Header Graphic
KeithSpeak- February 2022

 

 
 
 
February 2, 2022
I popped into a dollar store and was greeted by a woman in a giant rabbit suit. I thought she worked there so we engaged in a bit of small talk,  but it turns out she's just a plushie. Says she wears her rabbit outfit to protect her from COVID and to find sexual partners. I didn't quite understand the connection but thought that was a fine use for such a warm and fuzzy disguise. Then the manager threw her out of the store yelling, "No furries allowed!" She protested that she was a plushie, a plushophile, and not some freaky furrie, but it fell on deaf dollar store managerial ears. It was so out there, I even forgot why I came in the place.
 
February 3, 2022
Got a buddy who got a job as a security guard checking for masks at a large grocery store. In the first 6 days of the job, he has gotten into 8 fights with anti-maskers. He is 6'4", 262 pounds and used to be a professional bouncer.
Obvious death wishes:
1.) Don't get the life saving vaccine during a global pandemic.
2.) Be willing to take on a professional bouncer at a frickin' grocery store because you won't wear a mask because some idiots on Facebook told you lies you believe.
3.) Spit on said bouncer.
 
February 4, 2022
Met someone I didn't much care for. He was a real gnome-like troll. He had an attitude that was aloof and a belligerent demeanor. He was dour, condescending and dismissive. His wife, however, was spectacular. What is she doing with him? But then she opened her mouth and any illusion of beauty was shattered by her racist opinions, blatant effronteries and rabid beliefs in boldface lies. Other people's lives...
 
February 6, 2022
A part of my recent interview with Favorite Things website.
 
Name three of your favorite things.
My wife, our life, where we live.
 
What is your favorite time of the day?
It could be any given moment within 24 hours of any day. How's that for vague?
 
What is your favorite sandwich?
Oh, a nice cheese sandwich is always appreciated.
 
Who is your wife's favorite baseball player?
Jose Bautista.
 
We tried to trick you with that one.
I saw that.
 
What is your favorite book?
Again, another hedge. Can't pick just one, but I will tell you all the books I keep closest to me:
On The Road Jack Kerouac
Selected Poems 1966-1987 Seamus Heaney
Beautiful Losers Leonard Cohen
Animal Farm George Orwell
Pale Fire  Vladimir Nabokov
The Charterhouse Of Parma  Stendhal
Advertisements For Myself Norman Mailer
Chimera John Barth
The Nature Of Personal Reality Jane Roberts
Angle Of Repose  Wallace Stegner
The Portable Bernard Shaw  George Bernard Shaw
Golf In The Kingdom Michael Murphy
One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich Alexander Solzhenitsyn
The Armies Of The Night Norman Mailer
Mr. And Mrs. Baby And Other Stories Mark Strand
The Snow Leopard Peter Matthiessen
Speak, Memory  Vladimir Nabokov
The Journey Of Ibn Fattouma Naguib Mahfouz
Tristram Shandy  Laurence Sterne
A Separate Reality Carlos Castaneda
Nathan Coulter  Wendell Berry
Going After Cacciato Tim O'Brien
A Room Of One's Own Virginia Woolf
Leaves Of Grass  Walt Whitman
Ninety-Two In The Shade  Thomas McGuane
Swann's Way  Marcel Proust
Don Quixote  Miguel Cervantes
The Spectator Bird Wallace Stegner
Gravity's Rainbow Thomas Pynchon
Immortality Milan Kundera
Walden Henry David Thoreau
Nausea  Jean-Paul Sartre
Independent People  Halldor Laxness
The Cinnamon Peeler Michael Ondaatje
A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man James Joyce
Lolita Vladimir Nabokov
A Confederacy Of Dunces John Kennedy Toole
What Is Art?  Leo Tolstoy
A Place On Earth Wendell Berry
The Stranger Albert Camus
The Bone People  Keri Hulme
100 Love Sonnets  Pablo Neruda
The Teachings Of Don Juan  Carlos Castaneda
Crossing To Safety Wallace Stegner
The Divine Comedy Dante Alighieri
 
Whew, that's quite a list.
Ain't it though.
 
Favorite motorcycle?
Exile's Bulldozer.
 
Dog?
Alaskan malamute.
 
Author?
Vladimir Nabokov.
 
Poet?
Walt Whitman.
Ogden Nash.
Shel Silverstein.
 
Of these great albums that came out in 1968  -
Beggars Banquet
The White Album
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Music From Big Pink
- which is your favorite?
None of them. It's Astral Weeks by Van Morrison. It also happens to be my favorite album of all time. And it too came out in 1968.
 
Ok then, name a song that may not be your absolute favorite but when it comes on the radio you're glad to hear it.
Wondering Where The Lions Are by Bruce Cockburn.
 
Name your favorite thing about The Spice Girls.
Seriously?
 
What is your favorite snack for watching a sporting event?
Feasting on revenge when a team I hate loses.
 
Favorite website?
Why, Favorite Things, of course.
 
