KeithSpeak - January 2020

 

 
 
 
January 2, 2020
I was at a New Year's Day party when the bombshell wife of an acquaintance sidled up to me and began talking dirty. She whispered her graphic intentions and explicit New Year's desires. Her husband, across the room, seemed to be aware of what she was doing as he raised his glass to me and smiled while she talked a literal blue streak in my ear. She finished with, "Well?" Well indeed.
 
January 3, 2020
Is there anything better than a mother's reassurance?
-- Uh, Mom, could you come in here please.
-- What is it, Julia.
-- Mom, am I floating above my bed?
-- Yes, you are.
-- Is that normal?
-- What's normal these days, Julia?
-- Do you float above your bed?
-- Sometimes.
-- Does Daddy float?
-- No, beer belly, too big.
-- It's actually kind of comfortable.
-- Well sure, you're sleeping on air.
-- Ok, well thanks, Mom. I just wanted to make sure this was ok.
-- All right, honey, good night.
 
January 5, 2020
You're on your deathbed. The end is near. Are you in reverie as you think back on your life and run through your memories or are you filled with fear and dread of the upcoming unknown? Because each of those reactions is tantamount to how you lived your life. The good news is you don't have to be near death to accept that you either live in fear or in joy. 'Cause, you know, there's time to change, if need be. Capish?
 
January 6, 2020
A producer wanted to make a horror movie and asked if I had any cringe worthy scenarios to exploit.
Hmm...
You're a quiet, smart, open minded man. You take a DNA test and find out you're related to gasbag Trump. Horrifying, no?
You also find out you're only 90% human and the other 10% is alien Trump.
And that 10% is the root of all evil and stupidity.
Would it not be incumbent upon you to eliminate it?
You do and basically save the world.
The producer smiled and said, You've captured the zeitgeist.
Obviously, my work is done here.
 
January 8, 2020
An overused movie premise is one based on a standard trope - If someone gave you a million dollars to do something (illegal, sexual, criminal, etc.), would you do it? But it's always money that motivates. What if other things were offered? What if you were offered raised consciousness, the date of your death, the name and location of your soul mate on Earth, or given the straight answer to every question you've ever asked (Who am I; Where am I going; What happens when I die, etc.)? Would you do it? As a movie goer, that twist offers tons of interesting possibilities. As a screenwriter, it's a way more creative idea. However, as a studio executive who can only relate to money it's abominable that one would even think of tinkering with such a tried and true trope that's made them so much money in the past and will do so again in the future. And that is why you see the same plots over and over and over again.
 
January 9, 2020
It's my friend's birthday today. I offered to take him to Paris to live it up. Sly me, he thinks I'm talking about France, but I was actually thinking of Paris, Arkansas, population 3500. I figured it would be tons more affordable and way kitschier than the real Paris. Will my buddy be disappointed when he finds out we're going to Arkansas for his birthday? Of course! But that's what friends are for!
 
January 10, 2020
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Reality TV is killing my husband! Darnell is a camera operator and got hired on one of the Housewives of ____ series. So all day he follows around these diva bimbos and films their fake dramas and listens to all their rants and lies about their inane, useless lives and I think it's making him brain dead.  Honestly, we used to play Scrabble but he can't come up with anything bigger than a 3 letter word now. We need the money so quitting isn't really an option. But these stupid women are killing my Darnell!
Signed,
Frustrated in ____
 
Dear Frustrated,
He has to move to a new show. Because the one he's on will never be anything but what it already is. Housewives ain't changing, is Darnell?
 
January 12, 2020
So much snow! Feet's and feet's of it. Even our beloved tractor is down in the barn breathing heavy. In the last 5 days I've had to go out in the middle of a raging snowstorm 3 times just to interim plow the driveway because if I waited until it stopped, all 5 feet of snow later, it would take me days to clear. And where do you put this outrageous accumulation? Our driveway is 2 football fields long with four major plow out areas around the house, the office, the barn and the top of the driveway. This is not to mention the hand shovelling of the office walks, the house walks and porch, the bird feeder areas and around back at the hot tub. Then there's- What's that? Complaining? Nah-uh, I love this shit! It's winter in Canada, OF COURSE this is what it's like. But you know, when the squalls pass and the snow is cleared, inside there is a raging fire, the smell of fresh baked bread, alcohol, weed and playoff football and if you look out the windows, a hushed landscape just crackling with honest to god beauty. Complaints? Don't be silly.
 
January 15, 2020
Well America, your Goober-in-Charge has once again proven himself to be the malfeasant chump we all see right through. A wittle baby with a dirty, lying mouth, the stupidest ideas based on imaginary twaddle, non-stop gushing of ignorant bluster with absolutely nothing to back it up; in other words, a completely useless, lying twerp way in over his head, a flaming schmuck without a concern for anybody but his bloated self, an unfit creepy old man; in other words, a real piece of shit.
 
January 16, 2020
I just learned that a guy I went to high school with turned out to be an assassin, or the euphemism the army prefers, a sniper. This dude intentionally murdered people his bosses didn't like. I can see why he was recruited to be a cold blooded killer. He was small, wiry, got bullied in high school and told tales of torturing small animals. He just retired. The army calls him a hero. The compatriots of the people he murdered call him a terrorist. Fine line, eh.
 
January 19, 2020
-- Look at that!
-- What?
-- Do you see it?
-- What are you talking about, Henry?
-- Look! Over there. See where I'm pointing?
-- All I can see is the back of your head. You know, I think these sunglasses are too dark for a day like today.
-- Damn it, Marge, LOOK!
-- There's no need to get huffy, Henry. Just because you see something doesn't mean that I see the same thing.
-- What are you talking about?
-- Seeing and looking are two different things.
-- God damnit, Marge!
 
January 21, 2020
The impeachment is on and look, Moscow Mitch is on his crinkled, hoary knees in front of his owner, Trump. Well, when you bow down to a piece of shit, that makes you lower than a piece of shit. So Moscow Mitchy is just the stain left by the excrement that is Trump. Nice legacy, turtle boy.
 
January 23, 2020
Every day of your life you think for yourself. Why let the opinion of others derail you? Be confident in your thoughts and actions and others will see that and respect you for it. Will too.
 
 

 

 

 

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