KeithSpeak - August 2019

 

 
 
 
August 1, 2019
A neighbour was out calling for her dog. Her dog was in our yard laying under a shade tree. When he heard his name he sat up, listened for an instant, then went back to lolling about. She called over and over and he ignored her time and time again. She used all her tricks, asking if he was hungry, if he wanted treats, if he wanted to go for a car ride, but none of them fazed the yard snoozer. About an hour after she stopped, the dog sat up, stretched like one does after a good nap, and meandered back home. Not exactly a Disney moment, but a happy ending nonetheless.
 
August 2, 2019
He was in it for himself.
She was selfish.
They met.
They hated each other.
They sparked over everything.
The attraction/repulsion was magnetic.
The sex was frantic.
The animosity toward each other, electric.
The end was predictable:
He was in it for himself.
She was selfish.
 
August 3, 2019
The cat came in with a dead mouse and dropped it in the kitchen. She looked up imploringly and silently asked me if I wanted to first praise her for her spot on killing talents and then wondered what I was going to do with it because if I had no plans, she was kinda hungry and that mousie sure looked like it would taste pretty good.
 
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
Neil Gaiman
 
August 4, 2019
FIRST LINES WE'D LIKE TO READ
There had been a car parked outside her house all night and when she got up in the morning and saw that it was still there, panicked a little, thought about calling 911, but in the end took a seat by the window and steadily watched the vehicle as if it was her last boyfriend Chet, the womanizer, only this car was way more sinister than Chet's cheating, so convinced was she that there was something nefarious going on she continued to keep her eye on it, ever vigilant, ever worried, even as her neighbor approached the car, unlocked it and drove off to work, fully illustrating for her that she had a pretty fertile imagination that could easily lead her straight into madness if she wasn't careful.
 
August 5, 2019
Ew, that commercial where the old man convinces the hot, young girl that he needs a maid to clean his house and at first she doesn't want to do it but she's desperate for money because she has to support her alcoholic invalid mother so she cleans the old man's bathroom and while doing so gets aroused because of her sensitivity to cleaning agent chemicals and is soon impregnated by the old man who is adamant about naming the kid Jimmy, after his beloved dead parakeet, but she prefers Alonzo, in memory of her dead bother who was killed by a driverless car owned by the notorious eccentric, Carlson Crenshaw...wait a minute...just a second...that's either the worst commercial ever or a splendid dream I had.
 
August 6, 2019
I was stopped downtown by a German tourist.
-- Can you tell me where I am?
-- You're in Salmon Arm.
-- Yes, but I don't understand. Fish have no arms, only fins.
-- Shhh, don't mention Finns around here.
-- Why not?
-- In 1650 a boat of rebel invaders from east Helsinki tried to take over Canada right here but were fought off by the townspeople using the only thing they had - fish. Salmon to be precise. The citizens armed themselves with salmon. They were salmon armed. After the victory the town changed its name from Los Angeles to Salmon Arm. It's a great story, but not without controversy.
-- Why is that?
-- What do we locals call ourselves? Salmon Armites? Salmon Armenians? You see?
-- Hmm.
 
August 8, 2019
So
The orange goober
The creepy fake haired ghoul
The pussy grabber
The deluded old man
The pathological liar
The ignorant fuck
Says that mass murder on American soil is cool as long as it's done by one of his supporters.
We can't begin to tell you how tired we are of his bullshit.
Sincerely,
The World
 
August 9, 2019
This is the only known picture of the 3 Grandmas, who, according to Trump the Wonder Buffoon, are the brain trust behind the #1 immigration cartel in Mexico or Central or South America, he's not sure which because he's a deluded old man, he's lying, and he doesn't know any other countries beside London. According to the deranged dotard, these grandmas are ruthless killers intent on getting into America so they can spread their evil and rot the system from the inside out. As opposed to the current cretin who is at present spreading evil and rotting the system from the inside out. And stinking up the joint as well.
 
August 10, 2019
Hey, whatever happened to the Taffys and Kittys of this world? How come no one is named Bernice or Bertha anymore? Where are all the Pickles, Bunnys, Velvets, Bambies and Bubbles? How come you never see any newborns named Beryl, Blanche, Wilma, Minnie, Noreen, Luella, Inez, Hilda, Fannie, Eunice or Clementine? Well?
 
August 11, 2019
Damn, I moved here for the peace and quiet. Now this.
 
Maclean's magazine calculated which 415 cities and towns
offer the best quality of life in Canada.
SALMON ARM was named the best community in British Columbia,
and the 6th best place to live in Canada.
 

KathleenFisher

 
August 13, 2019
Bastardized haiku
The cat is on my keyboard.
The computer has rebooted into safe mode.
The cat does not respond.
 
