KeithSpeak - May 2017

 

 
 
 
May 1, 2017
Went to a pot luck soiree with the emphasis on the pot. Someone brought marijuana cookies but didn't tell the group. Watching some of the fuddy-duddy types get high was something special. At the end of the night the woman who brought the cookies told the group what she had done. The fuddy-duddies were incensed, even though they had had a wonderful, fun filled evening. Positive experience with something seen as detrimental or offensive can often lead to a breakthrough in understanding about why they were so afraid of the thing in the first place, but none of that happened with the fuddy-duddies. They just freaked out.
 
May 3, 2017
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I have to see that commercial one more time, you know, the one where the idiot housewife says to the smarmy salesman, "But I'm just a dumb housewife, how would I know how to operate a fancy vacuum cleaner?" and he says, "Lady, this machine is so simple a monkey could do it," and she says, "Really, a monkey?" and he says, "This vac'll clean your house in record time so you'll have plenty of time later to have uninhibited, no holds barred sex with your husband - and all because of the time you saved vacuuming." (She gasps at the thought.) "Don't thank me now, thank me after that first orgasm." (He winks. She titters like a teenager.) "Only $899, cash, check or credit card." (She hurries to get her check book.) "And ma'am, should your husband be unable to perform, here is my personal number. Don't hesitate to call. If a woman answers, hang up."
Sigh.
 
May 4, 2017
If you have to rid your house of a mouse or other small animal, please use a Hav-a-hart live trap and relocate it to some more suitable place. There is no need to poison or kill animals. There just isn't.
 
May 5, 2017
No one could tell if Lannie was sleeping or dead. She was all dolled up so the assumption was a nap before some big do, but others noticed that her eyes weren't fluttering, her nostrils weren't flaring and indeed it seemed little to no breath was being inhaled or exhaled. So it was initially concluded that she was dead, and some started mourning right away, but then someone else said, "Wait!, her colour is excellent - and that flower hasn't wilted! Either she has just died or... she's still alive!" Some agreed, some didn't. A lack of rigor mortis was mentioned. Another suggested the flower could be silk. Yet another onlooker wanted someone else to touch her to see if she was cold, but no one wanted to face a possible sexual harassment charge should she wake up and it be determined that she was inappropriately fondled while unconscious, as opposed to her never waking up and still being dead. As a matter of fact, it's now 9:45 and they are still unsure of Lannie's status.
 
May 8, 2017
Overheard two men at a coffee shop.
-- I'm quitting work on Friday.
-- What?!
-- Yup. I'm gonna find something else to do.
-- You won't find a job that pays half of what you're making at the mill.
-- I just want to be happy. Life is too short.
-- Life is too short?! Are you nuts! Life is a long, drawn out slog and all of us end up working jobs we hate. That's life.
-- Well I think there has to be something more.
-- Like what?
-- I don't know.
-- So you think you're better than the rest of us?
-- I don't know.
-- Hell, you probably are, you're quitting your job.
 
May 10, 2017
Phone is out. Internet is out. It feels just like 1880.
 
May 11, 2017
Last year I had a friend who made a foolish bet with his wife. If he lost, he would have to wear shorts every day of the entire year. If he won, well, it doesn't matter because he lost. I saw him in December wearing shorts during a fantastic cold snap where the temp hit -30C. He tried to laugh it off but you could tell he was miserable as his legs were blue and everybody who saw him snickered at the idiot wearing shorts in the middle of winter. Saw him again in February, and though he seemed the worse for wear, he was still sporting shorts on a snowy, blustery day. The bet was to end May 13th, and with two days left, he said he was feeling pretty darned good about his accomplishment until his wife said, Double or nothing?
 
May 12, 2017
The class was asked what they would do if they knew they only had a week to live.
 
One said he would try heroin.
 
One said he would proposition every girl he met with his one week to live story, tell them he was a virgin and see if he couldn't get laid multiple times.
 
One said she was going to spend the week with her cat and mother just hanging out at home like they always do.
 
One said he was going to buy a gun and kill someone he hated just to see what it felt like.
 
One said she was going to max out her credit cards buying gifts for everyone she knew and then withdraw all her money from the bank to throw a gigantic week long going away party.
 
One snorted loudly and said that a week wasn't long enough to do all the stuff he wanted to do so screw the professor and his paltry week.
 
One said that he would get his affairs in order and find a way to make his death as easy as possible on the remaining friends and family left behind.
 
One said that he would masturbate in public.
 
Another said that she would get a first class seat on a private jet to a beautiful beach in Bora Bora and die on the sand with a drink in her hand and a smile on her face.
 
One asked the professor what he would do with one week to live.
 
"I would do the same as I'm doing. If your life is good, and you are happy with who you are, then without even realizing it, you're living every day as if it was your last, so one more week is just another week of a great life."
 
