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KeithSpeak - August 2023


August 1, 2023
I took a horrible picture at a group event. My eyes were half closed, my hair was askew, my clothes askance. There were 30 of us in the pic and I looked like someone who had just woken up and stumbled into the wrong room at the wrong time - click. I could just let it go and pretend it never happened, but isn't that why god made Photoshop? Excuse me while I go manipulate.
August 2, 2023
I was sure it was Maryann. She looked like Maryann and walked like Maryann, but when I caught up to her, it wasn't Maryann. I apologized to her for thinking she was someone else, but the resemblance was uncanny. The more I looked at her the more I was convinced that this woman was either Maryann's long lost twin or an amazing doppelganger. I told her she was a dead ringer for my friend and would she like to meet her? No. Wasn't she curious? No. Had anybody ever told her she looked like Maryann before? No. Seriously? Yes. She smiled and walked away. Well, I never...
August 3, 2023
He is suing his barber for giving him an awful haircut. Is this what the world has come to?
August 4, 2023
I know it's the dog days of summer, a hundred degrees out there, with forest fires burning out of control and adding to the already oppressive August heat, so why would I put up a pic of dry wood waiting to cause even more harm? Because 5 months from now this same pic is guaranteed security, guaranteed warmth in the coldest months, money in the bank. There are 2 sides to every log. Capish?
August 5, 2023
What is the definition of incongruity?
A right wing Republican politician frequently volunteered his time at the local SPCA. He said his love of animals and their welfare was one of the driving forces in his life. But clearly that didn't extend to his fellow man or woman as he and his fascist comrades continue to take away liberty after liberty from the very people he supposedly represents. 
That is the definition of incongruity.
August 6, 2023
Look at him holding that monkey like it's a winning lottery ticket while in the background, his houseboat is on fire. The dinghy they rowed ashore in is now slowly sinking in a tide pool. He is still wearing the Count of Monte Cristo outfit from the previous night's masquerade party while his monkey is dressed like Cleopatra. The guy, the chimp, the costumes, the flames, it's a picture of calamity, comedy and absurdity. Drat, if only you could see it.
August 7, 2023
I went online to pay a bill but the website looked...off. There was something not right about it. I checked the page head but the URL was good. I couldn't figure out what was different, so I explored the page code. It looked like someone spoofed this website. They'd been hacked. I called them on the phone to inform them of such. But they were arrogant. They laughed at the notion. They said I must be confused and possibly dazed. It was like I was talking to the scammers themselves. I shrugged my shoulders, hung up, wrote out an old fashioned check to finalize my bill and then deleted my account. It wasn't a choice between good and evil, it was a choice between safe and sorry.
August 8, 2023
Somebody just called somebody a dirtbag in public. It was spat out with such disdain that it was both a commentary of disgust and possibly a veiled threat. However, the dirtbagee didn't respond. Because really, what is the proper response when someone calls you a dirtbag? Sure, you could deny it, but isn't that is exactly what a dirtbag would do?
August 9, 2023
Saw a spectacular crash yesterday. One speeding car hit another and actually flipped over and landed on its roof. It looked like a stunt scene from a movie. All the traffic stopped and the driver of the flipped car was pulled out from underneath it. The kid was 16 if a day. He was shaken and bruised but still had the presence of mind to freak out that his dad was going to kill him for wrecking the car. Turns out that he had good reason to worry as he wasn't yet 16, didn't have a driver's license and had taken the car when his father was at work. When the police arrived it was all set in stone.
August 10, 2023
Dear Keith,
How come you rarely talk about writing? I want to help my daughter because she wants to be a writer and she thinks you're clever so I need to know more about this. Here are my questions:
1.) What creative writing school did you go to? Do you have a degree?
2.) Was it expensive?
3.) Could you read some of my daughter's work to see if she has what it takes?
4.) How much rejection is involved in this? My daughter is sensitive and I'm worried about her getting turned down a lot and how she would handle it.
5.) How do you make money from writing?
6.) What is the most crucial advice you could give her?
A concerned father
Dear Dad,
I think it's admirable that you want to help your daughter be an artist. So here we go:
1.) What creative writing school did you go to? Do you have a degree?
I didn't go to school to learn to write. I am self-taught. I do however have a Masters degree in Biology (at the time, I had other plans).
2.) Was it expensive?
