Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - January 2022

 

 
 
 
January 1, 2022
Talked to an unvaxxed American who said that he thought the pandemic was a hoax created by politicians and the rich for their own purposes. I asked him what those purposes might be and he said the elimination of the lower classes, the devoutly religious and the independent thinkers who don't want to be sacrificial sheep to the authorities. I said that over 800,000 Americans have died of his "hoax", care to explain that? He said they were "paid performers." Paid to die? "Now you get it," he declared. Except I didn't. Not for one second. Not for a single heartbeat. I did, however, marvel at the absolute garbage one can convince themselves is true.
 
January 2, 2022
His son got a football scholarship to a top tier NCAA school. Dad was besides himself and couldn't wait for his boy to turn pro. Mom, however, had other ideas and fears. She booked her son in for an MRI so that a baseline of his brain could be had before he starts getting hit hard, having concussions, brain trauma and potentially CTE. The MRI doctor said every college football player should have this done. The NCAA laughed. The college laughed. The insurance companies laughed. The athletes on scholarship laughed. The coaches and trainers laughed. The NFL laughed. Everybody laughed except mothers and doctors.
 
January 3, 2022
A snowshoe trail through our property. A proper winter walk.
 
January 4, 2022
LAND FACTS TO QUESTIONS ASKED
Yes, the above pic is our place.
It's 37.5 acres. 
Yes, we own it.
We have lived here for 34 years.
Our views are of the Shuswap Lake, Larch Hills, the Fly Hills, Mt. Bastion, Mt. Ida, Engineers Point and the Salmon Arm wharf.
We do not farm the land; it has been left in its natural state.
We have over 20 different fruit trees. Mostly apple, pear, cherry and both yellow and purple plums. We also have a handful of nut trees (walnuts and filberts).
The value of our property is in the love we have for it, the emotion it brings out in us and the joy we embody living here.
The monetary value? Well actually, that's irrelevant because it means nothing until you sell it and we will never sell it.
More? What we paid for it is a pittance of what it's now worth.
Still more? Our property was purchased in Canadian dollars, US dollars and Swiss francs.
Why? Because the owner lived in Switzerland.
Approximately 17 acres are fenced with page wire. 17.5 acres are completely open.
We have lots of wildlife living on and passing through the property.
What kind? Bears, deer, moose, ermines, rabbits, pheasants, quail, grouse, coyotes, foxes, eagles, ospreys, owls, hawks, ravens, crows and myriad songbirds.
Yes, we have a barn. It has 6 bays with a loft.
The best thing about being here? is being here. 
No more questions? All righty then.
 
January 5, 2022
If you're in a toxic relationship, take a look at all the excuses you've used to remain in it, and then ask yourself the real reason you've stuck around. Because only the real reason can help you determine whether you should stay or you should go.
 
January 7, 2022
I was in a hotel elevator with a hack celebrity. He's someone I have zero respect for. Anyway on the ride he keeps staring at me to where I finally ask him what's up. He says, "I know you. From the Internet." I nod, but it's very clear he expected me to reciprocate by saying that I too recognized him. But I didn't. I pretended I had no idea who he was. "Well you know what I do," I said, "so it's only fair that I ask what you do - no wait! Let me guess." I look him over like I'm appraising a steak at a butcher's shop and say, "Um, you're either an accountant or a car salesman. Wait...you sell cars, right?" He was so disappointed. The elevator doors opened and he exited without saying a word. He slowly skulked down the hallway as I delivered my parting shot, "Chevy's? Fords?" Now many will think it's unconscionable that I brought that insipid little twerp down with my behaviour, but that dude has been bringing me down every time I'm forced to see him in something. Quid pro quo, my friends, quid pro quo.
 
January 9, 2022
I saw a guy attempting to walk 6 dogs. What a schmozzle. The dogs ranged in size from small to large and the leash angles were so disparate that the leashes kept getting tangled and then one dog would get choked or stepped on and just sit down until the guy straightened it out, and 15 feet later it would happen again. Because of their sizes, none of the critters walked at the same pace so they kept trying to pass one another and circle around and entanglement would constantly ensue. He was tripped once and fell to the ground where the dogs thought he was playing and just mobbed him. But the funniest was when one dog peed on a telephone pole and every other dog all at once had to sniff and re-pee over the previous markings. That just meant the bigger dogs ended up peeing on the heads of the littler dogs. The entertainment value was aces, but heaven help that man if a dog or cat happens upon the unruly group, because control is not the word I would use for how he was handling the current situation, when basically nothing was happening except walking and peeing, and that was going miserably at best.
 
