Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - March 2022

 

 
 
 
March 2, 2022
Overheard a couple at the doctor's office.
-- I'm so worried, Darryl. This better not prevent me from having kids.
-- Let's not jump to conclusions, Martha. The doctor didn't say anything about not having kids.
-- Still, if this causes complications-
-- Will you stop worrying?
-- I just get the feeling something is terribly wrong.
-- No one has said anything yet.
-- He's going to say I can't have children. I just know it.
-- Oh, Martha.
-- You'd love that, wouldn't you.
-- What?
-- You've always hated children.
-- Other people's children, yes. But I will love ours, Martha. How could I not?
20 minutes later the couple exits the doctor's office. She is crying uncontrollably and he looks relieved.
 
March 3, 2022
Here is a rare picture of a Canadian lumbercat, out of the forest and in town, probably to get supplies.
You don't often see them, but they're immediately recognizable in their traditional red and black plaid flannel.
Canada is the only country in the world that relies on lumbercats for logging. Do too.
 
March 4, 2022
Today is just one of those days. Maybe tomorrow.
 
March 5, 2022
So much stuff going on. Gonna need some time to figure it all out. 
 
March 6, 2022
Not yet. Still working on it. Sigh.
 
March 7, 2022
I got called to do a television pilot and bible. It seems a major actor wants a vehicle for himself that he can sell to network TV or a streaming service. This is backwards from how it usually works. Usually, the media broadcaster will issue a contract for the pilot, and later the bible if they pick up the series. But in this case, the actor's production company will pay for the project up front in the hope that they can sell it after it's completed. The premise is interesting, the actor is famous, what could go wrong?
 
March 8, 2022
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
What makes you such an expert about your life?
Signed,
Floundering Frank
 
Dear Frank,
Individually, we are each the experts in our own life. Who else is going to tell you what you desire, what would bring you joy, what you like, what you don't like, where you're going and where you've been? Who else is going to quantify your experiences, discover your talents and strike out on paths that interest you - if not you? Stop giving away your personal power to someone or something just because you have refused to accept full responsibility for all your do and all you desire. Wake up, it's all about you and has been from the moment you drew breath on this mortal coil.
 
March 9, 2022
POEM 119 - My Deadline
The sun streams in my window.
It illuminates all the schmutz on my black keyboard.
The lint is distracting. Can I work this way?
Do I clean it? Can I afford the avoidance behaviour?
I stare down at the many keyed black beast.
Is entropy to blame?
Did they build this wrong?
I'm met with impassive silence from the offending machine.
I look so long I could have cleaned it twice by now.
But hark! The sun has moved on and is no longer lighting up my keyboard filth!
Joy, pure joy, but
Will I relive this day after day?
Unbounded redux?
I call on a higher power.
I pray for rain or cloudy weather tomorrow and every day thereafter.
If that fails I don't know what I shall do.
One can only take so much distraction.
I suppose I could look into a white keyboard.
Yes, let me think about that some.
 
March 10, 2022
7 different ways to react to the same statement.
1.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. How dare they!
2.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. Look, sure, an occasional indulgence, perhaps a passing fancy, but an acquired taste? How dare they!
3.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. I suppose I am, but isn't any artist? Nobody likes everybody. You like who you like, you hate who you hate.
4.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. So you're either for me or agin me. That's fair.
5.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. No best sellers for you!
6.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. (You don't respond. You don't say anything. You just wait for them to add to it, elaborate on it, take it back, get nervous or die of embarrassment.)
7.) Someone said I was an acquired taste. Thank them for whatever it is they're trying to accomplish by telling you that. Job done.
 
March 12, 2022
My neighbour picked up a new car he had been waiting 4 months to receive. It cost 6 figures, had an Italian nameplate, a big motor, a lot of carbon fiber and he wrapped it around a telephone pole 8 miles from the dealership. He suffered multiple broken bones and a bruised ego. The bones will heal, of course, but the ego...
 
March 13, 2022
Let's play a game. Let's pretend that you have decided to enrich your life and add to your development by trying something new. It could be anything from skydiving to learning a foreign language, teaching yourself guitar to memorizing the world capitals. If you treat the new endeavour like a game, it won't matter that the game never ends, because you have become more than you were before you did it. Personal development, see, that's where it's at. Is too.
 
March 14, 2022
I went to open our driveway gate and in the mailbox was a lovely note from a new neighbour I haven't met yet. Now, every time I'm up on the road and see someone I don't know, I wonder, Is that her?
 
March 15, 2022
This is the dog door to our porch. It will fit a 150 pound malamute or a 500 pound bear. The latter is why we have a metal gate across the dog door to our porch.
 
March 16, 2022
Overheard two teens at a bus stop.
-- My Mom thinks I'm playing video games when I'm watching porn.
-- My Mom thinks I'm watching porn when I'm playing video games.
-- They don't have a clue.
-- They don't.
-- I can't imagine being old.
-- Me neither.
-- By the time I'm old, video games will be 4-D, totally immersive. You'll be in the game.
-- By the time I'm old, you won't need to watch porn because we'll all have sex dolls and be doing it for real.
-- I can't imagine being old.
-- Me neither.
 
March 18, 2022
Those who live their lives without the company of pets don't know what they're missing. Those who do know the true value and joy of a pet is their undying love, emotional support and dedicated companionship. One deprives you of a phenomenal life experience and the other rewards you endlessly for doing so.
 
March 19, 2022
Most site archives aren't worth reading. They're dated, old news, been there done that. But not here. You can click on any KeithSpeak from the last 22 years and it will be as fresh as something written today (and just as relevant). Ooh, I see that look on your face - incredulity, bit of doubt, haughtiness? Nooooo. Humour me. Go on, try a random KeithSpeak. I'll wait here.
See!
 
