So get this: I’m with my stepfather, Gunnar, on a grocery run. Gunnar has on a t-shirt that says, ‘Trump is a cunt. Discuss.’ He always gets stopped while wearing that shirt and once again, he was accosted by a few right wing douchebags who attempted to attack Gunnar and his “woke ways”. But Gunnar is proud to be a supporter of human rights. He is unashamed to be called a liberal and he challenges these stupid fools on why they are so insane for Trump when Trump is so obviously insane. What’s wrong with loving your fellow man? Why are all you right wing assholes so afraid of shit? Gunnar is more than capable of handling himself as verbal altercations have occasionally turned physical. But this time – remember, we’re in a grocery store – this time an 80 year old Trump chump pulls a knife on Gunnar in the cereal aisle and tells him to take back everything he just said or get stabbed. Ok, so my question to you is, Would you go grocery shopping with Gunnar?
Signed,
Stepdad’s wing man
Dear Wing,
Sure, sounds like fun. But I want to know what happened in the cereal aisle. You’re just going to leave us hanging? Did Gunnar go all John Wick on grandpa racist? Did the store manager kick them out so they had to knife fight in the parking lot? Did a big crowd form? Did grandpa racist stick Gunnar? Are they both still alive? What happened!
October 2, 2025
The police in Gainesville, Florida called me this morning. They thought I might be involved in one of their capers and they were calling to question my whereabouts. I was kind of playing along until they said they were sending an officer over to my house to question me in person.
-- Uh, where do you think I live?
-- We have your last known address as 112 South Suffolk, Apartment 6G, Ft. Lauderdale.
-- I believe you have the wrong person.
-- Frankly, Keith, that’s what they all say.
-- Hang on a sec and I’ll get you directions to where I really am… You still there?
-- We are.
-- Ok, if you’re driving, head north on I-75 for 47 hours to cover the 3,000 miles between us. So I should expect you when, next Tuesday?
-- Very funny.
-- Is it?
-- What are you talking about?
-- Look, you have the wrong Keith Ryan. I live in British Columbia, Canada. How did you get my number?
-- We use AI here at the GPD. We’re very proud of that.
-- Well it’s wrong. Hello, I’m not the guy you’re looking for. Ooh, Lionel Richie eat your heart out!
-- This Lionel, is he part of this?
-- What?
-- Where did you say you are?
-- Canada.
-- How far is that?
-- 3,000 miles from Florida.
-- When is your birthday and what is your passport number?
-- Officer, we’re done here. You’re barking up the wrong tree. What started out as kind of amusing, a lark if you will, has turned to disappointment. But you have yourself a nice day anyway. Ta ta.
-- Don’t you hang up on me!
Click.
October 3, 2025
Overheard a local politician talking to a crony at lunch.
-- I wanna try some of Trump’s tactics.
-- Like what?
-- You know, basically lying my ass off. Making up nicknames for people.
-- The public hates that motherfucker. They find out you are lying about everything you say, they will stop listening.
-- But they eat it up for him.
-- The truth? You don’t lead a cult of morons. You don’t wear enough makeup for a drag queen. You don’t have a cadre of simpletons to back up your made up bullshit and you’re definitely not stupid enough to believe the lies you spew. He is. All of it. But for you, it’s political suicide.
-- Yeah well, I’m gonna do it anyway.
-- That’s the conservative spirit.
October 4, 2025
4 of us were on a 7 day trek in northern British Columbia. High elevation, miserable weather, the start of winter. At one point a herd of elk ran past.
We could hear them talking about us.
-- Who the hell are those guys?
-- And what are they doing up at this elevation at the beginning of winter?
-- What idiots.
-- Should we confront them?
-- Yeah, we could stampede ‘em, at least scare the shit out of ‘em.
-- Hey, that could be fun!
-- No, we have to cross the Firesteel before it gets unfordable.
-- That river’s a killer. Do they even know about it?
-- How the hell are they going to get across?
-- Can those puny humans even swim?
-- There’s no way they can swim the Firesteel when it’s swollen.
-- That river runs so fast it doesn’t even freeze in winter.
-- They’ll end up miles down river after getting bashed over the rocks.
-- They’re doomed.
-- And the water is ice cold now.
-- Yeah, we got fur coats, those hairless humans will freeze to death.
-- Hypothermia.
-- What idiots.
-- I’ll never get humans and the dumb things they do.
-- Come on, let’s keep going. They’re as good as dead.
-- Maybe the Mounties will find them in the spring.
-- Good luck, you stupid humans!
Wow.
October 5, 2025
They met online and were having their first date. He was disappointed that she didn’t look anything like her picture. She too was let down by everything about him. What they thought they had in common, they didn’t. He couldn’t remember her name; she was figuring out ways to ghost him. They ate without talking. Two hours and a million missed connections later, they were at her doorstep at the end of the night. He said he wanted to see her again and leaned in for a kiss. She pushed him away. He got grabby and said she owed him. She kneed him in the testicles. He went down. She went in. Modern times or times as old as dating itself?
