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KeithSpeak - May 2024


May 1, 2024
Security was tight. To enter the building he had to empty his pockets into a tray. When he was done, there were 12 rocks in the tray. They were nothing a lapidarist would drool over, just ordinary rocks, but there were a lot of them and security was suspicious.
-- Why you got all them rocks?
-- I just like rocks.
-- You wasn't planning on throwing them at someone?
-- What?
-- This is highly suspicious. A pocket full of rocks? Nobody up to any good carries a pocket full of rocks. What you doing with all them rocks?
-- I told you. I like rocks.
-- This is highly suspicious. Them rocks are staying right here. You can pick 'em up on your way out.
-- What about my Swiss Army knife? Can I take that in?
-- You got a knife on you?! Come here, boy. What, you planning on stabbing someone?
-- Yeah, sure, first I was gonna knock them out with my rocks and then I was gonna stab 'em with my utility knife.
-- Are you outta your mind telling me that?!
-- I'm kidding.
-- Well I ain't laughing. Son, you have been denied entrance. Please get out of here.
-- What about my rocks.
-- What about them?
-- Can I get them back?
-- No, they're evidence.
-- Evidence? Of what?
-- Attempted murder. You said you was gonna do it and I have the proof. Stoning and stabbing ain't happenin' on my watch. Now get lost.
-- I'm going to report you.
-- At least ain't no one dead.
May 2, 2024
So this attractive woman comes up to me and says she recognizes me from my website and swears we went to school together. I ask her to elaborate. Sure enough she picks the right city and the right school but something still smells fishy. I feign haziness and ask her for more detail, knowing she could have easily gotten the aforementioned info from La Interwebs. But this is where it started to break down. She knew no details. She didn't know any people. She didn't know what the building looked like. She knew nothing about anything but kept asking a lot of questions about everything. Holy shit, I was being socially engineered! To my face! Why the nerve! So I fed her a ton of erroneous data and called it a day. Some people, you know?
May 3, 2024
I haven't really paid much attention to EVs. Our truck is 20 years old and we haven't been in the market for a new vehicle in decades. And yet, we are still participating in the EV revolution. But how, Keith, how? Well kids, cars and chairs aren't the only things that have been electrified. We live on an acreage and have both a high performance electric snowmobile and a workhorse rugged electric side by side; plug them in the barn overnight, use them all day. Are we not modern?
May 4, 2024
Dear Keith,
I'm in spiritual trouble. I messed with the occult and now I have these spooks out for my soul. Like most people dabbling with the occult, it started with a Ouija Board, but quickly progressed to waking nightmares, illusory hallucinations, torment and ghost bullying. I'm scared to go to sleep and freaked out when I'm awake. How do I turn this spiritual fountain of horror off? I'm telling you, if they weren't already dead, I'd kill them all.
Ghost killer
Dear GK,
How do you kill a ghost? The same way you summoned them. Only in this case you banish them instead of inviting them into your life. What was your intent when you started messing with the occult? Where was your focus and concentration? You must match those levels to get rid of them. The power they hold over you is the power you allow them to have over you. This started with you, it ends with you. The key in all this, is you.
May 6, 2024
Overheard a mother and teenage daughter at an art gallery.
-- What do you think of that one?
-- It's nice. Are we done yet?
-- I like the way he put that little orange cat next to the barn, though I'm not sold on the colours he used. And now that I look closely, his lines aren't as crisp as they probably should be.
-- Why do you have something bad to say about every picture?
-- To get an appreciation for art, Julie, one must be discerning and discriminating.
-- That sounds kinda racist, Mom.
-- Racist?
-- You just said you didn't like the colours.
-- I don't. That cat shouldn't be orange.
-- Maybe the painter has an orange cat and that's what he painted.
-- But it clashes! Anyway, that's not racist.
-- Ok, fine. Are we done?
-- Julie, I brought you here to expand your senses and show you how others see the world. Art is a window on the soul. 
-- Great. Can we go?
-- You don't care about any of this, do you?
-- Nope.
-- What would you rather be doing?
-- Texting my friends and catching up on social media.
-- Of course.
-- Can we go now?
-- Why not.
May 7, 2024
The marketing materials, concept and execution were all top notch. Their website was beautiful, well designed and very informative. Everything about the company and their product was fully explained and the following paperwork was very professional. So I got in contact and set up a meeting.