Awwwww. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?
A big ol' shot of Elysium inducing heroin or morphine or some other sweet dangerous drug besides the one that they're going to use to kill me. Food at that point is irrelevant.
 
Of all the cars you've owned, what is your favorite and why?
Our beloved Toyota LandCruiser. Why? Because it's a freakin' LandCruiser.
 
Who is or was your favorite football player?
The Minister of Defense, Reggie White.
Barry Sanders.
 
Favorite weapon?
My brain.
 
Do you prefer blonds, brunettes or redheads?
My favorite color is gray. Given enough time, all three of them will be in my wheelhouse. 
 
Do you have a favorite joke?
Trump.
He's also my favorite loser and incoherent lying gasbag.
 
You're at a restaurant and there are only two things on the menu, fish or fowl, which would you choose?
Most likely, another restaurant. 
 
We've conferred here and we think that gray is the most drab color there is and can't believe you picked that as your favorite.
Great non question.
 
What is your favorite kind of flooring?
I don't mind a carpet.
 
What is an old favorite game that you just don't play anymore?
Jotto.
Euchre.
 
And finally, if your name wasn't Keith, what would it be?
George Clooney? Idris Elba? You choose.
 
Okaaaaay, a different last question. What is your most favorite thing ever?
A dog named Yankee.
 
February 7, 2022
Isn't Barbie incredible! She's like 102 and hasn't aged a day! That combo of those orange jumpsuits with all that gorgeous hair - stunning! Now Barbie has taken on many jobs over the years, from driving her pink Corvette to building her Dreamhouse. But that was child's play! Now Barbie's getting serious! Here she is with her best gal pal, Jamaican Terry, loading up a reactor with a tube of plutonium. That's right, Barbie has become a nuclear expert and has promised to get both Chernobyl and Fukushima up and running "so that all the people can forget about those silly meltdowns." No one else is doing that! Isn't she incredible!
 
February 8, 2022
The movie was terrible and the audience was getting cranky. She was eating out of a tube of Pringles she brought to the theater when the man sitting next to her said that they don't sell Pringles at the movies precisely because eating them is too loud. She ignored him. And in addition, he continued, bringing in your own food is highly illegal and could get the snacks confiscated and you thrown out. She continued to eat the chips. He protested that she was crunching way too loudly and demanded that she put the chips away. She told him he wasn't the food police and to bugger off. He grabbed the Pringles can and shook the contents all over the floor. She punched him in the nose and then stepped all over the potato chips making them crunch and crunch and crunch. He kicked her foot away and pulled her hair. She jumped on top of him and rained down fists of fury. The entire theater was now watching their fight instead of the lousy movie. This way, at least everybody got their money's worth.
 
February 9, 2022
In college, I had just started dating a girl from New Jersey whose family was in the mafia. She was frank about their exploits and she probably shouldn't have been telling me all the stuff she did, but it wasn't really real until I met her father. He came to visit one weekend. He was charming on the outside and cold blooded inside. I know this because at one point he pulled me aside and let it be known that if I ever did anything to make his daughter unhappy, well...
When a career criminal lays things out in black and white, well...
Needless to say, it was over before it began.
 
February 11, 2022
Overheard two bros at the pub.
-- I thought you were anti-vax?
-- I am.
-- Well how did you get in the pub? You have to show your vaccine card.
-- I got a fake one online.
-- Really? Let me see it.
-- It's pretty official looking. Worked like a charm to get me in here.
-- Oh bro, you are so gonna get caught.
-- What are you talking about?
-- You got this out of the States, didn't you?
-- How'd you know?
-- Misspellings, man. Look at this. We spell honour with a "u", they don't. We spell centre with an "re" on the end, they use "er". What else. Aw, jeez, we sure as hell don't spell British Columbia "Colombia" like the country, but your card does.
-- No big deal. If I get caught they just don't let me in the door.
-- Dude, there are big fines for fake cards.
-- What are you talking about?
-- One couple that got caught with fake vaccine cards were fined $19,000 a piece. Another couple got fined $16,000 each.
-- Yeah, but come on bro, I just can't not be going to bars.
-- Get vaxxed, man. It ceases to be an issue.
-- I'd rather pay the fine.
-- Right, like you got 19,000 bucks. Big talk, bro.
-- You're more worried about it than I am.
-- You could be giving everybody in this bar COVID.
-- Too late now. You get the next round?
-- Sure.
 
February 12, 2022
She hated her kids. They were bullies and brats, insolent, combative, duplicitous, nefarious. She just knew they were headed for lives of crime. Her husband had seen the writing on the wall and fled long ago. She took a second job to avoid even more time at home with them. But eventually it was all too much. She dealt with it as long as she could and when she could no longer, she abandoned them. She literally just drove away. There are over 7 billion people on this planet. All kinds of shit is going down all the time all over the globe. Don't act so surprised.
 
