KeithSpeak - March 2013

 

 
 
 
March 1, 2013
If you were offered something out of this world and for whatever reason decided not to take it, would you have regrets about it later, or would you be perfectly content with the decision you made and move on with your life? See, the person who regrets things and worries about past decisions is not someone fully focused on the decisions they are making in the present. Which means they will be regretful of those choices later on and then again miss the present moment stuff. That's a conga line of deception. If this is you, may I suggest you stop dancing?
 
March 2, 2013
It was determined by the CIA that cats make the best field agents. "In espionage, nothing goes unseen, stealth is always rewarded and after a while no one notices the cat," explained Bill Monogram, head of CIA HR and a kitty lover with nine of his own. "See, when all the criminals are hanging out at their lair, doing meth and bragging, no one is paying attention to the cat! It can easily sneak off and rifle through desk draws or copy microfilm or something. Brilliant, huh? The CIA plans to replace all human agents with cats by 2015."
 
March 3, 2013
I had been thinking about making a professional connection that would help me with a future goal. I thought of the skill set this person would need and the resources they should have at their disposal. In my mind, I fleshed out my needs and someone to meet them. Yesterday, an unplanned, serendipitous, chance encounter brought me face to face with the very person I had conjured. Coincidence? I think not.
 
March 4, 2013
I don't like to plan. I don't like plans of any sort. Sure, sometimes you have to plan - everyone has advanced dates in their calendar. But I just like living my days as they come. And my wife allows me to do this. How great is she? Anyway, I was thinking how perfectly awful it would be to live a celebritiy life where every moment is planned for and you pinballed from one event to another. I'd get up all tired from the previous day's celebrity doings and say wearily, like I can hardly stand it anymore, like I'm pained by what I'm about to find out, I'd say, "Well, what's on today's calendar?", just dreading the answer, knowing already that it's full, which means I wake up every day popular but unhappy. But that's not my life, whew. I have no plans for today. Yea.
 
March 5, 2013
He decided to cut down an 80 foot fir tree because it was interfering with his satellite TV reception. He had never used a chainsaw before. The tree landed on his father-in-law's '59 Corvette. His father-in-law tried to break his jaw. He knocked the old coot out. His wife was shocked and appalled. A day later she filed for divorce. A day after that he was sued by his father-in-law. He was telling his train wreck of a story at work when his boss learned that he had destroyed a $60,000 car through stupidity. Not one to take chances, his boss sacked him. The insurance company refused to pay up on the Corvette because he was a negligent idiot with a chainsaw. The lawyers were bleeding him dry. His wife backed a moving van up to the house and Hoovered out everything in it. Sitting on the floor where the TV used to be, he wondered if the satellite reception was good now. If trees could last laugh...
 
March 6, 2013
In a discovery that has set anthropology on its ear, this recently unearthed Mayan waterslide has redefined the ancient civilization from pre-Columbian Mesoamerica. All of the classic pyramid structures once thought to be places of human sacrifice, are nothing more than centerpieces to Mayan waterparks! The Mayans were fun! Anthropology owes us an apology.
 
March 7, 2013
Two older ladies were quietly sitting across from me in a waiting room, when suddenly they started arguing.
-- Don't think you can win an argument with me! 'Cause you can't. I have right on my side. You were wrong.
-- I wasn't trying to start a fight, Lucy.
-- Then what in the hell were you doing, Jean, saying I was wrong and trying to tell me every little thing I did wrong? What was that, Jean?
-- I was just saying how I felt.
-- How you felt! What about me? What about how I felt?!
-- I don't know anymore. I wish I'd never said it.
-- YOU wish you'd never said it?! I wish I'd never heard it!
-- Stop yelling, Lucy, this nice young man will think we're fighting.
Lucy turns to me.
-- Are you offended? Is this bothering you, sonny?
-- Leave him out of this, Lucy. This is between us.
-- Damn right it is, Jean.
They turned away from each other. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Everything was quiet again. Holy cripes.
 