May 13, 2017
Got chastised by a reader because I wouldn't go and present at his symposium. I refused mostly because he didn't speak English, the symposium was to be held at his mother's house 7,000 km away, there was no speaking fee, no stipend for airfare or lodging other than the fact that his mother could put me up but I'd have to share a bed with her brother and uncle, and last but not least, the subject of the symposium was 'How To Make Plate Tectonics Sexy', which is not exactly a specialty of mine, although I do have a few things to say on the subject.
 
May 14, 2017
I thought I might create a fake reality series that is entirely scripted. I'm talking about a show where the actors are so good at saying their lines and acting their parts that you'd swear they are real people who just happen to be saying witty, well written stuff. Is it real? Is it fake? I know! But first I'm going to have a beer and watch baseball.
 
May 15, 2017
A senator gets pulled over for a DUI. He blusters and plays the don't-you-know-who-I-am card. He refuses to walk a straight line, touch his nose or take a Breathalyzer. He claims political immunity, states that he's in with all the high mucky mucks and threatens to have the cop kicked off the force. When none of that is effective, he takes a swing at the police officer and feebly connects. The cop proceeds to beat the shit out of the senator. As the policeman walks toward his cruiser to radio in the arrest, the drunken politician, grovelling and bleeding in the street, does a perfect imitation of the Black Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail  yelling, "Running away, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to ya!" Looking back at the compromised politician the cop feels nothing but disgust for the sorry mess representing his country.
 
May 17, 2017
Even though the Devil's not real, do you really want to taunt him?
 
May 19, 2017
You want to know why it's so hard for aliens to infiltrate human society? Unwritten rules. That's right. You'll find them in sports, business, politics - unwritten rules dictating ways you are supposed to act, be or do. Well that's baffling to the aliens. And these unwritten rules, are they there to uphold tradition, reinforce hierarchies or are they just artifacts of previous rule makers who were too lazy to write shit down? These are the kinds of questions the aliens are asking. Why are we not answering them? Why?
 
May 21, 2017
She wasn't wearing headphones, ear buds or a bluetooth device, yet she was dancing like no one was watching. Had this been her bedroom, a club, or even a slumber party, it would have gone unnoticed, but the fact that she was grooving out in aisle 5 of a busy grocery store was cause for concern. While she was gyrating and pulsing in front of the soups, noodles and spaghetti sauces, the store loudspeaker cackled to life: Free spirit in aisle 5. I repeat, free spirit in aisle 5.
 
May 22, 2017
The fingernail clipper was invented in 1875. Prior to that, every human in history bit their nails. Do you understand? From the very first human all the way to 1875 - they all bit their nails! The anthropologists never talk about it, no, the painters and sculptors never depict it, uh-uh, and the historians have ignored it like the plague. The academics, the artists, the scholars, they have all tried to hide this from us, but I am here to tell the truth: we are a species of nail biters. Are too.
 
May 25, 2017
We lost power two days ago. Ferocious wind storms brought down trees and power lines. But we're back now. Unfortunately, I have nothing more to say.
 
May 26, 2017
I saw a young girl out walking her cat. The cat was wearing a little harness with a leash attached and the two of them were just walking side by side down the street together like it was nothing. Have you ever tried to walk a cat on a leash? If so, then you know how absolutely extraordinary this was.
 
May 27, 2017
See America, this is what happens when you give a little bit of attention to a chump with an unchecked ego, a fool with delusions of grandeur, a rampant, pompous narcissist who has no idea he is the idiot we all see, and you get a loser the magnitude of the current 5th grader currently running America. Uh, why would you do that?
 
May 29, 2017
Her father and grandfather were both mechanics. She grew up around tools and garages and broken automobiles. By the time she was 24, she was a certified master mechanic. She opened her own repair shop and made it a success. She married a shoe salesman, had twin girls and was determined to have her children take over the garage one day. But the twins were more interested in fashion and social media and definitely not getting greasy. Realizing she wasn't connecting with her daughters, she closed the garage and opened a dress shop. Even though she gave up her passion to please her family, the dress store failed as the twins loved fashion, but had no fashion sense, or an impetus to work, or learn, or anything that required any effort on their part. So she had gone from something she loved to something of a compromise to something fetid. This is, of course, a perfect example of the old saw: You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose.
 
May 30, 2017
I have hundreds of things to do around our house and property (chores, repairs, maintenance) and am accomplishing none of them. I've been distracted, see. First there was the Indy 500, then the World Women's Rugby 7s series in Langford, British Columbia, the Toronto Blue Jays playing every day, the Stanley Cup Finals every other day, the Indigenous Round of the Australian Rules Football League games all weekend... Wait a minute, I'm sensing a theme here...
 

 
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