To learn to write? In terms of life experiences and having something to write about, yes, it was a very expensive education in every way possible minus the dollars and cents.
3.) Could you read some of my daughter's work to see if she has what it takes?
Nope. I'm an eponymous publisher, which means I only deal with my own work and no one else's.
4.) How much rejection is involved in this? My daughter is sensitive and I'm worried about her getting turned down a lot and how she would handle it.
There is a lot of rejection because every person reading her work will form an opinion. As you might figure, those vary.
5.) How do you make money from writing?
Often you don't. But sometimes you do. How that happens is up to her. If money is her goal, it can be accomplished. If money has nothing to do with her ambitions, then that too can be accomplished. Again, how that happens is up to her.
6.) What is the most crucial advice you could give her?
Just do it. She has to literally sit down and put her words, thoughts and ideas on paper. There is no other way.
August 11, 2023
If you were a public figure where anyone could jump online and slag you off to the world, would it make you question your celebrity? Yes? Maybe? Ok, here's a tip: if you're a target on social media - a notorious judgement filled hate machine full of anonymous "people" - you had better be either Ryan Reynolds or Keanu Reeves, because they are the only loved human celebrities online, but if you're not, and who is, but you are still somehow bound for digital famosity, perhaps you might consider becoming Canadian first. We're just sayin'...
August 13, 2023
You know how there's things you say you're never going to do, like go bungee jumping, play Frisbee golf, get married 6 times or buy a snowmobile? Haw! Moi just bought a snowmobile. I know! But there is a very cool major twist! It's electric! I know! Meet the Taiga Nomad.
It's a production electric snowmobile from an innovative company in Quebec. We have a specific need for a snowmobile on our property, but traditional high performance sleds are loud and offensive to wildlife and the local environment. With this beauty there is no noise, no gas, no oil, no stinky exhaust fumes, no maintenance, no kidding. It is so the future it could be 2123.
August 14, 2023
Overheard two older women at the pharmacy.
-- My Marci is almost finished with her nursing degree.
-- She's your granddaughter, right?
-- Yes, she is my daughter's oldest.
-- Nursing seems like a good profession.
-- Ick, too many sick people. The only time I want to be in a hospital is when they are administering last rights.
-- Judy, you're not even Catholic.
-- I figured at the end it might be prudent to hedge my bets, you know, cross the t's and dot the i's.
-- That's cheating.
-- Cheating? What? Who?
-- All of us who were forced to go to church to listen to interminable sermons all these years just so we could get into heaven at the end, that's who.
-- Suckers.
-- Judy!
August 15, 2023
Over a Tinder dinner date, Janet thought that Larry would be the perfect husband for her, even though he was married to Janice at the time. Janet figured that their names were so close perhaps he might slip up one amorous night with Janice and call her Janet. Would he ever admit it to her if he did? Better still, how would Janice take it? Ooh, would she accuse him of having an affair? Would she get jealous of little ol' me? Ha ha, this will be so easy. Wait, what if we get married and one night he calls me Janice?!
August 16, 2023
The sky is red from all the burning wildfires. The light is eerie and it has the feel of an apocalypse. There is blowing ash in the air, it's 90+ degrees, and the sun is a flaming ball of red. That's not normal for a Wednesday, is it?
August 17, 2023
I can't stand it anymore.
Why, whatever are you talking about, Horace?
That. Your vernacular. "Why, whatever" -
It sounds like we're in a 30s movie.
Golly gee, Horace.
Damn it, Ginny, who the hell says golly gee anymore?!
Don't forget, I used to be an English teacher.
You were a stinkin' substitute. Pipe down, Charlotte.
Substitutes are important.
We're the police of the teachers union.
You subbed for 3rd graders on snow days, ya mook.
 Some stiff got under your skin, so you quit.
You're a quitter, Johnny.
Listen to you! I'm going to do something drastic.
I have to.
You got them conniptions, Hor honey.
Settle down, sugar.
Sugar? Sugar! That's it!
I'm cancelling Turner Classic Movies!
You bum!
Ginny, you're going to speak modern American
if it's the last thing I do.
I'll deep 6 ya, Joe. I swear I will.
Don't make me do it.
Ginny, where'd you get that gun?!
Not such a big palooka now, are ya?
Ginny, no!
Goodbye, Horace.