March 8, 2013
Having a beer with a mate when a friend's wife enters the pub with two guys, neither of which is her husband. She already appears inebriated. Over the course of the next hour she freely kisses and feels up both men while knocking back a couple more drinks. With the guys practically holding her up, they exit the bar. Twenty minutes later, her husband, my friend, enters the place looking for her. He comes over to our table and asks if I've seen his wife. I tell him the truth. He slumps down in a chair. I order three shots (meant for all of us), but when the server places them on the table, he throws back the trio, gets up without saying a word and leaves. My mate mutters, "Drama queen", I shrug, we go back to talking about motorcycles.
 
March 9, 2013
I was sent a series of pictures of a mom and her daughter about to take a hot air balloon flight in Australia.
Here they are climbing into the gondola.
Now they're waving as the hot air balloon ascends.
Here is a picture of the bottom of the wicker basket as shirts and bras are flung out.
Next picture is of the balloon high up and far away.
The final photo is a snap of a newspaper article about a hot air balloon that descended into the middle of a church parking lot with two half naked ladies in it. The women were shirtless because the daughter had just beaten breast cancer and they were celebrating her remission. The church officials demanded that the women cover up, but they refused saying that they were exalting God by honouring his creation of breasts and the fact that they still had theirs. The priest flipped out and called the cops. The article ends. Why this was sent to me, I haven't a clue.
 
March 10, 2013
-- Dad, what are you doing?
-- I'm standing on water.
-- How can you do that?!
-- I have returned.
-- Returned? From where?
-- I'm the second coming, Billy.
-- No you're not! You're my dad from Leicester. You're a machinist at Jones & Shipman. You're married to mum.
-- Well sure, I'm those things too.
-- You're standing on a rock.
-- No, I'm not.
-- Are you saying that...I'm the son of Jesus?
-- I prefer to be called Barry.
-- What? Barry Jesus?
-- No just Barry.
-- This is unbelievable! My own dad is Barry Christ!
-- No, just Barry. One name, like Adele.
-- I love Adele. Is she my new mum?
-- No, Billy, you're confused.
-- Dad, you're standing on water telling me you're the second coming of Jesus Christ only now you're Barry from the East Midlands. Damn straight I'm confused.
-- There's no need to swear, Billy. Hey, I bet you're wondering why I chose to tell you now.
-- What? Why?
-- Because I'm going to run off with Adele!
-- But you just said-
-- I'm kidding, Billy! Jesus is back - only this time he's got a sense of humour!
-- You're starting to scare me.
-- I'm standing on water, Billy. You're the first to know. Soon, the whole world will know!
-- Know what?
-- That I'm back! God!
-- There's no need to swear, Barry.
-- Good one, Billy.
-- Thanks, dad.
-- Ok, well, I guess I'm off to save the world now.
-- All right. Bye Barry.
-- Bye Billy.
 
March 11, 2013
Do you ever reach the point where you'd just like to, you know, get off the planet? Why must we suffer the indolent salesclerk; the idiot in the movie theater who answers his cell phone and proceeds to have a conversation; the fool driving a car erratically while tweeting that they're driving a car; the loudmouth bigot who needs to sound off in public; the bullies and bastards who make life hell; the takers and the entitled; the developmentally stunted everyman - why are these people everywhere? The universe is big, right? There must be a planet somewhere where everyone thinks like me and acts just like I would. So I have decided that I want to go to there.
 
March 12, 2013
What we have here is insolence, pure and evil. A bratty child with a penchant for drama declares that it wants to leave now! and do something else!, it's bored!, it's this!, it's that!, MOTHER! The woman I'm speaking with, its mother, has dragged the obnoxious child thing to our meeting. She is a film producer whose nanny quit on her this very morning, an hour before our get together. We were trying to discuss a screenplay adaptation but the enfant terrible was throwing tantrum after tantrum. Over the wailing, I asked the producer if the kid was going to be with her every time we met. When she said yes, I said no thanks. As I was leaving, the child was throwing lighted matches onto the carpet.
 
March 13, 2013
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's as far as I've gotten.
I'm no poet but I think the beginning has some promise.
 
March 14, 2013
If looks could kill.
 
