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KeithSpeak- February 2024


February 2, 2024
I'm having chocolate donuts for breakfast. They are delicious and I suspect so very good for me because, well, they are so delicious. The opposite of this would be Brussels sprouts for breakfast, which are awful, devoid of chocolate and are green. Yet, if you listen to the nutritionists, it's Brussels sprouts this and Brussels sprouts that. I am so sick of this tom foolery! Has it ever occurred to anyone that nutritionists might be paid shills for the Brussels sprout industry? Well? I should write a letter.
February 3, 2024
I have a tiny hedge against phishing attempts. Both my grade school and high school no longer exist. The buildings have been torn down or repurposed and the names of those schools are long forgotten except as answers to security questions on the computers of former students. Which brings up a regular question: Aren't security questions kinda primitive as identifiers? Why is there no biometric identification for secure sites and such? Everybody has a webcam, everybody has a face, hello?
February 4, 2024
"Look, I may not be the smartest knife in the drawer, but...whatever." Benny Calhoun
"I have added this up multiple times and gotten a different answer every time. This calculator is possessed. I'm gonna go with the lowest number, see what happens." Benny Calhoun
"So Marsha threatened to leave me after I put something in the microwave and instead of 3 minutes did it for 3 hours and it blew up and she got hit with shrapnel and had to have 5 stitches in her face and now she says I made her ugly. Am I the asshole?" Benny Calhoun
"My boss at work told everyone I was incompetent and I was standing right there." Benny Calhoun
"I got fired. Marsha left me. The IRS is after me for my taxes, 'Benny,' they said, 'things don't add up,' they said." Benny Calhoun
"This morning, with all the empties, the garbage man told me I'm drinking too much and probably making bad decisions. The garbage man!" Benny Calhoun
"I need to blame someone." Benny Calhoun
"Somebody has to pay." Benny Calhoun
"Hey, did you know that you can just walk in and buy a gun on the spot?" Benny Calhoun
"My troubles will soon be over. Everyone will learn not to mess with-  Ack, does anyone know how to work this thing?" Benny Calhoun
February 5, 2024
Her computer was criminally slow. She had no anti-virus software. I downloaded a freeware program and ran the scan. 27 viruses were residing on her machine. It had eaten up almost all her RAM and placed so many demands on her CPU that the computer couldn't keep up. I asked why she had no anti-virus software and she said that computer viruses were just made up lies by the government to make us look bad. Jesus take the wheel.
February 6, 2024
The Sunday Morning Grift by Reverend Whomever
Listen up people, I'm telling you straight now. She was a farm girl, naive to the world. He was a hustler on the make. She thought he was a guiding light, but they ended up spinning their wheels on the road to depravity, never saw the other couple, also on a crash course to nowhere, and the 4 of them collided head on on a blind curve one night at the No Tell Motel, and in the morning, none of 'em ever saw the light of day again. It was tragic, but what in life isn't? Listen, can I be frank with you? We need money for a new plane. The other one is 3 years old now and well, that's pretty old for a luxury jet. Heck, you know how much champagne has been spilled on that carpet? I want something bigger and faster and of course, closer to God. Can you find it in your hearts to give us a ridiculous amount of money to buy that new Gulfstream? God'll like you so much if you do. Anyway, those two couples wickedly fornicated in that motel room and like I said, in the morning light Satan took them away. They're underground right now, toiling away for the Horned One. As an aside, I hear Satan's plane is nicer than ours. I'm sorry to even have to say that. People! we need a new one to outdo Satan! We can't let him win, can we?! I'm sending Madam Marie and her Virgin Angels down among you with that 55 gallon drum. Let's fill it up with We Hate Satan plane money! God'll like you so much if you do.
February 7, 2024
I'm an inveterate rewriter of my material. No matter how many times I reread something, I will always see something to change. But there comes that point when you must release the final draft to the editor, producer, director or publisher. They, of course, then have notes and "ideas" of how to "fix" it and I am left with the choice to either fight for what is already on the page or capitulate to their decrees. This usually depends on how much money I'm being paid for the project. They say time is money, well so are principles.
