Security was tight. To enter the building he had to empty his pockets into a tray. When he was done, there were 12 rocks in the tray. They were nothing a lapidarist would drool over, just ordinary rocks, but there were a lot of them and security was suspicious.
-- Why you got all them rocks?
-- I just like rocks.
-- You wasn't planning on throwing them at someone?
-- What?
-- This is highly suspicious. A pocket full of rocks? Nobody up to any good carries a pocket full of rocks. What you doing with all them rocks?
-- I told you. I like rocks.
-- This is highly suspicious. Them rocks are staying right here. You can pick 'em up on your way out.
-- What about my Swiss Army knife? Can I take that in?
-- You got a knife on you?! Come here, boy. What, you planning on stabbing someone?
-- Yeah, sure, first I was gonna knock them out with my rocks and then I was gonna stab 'em with my utility knife.
-- Are you outta your mind telling me that?!
-- I'm kidding.
-- Well I ain't laughing. Son, you have been denied entrance. Please get out of here.
-- What about my rocks.
-- What about them?
-- Can I get them back?
-- No, they're evidence.
-- Evidence? Of what?
-- Attempted murder. You said you was gonna do it and I have the proof. Stoning and stabbing ain't happenin' on my watch. Now get lost.
-- I'm going to report you.
-- At least ain't no one dead.
May 2, 2024
So this attractive woman comes up to me and says she recognizes me from my website and swears we went to school together. I ask her to elaborate. Sure enough she picks the right city and the right school but something still smells fishy. I feign haziness and ask her for more detail, knowing she could have easily gotten the aforementioned info from La Interwebs. But this is where it started to break down. She knew no details. She didn't know any people. She didn't know what the building looked like. She knew nothing about anything but kept asking a lot of questions about everything. Holy shit, I was being socially engineered! To my face! Why the nerve! So I fed her a ton of erroneous data and called it a day. Some people, you know?
May 3, 2024
I haven't really paid much attention to EVs. Our truck is 20 years old and we haven't been in the market for a new vehicle in decades. And yet, we are still participating in the EV revolution. But how, Keith, how? Well kids, cars and chairs aren't the only things that have been electrified. We live on an acreage and have both a high performance electric snowmobile and a workhorse rugged electric side by side; plug them in the barn overnight, use them all day. Are we not modern?
May 4, 2024
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I'm in spiritual trouble. I messed with the occult and now I have these spooks out for my soul. Like most people dabbling with the occult, it started with a Ouija Board, but quickly progressed to waking nightmares, illusory hallucinations, torment and ghost bullying. I'm scared to go to sleep and freaked out when I'm awake. How do I turn this spiritual fountain of horror off? I'm telling you, if they weren't already dead, I'd kill them all.
Signed
Ghost killer
Dear GK,
How do you kill a ghost? The same way you summoned them. Only in this case you banish them instead of inviting them into your life. What was your intent when you started messing with the occult? Where was your focus and concentration? You must match those levels to get rid of them. The power they hold over you is the power you allow them to have over you. This started with you, it ends with you. The key in all this, is you.
May 6, 2024
Overheard a mother and teenage daughter at an art gallery.
-- What do you think of that one?
-- It's nice. Are we done yet?
-- I like the way he put that little orange cat next to the barn, though I'm not sold on the colours he used. And now that I look closely, his lines aren't as crisp as they probably should be.
-- Why do you have something bad to say about every picture?
-- To get an appreciation for art, Julie, one must be discerning and discriminating.
-- That sounds kinda racist, Mom.
-- Racist?
-- You just said you didn't like the colours.
-- I don't. That cat shouldn't be orange.
-- Maybe the painter has an orange cat and that's what he painted.
-- But it clashes! Anyway, that's not racist.
-- Ok, fine. Are we done?
-- Julie, I brought you here to expand your senses and show you how others see the world. Art is a window on the soul.
-- Great. Can we go?
-- You don't care about any of this, do you?
-- Nope.
-- What would you rather be doing?
-- Texting my friends and catching up on social media.
-- Of course.
-- Can we go now?
-- Why not.
May 7, 2024
The marketing materials, concept and execution were all top notch. Their website was beautiful, well designed and very informative. Everything about the company and their product was fully explained and the following paperwork was very professional. So I got in contact and set up a meeting.
What a disappointment. The owner was a fast talker and a smooth operator. He was the antithesis of the materials, presentation and marketing for his company; I didn't believe a word he was saying. He was a hustler, sure, but someone put this all together and did such a great job that I wanted to deal with that person. Disappointment #2, it was his wife. And they are getting divorced. And she wants half of everything. And he realizes she was the brains behind the company but he is "the driving force to make things happen!" Uh, no thank you. Frankly, if the "brains" are gone, so am I.
May 8, 2024
I was watching a YouTube music video when I saw someone I knew in the background of one shot. I paused the frame and studied the person. It was definitely him. As far as I knew, he was doing a 5-7 year stretch in a max security prison in Illinois and should still be there. And yet here he was now in a music video. Hmm, is this a reflection of a lenient prison system or just the low standards of music video casting agents? Either way, it was nice to see him again.
May 9, 2024
Shane and Margaret are sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune with the sound off.
-- I did it, Ma.
-- Did what, Shane?
-- I plugged it in.
-- Plugged what in?
-- The thing.
-- What thing?
-- You know, the thing.
-- What are you talking about?
-- I'm telling you, Ma, I plugged it in. Shouldn't be long now.
-- What shouldn't be long now?
-- The thing I plugged in! Aren't you listening?
-- What are you talking about, Shane?
-- You told me to warm things up so I plugged it in and it's probably warm by now.