March 15, 2013
An online publication wanted to feature KeithSpeak as a daily entry. After checking their site and reading their writers, I thought it looked swell. But one thing bothered me. I hated the ads on their website. For the most part they were for companies and products that I considered offensive and predatory. I asked the managing editor about it and he said that their sponsors and advertisers reflect the philosophy and interests of the site's founder. But the more I learned about this guy, the more I wanted to flee. For starters, he's a big game hunter of rare African wildlife; for the putrid finish - he was a staunch supporter of and big believer in, George Bush. Gak. In between was a litany of horrible things he'd done in the name of conservatism, god and guns. So flee I did.
 
March 16, 2013
Lately, I've been having this fantasy that there is something valuable buried on our land. My mind is tending toward rubies, gold, that sort of thing. It would be best if I had a treasure map, and maybe an inventory of what is to be found there; how much silver, how many diamonds, gold coins, etc. That way, I'll know how much I'm going to make before I have to get all sweaty digging it up. Make the task easier. So all I need is a map and a list of the treasure. I wonder where I can get that?
 
March 17, 2013
                                                                   And rightly so.
 
March 18, 2013
Ate my way through a large bag of M&M's this morning. I report this knowing that nutritional prudeterians everywhere will tsk tsk my choice. Candy for breakfast? Tsk tsk. I should follow it with a beer. Turn that tsk into a gasp. Soon, I'll get more adventurous, eating all manner of the strange and unhealthy before noon. Not long after, I'll be trolling nutritionists full time, not just for breakfast. Boy, won't that be something.
 
March 19, 2013
Are we someday going to have waterfront property on the Pacific? Our house is 450 kilometers from the coast and 1600 feet above sea level. I have been writing all these climate change scientists asking them if that is a safe enough height and distance for when the west coast falls into the ocean due to earthquake, tectonic fault shift or tsunamis taking back what once belonged to the sea. Are we high enough and far enough away to escape the rising waters when global warming melts the Arctic? Will we have beachfront property when all is said and done? These are things a homeowner needs to know, right? Not one of them has written back. Can you believe those guys?
 
March 20, 2013
I came across a contender for the Interweb's lamest blog. It was penned by a stay at home dad who said such an amazing amount of stupid shit that I had to read it twice to see if it wasn't some genius form of razor subtle satire. It wasn't. This guy is an idiot and his children will grow up to be idiots. His wife, whom he calls Mother, which is super creepy, is never around and I can see why: they're morons. The blog is priceless in a velvet painting kind of way.
 
March 21, 2013
-- Hi.
-- Hi.
-- What's going on?
-- Nothing, just sitting here.
-- Me too. You here often?
-- I'm here all the time, unless someone moves me.
-- Wow, you look so familiar. Have we met before?
-- I don't think so.
-- Could we be related?
-- Depends. Where were you manufactured?
-- I...I don't know.
-- That was a joke! None of us know!
-- Oh, oh yeah. Ha ha.
(long silence)
-- Sorry, didn't mean to embarrass you. Penny for your thoughts?
-- I was thinking that maybe somebody will stack us at the end of the evening. I was imagining your legs around mine, our seat backs touching...
-- Oh my.
-- They'll carry us off to a quiet storage room. Turn out the lights. Shut the door. You and I get better acquainted...  
-- Dear me. 
-- That's what I'm thinking. What are you thinking?
-- I was thinking that the fat guy at the buffet better not sit on me or we're both going down.  
-- Oh.
 
March 22, 2013
-- Mommy, the TV is talking to me.
-- No honey, that's just white noise.
-- It says it's Tyrone Green from Rockland State Prison and he has a poem to recite.
-- A poem?
-- Yes.  
            Dark and lonely on a summer's night
            Kill my landlord
            Kill my landlord
            Watchdog barking
            Do he bite?
            Kill my landlord
            Kill my landlord
            Slip in his window
            Break his neck
            Then his house
            I start to wreck
            Got no reason
            What the heck
            Kill my landlord
            Kill my landlord
            C-I-L-L
            my landlord
But Mommy, what does it mean?
-- Well obviously, Tyrone wants you to kill your landlord.
-- Oh.
 