February 8, 2024
Overheard two men at the hockey rink.
-- Mark's boy Samuel is kind of a lightweight.
-- Which one is he?
-- Defence, number 62.
-- He's not very big, is he?
-- Compared to my Luke, he's a shrimp.
-- Which one's Luke?
-- The tall kid on the bench. He's up next shift. Number 14.
-- Ooh, he's a strapping lad, eh.
-- He's already 6'1, 190 pounds.
-- How old is he?
-- 14.
-- So he's gonna get even bigger.
-- Truthfully, he's not a very good skater but I've been teaching him hockey fighting down in the basement away from his mother and I think he could be an NHL enforcer. He likes the rough stuff.
-- Man, those guys are tough.
-- Luke will be too by the time I'm done with him.
-- Ooh - did you see that?!
-- What?
-- Luke just planted little Samuel into the boards.
-- That's my boy!
-- Sam hasn't gotten up.
-- Why's that little runt even playing hockey?
-- For fun?
February 9, 2024
It was a contest for the best original joke. They wanted something irrefutable. Something so true it's just funny. They wanted something that everybody would laugh at. There is no bigger joke than Trump. Will the loser finally win something?
February 10, 2024
Things to never do:
  • Be the halftime performer at the Superbowl.
  • Date Taylor Swift.
  • Tell Mike Tyson stuff he doesn't want to hear and then double down on it to make him really mad.
  • Watch Madonna try to keep relevant as she grows older and more desperate.
  • Embrace stupidity and victimhood in all its forms.
  • Praise Warren Buffett for hoarding money like some grandpa holding onto wartime coupons.
  • Watch another Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider or Chevy Chase movie ever again without punching myself in the head first.
  • Believe that Comments sections are populated by the best and brightest for the noblest of reasons.
  • Eat at Frankie's House of Shawarma, the Kingston Street store, the one that has accrued 312 health violations in the 13 years they have been there.
I'm sure there are like a million other things I should never do, but this is what I'll not be doing today.
February 11, 2024
Oh dear god, what have I done with my life? I'm old and lonely. This chair better not break. I accomplished nothing. 72 years of nothing. No husband, no kids, no life. Does this hat look stupid? Hey, are those little fishes nibbling at my toes? Ow! Those aren't fishes, they're crabs! Get away crabs! Funny, I got crabs once. Got 'em from that dirty sailor in Newport. Devil to get rid of those little buggers, but not the sailor. His ship left the next day but those damn crabs stayed forever. Is that a highlight of my life? Is that what it's come to? This water looks filthy. Maybe my feet shouldn't be in all this pollution. Ah, what does it matter. I'm gonna die soon. I've got nothing to live for. I'm old and lonely with a stupid hat and crab toes. Oh dear god, what have I done with my life?
February 12, 2024
So he said to me, How come you took down your Wikipedia page? I told him I never had one. He said that I did, he's read it, but now it's gone. I told him that I had no knowledge of a Wikipedia entry but if there was one, I'm pleased it's no more. He looked perplexed. Don't you want to be famous? No, I replied, I do not. Everybody wants to be famous, he assured me. Na-uh. So whomever put that page up, Shame on you. Whomever took it down, Good lad or ladess.
February 13, 2024
Overheard two women at a gathering of locals.
-- She's here.
-- What? Where?
-- Over by the coat rack.
-- How dare she show her face here.
-- Look at her. Flirting with everyone like nothing happened.
-- She gives women a bad name.
-- I still can't believe she did what she did.
-- No shame. The woman's a menace.
-- A psychopath.
-- Well she better not come over to me or I'll give her what for.
-- Oh, I think there's little chance of that.
-- What, me giving her heck or her coming over?
-- Her coming over. After what she did?
-- No way.
-- No way.  