August 14, 2019
The Continents Weigh In On The Disaster That Is Trump
Europe:Bloody hell, look at that bloated wanker. Proud are ye?
Asia:This guy's a loser in any language.
Africa:And I thought we had some punk ass leaders.
Australia:G'day mates. How's that moron workin' out for ya?
Antartica:I've seen cold dead fish with more on the ball than the orange stain.
South America:Mierda, qué tonto.
North America (minus Mexico and Canada):He's a useless, lying piece of shit, but he's our useless, lying piece of shit.
 
August 15, 2019
I did a tarot spread for a friend. The cards revealed that he is cheating on his wife. He admitted that he was. The cards also said that his wife knows about it and plans to get even. He asked for clarification and drew some more cards. It looked pretty much like she was going to kill him in his sleep. Huh, sounds like her, he admitted. Any dates on that, he asked, drawing another card. Ooh, could be tonight, I replied. She said she was going to her sisters! he yelped. Pull one more card, I say. Nope, her sister is coming here. She's going to help. He just sighed.
 
August 16, 2019
The computers won. Now, only old people can remember the unfettered days before the digital revolution. For them, the revolution never happened. For them, computers will always be 'newfangled'. Their houses are chock full of typewriters and adding machines. LPs litter the floor beneath their 50 year old turntables. The kitchen table has oilcloth on it for god's sake. For them, the promise of the 1s and 0s didn't amount to much. They just opted out. And if you look hard, you'll still see them sitting by their TVs waiting for Gunsmoke to come on. But soon, they'll be gone, and with them will go life before hacking, trolls, and rampant xenophobia. Farewell?
 
August 19, 2019
Been out of town all weekend. Nothing of interest happened. Maybe tomorrow?
 
August 20, 2019
OMG, I have to go out of town again today! What's wrong with these people! I am not a machine! Tee hee.
 
August 21, 2019
An old, devious acquaintance got in touch. He was looking for the address and phone number of another wily old friend. He wouldn't say why he wanted to find him but reading between the lines it either had to do with money, a girl, a deal gone bad or all three. I told him that I hadn't seen or talked to the wily one in years; didn't know where he was or how to get a hold of him. The devious one didn't believe me, tried to insert me into the scenario as an ally of the wily one (what a devious bastard!) before I cut him off, told him he was barking up the wrong tree (in so many blog unfriendly words) and said my goodbyes. Vicissitudes. Gak.
 
August 22, 2019
Overheard three men in town.
-- Jerry here thinks that money grows on trees.
-- No I don't.
-- You told me that you were planting the tree of prosperity.
-- It was a metaphor, Allen.
-- So what do you think, Habib, is Jerry's tree real or not?
-- You two are privileged white guys. Where I come from, money is found in the gutter along with one's dignity in obtaining it.
-- Damn. I like the tree thing better.
-- Me too.
 
August 24, 2019
I love me some me - Terrell Owens
I love me more than me, I love me twice as much as me - Don the Con
 
Hurt me with the truth but don’t comfort me with a lie - Unknown
All I got are lies. People are stupid - Don the Con
 
Money attracts the woman you want, struggle attracts the female you need - Mahadev
Just grab 'em by the pussy. Bitches love that -Don the Con
 
Stick around I may need someone to blame - Oscar Wilde
I am the chosen one. It's always somebody else's fault - Don the Con
 
We must learn who is gold and who is simply gold plated -  Albert Einstein
All my toilets are solid gold. Who is this Einstein schmuck anyway - Don the Con
 
Life is accepting what is and working from that - Gloria Naylor
I just make shit up. People are stupid. I am the chosen one - Don the Con
 
Learning is a weightless treasure you can always carry easily - Chinese Proverb
Who says that? China? I got the best tariffs against China. My tariffs are the best tariffs. The only treasures are solid gold toilets - Don the Con
 
Your life is your message - Gandhi
Oh really? Well what if you're a serial groper, pathological liar and a deluded old man, what's the message then - Don the Con
 
Don't live in the past until it becomes toxic - Unknown
Everything is Hillary Clinton's fault. Hillary Hillary Hillary. I hate her - Don the Con
 
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool - Shakespeare
I'm not the fool. You're the fool.  
I'm rubber 
You're glue
Bounces off of me
And sticks to you
Who the hell is this Shakespeare jerk anyway. He sounds like a loser - Don the Con
 
August 26, 2019
Have you heard anybody say lately, What a great time to be alive! Yeah, me neither.
 
August 28, 2019
You ever get the feeling that you've come at a bad time? I had a 3:00 appointment with a rep in the film industry. I walked into her office and saw there was no one there, I also saw a blue vibrator and blue panties on her desk, a pair of pants draped over the back of the chair. A couple of seconds later the toilet flushes, the bathroom door opens and out strolls the rep, bottomless, holding an iPad with porn on it. She stops.
-- I thought the door was locked.
-- It wasn't.
-- What time is it?
-- 3:00
-- When was our appointment?
-- 3:00
Without an apology, hint of embarrassment, or the need to say anything about what she was obviously doing, she slides the vibrator into a desk drawer, slips back on her panties and slacks, tucks in her blouse, sits behind the desk and starts our professional conversation. Wow.
 

 
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