Overheard an incompatible couple on a first date at a restaurant.
-- Oh Alfredo, you're so clever! They ought to name a dish after you!
-- They have, Marsha.
-- What?! Already? I just mentioned it!
-- No, Marsha, it's a well known Italian dish called-
-- Why, you're not Italian!
-- No, but the dish-
-- Are you trying to pass yourself off as Italian? That's called cultural expropriation, Alfred. Something of which I do not approve. Remember, you're just plain ol' Alfred from- where did you say you're from?
-- Yeah, Alfred from Hamilton. That's funny! You're so funny.
-- Not that funny. And my name is Alfredo, and the dish of which I speak is Fettu-
-- This is some first date! All kinds of funny wackadoodle stuff happening, Al.
-- Not really, Marsha.
-- Ooh, so formal. (she mimics him) Not really , Marsha. Ha ha, you're a riot. I'm so hungry. Let's see what they got, hmm, oh my god! There's a Fettuccini Alfredo! Just like you!
-- That's what I've been trying to tell you.
-- You're so silly!
-- No, I'm not. Not at all.
-- Yes you are, Allen from Hamilton. Well I'm not going to have that because it's just a bunch of noodles. Stupid. I could have noodles at home. Ooh, a steak!
-- Listen Marsha, I've never done this before but the way things are going, well, if I'm to continue on, I kind of need to know... Are we going to have sex later?
-- Oh really, that's what you think this is? You buy me dinner and I screw you. LOL! Well yes, Allen, that is exactly how it works. And I want the biggest steak they have. And some expensive wine.
-- Marsha, you can call me anything you want.
-- Oh, I intend to, Al, I intend to.
February 2, 2020
I can't wait for American history to judge this criminal crop of political liars, grifters, goobers and chumps. The summary will probably read something like, At the turn of the century, a bunch of racist old white men ruined America.
February 4, 2020
So in the hospital, every bed has a little TV attached and you can activate it for 8 bucks a day. The whole apparatus - the TV, the wall attachment and the pivot mechanism to swing it to your bed - couldn't cost more than 200 bucks per unit. That means if the TV is rented for 25 days of the year, you break even and the thing is paid for forever; 100 days and you've made a 400% profit; if they are rented for 200 days a year, you make $1600 per TV per bed throughout the entire hospital, and the TV stays there for years and years, oh, times however many hospitals they're in. Somebody's getting rich off the sickness of others.
February 5, 2020
Just imagine the person who becomes the new President and has to move into a White House full of Trump family cooties. Just imagine the stains where lard ass Trump sat, the creepiness of sleeping where uber weenie Kushner slept (minus the coffin) and smelling the stench of Donnie Jr. hanging over the joint like a low rent Popeye's. Hmm, would fumigating the entire city of Washington DC rid it of this craptastic family?
February 6, 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Trump is orange
Code orange - toxic or corrosive fluids & gasses
February 7, 2020
An upset boyfriend filled the driveway of his ex-girlfriend's house with 5 yards of concrete. Another angry ex poured sugar in the gas tank of his ex-wife's car. While yet another jilted lover broke into his ex-girlfriend's house and poured motor oil all over the carpet and furnishings. Disgruntled dudes. Don't be that guy.
The demand for tickets to 'An Evening With Bradley Cooper' was surprisingly off the charts.
February 10, 2020
After plowing our driveway, I was down at the barn adjusting the tires chains on the tractor when I had the distinct feeling I was being watched. I stood up and looked around but saw no one. Instinctively, I walked to the side of the barn and there, standing quietly in deep snow was an entire pack of coyotes! Their tracks showed they had come down through our field in chest deep snow and I suppose they planned on walking up the plowed driveway for a bit of a breather, but I was in their way. Goodness, I immediately turned and went back up to the house. Minutes later, I watched 6 bedraggled coyotes make their way up our drive. Ah, the rural life.
February 12, 2020
Overheard two guys talking.