-- Look at her.
-- She thinks she's the queen.
-- The queen of nothing.
-- You got that right.
-- Oh my god, she's coming over!
-- Act normal. Act normal.
February 15, 2024
As an aside, I'm not a fan of chaos theory. I'm sure it's perfectly valid for those who embrace entropy and disorder as the natural state of things, but I think chaos theory is a bit like lipstick on a pig; it's unnecessary, unseemly and gives out the wrong message. Shit's falling apart, who needs to notice the moment it started to do so? I would also like to add that if you are a big fan of chaos theory, then your life will be falling apart at some point, because that is the point of chaos theory, and when it does you will never be able to get it back to anything resembling what it was before that small thing became a big thing and the breakdown and disorder took over everything. Bosh. I don't ascribe to that. I see no reason why equilibrium can't be a steady state. Call me old fashioned.
February 16, 2024
Dear Keith,
When did we start naming generations? I don't like it one bit. I got a couple of Gen Z know it alls at home and they make me sick. Is it bad to say you hate your kids? I can't talk to my wife about the brats because she wants another baby. Gen Alpha now! Talk about a totally screwed generation. Gen Z will probably enslave them because Gen Z has no work ethic. My kids are lazy, useless and unmotivated. My dad woulda beat the living daylights out of me if I sat around on the couch or at the computer all day. But you can't do that anymore. What do you think?
Frustrated father
Dear FF,
What do I think about what? Your hating your kids? Your wife who wants another baby? Your desire to reimplement corporal punishment into your family dynamic? Dude, if you have unmotivated kids, perhaps you should, I dunno, motivate them. Doesn't that sound like something a father would do? Stop blaming the generation for your messed up children as if parenting has nothing to do with it. Capish?
February 17, 2024
Oh dear god, what have I done with my life? I'm young and alone. I have accomplished nothing. 28 years of nothing. No wife, no kids, no life. Do I look desperate out here by myself? Hey, look at those little fishes nibbling on my oar. Wait, those aren't fishes, they're sharks! Get away sharks! Funny, I got bit by a shark once. Or maybe I was just watching Jaws. I can't remember. Either way, is that a highlight of my life? Is that what it's come to? This water looks filthy. Maybe I shouldn't be in it. Ah, what does it matter. I'm gonna die eventually. I've got nothing to live for. I'm young and lonely with this stupid boat and my shark oars. Oh dear god, what have I done with my life?
February 18, 2024
Inheritances are not taxed in Canada. As far as your kids are concerned, maybe that's not a great reason to die but it sure is a great place to do it.
February 19, 2024
A buddy and his girlfriend had moved to a new apartment building. Unfortunately, his girlfriend was taken with their handsome neighbour and that led to an affair. But my buddy was self-employed and worked from home, making it difficult for her to get away to tryst. She roofied her boyfriend one evening so she could spend the night with the neighbour. It worked so well she began knocking him out 4 nights a week, and increasing that as time went on. My buddy told me he couldn't believe how much he was sleeping. Eventually, his girlfriend got pregnant by the neighbour and tried to pass it off as her boyfriend's. But they hadn't had sex in ages because he was in a deep sleep almost every night of the week, so the jig was up. Later, he confessed that all the extra sleep was really delicious and how he missed that more than his girlfriend. Silver linings?
February 20, 2024
A woman and her husband were arguing about her gambling on sports.
-- You gotta quit, Wilma. You're just throwing our money away.
-- You seen all them commercials, Harry? They run 'em on the TV day and night. Gamble here, no, gamble here. I was lured into it.
-- Well unlure yourself out.
-- No can do.
-- Why is that, Wilma?
-- I believe it's what Jesus would do.
-- Oh, Wilma... Why would Jesus need to bet on sports?
-- Even he would fall under the spell of all them commercials. They use movie stars in 'em, Harry.
-- Well we can't afford it no more.
-- Just you wait. I'm gonna hit the big one and then we can retire. I can feel it coming, Harry. Trust me.  
