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KeithSpeak - April 2017


April 1, 2017
Overheard two older ladies at the grocery.
-- I love shopping!
-- I like shopping for certain things - clothes and furniture come to mind. But I don't really like grocery shopping.
-- Why is it any different?
-- It's not fun. It's rarely rewarding because you keep coming back week after week to buy the same things over and over. The thrill is gone.
-- Not for me! I just love spending money. Come on, let's enjoy this. Let's buy stuff we've never bought before. Let's get crazy!
-- Well, I've always wanted to try tongue.
-- Ew, but that's the spirit!
April 2, 2017
Does this all ever seem like a dream to you? Do you ever find yourself wondering who is behind the voice in your head? Do you find life to be an exquisitely choreographed nonsensical adventure into the surreal? No? Then it's just me?
April 3, 2017
We've had a snowshoe hare living around our place all winter. This morning, I found it up on our roof! How does a rabbit get on the roof of our house? And how was it supposed to get down? I got an extension ladder and climbed up to retrieve the bunny. When I got close, I could see it had multiple bloody punctures on its back and side. An eagle or osprey must have snatched it, found the hare too heavy or unwieldy or something and dropped it on the roof. It didn't move as I picked it up, climbed back down and put it on the ground. It hopped to a nearby bush and has been sitting under there for the last couple of hours. I imagine the little fellow has some processing to do.
April 5, 2017
After two years of marriage this guy decided that his wife was just too hot for him. He wasn't famous or rich and she wasn't dumb, so how come an average guy like himself was able to snare such a beautiful woman? Self-doubt ate away at him. He was fatigued by her beauty and the need to fend off the guys who were attracted to his wife like flies to honey. He could no longer listen to their snorts of derision and disbelief when they found out she was married to him? Plainly, she was just too hot. He asked for a divorce. She granted it. He is now alone. All better?
April 6, 2017
In the course of one day all of the following animals have come and gone from the bird and suet feeder outside my office window: 5 different species of songbirds (finches, towhees, juncos, chickadees and nuthatches), 4 species of woodpeckers (pileated, downy, hairy and flicker), 2 different upland game birds (ring-necked pheasants and California quail), our resident snowshoe hare, various deer, voles, a feral cat hoping to catch a bird, and a hawk hoping to catch a bird or a small feral cat. That's all in one day. Multiply that by 6 months. It makes me feel warm knowing I'm helping so many animals survive a Canadian winter.
April 7, 2017
She was a killer. Literally. She had murdered her first husband and was now on trial for murdering her second. She grew madder and madder at the prosecution's characterization of her as a cold blooded, heartless killer. Why, she was nothing more than a sweet woman with, ok, perhaps a mild temper problem. But now she was ready to murder everyone in the courtroom, especially the prosecutor, who dared say such awful things about her, and the judge who repeatedly agreed with him, and the media in the gallery who were writing such terrible lies about her. She scanned the place. People were gonna die, she just wasn't sure who was first.
April 8, 2017
For years I've been asking everyone to wake up. So why are so many still asleep? Why are so many trudging through their lives like it's a sentence rather than a revelation. Come on people, snap out of it.
April 10, 2017
A government agency owed me money. They never paid. I got in touch and they said they would issue a check. They never did. I called again. Where's the money you owe me? Soon, they said. When a check finally did arrive, it was for exactly 1 dollar, hardly what they owed. Was I to see this as an insult or incompetence? Either way, here I am, dialing the skeevy bastards again...
April 11, 2017
Overheard a family at the gas station.
-- Margaret, how far to Banff?
-- About 4 hours.
-- Mommy, I don't want to go to Bants.
-- It's Banff, honey, not Bants.
-- I don't care, I don't want to go!
-- Well we're going, Charlie, so you better get used to it.
-- Daddy, I hate Bants!
-- Charlie, you've never been there before.
-- I hate it anyway! I want to go home!
-- Forget it, Charlie.
-- No! I hate you both!
