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KeithSpeak- December 2023


December 2, 2023
Carlo had dated Anita for about 3 months. She had one habit that started out cute and slowly morphed into obnoxious and vexing. The habit becoming more annoying by the day. It was driving him nuts.
-- Anita, you know that thing that you do? Well, it's driving me nuts.
-- But you said it was cute!
-- Yeah, months ago. I didn't know you were going to do it every day.
-- I was doing it for you because you said it was cute!
-- Yeah, well, I want you to quit it.
-- Oh, do you? What if I say no. What if that's who I am. What if I say take it or leave it.
-- Fine, I'm leaving.
Actually, Anita was relieved. From the beginning, she hated the name Carlo. Anita and Carlo, Carlo and Anita, there was no rhythm to it. So whether Anita broke up with Carlo or Carlo broke up with Anita, it was still a win-win breakup. The rarest kind.
December 3, 2023
You can be oblivious to how your life is unfolding or you can be proactive about it. You can forcefully create the life you want, or you can ignore it and watch TV until it's your time to die. And who knows, perhaps those episodes of I Love Lucy will be more valuable in the afterlife than you having made something of yourself, learned from doing that, and have the bona fide memories of living it. But I kinda doubt it. Still, as tragic as it is true, we're all free to do what we want with our lives.
December 4, 2023
Overheard a couple at the movies.
-- I can't believe you're going to Lonnie and Alistair's party.
-- Why, what's wrong with that?
-- It's a gay party!
-- So?
-- They are having a gay party and you're going!
-- So?
-- So that makes you gay!
-- What?
-- At least a latent gay.
-- They're my friends.
-- Sometimes I think I don't know you anymore.
-- Look, Margaret, Lonnie got promoted. It's a celebration for that. That's all.
-- Then how come I wasn't invited?
-- Come on, Margaret.
-- I want to know.
-- If you really want to know, neither of them like you. You're a woman and that's reason enough.
-- I think you're secretly gay.
-- Oh please Margaret...
-- That's it, isn't it.
-- Yeah, Margaret, after 14 years of marriage you have finally figured me out.
-- Really?! You're really queer?
-- No.
-- I hate Lonnie and Alistair.
-- Shhh, movie's about to start.
-- I can't believe my husband is turning gay.
-- Shhh.
December 6, 2023
I was given the wrong change, by a lot. I told the clerk that I was shortchanged. He denied it. I went over the math with him  - it cost this much, I gave you that much and the difference is to be returned to me - he still denied it. I really don't know if he made an honest error and wasn't man enough to own up to it, or whether he shortchanged everyone and pocketed the difference. But like I said, it was too much money to forget about. I called for the manager. Lo! miraculously! the money that was owed me suddenly appeared (fresh from his pants pocket, I surmise). The manager arrived. I explained my side of things and when he asked the clerk for his side, the clerk just shrugged. The manager fired him on the spot. Evidently this isn't the first time the clerk had done this. The manager apologized, and I left wondering why I had been a party to this unpleasant affair. Hmm...
December 7, 2023
Were they the smartest aliens yet? All the other aliens cruise around in their super obvious space ships and get seen by people all the time. But not these guys. They disguised themselves as covered bridges. Cars and people went in, but they never came out. It was a brilliant abduction ruse, but unfortunately, since their home planet had only intercepted Earth transmissions from as late as 1850, when there were over 14,000 covered bridges, they came in 2023, when there were only about 400 left. And because they were actually alien space ships disguised as covered bridges, they looked brand new, were in great shape, beautifully painted and meticulously maintained, which, in a deteriorating America, made it super easy for the cops to find which bridges were aliens and promptly arrested them all. Currently, they're doing a 3 year stretch in an upstate max, so in answer to our original question, I guess no, they were not the smartest aliens yet.
December 8, 2023
If you had the chance to make a little money doing something shady, would you? If you had the chance to make a great deal of money doing something shady, would you? Ethically, what's the difference?
December 9, 2023
He was on a first date when the girl saw his low end smartphone and had a conniption. "That's a toy! That's a child's phone! Oh my god, my friends will laugh in your face when they see that. I didn't even know that company still existed. I'm embarrassed for you and I hardly know you. That phone is so 2000, my god. Look at it!"
-- So you're judging me for my cell phone?
-- Uh huh. I'm an influencer and cheap phones are a reflection on me.
-- A reflection on you?
-- Uh huh.
-- How so?
-- As an influencer, I can't be seen with a guy carrying that...that ancient relic. It makes me look bad by comparison. What's wrong with you? Are you trying to be retro hip or something? Listen, that phone is a deal breaker.
-- So this isn't going to work out, you and me?
-- Hardly.
-- Because of my phone.
-- Because of your phone.
-- So my personality, my looks, my demeanor, my humour all mean nothing to you because you're an influencer.
-- Yup. That phone says you're either cheap or stupid, neither of which is acceptable to me.
-- An influencer.
-- Yup.
-- Date over?
-- Date over.
