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KeithSpeak- February 2013


February 1, 2013
I got a call from a friend of a friend who asked if I could help his friend with her computer problems (so, a friend of a friend of a friend, nice). But I'm a good guy so I agree. I walk into her place and it's an homage to retro. Everything is hip, cool, kitschy or old. Including her computer. It's a Windows 95 box. "Isn't it cute! I love how old it is!" Her computer issues are myriad. I tell her that she is seven operating systems behind the current version; that her software isn't legacy, it's ancestral; that trying to fix this relic is a waste of time. She protests that she doesn't want a new one because it won't fit in with her decor. I really didn't have anything to say after that.
February 2, 2013
An American friend was making fun of our Canadian politeness. I asked him why he was belittling a decency, a terrific societal trait, a sign of respect, and he said because it's soft, it's acquiescence, it's not manly enough. When we were done chatting, I hung up the phone and went back to my awesome quality of life in a friendly, helpful, polite society and he went back to his.
February 3, 2013
The locals call it the Ghost Tram. It just appeared overnight in the foggy woods. Some say it leads to the devil's maw, while others insist it's a tramway to heaven. But no one wants to ride it to find out. So the peasants tarred and feathered a local idiot and put him on the Ghost Tram. But he never came back. So they still don't know, heaven or hell. It's easily the number one topic in this hamlet.
February 4, 2013
I'm leafing through a large format magazine on modernism and come across a beautiful picture of a spacious all white living room, empty except for a chair, side table and a beautiful all white Ducati motorcycle parked in the middle of the room. The picture oozed power and charisma. Though it was clearly an ad, and I had no idea what they were selling, I was buying it big time.
February 5, 2013
Saw an article where the kids in this family were named Thor, Zeus, Apollo and Denny.
February 6, 2013
I know someone who has moved eight times in the last six years. All of it here. She loves living in this place, she just can't find her space within this place. Over the years she has tried all four compass points. She has lived down on the lake and up in the mountains. She has lived in an apartment in the city and out on an acreage in the valley. None of them have been "her spot". She knows it exists and says she will keep moving until she finds it. I asked her what will happen once she finally does settle in. "That's easy," she smiled, "I will sit back and breathe deeply."
February 7, 2013
This guy inherits his grandmother's house after she passes on at age 84. He starts to clean it out. When he gets to the bedroom, he pulls down her Murphy bed and finds it strewn with pictures he'd wished he'd never seen. Grandma had a fetish. Ew.
February 8, 2013
And the neighborhood dogs wept with joy.
February 9, 2013
Just read a story about Fauja Singh, a 101 year old Indian man who still runs marathons. STILL RUNS MARATHONS! This is an example of an amazing human being and the proper use of all caps.
February 10, 2013
A series of concurrent calamities have hit. We have oven problems, furnace problems and truck problems. A message is definitely being sent. Just have to figure out what it is.
February 11, 2013
She asked me where I lived.
Canada, I replied.
I love Canada, she confided.
Me too, I smiled.
February 12, 2013
A lady starts a DIY home renovation project. During demo she discovers a locked hidden door in behind a false wall in her basement. She cuts the door up with a Sawzall and upon entry finds a small room with nothing in it. When she turns to exit, hanging there on the back of the door is a gorgeous, very valuable 12th century tapestry, now hacked up and shredded by the vicious blade of her reciprocating saw. Ouch.
February 13, 2013
An archeologist friend sent me some photos taken inside an Egyptian tomb. The pictures were creepy. So what's with burying people underground? Who started that? Doesn't it seem more like an out of sight, out of mind response to a dead body? OMG Charlie's dead! Quick, hand me that shovel so we don't have to look at it anymore. Why doesn't someone say, You know, with all the gasses erupting from Charlie's decomposing body, I could run my car for a week, and then figure out a way to do it. How come no one ever says something like that?
February 14, 2013
In a business meeting, this guy proclaimed himself to be a visionary. I was like, if you have to tell everyone... Isn't that like demanding respect instead of earning it? As if to bear out my speculation, he laid out his plan and it was incomplete and awful. He might have had a vision, an awful vision, but he was no visionary.
February 15, 2013
Something surprising happens and you're given until tomorrow afternoon to change the one most horrible thing about yourself. This is a behavior modification, not plastic surgery. If you're able to do this, wonders await. If you fail to either identify your worst trait or act upon it, then my friend, bad juju is yours. So, um, what would you change?
February 16, 2013
-- Why would you bring me here?
-- See that? It's called perspective. I wanted you to have some.
-- Are you crazy? It's freezing out here, I'm exhausted and wet from tromping through the middle of nowhere to get to this...this bridge so I can have some perspective? Are you nuts? Perspective about what?
-- Your incessant complaining.
-- I hate the inconvenience of winter. So shoot me.
-- Yes, your honor, he encouraged me to kill him. I didn't want to but he urged me on. I'm free to go then? Thank you.
-- Ha ha, that's so funny I almost forgot to laugh. Look, your little bridge to nowhere is pathetic and I'm not impressed. But I am wet and cold and hate this place with a passion. So can we go now? Are you all done being arty and illustrative? I hate it when you go overborad like this. If I get pneumonia from your stupid little trick- What, what is that? Where did you get a gun? Don't point that thing at me! What are you doing?!