-- Do you hate us more or less than you hate Banff?
-- More! Way more!
-- Hey Charlie, want to stop at McDonald's and get something to eat so maybe you won't be so cranky anymore?
-- I hate you! McDonald's? Ok.
April 12, 2017
You've just awakened to the smell of fresh brewed coffee.
You stretch, throw on a robe and step out onto the deck with a hot mug in your hands.
In a snapshot of its breadth and beauty, planet Earth says good morning.
April 13, 2017
Once again, I'm eating chocolate for breakfast and I feel fine. Better than fine. Clearly the nutritionists have it dead wrong. I should write a letter.
April 14, 2017
Our rec hockey team lost 9-1. It was kinda my fault partially a bit just a little maybe. I play defense. I personally let the same guy score on me twice. The third time he tried it I mashed him good into the glass and got a 2 minute roughing call and an immediate fight from one of his teammates. We both got 5 minute majors for that. During my 7 minute absence from the ice, his team scored four more times. So in reality I kinda gave up 6 goals. But I had nothing to do with the other 3. I swear.
April 15, 2017
I kept hearing this buzzing sound and couldn't figure out where it was coming from until I looked out the window and saw a huge drone hovering in our yard. WTF? When I got outside, the drone had moved up over our field, so I went up there to see what was going on. Two guys were sitting in lawn chairs, cooler of beer at their feet and the drone weaving back and forth through the open skies above them.
Me: Um, you guys clearly know this is private property because you had to climb a fence to get in here. So what are you doing?
Them: We're flying, man!
Me: Yeah, I can see that. Why didn't you come and ask permission?
Them: You don't own the sky, man. No permission needed to fly in God's green air. Get off our back.
Me: Ok boys, pack it up. I'm asking you to leave.
Them: We'll go when we're ready.
I knocked the controller out of the guy's hand and smashed it on the ground with my boot. The drone dropped out of the sky. What happened next was vivid, violent, destructive and willful. When it was over, it was truly over. There were no winners, no losers, just the bloody consequences of unintended actions.
April 17, 2017
Even though it had been a grueling flight for sexy Captain Vivian DeClerk, she was still all business as she wheeled the 737 into its parking space and worked through the shut down checklist with her dreamy First Officer Manny "Choo Choo" Sanchez, and when finished, looked into his soft Mexican eyes and said in a husky come hither decidedly non-business voice that she was in need of a good spanking, wink wink, nudge nudge, which brought a tear to Manny's eyes as he has always wanted to do that, but it turns out, so had others, like metrosexual Steward Michael "Gin Gin" Baker who overheard, popped his head into the cockpit and said in an excited voice, Amen to that Captain Vivian!, making googly eyes toward both the pilot and co-pilot while demurely running his tongue across his lips like he was finishing a Slurpee, disgusting both Captain Vivian and Choo Choo but also kind of turning them on.
April 18, 2017
Doesn't this guy resemble the kid in that movie who shoved his junk into that hot pie? He might as well have been him because in 1950 he was making fake emergency calls on the ham radio and laughing at the distress of others as they thought he was in dire straits.
In 1960, he moved to the telephone, making prank calls to drug stores asking if they had Prince Albert in a can.
In 1970, he started phone phreaking.
In 1980 it was anonymous heavy breather calls to random women.
In 1990 it was anonymous heavy breather e-mails to random women.  
In 2000, mostly because of all the rejections in the 80s and 90s, he started spamming and phishing.
2010 opened with heavy trolling, light hacking, and a 4chan presence.
Today, he is still operating out of his parent's basement. No word on whether he ever tried the pie thing.
April 19, 2017
Little Johnny fell into a well. On day 1 he screamed loudly and cried his heart out over the lack of response. On day 2 he kept imagining heaping plates of food and a ladder to climb out on. Day 3 brought hallucinogenic experiences. Day 4 was more of the same only his visions were now sprinkled with age old wisdom and a bodhisattvas' understanding of the cosmic. By the time he was rescued, Johnny was a prophet. Buddha had his cave. Johnny had his well. The difference? Johnny opened a YouTube channel and made a bloody fortune.