March 23, 2013
The dust mites were beside themselves. The unsteady giant has awakened!
 
March 24, 2013
Because the outfit caught my eye, I ended up watching a 50 year old man at the local skateboard park. He had on a Hamilton Tiger-Cats football helmet, hockey pants with pads, some kind of chest protector thing that looked suspiciously like a trash can lid, plus elbow and knee pads. He dropped into the bowl, fell off immediately and careened down the wall until he hit rock bottom. Gathering the skateboard, he climbed out of the bowl and lined up on the lip once again. I watched him try it 5 times. Each crash was more spectacular than the last. I didn't know this guy's motivation for doing what he was doing, but it must have been powerful.
 
March 25, 2013
Today's question comes from Mary Lucille Hampton of Thunder Bay, Ontario. She asks why don't I write about my faults more often.
My answer to you Mary Lucille is, why would I want to do that?
She replied that if I revealed more of my faults, maybe throw in a foible or two, then I would be just like her and she would feel better.
Well you know I'm all about making others feel better, so this one's for you Mary Lucille: I have never used a microwave oven. Not even once. Never lived in a house that had one. Perhaps this isn't so much a fault as an admission. But if you had never used a microwave either, you'd feel better right now, yes? Bam, that's what I'm talking about.
 
March 26, 2013
I was doing something else when this absurd thing happened and I spontaneously wrote a KeithSpeak post about it in my head, then knew I'd never remember it later, so went into my office to write it down, only I couldn't get it to sound like the version I created on the spot in my head, so I abandoned the idea of writing about the actual event, opting instead to give a recap of the whole affair up to this point without actually mentioning the absurd thing that sparked it in the first place, as if that might be just as interesting, which, it turns out, it isn't.
 
March 27, 2013
A friend was stressing out about a speech. I gave him the following oratorial tools. They were probably a big help.
 
Self-deprecation. It disarms others. They think you're humbler than you probably are.
Ex.: "Me chic? In these worn out rags? Go on. I'm a dork."  
 
Obfuscation is the cloaking device of rhetoric. Set your phasers to stun.
Ex.: "Hey, I never noticed you had that mole. Have you ever gotten that checked out? They say moles are a sign of cancer. But I wouldn't worry. It's probably ok. Sure it is. Has a doctor ever looked at it? Oh listen to me, going on about your cancerous mole!"
 
Changing the subject.
Ex.: "Me? Let's talk about you! You're so tan! Florida? You been down at Spring Training? How about them Yankees?"
 
Lying to put others at ease is always welcome.
Ex.: "No, you guys are the real heroes."
 
Putting them on the defensive is a time worn staple.
Ex.: "I was told that you said (make up any outrageous lie)."
 
And finally, end it with a story, if possible, incorporating some of the above elements for a super boffo finish.
Ex.: "I was late because Saturday I got really confused thinking about my trip here to Tokyo on Sunday which is really Monday in Tokyo but Sunday at home and Saturday when I first started thinking about it and before you knew it I forgot what day it was and missed my flight. I'm such a dork! You guys are the real heroes! How about them Yankees!? Thank you. Thank you all. Goodnight."
 
March 28, 2013
Good things to come:
            New Doctor Who this Saturday.
            Stephen Harper looks less and less likely to get re-elected.
            My wife is making biscotti.
            The Canucks finally win the Stanley Cup.
            I die a happy man.
 
March 29, 2013
I didn't want to do something but I felt compelled to do it anyway. So I did it. But it resulted in bupkis. In fact, the only thing different was the need to do it was gone. Even though it seemed pointless, if I felt compelled to do it in the first place, it was necessary. I'm sure of it. Was too.
 
March 30, 2013
I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for three grown men to be wearing diapers. If not, my faith in humanity is shaken, just a little bit.
 
March 31, 2013
NEWARK -- Saturday night, a shipment of adult diapers was stolen from a truck terminal in Newark. CCTV cameras show three defiant men in diapers hanging around the truck before it's disappearance. Police say they have no other leads. Hmm...
 
 

 
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