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KeithSpeak-September 2017


September 1, 2017
This is where we live. 
You can't tell me I'm not doing something right.
September 2, 2017
How about you treat yourself? How about you give yourself the gift of cutting yourself some slack, a little compassion, forgiveness and some understanding, if only for a single day? You know, be nice to yourself. There'll be no second guessing, no later remorse, no criticizing your actions as stupid, foolish, ridiculous, etc. You don't necessarily need to be proud of what you did on that day, or pat yourself on the back for it, but just acknowledge that what you did is perfectly fine by you. Wouldn't that be a nice treat?
September 3, 2017
Overheard a man and woman walking on the street.
-- Your mother is such a bitch. Did I tell you what she said to me?
-- Yes, you told me.
-- Well, what are you going to do about it?
-- What can I do?
-- You could put her in a nursing home where she belongs.
-- She's my mother. I can't do that.
-- Well, what are you going to do about her?
-- What can I do?
-- Put her away!
-- She's my mother!
-- I'm your wife. Put her away.
-- I can't.
-- Then you leave me no choice.
-- What's that supposed to mean?
-- No sex until she's gone.
-- What?
-- You heard me.
-- What?!
-- Put. Her. Away.
September 4, 2017
I had just parked at city hall to go pay a bill when a motorcycle roared up beside me. On it was a giant fellow wearing a Hells Angels patch and a German artillery helmet. He shuts off the motorcycle, removes his spiked helmet, pulls an unopened bottle of beer from his denim jacket pocket, cracks it, guzzles it, throws the empty bottle onto the city hall lawn, gets off his bike and walks toward the criminal courts. Now that's an entrance.
September 5, 2017
I just spent a good deal of time writing something that didn't work. I spent several hours on a good idea with poor execution. The concept, though clever, was too difficult to manipulate within the given format. I just couldn't get it right and so scrapped the whole thing. You're reading what replaced it.
September 6, 2017
She was sure he had been fired from his job but was afraid to tell her. In the morning he got up, got dressed, and was out the door for work, only she was sure he had no work to go to. So she followed him. He took the train into the city. He took a cab uptown to an apartment building. He exited fifteen minutes later with his second family - a blond on his arm and two children who called him daddy. His original wife was in total, complete shock - he should have been at work by now! She was right! He had been fired! Boy, was she going to let him have it when he got home. 
September 7, 2017
He was a staid man who had never done anything out of the ordinary. But he was invited to a destination wedding in Greece. With trepidation he booked his flight and packed his bags. When the day arrived, he received an urgent text telling him the wedding had been cancelled due to the groom being a cheating scumbag. But his ticket was non-refundable and his bags were already packed, so he went to Greece anyway. It was the highlight of his life, and from then on, was all he ever talked about. No matter the conversation, he worked Greece into it. Though still a staid man, he was now unbelievably boring as well. Other people's lives. 
September 8, 2017
A webmaster was telling me how his site views were steadily falling and he couldn't figure out why. He asked me if I would take a look and critique what might be the issues. I logged on. The content was fine, a nice cross of informative, well written pieces, but the pages were cram full of ads for right wing politicians, FOX news, Trumpy and other conservative miscreants. When I asked him why that's so, he said they paid really good. I suggested that perhaps the ridiculously one sided nature of his advertising might just be the problem. I wanted to add, "duh", but I didn't.
September 11, 2017
I've been dealing with government bureaucracy. It seems to be about incompetent people doing a barely passable job and power tripping on the fact that there is nowhere else to go. Why should I have to call 6 times over 4 months about the same issue? Why do they say at the end of each call that all has been rectified and things are now hunky dory. Only to find out they aren't. Why? Why! Sigh.
September 12, 2017
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If the aliens landed today and said take me to your leader, would you usher them toward the lying, incompetent, unqualified, narcissistic, bloviating, ignorant 5th grader in charge, or would you take them to wherever Barack Obama is vacationing?
Yeah, I thought so.
September 14, 2017
To have a most wonderful life, all you have to do is love yourself. Everything good comes from doing that. Does too.
September 15, 2017
Today, with dread and foreboding, my wife is doing something she has never done before. Her entire life she has had zero interest in flea markets, garage sales, yard sales, estate sales and auctions. But today she is actually involved in one and absolutely can't believe it. She keeps asking me why she agreed to do this. Why didn't I stop her. Didn't I love her anymore? Tee hee.