December 10, 2023
I was in a producer's office to discuss a TV project. I'm in a chair in front of his desk and between me and him,  placed on the very front of the desk, are 3 Emmys side by side.
So to talk to him you had to look around the wings and through the ball thing on one or more statues. It was awkward, unnecessary and served merely to show off his Emmy awards. Ugh, I can see needy when it's in front of me. I've never been shy, so I reached over and slid 2 of the 3 to the side so I could see him. And what I saw was a mouth gaping open, eyes impossibly wide and a shocked look on the rest of his face. Nothing was said but his expression verily screamed, Nobody touches my Emmys! The need to show them off was so great that our project discussion was effectively over before it began. He may have been a perfectly good producer, but I only saw the needy guy. Ugh.
December 12, 2023
Here is one way to be happier:
Listen, when you go in for a job interview, you need to be evaluating them as much as they are you. It's a two way street. From the moment you step into the building to the moment you leave, ask yourself what you think about everything. Do you like the company? How about the people you meet? Could you see yourself happy at this place? Is this for you? Otherwise, you can be so desperate for a job that you will ignore red flags, tell yourself that it's not that bad, talk yourself into a job you don't really want with a company you don't really like. I'm just saying it's so much better if you get the job you want at a place you want to work. It's one way to be happier.
December 13, 2023
Pierre was showing off his parkour skills when he slipped from a roof and fell 40 feet to the pavement, breaking most of the major bones in his face and body. His girlfriend Giselle had always thought it was cool to have a handsome boyfriend who did risky, dangerous stuff, but now that Pierre needed full time care, and didn't look so good anymore, Giselle thought that Pierre was selfish to do parkour because what about her? Pierre was broken. Giselle's desire for her broken boyfriend was broken. The relationship was broken. Other people's lives.
December 14, 2023
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Santa is a lie!
Look, I know that kids as young as 2 read this site and telling the truth may burst a few baby bubbles, but perpetuating a boldface lie to all the innocent little children is twisted. Come on, the North Pole, flying reindeer, slave elves! You don't think there's any long term effects to this? Wrong! These disenchanted kids grow up to be punks and degenerates! That's right. Lies become their currency. Then they move on to become lying, disingenuous politicians! Next thing you have is a blundering, serial lying douchebag President! So stop indoctrinating your children with lies. You want your kid to become another straw haired pussy grabber?
This public service announcement has been brought to you by the folkery at Keith Ryan Publishing where we believe that if your welfare is left entirely up to you bad shit will likely happen.
December 15, 2023
Dear Keith,
Who are you? I mean, where did you come from. How come you're living your best life and I'm in hell? I've been all over this site and you don't give up your secrets easily. It's pissing me off. Once and for all, how are you doing it? How are you having such a great life?
Clinging To Hope
Dear CTH,
Imagine that you are in agreement with everything that happens to you. All the good and all the bad, you have (psychically) agreed to be involved in each and every event. You did this in your sleep state. You agreed for your own personal growth and development to experience these things in your real life. If you accept the fact that you ARE involved, and don't look to blame someone else for your circumstances, then you won't feel powerless to affect it or understand it. That's right, you will no longer feel that things are out of control and happening TO you. If you take responsibility and accept that you agreed to experience whatever is happening, then you will come to understand why you're involved. Then you can control how to change it or eliminate it or whatever is necessary to alleviate (or prolong) the circumstance. Then you will see and experience your life in a very different light. Your life - you happen to it, it doesn't happen to you. You are in control. Capish?
December 16, 2023
The meter reader got stuck in our driveway yesterday. She was driving an old Chevy that found the ice and snow in our driveway too much to overcome. I pulled her out with our tractor and when we got to the top of the road, she tried to pay me for the tow. I told her that wasn't necessary. She thanked me and left. This morning I found a box of chocolates in our mailbox. Aw. Is unexpected treasure, the best kind of treasure?
December 18, 2023
Bill's family had been growing hemp in the rural prairies of Nebraska for generations. For over 150 years it had been a perfect family lifestyle for Bill, his two brothers, their father and grandfather, leastways until Bill's lonely, increasingly unstable wife, Prunella, discovered the dark side of the Internet and became a conspiracy theorist, embracing all kinds of cockamamie ideas, one of which was that Canadians were going to invade Nebraska and force everybody to speak French. Prunella was horrified. She was terrible at languages! Fully freaked out she made Bill leave his family farm and they moved to Allentown, PA because she had a cousin named Allen and she thought he might be living there. For Prunella, family was everything. Her family. Not Bill's. Yet another example of other people's lives.
December 19, 2023
If you want to be a writer, write. If you want to be a painter, paint. If you want to be an artist, do art. Regardless of the outcome. That's how it works.
December 20, 2023
I was at the bank when someone started arguing with a teller. It got heated and loud so the manager came over to diffuse the situation but it only escalated. The manager then turned toward one of the CCTV cameras and made a gesture. Within a few seconds a burly fellow with a beard and mustard stains on his shirt emerged from a room and intervened by grabbing the irate man by his shirt and ushering him outside the bank while explaining to him that they will not tolerate abuse of their employees. He then told the irate man that everything that happened was on tape and it will be given to the police. The burly fellow then returned and went back into the room from which he emerged. What?! Do banks have secret bouncers?