January 10, 2022
She met a handsome black stranger, left the bar and went back to his place. While they were having sex, his wife returned home, saw what was going on, grabbed a can of black spray paint, returned to the bedroom and sprayed the white girl's face before she knew what hit her. The husband says wearily, "Delia, not again." They then proceed to have a raging argument while the painted girl processes the fact that she's in blackface and will have to appear in public like this. Worst walk of shame ever?
 
January 11, 2022
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Daddy, what color are conservatives?
They're yellow, honey, through and through
 
January 12, 2022
I wrote an article for a motorcycle magazine and it was edited so badly that when they called again for another piece, I said sure, as long as the former editor doesn't have anything to do with it. They assured me he wouldn't. But they lied. He hacked it up again. Why, I never. See, this is why people lose trust and sometimes go directly to the source and eradicate the offending parties by any means necessary... Did I say that out loud?
 
January 13, 2022
Overheard a couple at the grocery.
-- Dee Dee, do we need to provide all the food or will the Henderson's bring anything?
-- Let's hope not.
-- What do you mean?
-- Lucille Henderson is the worst cook in the world.
-- Yeah, but the price of meat is out of sight and we could blow a lot of money on this shindig.
-- Did you just say shindig? Shindig?
-- Dee Dee, this could get expensive. Couldn't they at least bring a salad or bread or something?
-- I wouldn't touch any food that Lucille Henderson touched.
-- What if you were the last two people on Earth and your hands no longer worked and she had to cook all the food.
-- My hands no longer worked?
-- Would you eat it then?
-- So what, I feed myself with my toes? We're the last two people on Earth and you've made me a freak?! Is that what you think of me? Darryl?
-- The only food is Lucille's food.
-- All right. She'd still be making slop but if MY HANDS DIDN'T WORK, I guess I'd have to eat it.
-- That's all I'm saying.
-- What are you saying?
-- I don't know anymore, Dee Dee.
 
January 16, 2022
I get letters all the time asking how to become famous. Why would anybody want that? Fame is a bunch of strangers lying to you about how wonderful you are. Perhaps, if you have little self-respect, esteem or confidence, the false accolades of others might allay the feelings of emptiness, but it's spurious, insincere, what? You're okay with fake? Oh, never mind.
 
January 17, 2022
You wake up to the diffuse light. You yawn, stretch, sit up and look out your window to this. How perfect is your life.
You wake up to the diffuse light. You're lost. You've spent the night in the dark, scary forest. The light doesn't make it any better. How messed up is your life.
 
January 18, 2022
Our 1984 Toyota LandCruiser is sitting down in our barn. We are the original owners. Bought it new for $13,700. It has 324,000 miles on it. It was our only vehicle for 19 straight years. Next to it down in the barn is our 2003 Toyota Sequoia, our daily driver. We also bought it new 18 years ago. That means in 37 years, we have had only 2 vehicles. Both are spectacular souls in metal. There is no other way to say it.
 
January 19, 2022
His beard was 16.2 inches long. He knows because he measures it daily. He's a scientist and he's growing his beard for science. His wife says he looks like a serial killer from the 1800s and refuses to either kiss him or touch the hairy mass because it disgusts her so. You don't grow 16 inches of facial hair overnight, so of course, their marriage is on the rocks.
-- When does it stop, Barry?! How long is it going to get?
-- When I have all the numbers and calculations and I'm sure they're correct then-
-- When, Barry!
-- To honour my hypothesis...it has to be a minimum of 26 inches.
-- WHAT! 10 more inches?! That will take years!
-- I'm afraid so, but science is an exacting-
-- I will be leaving you long before that, Barry. At some point, there will be an ultimatum: the beard or me. If you should choose the beard, I want you to know that I will cut it off when you are asleep and then I will leave you. I want you to know that you will lose both the beard and your wife. I want you to know this, Barry, now, before it gets an inch longer.
-- Alicia, I'm a scientist! What do you want me to do?!
-- Shave.   
 
 

 

Keith Ryan Publishing

 

Privacy policy

Copyright © 2022 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.