September 18, 2017
My neighbour drove up with a brand new Harley-Davidson Softail Slim on a motorcycle trailer. He unchained it and rolled it off. He put on his new helmet and riding gloves, sat astride the new bike and cranked it up. It started with a lovely roar and he revved the throttle many times just to listen to it. He toe tapped into 1st gear and let out the clutch, only to have the front tire clip the edge of the trailer ramp and throw him off balance where he low sided the bike. He was unhurt, mortally embarrassed, and quickly stood up looking left and right to see if anyone had witnessed his boo boo. The motorcycle had slid ten feet on its side and at 700 pounds was too heavy for him to pick up by himself. He stood in the middle of the street staring at his newly bruised baby, unable to help her, or ride her, or do anything for her. He took off his helmet. He looked so sad.
September 19, 2017
Two content buyers are in today to discuss a deal where I provide content for several of their sites, but within minutes I can tell this isn't going to work out. Their terms are onerous, but worse, their demeanor is caustic. One is combative, the other adversarial. Together they are a cocktail of unhappy things to come should one come under their employ. Why so heavy handed, fellows? They say the world is full of scumbags out to rip them off and they aren't going to let that happen. When they ask me why I'm turning them down, I tell them they're no fun.
September 20, 2017
Overheard in the pub.
-- Did you hear that Jeannie got promoted?
-- That slag?!
-- That's why she got promoted. She's sleeping with Carlson.
-- Well no job in the world would be worth losing my self-respect to a dud like Carlson.
-- Jeannie's ambitious.
-- Jeannie's a whore.
-- That's Vice President whore Jeannie now. Hey, that's what we should call her. VPwJ for short. That way we won't get fired when we talk about her at work.
-- What is VPwJ?
-- God, Mira! Vice! President! whore! Jeannie!
-- Oh, yeah. Why can't we just call her whore Jeannie?
-- Why not just whore?
-- That's perfect!
-- I was kidding, Mira.
-- Oh.
September 21, 2017
Tiptoeing in after a long night out drinking, Joe removed his shoes in the garage, walked into the house, stepped on a Lego piece and screamed, waking up his wife Cicely who came storming into the room. Joe was drunk and confused because Joe and Cicely have no children. So why is there a Lego piece on the floor of their kitchen? Joe's first thought was that perhaps they had a child and he didn't know about it, but then his second thought was that perhaps Cicely has a secret Lego fetish and plays with them when he's out, but his third thought was the definitive one. Joe accused Cicely of having a Danish Lego salesman lover and he had just discovered the smoking gun! As he bent down to pick up the offending plastic piece and wave it in front of his cheating wife's face, he lost his balance, fell forward and cracked his head on the kitchen table. With Joe out cold, Cicely gave the all clear to Henrik, her Danish Lego salesman lover, who then slipped out the door on his way back to Copenhagen.
September 22, 2017
Vincent: I hate you!
Maria: Well, I hate you !
Vincent:  I hate you more!
Maria: Impossible! I hate you as much as one human can hate anything - times 10!
Vincent: Yeah, well...
Maria: Are you turned on?
Vincent: Your anger fires me up, Maria.
Maria: Make love to me, Vincent.
Vincent: Oh, Maria.
Maria: Oh, Vincent.
September 24, 2017
"Why does everyone keep settling?" Those words were spoken to me by a preacher who officiates a lot of weddings and more often than not can tell that the couple he's hitching ain't gonna last. So years ago he started keeping a spreadsheet of those he married and whether or not they divorced. "The numbers are staggering. I have performed hundreds of weddings. 73% of them are now divorced. 73%!" He seemed amazed yet perplexed. I proffered the obvious - maybe it's you?
September 25, 2017
There are multiple birthdays today! I will be kept busy with so many congratulations, present openings, cake eatings, rounds of for he's/she's a jolly good fellow/gal, wearing of funny hats, blowing of paper horns, good times trash talk and drink induced reveries, why I might begin to think that it was my birthday, which it isn't, still...
September 27, 2017
He was so delighted, so exuberant, that I had to laugh. I was out of town yesterday night and stopped to get gasoline. While filling the tank, a car silently wheeled up next to me. The driver rolled down his window and said, brimming with genuine excitement, "Electric!" and then quietly buzzed off down the road. I had to laugh - then cried when I saw the total for the gas I had just pumped.
September 29, 2017
If you ignored politics, never voted, and rarely watched or read the news, you could live your life free from the stress that incompetent asshats in positions of power engender in the rest of us. Good on you?
September 30, 2017
If countries could talk, I imagine Canada might quote Jackson Browne to America: "I don't mean to be cruel, babe, but you're lookin' confused."

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