March 20, 2022
It's mid March and I just took down some of our outside Christmas decorations. It's what I won in the compromise. My wife got to keep the lights up and on all year long. I suppose this could be construed as either some kind of March madness or merely evidence of a successful marriage.
 
March 21, 2022
Overheard two women at the dog park.
-- Look at her just clinging to you. Why don't you put her down and let her run around?
-- My Millie is afraid of the bigger dogs. That's why she stays close to me.
-- Hoo boy, that's the opposite of my Rufus, that's him there, the orange mix, he'd live at this dog park if he could.
-- He is energetic.
-- Ain't he?
-- Takes all kinds, I guess.
-- Don't it? Hey you think Millie would want to meet Rufus? Maybe he could break her out of her shell?
-- Heavens no! Look at him running around. Millie would be terrified of a boisterous dog like that.  
-- How come you even come here if Millie don't run around the park with the other dogs?
-- Well I-
-- Rufus, quit humping that dog! Look at that boy!
-- He sure is energetic.
-- Ok, I gotta go rescue that poor thing before Rufus fathers any more babies.
-- How come we aren't embarrassed watching two dogs do it but imagine if those were two humans.
-- What?
-- My Millie will never know the joy of sex. Watching your Rufus is the closest she'll ever get.
-- That's sad. Rufus! Get off her - NOW!
 
March 22, 2022
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith
I have been coming here forever and am always amused by what you have to say. I told my new boyfriend about your site and suggested he check it out. Well it turns out he hates you. And he has forbidden me to read you anymore. Should I obey my boyfriend?
Signed,
I'm torn
 
Dear Torn,
It's just a website, it doesn't really matter. More importantly, what's this obey shit? If you learned anything about yourself by coming here, then apply some of it now, and do what you want to do. That's all you ever have to do. Yes, it's that simple.
 
March 23, 2022
I was in a big box store and saw a woman put down her cell phone to examine a product. Then she walked away without picking it up. I tapped her on the shoulder to tell her she left her phone behind but she recoiled like I was molesting her. Ooh, a fine how do you do. Your phone, I said, you left it over there, pointing. Her eyes narrowed as she assessed if this was some sort of trick. I had to applaud her over cautiousness because let's face it, it's a strange world out there, but by then I'd had enough, my duty done, another hero born, up up and away! She didn't say thanks and I didn't say you're welcome.
 
March 24, 2022
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nobody looks at a half glass of water and says it's half full. Everyone says it's half empty.
Do too.
 
March 25, 2022
Don and Marla were broke. Evicted from their apartment, they were desperate and living in their minivan. Don wondered if he could actually kill somebody before saying to Marla, "I could enlist in the army. You would get a steady amount of money each month." Marla recoiled. "What, and be by myself the whole time? No way. I could just as easily hit the streets and prostitute myself." Don recoiled. "Would you really do that, Marla?" "Would you really join the army, Don?"
 
March 26, 2022
For 36 years he had worked in a factory that made garden gnomes. He never thought much about it until the day he did. When he realized that his entire life had been devoted to making a useless trinket, he wept. His contribution to society has been garden gnomes. Is that not enough to make a grown man cry?
 
March 27, 2022
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
The aliens landed and put their foot down. Enough is enough, they said. And everything on Earth changed after that.
 
March 28, 2022
If aliens landed in our field and knocked on our door, first contact might go something like this:
-- Take us to your leader.
-- There is no one leader, just a bunch of political hacks, ego driven psychopaths and right wing dotards. You don't want to talk to any of those duplicitous bastards.
-- Well then take us to the smartest person on Earth.
-- Well, I certainly couldn't tell you who that is now that Albert Einstein is no longer with us. You guys heard of a little something called General Theory of Relativity?
-- Theory! (the aliens break out laughing) Ok, funny boy, what about you? Why don't you fill us in on what's what.
-- Sure. Ok, first off, don't fall for carob, it's shite. Only go for the good chocolate. Also, don't go anywhere near Boston, they're all assholes. You can swim in almost any public pool but the more kids there, the more pee in the water. Just sos you're aware. There's more stuff but that ought to get you going.
-- Much obliged.
-- By the way, you guys aren't radioactive, are you?
--
-- Seriously?!
-- Hey, you have any of the good chocolate?
-- I'll tell you what. I'll trade you a Snickers for a ride in your spaceship.
-- Does that include medical experimentation once onboard?
-- What? No!
-- We can feel you are having second thoughts.
-- Well, duh.
-- You can trust us.
-- Spoken like a true alien.
-- Is this how you thought first contact would go?
-- Yup, exactly like this.
 
March 29, 2022
As a favour, I went over to do some troubleshooting on the computer of the nephew of a friend.  In search of the problem, I came across his porn stash with tons of pics of the same woman. Ho hum. I finally find what the computer issue is and begin to rectify it. At one point, his mother pops her head in the room and asks if I want anything. As soon as I turn and look at her, I make the connection. Ew. His mother is the star of his porn hoard. Ew. I left him a tutorial showing him how to encrypt files.
 
March 31, 2022
In a marriage, it's the little things that can make it or break it.
They were getting ready for bed and she tried to avoid it as long as she could until she couldn't stand it any longer and blurted out, "I hate the way you brush your teeth!" He stopped what he was doing. She told him he held the brush all wrong and that his toothpaste stunk of antiseptic, but what was worse, and something that drove her up the wall was the damned lip smacking sound he made while brushing. He tried to laugh it off but she kept imitating the sound until he snapped and stabbed her with his Oral B.
In a marriage, it's the little things that can make it or break it.
 

 
Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                             April 2022
 

 

Keith Ryan Publishing

 

Privacy policy

Copyright © 2022 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.