February 14, 2022
They say a pro can rip off a catalytic converter in 60 seconds. Dumb and dumber had been at it for over 9 minutes trying to cut off a catalytic converter in broad daylight at a shopping mall. Nowadays, anybody under a car with a reciprocating saw is more than suspect. So a crowd gathered. The guy under the car was having trouble and called to his buddy to get a new saw blade from their truck. Mall security had noticed the crowd, surmised what was going on and had called the RCMP. A cop dragged dumb out from under the car and he and dumber were arrested. But the sparks really started to fly when the car's owner showed up and saw the hack job done to his vehicle. He freaked out and spit on dumber. The police then promptly arrested him for violating pandemic health laws or something and all 3 of them went downtown in the same cruiser. The crowd dispersed. Mall security went back to looking for shoplifters. The world continued to turn.
 
February 15, 2022
You can do whatever you want in life. Just don't think that you have no say in the matter. You actually have all the say you could ever want. Do too.
 
February 16, 2022
Brad and Melinda took in a feral cat that had been living under their porch. It took them 4 months to earn the cat's trust. But it ended up for naught after they named him Mr. Mushypants. The feline felt the name was a bridge too far and left. Of course, because cats can't talk, Brad and Melinda wonder what they did wrong.
 
February 17, 2022
I got a solicitation from a well known publisher. It was more or less a contract offer for material I had already written. Perusing the legalese, all looked great until I read that this is also a transfer of copyright from me to them. Aw, why'd they have to go and say that? In the end my copyrights may amount to a hill of beans, but they're my hill of beans. Damn. (I had already planned on the jet ski and motorcycle I was going to buy with the cash.) Damn.
 
February 18, 2022
There's a knock on the door. Standing there is a real estate agent who hands me her card and tells me she has a buyer interested in our property. I tell her it's not for sale. She says wait until you hear how much they're willing to pay. I repeat that it's not for sale and close the front door.
 
The next day there is a knock on the door. Standing there is a couple who tell me they are the ones interested in our property. I repeat that it's not for sale. As they begin to say, We are prepared to offer you-, I close the front door on them. Everybody thinks everything revolves around money. Fools.
 
Jesus. Later that day I get an e-mail from the real estate agent. How did she get my e-mail address? She repeats that she has a bona fide, most incredible offer for our place and we owe it to ourselves to explore the possibility of selling because the offer is so exciting. I don't reply and put her on my spam list.
 
That night, our phone rings. Guess who. The agent pleads her case mentioning the very hot real estate market right now and the deep pockets of the buyer but before she can say another word, I hang up on her and put her number in the blocked number list.
 
The following morning I call her real estate office and ask to speak to the owner or manager. I tell him of the insistent pressure to sell a property we have no intention of selling and even if we were, his company would now be the last place we'd have represent us because of the realtor's aggressive harassment. He told me he would take care of it. And he did because I never heard from them again.
 
February 20, 2022
It's true, I like to say "no". I find it much more gratifying than saying "yes". "Yes" leads to collaboration, extra work, trouble and doom. Whereas a firm "no" chops those legs out from under the usurper that has the gall to ask you to do something for them. It's best for all parties concerned that I don't get involved. Well, at least it is for me. One can say "no" gracefully, whereas a sloppily agreed to "yes" just makes you look desperate, weak willed and helpful. So classic.
 
February 21, 2022
In what kind of light do you hold yourself? If you were a stranger meeting you for the first time, what would you think of you? If you see nothing but flaws and bad juju, that's how others also see you. If, on the other hand, you are meeting a warm, likable person, then that too says a great deal about you. See, how you view yourself will determine how others see you. So go meet yourself. Who do you find there?
 
February 22, 2022
Overheard a clerk and a woman in a gift shop.
-- How much is this?
-- Oh, that one's adorable. Your niece will love it!
-- How much is it?
-- It's quite reasonable really. Shall I ring it up or do you want to continue shopping?
-- God damnit, how much does this cost?!
-- There is no need to swear. This comes in other colours. Would you like to see them?
-- Are you daft? Nothing in this store has a price tag on it. When I ask you how much it is you give me the runaround. What is going on here?
-- I'm just trying to be helpful. I told you about the other colours but then you lost your temper before I could-
-- For the last time, how much does this cost?!
-- $65.95
-- For this?! No wonder you didn't want to tell me the price. What a ripoff!
-- Would you like me to ring it up?
-- What? What is wrong with you? I mean, seriously.
 
February 24, 2022
I'm on the 4th floor of an office building when an alarm goes off. I have no idea what it's for. Should I find an exit? Continue on to my meeting? Better safe than sorry so I leave the building. But no one else comes out. Huh? Where is everybody? The alarm is still blaring. I'm on the sidewalk out front by myself. Huh?
 
February 26, 2022
We have our sketch artist here. Can you describe the man?
Well, he wore a crown and had little beady eyes.
Is this the man?
Yes! That's him!
 
February 28, 2022
He was a sentimental fool. She was a hard core pragmatist. They fought constantly. They shouldn't have been together but they were. When the end came, he sincerely wished her the very best. She told him to drop dead. It was a fitting summation of their differences and causal reasoning as to why they didn't last.
 

 
Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                           March 2022
 
 
 

 

Keith Ryan Publishing

 

Privacy policy

Copyright © 2022 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.