-- Oh my god, it was the biggest pit bull I had ever seen. I couldn't believe it. She just bent down and pet that dog like it was a poodle.
-- What did the dog do?
-- Nothing. While she is scratching it behind the ears, it sat there and stared at me like it wanted to eat me. I was scared shitless. I had to turn around and walk away.
-- You turned your back on a pit bull!
-- I had to, man.
-- Did it attack your girlfriend?
-- What? No. Just the opposite.
-- What do you mean?
-- She adopted the dog! It adores her. She says she feels protected because he looks so intimidating, but that he's really a sweetheart.
-- I'm truly glad this dog has found a new, loving home, but I'm going to have to break up with her.
-- Every time I go over to her place, the dog never takes its eyes off me. Without saying a word, he's saying, She's mine now.
February 13, 2020
Why do you think you're here, living a life, having experiences, thinking, creating, learning? You haven't thought about it? Really? That's kind of ironic because thinking is the mind and the mind is the source of everything you do and everything that happens. Your physical body makes it all happen, but it only expresses the thoughts you have. It only does what the mind encourages it to do. Thursday's Tip: Explore your mind by exploring your thoughts and I dunno, you might just discover...you.
February 16, 2020
I was at the vets yesterday when in walked the biggest German Shepherd I have ever seen, a King Shepherd. They have a walk-on scale in the waiting room and the big boy got on it. 172 pounds! The dog weighed 172 pounds! Tuck, our biggest malamute weighed 150 and we thought that was big. Even the vet was surprised when she met them and saw that her next appointment was a small horse. When they left, the waiting room seemed larger.
February 17, 2020
In my office are piles and piles of unmoored papers. I haven't a clue as to what's in them. I pull a random sheet, grimace. A reminder for a missed appointment. They're land mines! Piles of ticking time bombs! I will be shocked by all the forgotten stuff I'll find in them. I know that. But I must face what I have ignored for far too long. 'Tis a brave and noble thing I'm to do. Is too.
February 19, 2020
Kelsey was a fraternal twin to her brother Leon. Leon was blocky, swarthy, hairy and dark. Kelsey was lean, blond and fair. Not only did they not look like twins, they didn't even look like they were related. Their lives also took divergent paths. Leon became a hairdresser to the stars while Kelsey drifted in and out of prison for one scam or another. In the end, both siblings wondered why they were even twins in the first place. They got none of the benefits - same mindedness, identical looks, a best friend for life - and might as well have been next door neighbours or school chums. What was the point?
February 20, 2020
What if you allow yourself to think the impossible - that you are complicit in every action in which you are involved. You have "agreed" to create and participate in these scenarios when you were in the dream state. Heck, you go unconscious every night - what do you think you're doing in those dreams? That's right, you're psychically planning the events in which you'll be involved, tomorrow, next week, next year. Shit doesn't just happen to you, you are complicit in ALL that happens to you, good, bad and indifferent. Are too.
February 21, 2020
Why is it so gosh darned hard to believe in yourself? Why all the doubt and angst and turmoil? Why all the destructive self-talk, personal denigration and feelings of unworthiness? Why is it so gosh darned hard to believe in yourself? It is absolutely your best bet.
February 22, 2020
Marco lived in a beautiful home. When his guests overstayed their welcome, Marco would replace all the furniture with boulders.
Even though it worked, Marco hated schlepping the damn rocks in and out of the house. He wondered if it wasn't just easier to be rude and blunt and tell them to get the fuck out.
February 25, 2020
Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My mood is toxic. Stand back!
February 26, 2020
She was a wisp of a thing out walking her two Rottweilers. No leashes. Fearsome looking dogs at her side. She looked like a Disney princess with her oversized protectors. She was confident enough to walk these two massive, formidable beasts without restraint in a city full of distractions - other dogs, cats, people, cars - she was clearly a master of the universe and certainly no one to be trifled with. Rock on, Disney princess.