August 18, 2023
I was comparing refrigerators with an old chum. What? Everybody has one, why can't it be a topic of conversation between two manly men? How else you gonna keep the beer cold? It was an invigorating discussion. That's all I have to say. And it's probably all you want to hear. A win-win!
August 19, 2023
He was a mess. He came up to me at a conference and demanded things. Unreasonable things. He didn't explain why or demonstrate any sort of need, but was demanding just the same. He spoke in a clipped, perfunctory manner that was both exasperating for what wasn't said, as it was for the way he said it. I honestly had no idea what he wanted, but it was entertaining. After our "chat", I pawned him off on a guy I truly dislike and whom I suspected did not have the wherewithal to manage the disjointed man. That too was entertaining. What a fun conference.
August 20, 2023
On her résumé she described herself as "normal". During the interview she again called herself "normal". When asked to explain "normal", she said that she was average, regular, nothing special and nothing weird. HR thought that was nice. They hired her. But like everyone else, she lied on her résumé. She wasn't "normal". So they fired her. Then they went looking for better "normal" people; people who thought like HR did; someone who wouldn't mind going on a corporate merry go round where no one has any fun on the ride.
August 21, 2023
It seems the world wants to know who is a bigger douchebag, Musk, Zuck or Douchebag Donnie. Oh look, the votes are in. It's been noted that since it's already his name, Douchebag Donnie is the winner loser. But it was close. Oh so close.
August 22, 2023
What, you thought being trans was something new?
August 23, 2023
I was online ordering something for my wife's birthday but the sizing chart suggested I get her an x-small. I dunno, that didn't seem right. My wife is petite but not that petite. It would suck to order the wrong size, have her not be able to use it, have to send it back for the correct size and then, perhaps weeks later, say, Happy Birthday! You know? So, do I believe the sizing chart or my instinct?
August 24, 2023
Jeez, another ordering snafu! Some company sent me two of something when only one was ordered. Now I'm supposed to use my valuable and oh so precious time to send the one back because they made a mistake. I am not a machine! Maybe I should never buy birthday presents again. Then none of this would be happening. Hmm...
August 26, 2023
She wrote a poem. Without permission, her ex-boyfriend took her words and used them as lyrics in a song. The song got recorded by a famous singer and was nominated for a music award. When the singer won, she thanked everyone but the original writer of the poem. The woman then wrote another poem about how awful the singer was, engaged a lawyer and suggested they sue everyone. In the meantime, a far right group latched onto the song and played it at their rallies. They didn't acknowledge her either and they too became part of the lawsuit. A brain dead Republican politician then usurped the song to appease his bone headed followers and he too got served cease and desist papers. His moronic minions then started doxxing the poem writer and these people also became part of the suit. The trial was a sensation, the media got all slathered up and in the end the whole affair got turned into a turgid movie of the week. It was, for better or worse, a modern day version of the American Dream.
August 27, 2023
Sure, there's video, pictures and music, but at its core, the Internet is still a reader and writers medium. Just don't believe everything you read, see or hear. Mkay?
August 28, 2023
Her grandfather willed her his pristine 1963 split window Corvette. She had no idea how to drive a stick shift, nor did any of her Gen Z friends. So she watched a YouTube video and set off. She stalled the car so much that the abrupt fits and starts caused the rear view mirror to fall off. The clutch pedal was stiff and hard to push in but once she got going grinding the gears was super easy. At one point she even slammed it into reverse while still moving forward. It wasn't until she sideswiped a parked Cadillac that it was believed her grandfather finally rolled over in his grave.
August 29, 2023
At a red light I pull up next to two people on a motorcycle only it's not two people it's one person and a dog in a flak jacket. A Golden retriever to be exact. They were both wearing goggles but the dog wasn't wearing a helmet. The Golden was upfront and the human was behind so it looked like the dog was driving the bike. The light changed green and the two of them sped off like it was nothing, when actually, it was quite something.
August 30, 2023
Overheard two men in line at the grocery.
-- It's Alice's birthday on Tuesday.
-- That's nice. Who's Alice?
-- My dog. I'm going to give her ice cream. She loves ice cream.
-- Aw, that's nice.
-- I love to treat Alice. Heck, I treat Alice more that I treat Carol.
-- Who's Carol?
-- My wife.
-- Aw, that's nice.
-- Not really, but it is what it is.

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