October 7, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
What’s that rancid smell?
The FBI has traced it back to its source, the vile orange smear and his soiled diapers, his fake hair, his false teeth, his drag queen makeup, his two remaining brain cells, his fucking cringe worthy needy ego, his rapist ways, his golddigger wife, his imbecile sons, grifter family and the cadre of sycophants, puppets and fellow losers scurrying behind him spraying Glade and pretending it doesn't stink.
October 8, 2025
The National Weather Service just released a picture of the fascism storm growing in America. No, wait, this just in! It’s a picture of the inside of Trump’s brain! and it turns out it’s nothing more than a shitload of hot air running around in circles! Round and round, the same grievances, same stupidity, same lies, same bullshit. It’s a whirlwind of ignorance where nothing escapes and everything in there tortures the old gasbag endlessly. Oh look, there’s Hillary Clinton over and over and over again, and is that Jimmy Kimmel and Gavin Newsome? Hey, there’s AOC and windmills living rent free in the old man’s vapors. See that little hole in the middle, what all the made-up bullshit is swirling around? Dementia. Plain as day. Is it not time we applaud the sophistication and accuracy of today’s medical instruments?
October 9, 2025
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I love the porn. But lately, I’ve noticed a trend. How come all the porn people now have tattoos? More women than ever are getting into compromising positions and there I am busy trying to figure out the ink picture or script writing and I’m getting distracted from the porn. You look like the randy type and would probably know where all the homespun, natural girls doing the porn are, so can you send me the URL?
Signed,
Distracted
Dear Distracted,
First off, I love the porn? Who puts ‘the’ in front of porn? Dude, that was not a great start.
Second off, Porn people? You called them porn people. Good god, man, show some respect. I believe the correct term is porn stars.
Third off, What’s with the “you look like the randy type” comment. Come on now, Distracted, isn’t that just projection?
I’m sorry, but you made too many mistakes for me and the homespun porn girls I hang out with to allow you into our little wholesome porn club. But thanks for thinking of us and you have yourself a nice day. Mkay?
October 10, 2025
TELL US YOUR BEST RESTAURANT EXPERIENCE
My husband and I went to this outrageously expensive place for dinner and someone at the table before us unscrewed the cap on the salt shaker so that when I went to put a little on my meal, it dumped the whole thing on my food. The restaurant refused to take responsibility for this or replace my dinner. My husband is a lawyer. This is America. We sued. We won. I can now eat once a week for free at Chez Larry for the entire year. My husband refuses to because he says Larry will spit in his food. And I must admit the staff is a bit hostile to me weekly, and yes, if I’m truthful, Larry probably spits in mine as well, but this is a victory for America and no spit wielding punk chef is going to get in the way of me and a year of free meals.
A victory for America, you say. Well, isn’t that something.
Can I tell you a little secret? After every 4th meal there I unscrew the cap on the salt shaker hoping someone else sues his ass. Is that mean?
Yes.
October 11, 2025
Her husband lost his job and couldn’t find another. Sitting on the couch watching TV he became lazier and lazier about his personal hygiene and his looks. When he didn’t wash his hair for months on end, his wife became desperate and asked her drug dealer brother for something to knock her husband out so she could cut his hair and shave off his beard. Her brother gave her Rohypnol, the date rape drug. She knocked hubby out, grabbed the clippers and went to work. When he woke up and saw himself in a mirror, he freaked out, grabbed the clippers, held his wife down and shaved off her hair. After calming down, and realizing they needed some sort of public explanation for their drastically altered looks, they concocted a story about a non-existent cancer-stricken nephew for whom they shaved their heads in solidarity. It would be a heartwarming end to say hubby found a great job, the phantom nephew survived his treatments and everyone’s hair was now luxurious, but the truth is, hubby never found another job, the nephew had to die so they could grow their hair back, and they became steady customers of her drug dealer brother in an attempt to escape their bleak reality. Once again, other people’s lives.
October 12, 2025
You can do or be anything. Can too.
You can be a miserable son of a bitch, intolerant, inhumane and nasty.
You can be amazed at the beauty of the world and walk through life happy and open.
You can abuse others for whatever twisted reasons you think apply.
You can appreciate art and creativity. You can make art and creativity.
You can hate freely.
You can love freely.
There are exactly 72 trillion and 6 other things you can do or be, but by the time we got through them all the point would have long been lost. The point? Silly! You can do or be anything! Remember?
October 13, 2025
I ran into an old buddy. He was walking his new puppy. “Her name is Luna. Isn’t she adorable? I’m crazy about her. She’s a Husky,” he declared.
-- Uh no, she’s not.