What a disappointment. The owner was a fast talker and a smooth operator. He was the antithesis of the materials, presentation and marketing for his company; I didn't believe a word he was saying. He was a hustler, sure, but someone put this all together and did such a great job that I wanted to deal with that person. Disappointment #2, it was his wife. And they are getting divorced. And she wants half of everything. And he realizes she was the brains behind the company but he is "the driving force to make things happen!" Uh, no thank you. Frankly, if the "brains" are gone, so am I.
May 8, 2024
I was watching a YouTube music video when I saw someone I knew in the background of one shot. I paused the frame and studied the person. It was definitely him. As far as I knew, he was doing a 5-7 year stretch in a max security prison in Illinois and should still be there. And yet here he was now in a music video. Hmm, is this a reflection of a lenient prison system or just the low standards of music video casting agents? Either way, it was nice to see him again.
May 9, 2024
Shane and Margaret are sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune with the sound off.
-- I did it, Ma.
-- Did what, Shane?
-- I plugged it in.
-- Plugged what in?
-- The thing.
-- What thing?
-- You know, the thing.
-- What are you talking about?
-- I'm telling you, Ma, I plugged it in. Shouldn't be long now.
-- What shouldn't be long now?
-- The thing I plugged in! Aren't you listening?
-- What are you talking about, Shane?
-- You told me to warm things up so I plugged it in and it's probably warm by now.
-- What, the iron? The waffle maker?
-- Why are you making me feel...I just did what you wanted and now you're acting all weird!
-- Shane, listen to me, did you take your pills today?
-- Shane?
-- No.
-- Maybe that's why you're confused? Now think, Shane, what did you plug in?
-- What you told me!
-- I didn't tell you to plug anything in, honey.
-- You didn't?
-- On your way to take your pills, retrace your steps and when you come to whatever you plugged in, unplug it.
-- Ok, Ma.
-- Go on now.
-- I hate Pat Sajak.
-- I know you do. That's why we watch with no sound.
-- He makes me crazy.
-- I know he does. Now go on, take your pills.
May 10, 2024
The movie was all over the place. It was as if it had multiple directors and none of them cared what the others had done. So the result was a muddled flick that sometimes was interesting and good and lots of times made no sense and was bad. The studio released it anyway because the thing cost 40 million to make and they wanted some of that money back. But a stinker is still a stinker and a flop is a flop so they got bupkis. But just for a second, instead of this turgid trash, could you imagine what else 40 million dollars could have been used for?
May 12, 2024
Outward appearances:
On campus, two sharp dudes, one perky gal, happily posing in front of a red hot flashy convertible.
Hubba hubba.
In reality:
-- Back off Larry, she's mine.
-- You back off, Lenny. I saw her first.
-- Now boys, cool it. We're having our picture taken.
-- I'm serious, Larry.
-- Me too, Lenny boy.
-- Will you two stop bickering. I'll do you both.
-- At the same time?
-- Sure, why not.
-- Ew, I don't want to see Lenny's thing!
-- What if you do us one at a time?
-- Sure, whatever. Now smile for the camera.
-- Can we do it in your car, Larry?
-- I'd have to put the top up for some privacy.
-- Cool. You good with that?
-- Sure.
-- Say, what's your name?
-- Lenore.
-- You sure are easy Lenore.
-- I'm just a sucker for a couple of rubes or the camera, makes no difference. 50 bucks for each of you, by the way.
-- I thought you were the campus administrator?
-- I am. But you rich, naive, virginal boys are low hanging fruit and gosh, I just can't help myself. The beginning of every semester...all the newbies...mmm. I consider it a hobby.
-- How did you know we were virgins?
-- Your car, silly - long and bulbous - obvious compensation for some other shortcoming - if you know what I mean and I think you do.
-- Damn, Lenore.
-- Yeah, well, I just wanna say, it's Larry's car, ok?
-- Sure, whatever, who's first?
May 13, 2024
When confronted with the supernatural, just what would you say to yourself about that? Boo, you see a ghost. What do you say? Would you doubt it and convince yourself that you didn't see what you saw? Would you try and rationalize it, find an explanation for it, make it make sense no matter how implausible? Or would you just accept that there are things going on of which you have no clue and this is one of them. Tricky, eh.
May 14, 2024
It was a moving van full of furniture full of cocaine. The police decided to stop it because the back door hadn't fully shut and a chesterfield was falling out. But when the van driver saw the cops behind him, and knew he was driving a truck full of cocaine furniture, he floored it causing the sofa to fall completely out the back and directly in front of the police car. The couch hit the road once, exploded cocaine everywhere and bounced onto the windshield blinding the cop driving and causing him to crash into a guardrail. When the van driver delivered his cargo he had no explanation as to why he was missing one couch and the drugs hidden within it. Yeah, seems there was a second accident that day.
