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KeithSpeak - April 2024


April 1, 2024
He said he was an English professor, however, he also said, "Some people have a way with words, other people not have way." Hmm, an English professor, you say.
April 2, 2024
Dear Keith,
Why are there so many assholes in the world?
Fed up
Dear Fed up,
Everyone is at their own developmental level. So the world is full of hopeless twits and bodhisattvas. You will run into both in this lifetime. How you deal with them will have a direct bearing on your own personal development. Tidy, eh?
April 4, 2024
Overheard a couple on the street.
-- Where do you want to eat?
-- I don't care.
-- You always say that.
-- Because I really don't care.
-- So one place is as good as another?
-- Yeah, I guess.
-- So what, does all food taste the same to you?
-- No, I just don't care what kind it is.
-- Would you eat a snake?
-- Sure.
-- What about a wombat?
-- If I was hungry enough.
-- Carrion?
-- You have to draw the line somewhere.
-- How long have you been like this?
-- Like this?
-- Indifferent to food.
-- Ever since I was a kid and watched an eagle eat a rabbit alive. It was shocking as I realized that you have to eat others so you can continue to live. I wanted to live so I told myself I would eat anything to stay alive and that taste had nothing to do with it.
-- Wow.
-- Yeah. So where do you want to eat?
-- That image. The eagle. The baby rabbit.
-- I didn't say it was a baby.
-- Just the same, I'm not hungry anymore.
-- Wombats. Where did that come from?
April 5, 2024
I will not go quietly.
Just leave, Alonzo.
I will not.
If you don't leave I will do something drastic.
Like what?
You just wait and see.
Wait and see? I thought you wanted me to go.
Oh yeah, you can go.
Next time, when I come back-
Don't ever come back.
Ok, but-
Don't but, just go.
If I go, I'm never coming back.
Didn't I just say to never come back?
I'm going now...
If that's what you want.
For Christ's sake, Alonzo, get the fuck out of here!
No need to get snippy, Peg. All you had to do was ask me to go.
I did! Like a hundred times!
So you're saying it's over?
April 6, 2024
I got asked to do something professionally that I didn't want to do. My life is predicated on doing exactly what I want to do, and this wasn't it. It had nothing to do with the money or the company or the movie itself. It was just something I wasn't interested in doing. By the way, this is how you have a life where you're happy and pleased with the choices you've made - do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do. Capish?
April 7, 2024
She called herself Scarlett because she hated her real name, Patty. Patty was sugar coated sweetness while Scarlett was hard and sexy. Her boyfriend called her Scarlett because she would do things in bed that Patty wouldn't, and her friends called her Scarlett because all the boys were attracted to Scarlett and they got the overflow, but her grandmother still called her PattyCakes which she thought was endearing and touching so she allowed it. Only trouble was, over time, her personality split and sometimes she was sweet Patty again and sometimes she was forceful Scarlett. Her boyfriend now called her crazy and broke up. The first time Grandma encountered Scarlett she demanded to know what she had done with Patty and exhorted "the devil girl inside her" to bring Patty back! There is no happy ending. Scarlett/Patty went on to many more failed relationships, life long self-sabotage and unfulfilment as a human, or two.
Moral of the story? If you're having a hard time coping as just one person, why do you think doubling down is a good idea?
April 8, 2024
People were boycotting the store with signs and rotating crews of protesters because the prices were too high. The guy who owned the store was a friend of a friend and I asked him why he just didn't lower his prices to alleviate the boycott. He said he was making too much money to go back now. His final words were "screw 'em". And that was why he was the friend of a friend and not a friend of mine.
April 9, 2024
I got two estimates for some work we wanted done here. One was reasonable, one wasn't. I asked the one that wasn't why it was so high. He immediately started lying about things he thought I had no knowledge of, but I did. When I called him on his bullshit, he pretended to be offended. So the choice was clear. So is the lesson: You should always get multiple estimates because some people are scumbags. Yeah, I said it.
April 10, 2024
This is Sister Alice, the original flying nun. Seems she was clowning around in the laundry room of St. Lucia convent when she put some serviettes on her head and found that by wiggling her ears ferociously, she could fly around the room. Word spread quickly and she soon found herself at the Vatican showing the Pope how to fly. But he was old, his ears were small and slow and anyway, his plans had more to do with arming her with bombs that she could drop on his enemies. To that end, Sister Alice would go on to create multiple flying nun orders where they would teach classes like how to avoid birds, bridges and smokestacks while on your way to wiping out the Pope's enemies.