December 21, 2023
He was given an assignment from the boss. It required him to work over the weekend. When he handed in the assignment, he also put in for the 11 hours of overtime he worked. His boss said he wouldn't pay it. It was part of the job. Take it or leave it. Confronted with an ultimatum, the height of his boss's pettiness, and his growing distrust of a company that would require him to work on a weekend and not pay him for it, all caused him to make a fateful decision. So what would you have done if this happened to you?
December 22, 2023
Bought a product that was all black. Couldn't figure out how it worked and the instructions were useless as they shot pics of the item but it was so dark you couldn't see where the fittings were or what you were supposed to do with them. I wrote to the company and asked for better instructions. They sent me the same pictures I complained about. With nothing any clearer, I sent the product back and got a refund. Then I ordered the same product, a white one, from a different company. No problem seeing their instructions. Something so simple...
December 23, 2023
Speaking of simple: everything is up to you. You get to decide. You are the first and last boss. It's your life. Anybody who tells you differently has their own agenda in mind, not yours. How simple is that?
December 25, 2023
She patched up her differences with her religious parents and against her better judgement, she flew home for the holidays. Her issue was work. She was a popular girl on OnlyFans and needed to post new content daily, even while she was sleeping in her childhood bedroom. However, the airlines lost her luggage with all her sex toys. What to do? She was recording in her bedroom when her mother wondered who she was talking to, opened the door, and saw her daughter writhing in sexual ecstasy with some random black man she had picked up at the mall. From this point on, Christmas was effectively over as her parents found out what she did for a living and threw her out of the house - which is exactly what they did when she was 16. It's what made her turn to OnlyFans in the first place. Ironic, no?
December 26, 2023
The perfect woman was walking just ahead of him. He couldn't take his eyes off her backside. With his phone he tried for a surreptitious pic, but just as he hit the shutter, she turned to look behind her. In that nanosecond of time she looked innocent yet sexy, suspicious yet alluring, slightly provocative and seductive, but without a hint of guile or manipulation; it was a perfect candid moment caught at the exact perfect time and it produced a picture to die for.
-- Did you just take my picture?
-- Um, I...
-- For real? Let me see it.
-- Uh-
-- Come on, show it to me.
He does.
-- Oh my god! I look incredible!
-- Wow!
-- You have to send me that pic.
-- Ok, but I need your phone number or e-mail.
For the first time, she stepped back and appraised the shooter: average looking, a little dumpy, probably harmless, still.... She ran through the events in her mind and realized that he must have been trying to take a picture of her ass just when she turned around.
-- You were taking a picture of my ass, weren't you.
-- Um...
-- What's your name?
-- Roger. Roger McMillan.
-- Are you some weird incel, Roger?
-- No, no. I'm just a regular guy.
-- But you were gonna take a picture of my ass.
-- Uh, ok, yeah.
-- What's next Roger, upskirts? Hidden cameras in public bathrooms? Glory holes?
-- What?! No! I didn't plan it, it just happened, you were there in front of me.
-- Well here's the deal. I love that picture, I really do, but I'm not going to give you my phone number or e-mail. I don't know who the hell you are Roger McMillan. So-
-- Wait. Here, take my phone. I want you to have it. The picture, I mean.
-- You're giving me your phone?
-- Yeah, I guess.
-- That's ridiculous.
-- Probably.
-- Ok Roger, here's my work e-mail. If you harass me there, IT will bury you and leave no trace. Please send me that amazing picture.
-- Can I call you?
-- No.
-- What about-
-- No. Look, I can't bring myself to thank you for taking the picture because you were perving on my ass and somehow ended up with the best picture anybody has ever taken of me. But it ends with that.
-- Ok.
-- Bye Roger.
-- Ok.
December 27, 2023
I got a business solicitation from a woman who had the same name as someone I went to high school with. I wondered if it was her. But I didn't want to ask because she and I had one of the worst dates ever. So many weird and bizarre things happened that night that neither of us ever talked about it again. Hell, I still don't want to talk about it.
December 29, 2023
What if you had to make a choice between this or that and after you chose that, had second thoughts and became sorry you didn't choose this. To what service? Wouldn't it be more reasonable and comfortable to focus on the choice you did make and see where that leads, as opposed to regretting your choice and looking backwards to no avail except reinforcement of your own mistrust and doubt? Me thinks so. Does too.
December 30, 2023
If I ever ran into El Niño at like the beach or something, believe you me, I'm giving that weather adulterer a piece of my mind. It is the penultimate day of the year and we have had exactly 1 snowfall of 4 inches. 4 inches! And that was a month ago! This is Canada!  It's El Niño's fault. The fact that I have a brand new electric snowmobile all charged up and raring to go sitting in my barn staring at nothing but brown dirt and mud is apparently my fault. One of us has to give.
December 31, 2023
Well, I'll be, the end of another year. Looking forward to 2024, are ye? Some more gruel, sir?

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