-- What, the iron? The waffle maker?
-- Why are you making me feel...I just did what you wanted and now you're acting all weird!
-- Shane, listen to me, did you take your pills today?
--
-- Shane?
-- No.
-- Maybe that's why you're confused? Now think, Shane, what did you plug in?
-- What you told me!
-- I didn't tell you to plug anything in, honey.
-- You didn't?
-- On your way to take your pills, retrace your steps and when you come to whatever you plugged in, unplug it.
-- Ok, Ma.
-- Go on now.
-- I hate Pat Sajak.
-- I know you do. That's why we watch with no sound.
-- He makes me crazy.
-- I know he does. Now go on, take your pills.
May 10, 2024
The movie was all over the place. It was as if it had multiple directors and none of them cared what the others had done. So the result was a muddled flick that sometimes was interesting and good and lots of times made no sense and was bad. The studio released it anyway because the thing cost 40 million to make and they wanted some of that money back. But a stinker is still a stinker and a flop is a flop so they got bupkis. But just for a second, instead of this turgid trash, could you imagine what else 40 million dollars could have been used for?
On campus, two sharp dudes, one perky gal, happily posing in front of a red hot flashy convertible.
Hubba hubba.
In reality:
-- Back off Larry, she's mine.
-- You back off, Lenny. I saw her first.
-- Now boys, cool it. We're having our picture taken.
-- I'm serious, Larry.
-- Me too, Lenny boy.
-- Will you two stop bickering. I'll do you both.
-- At the same time?
-- Sure, why not.
-- Ew, I don't want to see Lenny's thing!
-- What if you do us one at a time?
-- Sure, whatever. Now smile for the camera.
-- Can we do it in your car, Larry?
-- I'd have to put the top up for some privacy.
-- Cool. You good with that?
-- Sure.
-- Say, what's your name?
-- Lenore.
-- You sure are easy Lenore.
-- I'm just a sucker for a couple of rubes or the camera, makes no difference. 50 bucks for each of you, by the way.
-- I thought you were the campus administrator?
-- I am. But you rich, naive, virginal boys are low hanging fruit and gosh, I just can't help myself. The beginning of every semester...all the newbies...mmm. I consider it a hobby.
-- How did you know we were virgins?
-- Your car, silly - long and bulbous - obvious compensation for some other shortcoming - if you know what I mean and I think you do.
-- Damn, Lenore.
-- Yeah, well, I just wanna say, it's Larry's car, ok?
-- Sure, whatever, who's first?
May 13, 2024
When confronted with the supernatural, just what would you say to yourself about that? Boo, you see a ghost. What do you say? Would you doubt it and convince yourself that you didn't see what you saw? Would you try and rationalize it, find an explanation for it, make it make sense no matter how implausible? Or would you just accept that there are things going on of which you have no clue and this is one of them. Tricky, eh.
May 14, 2024
It was a moving van full of furniture full of cocaine. The police decided to stop it because the back door hadn't fully shut and a chesterfield was falling out. But when the van driver saw the cops behind him, and knew he was driving a truck full of cocaine furniture, he floored it causing the sofa to fall completely out the back and directly in front of the police car. The couch hit the road once, exploded cocaine everywhere and bounced onto the windshield blinding the cop driving and causing him to crash into a guardrail. When the van driver delivered his cargo he had no explanation as to why he was missing one couch and the drugs hidden within it. Yeah, seems there was a second accident that day.
May 15, 2024
A church lady bought a clown car. Not the little itty bitty ones where 400 clowns come pouring out, but a Ford Focus that used to belong to real live circus clown, Mr. Dooty. When she got the car back to the parish, she opened the boot for the first time and discovered that Mr. Dooty was a bit of a perv, what with all the girly magazines and VCR tapes of a sexual nature littering the back. She wondered if all circus clowns were pervs, then decided they must be, hanging out with filthy animals and freaks all day. Satisfied with her snap judgement, she felt self-righteous and godly and went inside to pray for heathen clowns like Mr. Dooty.
May 16, 2024
I watched someone spend money freely. He never looked at the prices, he never compared similar items, he just grabbed what he wanted and tossed it in the cart. When the cart was full, he produced an American Express Black Card for the cashier. The free spender was shocked when the cashier said they only take VISA and Mastercard. He was shocked that they didn't recognize his superior status and shocked he was not given a special exemption due to the prestige of his Black Card. When he said that he didn't carry any other cards because he didn't need any other cards, the cashier said, Would you like to apply for our VISA card? The free spender was apoplectic that he was being treated as a regular person and shouted that he had a Black Card, why would he need their crappy store branded $2,000 limit VISA for god's sake? To pay for what's in that cart, returned the cashier. He had never been treated like this! His money had always protected him. His Black card was his shield. This was a nightmare. If money makes the man, does the inability to pay break the man?
May 17, 2024
I find it almost unbearable to listen to writers pontificate on their method, their work rituals, their steadfast writing rules and their pedantic need to tell others what it's like for them. Gak. To paraphrase what the Dixie Chicks once heard, Just shut up and write. What you write should negate the need to explain it, talk about it and otherwise dissect it for others to understand it. Say what you have to say in what you write. Isn't that the point?
May 18, 2024
Dear Mr. Ryan,
We have read your previous post and have decided to rescind the not yet sent invitation for you to speak at our writers conference. This year it is in Tahiti, so no sandy beaches for you, mister. Clearly you have something against writers even though you are one. Admittedly, that might make a great topic for your speech but you are not going to give that here, because we are uninviting you even though you haven't yet been invited. By the way, we were going to give you a surfboard with your name on it. Not now. Think about that.
Richard