-- What? What are you talking about?
-- Cal, Luna is an Alaskan Malamute.
-- She’s not a Husky? Isn’t that just another name for the same dog?
-- They might both be northern breeds but that’s where the comparison ends.
-- What’s the difference?
-- Fully grown female Siberian Huskies weigh about 40 pounds. Malamute females average about 80 pounds but can go bigger.
-- Oh shit! She’s gonna be twice the size we think?
-- It seems so. She will also be more independent. Much more independent. Huskies are fun loving and energetic. Malamutes are solid, sovereign, stand up dogs. They live for themselves, not your praise.
-- My wife will go nuts. She wanted a lap dog but I talked her into Luna. When I tell her the dog is going to be 80 pounds, she’ll probably throw us both out. Dude, don’t take offence, but I wish I’d never run into you. Damn! Come on, Luna, let’s go surprise Mommy.
-- Cal, wait, you can turn this into a win for everybody.
-- How so?
-- What if you get a lap dog for your wife? It’s what she wants, right? She’ll be happy. Luna will have a friend to hang out with and an adopted dog gets a new home.
-- Two dogs?! You’re saying I should come home with another dog? Are you nuts? Isn’t that just doubling down on the problem?
-- What problem? If you get what you want – Luna, if your wife gets what she wants – a lap dog, if Luna gets a canine companion and the new dog gets a new home already equipped with a big dog to protect it when not in your wife’s loving arms, where is the problem?
-- I gotta think about this. You’re sure she’s a Malamute?
-- Cal, my wife and I have had several sets Malamutes. Luna is a beautiful example of that marvelous breed. Yes, I’m sure.
-- Ok, I gotta think about this. We’re gonna keep walking. Later, man.
-- See ya, Cal. Bye Luna.
Prognosis in taking my advice? It’s either divorce or peace. Hard to call at this point.
October 14, 2025
-3C this morning. Frost on everything left outside. Water frozen in the dog bowl, the birdbath, the hummingbird feeder. All the geese flew south months ago. It seemed early at the time but now I know what they knew – winter is coming fast. Snow on all the mountains surrounding our town. Time to pull the field mower off the tractor and put on the snow plow and chains. Time to put away the side by side and wake up the snowmobile. I need to drain water lines, move firewood and prepare equipment. It’s a lot of stuff but you go lightly into a Canadian winter, you wing it, and it will be like, like living with a drunk Will Ferrell - funny at first, tragic by the end. And worse, those who did prepare will be sitting indoors by the fire drinking hot chocolate, watching Will Ferrell movies and laughing at the struggling you. Will too.
October 15, 2025
I have a friend who confided in me that he thinks his new 2nd wife is having mental problems.
-- Why would you think that?
-- You know I normally work night shift so by the time I get home in the morning, the kids have had breakfast and are off to school. But we got let off two hours early because a machine burned up and we couldn’t do any more work.
-- Yeah, so?
-- So I walk in on the kids just getting breakfast.
-- Yeah, so?
-- Maria was serving them candy bars! Mark had a Snickers, a Butterfinger and a Kit Kat on his plate. Little Frankie had a Reese Cup and a few Milk Duds on his and baby Carla had a cute little Cadbury Chocolate bunny and some candy corn.
-- Wow, so?
-- So I asked Maria why she was giving them candy for breakfast and she told me this super bizarre story about how when she was a kid her parents got weird with eggs-
-- Weird with eggs?
-- You don’t wanna know. Anyway, it put her off breakfast foods forever.
-- Wow.
-- The kids will be diabetics with rotten teeth by the time they’re teenagers! Plus, there are also a few other, um, peccadillos, Maria has exhibited-
-- Peccadillos, you say?
-- Yeah. Suffice it to say I’m concerned for her behaviors. What do you think I should do?
-- Have you talked with her about this?
-- Not really. I’m shocked every time she does something completely out of the ordinary. Plus, you know I’m not good with confrontation. Plus, she doesn’t really speak English.
-- Maybe this is normal where she’s from?
-- Do they even have Milk Duds in French Guiana?
-- Maybe it’s just her culture clashing with your culture?
-- Maybe.
-- Or she could be in need of professional help.
-- Maybe.
-- Or you guys are just in need of marital counseling.
-- Maybe.
-- Hope I helped.
-- Not really.
October 17, 2025
Ordered an electronic product that happened to be made in China, evidently for the locals, because everything about this item is in Chinese – the instructions, all the writing on the machine, all the dials and buttons, every damn thing about how to make this work is in a foreign language. The manufacturer says there are no English translations available. I tried using Google Translate but even the translations were indecipherable. This is not good…
UPDATE: I fried the machine. It’s still smoking. Ask me if I’m surprised. Only took me about 10 minutes to do it in - make a note: you can’t twirl this knob at the same time you move this slider to 9 while it’s plugged in. It was a quick death. A pop. Then smoke. All I have to say is if China wants to rule the world, they should have better instructions.