-- Jesus Wilma, that's what an addict would say.
-- I get a rush out of it, ok?
-- You don't even like sports!
-- It's the gambling, Harry. That's what's giving me orgasms.
-- What?! We don't got no more money to throw away, Wilma.
-- Trust me, I'll get it back and plenty more. Trust me, Harry.
 -- I love you, Wilma, but I don't trust you.
-- Well that's a fine thing to say.
-- Ain't it?
February 23, 2024
A writer I know had a successful movie and got nominated for several industry awards. He went to the first awards show but didn't win. He did, however, sit at the same table as a very famous actor turned producer who told him that he was looking for a project and did my friend have anything he might be interested in? The writer said he had something the actor was sure to love and he would be happy to swing by his hotel tomorrow and discuss it. The actor was delighted, they arranged a meeting, and then he went on to many after-parties while my friend, who had nothing, went back to his hotel room and wrote all night long.
In the morning, the writer knocked on the actor's suite at exactly 11:30 as agreed. The actor/producer answered the door still in his tuxedo from the night before. He was hung over, grumpy, not at all sure who the writer was and why he was there, and clearly in no mood to discuss work. Standing behind him was a half naked woman wearing parts of a cheerleader outfit and holding a medium sized bird.  
My friend was disappointed and left.
Fast forward a couple of months and he is again seated at the same table with the actor/producer at another awards show. Again he didn't win but the highlight of the night was when the famous person, who had no idea who he was or that they had ever met, started slagging off the writer's nominated movie as if he didn't know the man next to him was the screenwriter. This was...a mistake. The very famous actor/producer was sitting with his wife so my friend said to her, "Pardon me, but you're not the same half naked girl in the cheerleader outfit that was in his suite at the last awards show. No, she was younger. Are you another escort?" To say the actor's life was never the same after that was an understatement. My friend said that sometimes it's just nice to watch a bridge burn.
February 24, 2024
Accepted into a prestigious east coast college, he was ecstatic and couldn't wait to tell his parents.
His father asked how much this school costs a year.
His mother said it was too far away and she wanted him to go to a closer school.
His father asked where he was supposed to get that kind of money.
His mother repeated her assertion that the school was too far away.
His father said there was no way in hell they could ever afford it.
His mother started crying at the thought of him so distanced.
He wondered if college could explain how something so great for him could turn out to be so awful for everyone else.
February 25, 2024
I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in 3 decades and the first thing he said was, Christ, you look like shit. Man, you've aged badly. I returned the kindness by saying how he appeared to be rotting from the inside out and lordy, that smell! We both laughed, hugged and went to a pub to add even more insults to insults. Can you do this with anybody else but old friends?
February 26, 2024
His wife bought him a motorcycle for Christmas. It has been sitting out in the garage next to the family minivan for 3 months. He goes out there all the time. He sits on it, revs the motor to hear the roar and constantly looks out the window to see if Spring has arrived. He even bought a rear jack stand so he could raise the back tire and go through the gears, pretending he was racing at Laguna Seca or the Isle of Man TT. He couldn't stand it anymore and the first warm day he took it out. No license, no insurance, no helmet and no excuses when he got caught going 170km through a 60km construction zone, got arrested, got the bike impounded, and was tossed into lock up. When his wife came to bail him out, she said, Next Christmas it's socks and underwear, asshole.
February 27, 2024
Big windstorm yesterday. Upper half of a birch tree fell onto the roof of our shed. The broken pieces are so heavy I can't move them. I'm going to have to attach a come along and winch them off the roof. Then it's fingers crossed there is no shed damage. The funny thing is, this has happened before - same tree, same shed roof. Everyone asks why I just don't cut the birch tree down. I don't because it's a great haven for bees, woodpeckers and owls. Some people will understand that and some won't.
February 29, 2024
Roses are red
Violets are blue
It's an election year circus
So bring on the clowns

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