May 15, 2024
A church lady bought a clown car. Not the little itty bitty ones where 400 clowns come pouring out, but a Ford Focus that used to belong to real live circus clown, Mr. Dooty. When she got the car back to the parish, she opened the boot for the first time and discovered that Mr. Dooty was a bit of a perv, what with all the girly magazines and VCR tapes of a sexual nature littering the back. She wondered if all circus clowns were pervs, then decided they must be, hanging out with filthy animals and freaks all day. Satisfied with her snap judgement, she felt self-righteous and godly and went inside to pray for heathen clowns like Mr. Dooty.
May 16, 2024
I watched someone spend money freely. He never looked at the prices, he never compared similar items, he just grabbed what he wanted and tossed it in the cart. When the cart was full, he produced an American Express Black Card for the cashier. The free spender was shocked when the cashier said they only take VISA and Mastercard. He was shocked that they didn't recognize his superior status and shocked he was not given a special exemption due to the prestige of his Black Card. When he said that he didn't carry any other cards because he didn't need any other cards, the cashier said, Would you like to apply for our VISA card? The free spender was apoplectic that he was being treated as a regular person and shouted that he had a Black Card, why would he need their crappy store branded $2,000 limit VISA for god's sake? To pay for what's in that cart, returned the cashier. He had never been treated like this! His money had always protected him. His Black Card was his shield. This was a nightmare. If money makes the man, does the inability to pay break the man?
May 17, 2024
I find it almost unbearable to listen to writers pontificate on their method, their work rituals, their steadfast writing rules and their pedantic need to tell others what it's like for them. Gak. To paraphrase what the Dixie Chicks once heard, Just shut up and write. What you write should negate the need to explain it, talk about it and otherwise dissect it for others to understand it. Say what you have to say in what you write. Isn't that the point?
May 18, 2024
Dear Mr. Ryan,
We have read your previous post and have decided to rescind the not yet sent invitation for you to speak at our writers conference. This year it is in Tahiti, so no sandy beaches for you, mister. Clearly you have something against writers even though you are one. Admittedly, that might make a great topic for your speech but you are not going to give that here, because we are uninviting you even though you haven't yet been invited. By the way, we were going to give you a surfboard with your name on it. Not now. Think about that.
Mervin Melvin
Writer-palooza Coordinator
Dear MM,
No surfboard? Drat!
May 19, 2024
I'm going to tell you my next movie pitch. I want to do a dark comedy in Canada featuring a cast of only Canadian talent. That's right, I want Keanu Reeves, Ryan Reynolds, Jim Carrey, Ryan Gosling, Rachael McAdams, Seth Rogan, Pamela Anderson, Elliot Page and possibly Michael Cera as Ed Grimley. We'll have either James Cameron, David Cronenberg or Atom Egoyan direct (that's 3 completely different films right there!). We'll shoot it right here at my house so I don't have to go anywhere. If need be, I could make the cast breakfast or something. Since we're all Canadian, we would of course, have our inside jokes that will make us laugh and laugh and bond like glue. Will too. Then, after breakfast, we make a movie. Pretty simple, really.
May 20, 2024
She became Internet famous for a week. In the ensuing whirlwind she made $120,000 and quickly fell into the trap of thinking it would last. But like all things Internet, it came and it went; a quick blip on the radar, some good money for a week and then it was over. She was left dazed and confused and wondering, Is that it?
May 21, 2024
He thought it would be cute to slip the engagement ring into her bag of popcorn at the movies. But she ordered a double helping of butter, so the ring was now gooey. Plus, it was the heaviest thing in the bag so it sunk to the bottom and stuck itself to the unpopped kernels. As the movie played, she kept digging into the bag but never brought up the ring. When she got to the bottom, she crushed the bag, dropped it on the floor and kicked it under some seats.
Because she never said anything, he was concerned that the ring was still in the bag. So he dropped to his hands and knees and went crawling around the disgusting, dark, sticky theater floor looking for the discarded popcorn bag. He was disturbing people and embarrassing her, but he kept on. He found candy wrappers, chewed gum, candy boxes, used drink cups and at one point, a popcorn bag. But there was no ring in it. Was that the right bag? Did she swallow the ring without knowing it? Now what?