Her napkin head wings and the bombings persisted unchanged for several hundred years until an American nun refined them using computational fluid dynamics.
She hardened the wings so she could fly in the rain without the napkins becoming limp rags and crashing the flying nun to the ground and, of course, her death. Which, by the way, was how Sister Alice, the OG, died. Seems the Pope sent her to bomb the Church of England but, well, you know what the English weather is like...
The flying nun orders were shut down in the late 1800s when they started being attacked by drones, mostly from the Church of England. And modern Popes have learned that their enemies are within the Vatican not without. Thus ends this dark era in religious warfare.
April 11, 2024
Why can't you be happy? What exactly is keeping you from doing that? If you mention that external forces are preventing you from flourishing, I can say that's not true. Not true at all. Because if you WANTED to change, you simply would. I will say, however, that your lack of happiness stems from, is fostered by, and flourishes inside your very own head. Change your attitude, change your life. Not happy? Be happy. Capish?
April 13, 2024
You know how some stuff just tires you out? Things like constant interaction with those you don't like, unruly pets, interfering in-laws, obnoxious guests, unwanted intrusions... I have come to the conclusion that this day needs to start over. So even though it's 11 in the morning, I'm going back to bed. Mañana, my pretties.
April 14, 2024
I watched a YouTube video on how to do something but the girl demonstrating it didn't really know the product she was showing. She kept asking someone off camera if this was the right way to do what she was doing. At one point she melted down when she encountered a knob. Should she pull it, turn it or leave it alone?! She froze staring at it. Someone off camera pleaded with her to move. The video was 13 minutes long but I only stayed for 3 excruciating minutes.
Moral of the story? If you don't know what you're doing, why are you doing it in front of the whole world?
April 17, 2024
Overheard two men in a parking lot.
-- How does this thing work?
-- The instructions are on the front of the meter.
-- I don't understand what they want me to do.
-- Just give it your credit card and it will charge you for the time you're parked here.
-- Just give them my card? Just like that? Who is "them"? Who's getting my information and what are they going to do with it? It's a machine, Ronnie! Not a human! Who is this nameless, faceless thing taking my valuable information?! I don't like this one little bit!
-- Jeez, Reg, lighten up.
-- Call me paranoid-
-- You're paranoid.
-- Screw it, let's go, I'm just gonna take my chances.
-- You'd rather get a parking ticket than pay the meter a buck?
-- Why is shit so complicated these days? Used to be that you dropped a few coins in and that was that. Now look at this thing! The instructions are indecipherable.
-- It's not THAT hard, Reg.
-- And now I have to give them my first born AND my credit card AND let them sleep with my wife?
-- You're not married.
-- If I get a ticket I'm going to contest it and tell the judge that they tried to sleep with my wife in exchange for a lousy parking place. Maybe he'll put those parking meter blackmailers in jail or something.
-- Really, Reg?
-- You betcha, Ronnie. My indignation knows no bounds.
-- Sure it does. And it only costs a buck.
April 18, 2024
I watched a street performer awkwardly juggle 3 cats and 3 dogs. It was weird. The cats looked like they wanted to kill him and each time they were put up in the air they tried to right themselves to land on their feet only to be caught by his hand and flung upwards on their back again. The dogs were worse because they looked scared. I wondered how many times he had dropped them practicing the trick. All of us who stopped to watch were distraught for the animals and less than impressed with the klutzy juggle. It didn't take long for people to start saying, Stop it! and Those poor animals! All in all it was pretty horrible. Oh, and by the way, this is a big screw you to that stupid, nonsensical, thoroughly overused bullshit phrase, Expect the unexpected. I'm telling you now, no one ever expects to walk down the street and see distressed animals live juggled. NO ONE!
April 19, 2024
I was watching a concert on TV and the closed captioning was on from a previous program, so the song lyrics were onscreen. Cripes, I couldn't believe how many lines of various songs I had messed up in my head after seeing the real words he was singing. 'Twas a revelation and a small rebuke; closed captioning getting cheeky. The question is, in the shower or the car, do I continue singing the words I thought I heard or learn the real words he intended?
April 20, 2024
Burning question:
Who's dumber, Trump or Bush?