April 20, 2017
Life is an illusion. Everything we see as permanent and material is really a light speed writhing mass of electrons and quarks whose ephemeral motion is the definition of controlled chaos. But we plod along seeing everything material as solid and lasting. Pure delusion. Nothing is permanent, everything is made up moment to moment and nothing is as it seems. Is too.
April 21, 2017
For decades I have been using a legacy screenwriting program that no longer exists. The problem with that is it's impossible to incorporate rewrites from others using today's industry standard screenwriting software because the two are incompatible. The answer is obvious, I should just get the program everybody uses. But I don't wanna. Call me a rebel, call me what you will.
April 24, 2017
I pulled into a parking space right next to a guy just exiting his car. I said, Hi, and he said, Hi, and then he looked over my shoulder and goes, Woah! I turn to look and see an otherworldly red LaFerrari parking a few spaces away. The gull wing doors open and out step two of the most fresh punk bros you've ever seen, literally, 17 year old rich white boys dressed in designer "street" garb driving Daddy's 3.5 million dollar supercar. The guy next to me sneers and says, That, my friend, is automatic hate. Au-to-matic.
April 25, 2017
Who here thinks that gobs of money is the path to enlightenment? Because if that were true, the schmuck running America would be a freaking guru instead of the incompetent 5th grader he actually is. Money in and of itself is one thing, but massive accumulation of money is no different from a hoarder saving plastic bags - each thinks the object of their collection is invaluable.
April 27, 2017
39 years ago The Who asked, Who are you? I finally decided to answer.  
My favorite colour is grey.
My favorite dog is the Alaskan malamute.
I have a Masters degree in Biology.
I have discovered what I like, what I do best and what is most important to me.
My television viewing habits tend toward the industrial.
I'm a recreational athlete who plays softball, hockey and golf.
I'm a big fan of the Earth and the animals on it.
My pet peeves tend toward intolerance of fools and incompetent service.  
I like machinery - motorcycles, tractor trailers, heavy equipment, industrial workshops, etc.
My food eating tastes tend toward the pedestrian and banal.
I can bench press my body weight 10 times.
I wear work clothes and work boots daily, do not own a suit and have never worn a watch.
I married a truly great girl.
We live in an amazing place.
I honestly have a great life.
Is this all that I am? Of course not. I also like pie.
April 28, 2017
Overheard a mother and son at the cafe.
-- So how's work?
-- It's ok.
-- Are you still seeing Glenda?
-- No, we broke up because she wants to backpack around Europe this summer and I want to stay here and help Dad rebuild the engine and transmission on the Corvette.
-- That car... Driving it made your father feel like his penis was twice the size.
-- Easy Mom, it'll be mine someday.
-- Don't worry honey, by then, people will see it as a token of your love for nostalgia and preservation of the past as opposed to the phallic symbol it's always been for your father.
-- Oh good.
-- So how is he doing?
-- Ok, I guess. He's got a new girlfriend.
-- That's nice. I hope she can put up with his bullshit better than I could.
-- Her name is Sheri. She has huge fake boobs. I think that's why Dad likes her. You seeing anybody?
-- No.
-- Do you think you'll ever get married again?
-- No. Once was enough for me. I got you out of the deal so that made living with your father worth it. But he's a miserable son of a bitch and I don't want to risk marrying another one.
-- I'm sorry it didn't work out between you two.
-- That's life, Mark. By the time you're done with it you will have lived through it all, no matter what it was, no matter how bad it was, until something so monumental finally kills you and releases you from this hell.
-- That sounds pretty awful.
-- It is. Life is pretty awful.
April 30, 2017
As of today, 2017 is officially ¼ over. If things have gone badly thus far, can you still redeem yourself with ¾ of the year still to go? No? Ah, that's too bad.

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