-- Yes, your honor, he encouraged me to kill him. I didn't want to but he urged me on. I'm free to go then? Thank you.
February 17, 2013
A week ago I went to a website that wanted permission for a Flash app to run my cam. I said Ok. The next morning when I booted my computer, I noticed that the green light on my camera was lit. That's not right. So I bring up the camera app and sure enough, it's on - and recording! I pull the plug on the cam and backtrack in my history file until I hit upon the site that wanted the Flash permission. I write to the site admin and ask about the nefarious nature of what I have discovered. The next day the site is gone. The URL brings up a 404 and the domain registration is fictitious. I'm shocked, shocked.
February 18, 2013
I visited a windmill under construction on a farm. They were using a crane to lift the nacelle to the top of the tower, but ¾ of the way up a gust of wind caught the nacelle and slammed it into the tower. The lifting strap got caught on something and ripped when the crane operator pulled it away. The nacelle fell to the ground. In seconds it was a mashed up smoking hunk of mangled metal. The rigger mumbled about how he'll get fired for this and how was he going to provide for his family now. The land owner cursed repeatedly as he realized he was no closer to generating electricity. The crane operator had his head in his hands and knew his company would be charged for the damage and that his job was now at risk. Only I, with nothing to lose, felt properly thrilled to have been there to witness the entire debacle.
February 19, 2013
What do these women have in common?
None of them are men.
February 20, 2013
Heard two teenagers extolling the greatness that is reality TV. (Oh mankind, wherest has thou withered?)
-- Hey man, did you see that new show last night?
-- Oh my god that redhead was hot!
-- I liked her roommate, the one with the bangs.  
-- I bet they shower together at some point. That's why I love reality TV.
-- Where else could you watch two hot chicks showering together on TV? Dude who invented it is a genius.
-- And it's all just regular people. Could you imagine getting famous for just being yourself?
-- And making millions doing it.
-- You can be a complete idiot and still get a TV show.
-- It's the perfect job.
-- You got that right.
February 21, 2013
Dear Mr. Keith,
Is good thing no plagiarism in graphic design! I am graphic designer. I steal all my design from Internet now. Is no work! Copy, paste! Latest design from Paris - in my shop within hour. Fast sell. Look, if I was writer, I would steal from you! Ha ha. Or maybe you go to graphic design like me! We steal from each other! Anyways, you are welcome.
February 22, 2013
So much of my day is spent thinking. I know it looks like I'm not doing anything, or I'm just staring out the window, or doodling on a pad or drinking in the morning, but I'm working. See, I'm trying to figure out life, reality, consciousness. For instance, did you know that everything exists all at once, simultaneously? That all life, all realities, all dimensions, all universes, all the stuff that's ever happened and will ever happen all exists all at once simultaneously in the here and now. Did you know that? Well there you go.
February 23, 2013
How to induce a headache? Listen to a complainer complaining. I met this awful woman who let me know that everything in her life was about everyone else doing her great disservice. She listed all of the dreadful events and terrible actions that had befallen her at the hands of others. She wasn't just put out by this stuff, she was a true blue, championship level, living, breathing VICTIM and wanted everyone to know it. It was as if she had nothing to do with the events of her life. It was a really good magic act, replete with illusion, deception and combustion.
February 24, 2013
Got up late. Am still in my robe. Have nothing planned. So far, it's the perfect day.
February 25, 2013
A friend of mine works at an eye glasses store. I was chatting with her at the counter when a man barged in and said, "I want glasses just like the glasses Clark Kent wears."
My friend says, "Superman?"
"Not Superman! Clark Kent, the mild mannered reporter. I want his glasses. Superman doesn't wear glasses. The guy has x-ray vision. Why would he need glasses?"
"Do you have a picture?"
He brings out his smartphone and starts scrolling through hundreds of pictures of Clark Kent. Whoa.
He stops on a publicity still of Superman from the TV series.
"See, no glasses." Then to a Clark Kent picture. "See, awesome glasses. You have these?"
My friend, being a cut up says, "Oh, you mean the Clark Kent frames! Why didn't you say so in the first place?!
The customer is not amused. "I want them," he deadpans.
"But aren't you worried that I have now seen Clark Kent without his glasses and know your identity?"
The guy frowns. He clearly had not thought of this. "I want them anyway," he says with a lot less enthusiasm.
"We have those in red too. Have you ever considered-"
"Red! Clark Kent does not wear red glasses! My god!"
My friend winks at me as I take my leave.
February 27, 2013
Why smoke an entire pack all at once? Nicotine narcosis.
The eyes don't lie, this dude is high.
February 28, 2013
A guy hired a carpenter to build a wheelchair ramp for his newly disabled wife. But because the house was on a hillside, the ramp would be too steep for her to roll up and scary fast to come down. The husband told the carpenter to build it anyway and he would take care of the rest. The finished ramp had a 7 degree slope and a 12% grade. The husband then welded hooks to both the front and back of her wheelchair and installed a remote controlled winch at the top of the ramp. Now his wife can pay the winch out slowly to go up or down the ramp safely, all by herself, without help. It had been a long time since anyone had seen her smile like that.

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KeithSpeak                                        March 2013


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