April 21, 2024
I was slowly driving down a residential street looking for a house address when I saw a mother and daughter stealing an Amazon package from someone's porch. The mother ran with the box back to her car but the child tripped on the front walk, fell, and skinned her knee. It started bleeding, she started bawling, her mother, now in the car and more than ready to make her getaway, started honking the horn to get the child moving. Instead, it alerted the occupant of the house who emerged and took in the scene. Panicked, the mother drove off leaving her bleeding daughter behind. Wow. I continued slowly driving down the street mulling over the just witnessed scene.
April 22, 2024
Doing taxes today. Ugh. Ta.
April 24, 2024
Overheard a couple at the tax office.
-- Stan, I'm scared, what if this guy finds us out?
-- Lucy, I'm pretty sure we covered our tracks.
-- Yeah, but what if he's like a super accountant and figures it out?
-- Stop worrying.
-- Would we just have to pay a fine or could we go to jail? Stan?
-- I don't know.
-- What!
-- Shush, Lucy. Keep your voice down.
-- You don't know what could happen if we get found out? Are you kidding me?! Stan!
-- Look Lucy, if we get away with it, we save a shitload of money. You ever want to take a vacation again? This is how we do it.
-- I'm worried, Stan.
-- I'm pretty sure we covered our tracks.
April 25, 2024
I met a 17 year old who started discussing his portfolio. Say what? At that age, how does a 17 year old have enough assets to invest? When I was 17, my portfolio was my Friday paycheck to the next Friday paycheck. Turns out this kid launched a website when he was 15. It caught on with social media and he now makes $20,000 a week from it. He said he could probably make more but he only works 20 hours a week and the rest of the time is his. He said he has a portfolio so that at some point, all of the time will be his. My my, they grow up so fast.
April 26, 2024
Welp, it looks like we may be going on strike. The Writers Guild of Canada solicited the members input and 96.5% of us voted to strike. It's regarding the same issues that our sister guild, the Writers Guild of America, struck over last year - AI, compensation, minimums, and the producers intransigent positions on it. I was a founding member of the WGC and have emeritus status, so I can say with certainty, we have not had a strike in our 33 year existence. Damn, now I'm gonna have to change the sign.
April 27, 2024
TIP: I have heard from several reputable sources that Brussels sprouts are really an alien civilizations' attempt at panspermia. Those bastards! These sprouts are both vile and dangerous and what's worse, by eating them you could be aiding an alien takeover of Earth! Anyway, that's what I heard. Did too.
panspermia [pan-spur-mee-uh]
1.) The theory that life exists and is distributed throughout the universe in the form of germs or spores that develop in the right environment. It's long been thought that Brussels sprouts are the perfect vehicle for this.
See! I told you!
April 28, 2024
Overheard two writers at a conference.
-- I hate that guy. He was an awful director. He had no idea what he wanted. The experience was tortuous. The notes were endless. I must have rewritten that script 20 times. It was a real shitshow.  
-- You're just saying that cause the movie was a flop.
-- Of course it was, he had no idea what he was doing. He had to control every little thing and he got overwhelmed because directing a movie creates 10 million little things. The dude couldn't focus on what was important - the script, actor motivations, the performances - and instead he spent time worrying about the caterer's lunch menu. He was a hack. It was ridiculous. He had no idea what he was doing.
-- If the movie had been a hit, would you work with him again?
-- Of course, I'm not stupid.
April 29, 2024
In post production, the principals were gathered in the editing suite - the editor, writer, famous lead actor and the director. Before them was 3½ hours of raw footage that needed to be shaped and massaged into a feature film. But it was contentious from the start. Each person had a different idea as to how it should be cut. To put it mildly, there was lots of yelling, coercion and name calling. Since it's ultimately the director's decision, he made many marginal ones due to the pressure and relentless defense of his choices. In the end, he botched the edit so badly that the studio took over, recut it, released it, and watched it become a hit. The director, writer and famous lead actor (who were ready to strangle, kill and murder each other in the editing room) were now all chummy chum chums as they laughed like best bros telling goofy inside stories on one another as they chummed their way through the press tour.  
Moral of the story? Because it's collaborative, movies are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
April 30, 2024
My neighbour just bought a new tractor. A few weeks later a new side by side was at his place. Just recently I saw a brand new pickup and 5th wheel trailer that was not there before, and I'm pretty sure he didn't have half as many horses as he now has. I do believe that my neighbour has came into some money. Good on him. A happy neighbour is a good neighbour.

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