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KeithSpeak - August 2022

 

 
 
 
August 2, 2022
I was in my wife's office and saw her old Windows 95 tower stashed beneath her desk and it triggered a case of PTSD. I had immediate flashbacks to countless hours working on IRQ interrupts and overflowing buffer caches. Remembering how every time I installed a piece of software, it would conflict with something else and the resolution of that would take a ridiculous numbers of hours to fix. Adapters often wouldn't work, drivers were frequently corrupted and legacy software was handled by making cludgy workarounds that made that 95 box a patchwork of bodges. I asked my wife why she kept it. She said she had fond memories of it. Say what?
 
August 3, 2022
I was fixing our fencing up by the road when a documentary film crew drove by and then stopped. A fellow got out, explained that they were a documentary film crew, and asked if I knew where such and such was. I told him that was one of the beaches down at the lake and I explained how to get there from here. As we were talking he kept looking over my shoulder at our property.
-- Is this your place?
-- It is.
-- How much land is here?
-- 37.5 acres.
-- Wow. You know, we're always looking for interesting locations. Can you see the lake from your field?
-- Yes.
-- Um, might we be able to shoot some B roll scenery in there?
-- What is your film about?
-- We are documenting small town Canada and the diversity of scenery and people in this amazing country. We are going to stitch together a pastiche of the geography and population north of the 49th parallel as a way to show who we are and how diverse this country really is. We hope we are making a love letter to Canada.
-- Ok, you can film in the field as long as you don't show our house, office, barn, truck or any identifying personal items.
-- No, we would just want footage of the mountains and lake from this vantage.
-- All right then, follow me.
They park their truck on the road and retrieve their equipment. I show them to a gate and they come onto our property.
-- Dude! This is amazing! From the road you have no idea what's in here! Look at these views! Randy, set the tripod up over here.
For the next hour we traipse around our property while they film the scenery. They are able to see and record several deer, a black bear, two rabbits and a floatplane landing on the lake. They seem quite happy with the footage. I walk them back to their vehicle and am thanked for the opportunity. I am again asked directions to the beach before they drove off. And that was that. As if nothing had happened, I went back to fixing the fence.
 
August 4, 2022
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
 
The aliens landed, said hello, and then proceeded to eliminate all the fools, hypocrites, charlatans, poseurs, grifters and dumbass politicians - your basic reprobates - damned refreshing!
 
August 5, 2022
Overheard three women on the sidewalk.
-- Are you going to Sherry's party?
-- I wasn't invited.
-- Really? What about you Alice, you going?
-- I wasn't invited either.
-- Why wouldn't she invite you guys? I don't get it.
-- Me neither.
-- You'd have to ask Sherry.
-- I think I will.
She pulls out her phone, dials, speaks and listens, gets a weird look on her face and hangs up.
-- Well, what did she say?
-- You guys aren't invited.
-- We already knew that! Why?
-- She said it's a private party. Just me and her.
-- What? Two people? That's not a party.
-- I think she was coming on to me. It sounded like she was planning on seducing me or something.
-- Are you serious?
-- Sherry?!
-- That nuts. She isn't even gay.
-- I'd do her.
-- She didn't invite you, Alice. What are you going to do, Marla?
-- I don't know. I'm...confused.
-- I would definitely do her.
-- So helpful, Alice.
-- I'm just sayin'.
 
August 6, 2022
He was leaving on a business trip but gave his wife $500 to go purchase a couch for their guest room. Next door to the couch store was a tattoo parlor. On a whim she went in, got completely swept up and asked the tattoo artist if she could get a large dragon on her back for 500 bucks. When her husband returned a week later and saw the dragon, he freaked out in the most male way possible: "Damn it, Darla, how are we supposed to do it doggy style now if I have to stare at that?!"
 
August 7, 2022
You have any idea how frustrating it is when the TV remote completely craps out? I'm not talking about replacing the batteries, I'm talking about a brick that no longer works. The remote is useless which means the TV is useless. With no television, that means I have to go to work instead of avoiding it all together. The television gods have abandoned me. On a Sunday no less! Oh, cruel world.
 
August 8, 2022
How do you get ahead in life? Well it isn't getting a better job or making more money. Getting ahead in life is not measured in dollars and cents or hours worked, it is only exhibited though personal development. It's understanding why you're doing what you're doing. It's figuring out how life works best for you. It's knowing that who you were in the past is not who you have to be in the future, that life is malleable, and that you can make it anything you want. You improving you is how to get ahead in life. Do that and the jobs and money will follow, not the other way around.
 
August 9, 2022
I ran into two Dutch guys who couldn't believe that marijuana is legal across Canada. One guy said it puts Amsterdam to shame; the other agreed and then added: Why is it so expensive? Taxes, silly. Store bought dope is expensive because the government is involved, and that's what they do - over regulate, over estimate and over charge. Because there was a strong underground pot culture already in existence before legalization, the stringent government regulations will eventually ease if for no other reason than to get a portion of the underground pot economy above ground. Why? Taxes, silly.
 
August 10, 2022
-- We're almost there. You ready?
-- I'm just tying up my sneakers.
-- As soon as I park, we hit the ground running.
-- Ok. You have the stopwatch?
-- What! No, I thought you had it!
-- Nooooo. Oh my god, what are we going to do now?
-- We'll have to estimate 10 minutes.
-- Are you crazy?! Do you know how much our car costs? We can't take any chances. We'll have to do this in shifts.
-- There won't be enough time!
-- We'll have to make time. You know how serious this town is about parking.
 
August 12, 2022
He was yet another useless politician with no agenda except to line his own pockets. To do so, he had to fit in with his party's messed up ethos. So even though he was gay, he was vehemently anti-gay. Voted anti-gay on everything. Even though he had a trans boyfriend, he was vehemently anti-trans. Voted anti-trans on everything. He lied to the media, his constituents, his fellow politicians and himself. He would sell his soul if he had one. He knew the system was broken and that he was part of the reason why it was broken. He just didn't care.

 

 

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