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KeithSpeak - April 2024

 

 
 
 
April 1, 2024
He said he was an English professor, however, he also said, "Some people have a way with words, other people not have way." Hmm, an English professor, you say.
 
April 2, 2024
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Why are there so many assholes in the world?
 
Signed,
Fed up
 
Dear Fed up,
Everyone is at their own developmental level. So the world is full of hopeless twits and bodhisattvas. You will run into both in this lifetime. How you deal with them will have a direct bearing on your own personal development. Tidy, eh?
 
April 4, 2024
Overheard a couple on the street.
-- Where do you want to eat?
-- I don't care.
-- You always say that.
-- Because I really don't care.
-- So one place is as good as another?
-- Yeah, I guess.
-- So what, does all food taste the same to you?
-- No, I just don't care what kind it is.
-- Would you eat a snake?
-- Sure.
-- What about a wombat?
-- If I was hungry enough.
-- Carrion?
-- You have to draw the line somewhere.
-- How long have you been like this?
-- Like this?
-- Indifferent to food.
-- Ever since I was a kid and watched an eagle eat a rabbit alive. It was shocking as I realized that you have to eat others so you can continue to live. I wanted to live so I told myself I would eat anything to stay alive and that taste had nothing to do with it.
-- Wow.
-- Yeah. So where do you want to eat?
-- That image. The eagle. The baby rabbit.
-- I didn't say it was a baby.
-- Just the same, I'm not hungry anymore.
-- Wombats. Where did that come from?
 
April 5, 2024
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
 
ALONZO
I will not go quietly.
 
PEGGY
Just leave, Alonzo.
 
ALONZO
I will not.
 
PEGGY
If you don't leave I will do something drastic.
 
ALONZO
Like what?
 
PEGGY
You just wait and see.
 
ALONZO
Wait and see? I thought you wanted me to go.
 
PEGGY
Oh yeah, you can go.
 
ALONZO
Next time, when I come back-
 
PEGGY
Don't ever come back.
 
ALONZO
Ok, but-
 
PEGGY
Don't but, just go.
 
ALONZO
If I go, I'm never coming back.
 
PEGGY
Didn't I just say to never come back?
 
ALONZO
I'm going now...
 
PEGGY
Finally.
 
ALONZO
If that's what you want.
 
PEGGY
For Christ's sake, Alonzo, get the fuck out of here!
 
ALONZO
No need to get snippy, Peg. All you had to do was ask me to go.
 
PEGGY
I did! Like a hundred times!
 
ALONZO
So you're saying it's over?
 
PEGGY
Duh.
 
ALONZO
Huh.
 
April 6, 2024
I got asked to do something professionally that I didn't want to do. My life is predicated on doing exactly what I want to do, and this wasn't it. It had nothing to do with the money or the company or the movie itself. It was just something I wasn't interested in doing. By the way, this is how you have a life where you're happy and pleased with the choices you've made - do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do. Capish?
 
April 7, 2024
She called herself Scarlett because she hated her real name, Patty. Patty was sugar coated sweetness while Scarlett was hard and sexy. Her boyfriend called her Scarlett because she would do things in bed that Patty wouldn't, and her friends called her Scarlett because all the boys were attracted to Scarlett and they got the overflow, but her grandmother still called her PattyCakes which she thought was endearing and touching so she allowed it. Only trouble was, over time, her personality split and sometimes she was sweet Patty again and sometimes she was forceful Scarlett. Her boyfriend now called her crazy and broke up. The first time Grandma encountered Scarlett she demanded to know what she had done with Patty and exhorted "the devil girl inside her" to bring Patty back! There is no happy ending. Scarlett/Patty went on to many more failed relationships, life long self-sabotage and unfulfilment as a human, or two.
 
Moral of the story? If you're having a hard time coping as just one person, why do you think doubling down is a good idea?
 
April 8, 2024
People were boycotting the store with signs and rotating crews of protesters because the prices were too high. The guy who owned the store was a friend of a friend and I asked him why he just didn't lower his prices to alleviate the boycott. He said he was making too much money to go back now. His final words were "screw 'em". And that was why he was the friend of a friend and not my friend.
 
April 9, 2024
I got two estimates for some work we wanted done here. One was reasonable, one wasn't. I asked the one that wasn't why it was so high. He immediately started lying about things he thought I had no knowledge of, but I did. When I called him on his bullshit, he pretended to be offended. So the choice was clear. So is the lesson: You should always get multiple estimates because some people are scumbags. Yeah, I said it.
 
April 10, 2024
This is Sister Alice, the original flying nun. Seems she was clowning around in the laundry room of St. Lucia convent when she put some serviettes on her head and found that by wiggling her ears ferociously, she could fly around the room. Word spread quickly and she soon found herself at the Vatican showing the Pope how to fly. But he was old, his ears were small and slow and anyway, his plans had more to do with arming her with bombs that she could drop on his enemies. To that end, Sister Alice would go on to create multiple flying nun orders where they would teach classes like how to avoid birds, bridges and smokestacks while on your way to wiping out the Pope's enemies.
 
Her napkin head wings and the bombings persisted unchanged for several hundred years until an American nun refined them using computational fluid dynamics.
She hardened the wings so she could fly in the rain without the napkins becoming limp rags and crashing the flying nun to the ground and, of course, her death. Which, by the way, was how Sister Alice, the OG, died. Seems the Pope sent her to England to bomb the Church of England but, well, you know what the English weather is like...
 
The flying nun orders were shut down in the late 1800s when they started being attacked by drones, mostly from the Church of England. And modern Popes have learned that their enemies are within the Vatican not without. Thus ends this dark era in religious warfare.
 
April 11, 2024
Why can't you be happy? What exactly is keeping you from doing that? If you mention that external forces are preventing you from flourishing, I can say that's not true. Not true at all. Because if you WANTED to change, you simply would. I will say, however, that your lack of happiness stems from, is fostered by, and flourishes inside your very own head. Change your attitude, change your life. Not happy? Be happy. Capish?
 

 

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