May 22, 2024
The meter reader came by this morning. I watched as he parked and walked around to the rear of the house where the meter is. But suddenly he came running back to his car, quickly turned it around and screamed away. Well that was odd. Moments later a bear came walking down the same path that leads to the back of our house. Ah, now I get it.
May 23, 2024
A motley crew had been paving a neighbour's driveway when lunch time arrived. One of them left, picked up fast food for everybody and brought it back. The crew ate, threw the trash bags, food wrappers, drink cups and napkins on the ground and in the street, finished the job and left the litter. When the owner of the house saw the garbage he called the company to come pick up their trash. He was rebuffed in a curt and nasty manner. When he found out there is a $2,000 fine for littering in British Columbia, he couldn't dial the police fast enough. But they didn't care. So he picked up all the garbage, drove over to the paving company offices and emptied it onto their front steps. He knocked on the door, told them who he was and why he just did what he did. Then he waited for a response. There was none. And that was that.
May 24, 2024
The farmer across the road bought a used British JCB tractor but when it came time to work on it, he discovered it's metric. He only had imperial SAE tools. He came over to ask if I had any metric Allen wrenches as he couldn't even get the engine cover off to troubleshoot his issues. I gave him metric hex keys, two metric socket sets and wrenches. The weird thing is I never lend tools to anybody. Most men don't. But he didn't have the money to buy new ones, he had a need and mine were just sitting here, so I did it. But I don't like it. I won't feel settled until I get them back again. Question: Is this tool ownership jones just a man thing? Any female mechanics want to chime in? Do you gals loan tools?
May 26, 2024
Overheard two children.
-- Do you have any money?
-- No.
-- If we had money we could buy stuff.
-- But we don't.
-- Yeah.
May 27, 2024
His new son was named Benny. The first thing people would ask is, That short for Benjamin? And he would say, No. Benedict? No. Benito? No. Was he named after a relative? No. Then they would start guessing. Benny Hill? Benihana? Jack Benny? No, no and no. Finally they'd say something like, I'm sorry, but Benny? Why on god's green earth did you name your kid, Benny? He would tell them how his wife wanted to name the boy, Barney. Barney! Can you imagine?! Now that's a stupid name. Anyway, Benny was the closest thing she would accept. Oh, they would say. Then he would wonder whether Benny really was a terrible name and was it too late to change it. But then he would recall that his wife's second choice was Maurice. Barney or Maurice. Now he remembered why Benny didn't seem so bad.
May 28, 2024
When it was completely covered in a forest of trees the property was worth X. But in the Spring, when all the birds and animals were nesting and vulnerable, a developer came in and clear cut every tree to open up the lake view. When the illegal act was finally reported, he was fined mid-5 figures for the destruction and loss of habitat. But he didn't care as the value of the property was now 3X because of the huge unobstructed view. Frankly, his "fine" should have been that the city impounds the property and he is no longer the owner. What?
May 29, 2024
Somebody asked me what I wanted for Father's Day. I told them I wasn't a father. They asked why. Goodness me.
Do you tell them it's none of their business?
Do you tell them you're impotent?
Do you tell them your wife can't conceive?
Do you tell them that with your luck you'd have quints and who wants quints?
Do you tell them there are already too many people in the world?
Do you tell them that you have other plans for your life that don't include children?
Do you tell them that you have other ways to spend your money, time and resources?
Do you tell them that you just don't like kids. Never did.
May 30, 2024
She moved from Hobart, Tasmania to Mississippi for a job. The culture shock was real. In no time at all, she hated the south and the way she was treated. After further indignities concerning her accent, skin color and indigenous heritage, she asked herself why she was putting up with this hate when it was something she never would have stood for back home.  It was explained to her by a farmer at a gas station.
-- You have picked a time in America when the currency for hate has never been stronger. You come in as an immigrant, a black immigrant from a country nobody has ever heard of. That is scary to those who have wrapped themselves up in fearful conservative rhetoric. Without provocation or cause, they resent you. Why? They think you are taking something from them, from other Americans. You, my dear, are a beacon, but not a shining one, a warning, a harbinger. It's not your fault. You just came at a time when the fairy tale fractured. 
It helped but it didn't make things any better. She quit her job, moved to New York City and got lost in the crowd.
May 31, 2024
He sat at the Captain's Table on a cruise to the Balkans. It turned out to be the highlight of an unremarkable life. Who are we to judge?

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