October 18, 2025
It’s 5 in the morning. Everyone is asleep. It’s quiet and dark, warm, cozy and perfect. I have a deadline to meet. I get to work. In the 2nd Act of the screenplay there is some trouble uniting something that happens in Act 1 with Act 3. I need a plausible and credible bridge to get there. I reread the 2nd Act and about 2/3rds of the way in, I see the solution. I rewrite Act 2 and about 3 hours later I have a brilliant segue. I send it off. Though everyone here is still asleep, it's getting light outside. I can hear cars and people. The spell is broken. Still, someday I’ll get to see some actor up on the screen portraying the scenes I just wrote and I will remember back to this quiet, dark, cozy, perfect morning. That’s how it works, my friends. One small thing at a time until you’re dead. Fun stuff.
October 19, 2025
My friends in the States used to just be my friends. There was no political affiliation associated with them whatsoever. Not anymore. I’ve known some of them since childhood, others through college or work experience, and as soon as America became ugly and divided with hate, my friend’s allegiances became known. I have learned that both sides must be dealt with gingerly. Friends just can’t be friends. How messed up is that?
October 20, 2025
Overheard a young couple at the wharf.
-- The water looks cold.
-- It’s four degrees out, Lucinda. Of course it’s cold.
-- Why are you using that tone?
-- Because it’s obvious.
-- Is it?
-- Look around us. There’s snow on the mountains; it’s a couple of degrees above freezing – how can the lake water not be cold?
-- Two words, Colin. Hot springs…stupid.
-- That’s three words.
-- Quit acting like you know everything.
-- I know one thing you don’t know I know. A big juicy secret.
-- Oh really? And what’s that?
-- I know you’re pregnant!
-- What!?
-- I see you throwing up all the time. That’s what pregnant ladies do. I’m not stupid.
-- No, but you are a dumbfuck. I’m not pregnant, Colin.
-- Then how come all the vomiting?
-- If you must know, I’m bulimic.
-- What’s that mean?
-- You are dumb and stupid.
-- What’s it mean, Lucinda?
-- You like the way I look? Thin, trim, beautiful?
-- Yeah, of course I do.
-- Well that’s how I stay there.
-- So it’s kind of like an exercise?
-- Yeah, now you got it.
-- Well keep on doing it, you look great. Although I was excited when I thought you were pregnant.
-- I wasn’t.
October 22, 2025
He got straight A’s all through school but when he entered the workplace, he was lost. Being book smart was of little value when one is just trying to survive, because it turns out entry level jobs just need adequate people, not smart people. And middle level jobs require experience. Between the rent and the car payment he was getting desperate. He didn’t know what he was going to do until he watched Trump bumble, preen and lie his way through yet another useless speech with nothing but bullshit and deceit. And there it was, staring him right in the face - politics! - a job that requires no training, no intelligence, no prior experience, no grand plan, can support the stupidest hacks in America (look at Trump!) and is free for the taking. So he ran. Fooled everybody. Got elected. Became just another useless political twat sucking off the teat of the American taxpayer for nothing but personal enrichment. USA. USA. USA.
October 23, 2025
In the future, when AI and CGI combine to bring you movies with no real actors in them, they will exploit what has become highly regulated with real actors – sex. The fake movies with their fake AI created non-existent people that look and act like real people only they’re not, will resort to more and more sexual content up to and including full penetration. The moviemakers will say, So who’s to get upset? It’s fake! They’re just 1’s and 0’s! Once accepted, as mainstream movies feature more and more full on AI sex, this will likely lead to an amalgamation of the movie industry and the porn industry. There are going to be famous fake AI generated movie “actors” doing both sex in mainstream movies and also in porn. They’re just 1’s and 0’s! Porn is a huge money stream! Who cares? And no one probably will. So, if the future is fake sex, you good with that?
October 24, 2025
I have a dentist appointment today and it’s still a good day because the World Series starts tonight and the Toronto Blue Jays are in it. Whoo hoo!
October 26, 2025
His job was feeding archived material into an AI machine to learn, and he was making decent money doing it, but he was unfulfilled. His creative side yearned for an outlet. At first he tried painting. Bought all the gear – easel, paints, brushes, canvasses, etc. But he was no good. Couldn’t paint for shit. But he didn’t get down on himself. Over time he tried poetry, photography and music but was stunningly bad at all of them.
One day, while feeding old manuscripts and technical manuals into his bottomless AI learning pit, he came across carpentry instructions for making some really cool furniture. He studied the pictures. They were detailed, art deco in design and lovely to look at. He was determined to make this his next creative venture. He rented time in a carpentry workshop where he could use their space and tools to build the furniture. He followed the detailed instructions to a T. And even though he almost cut his fingers off, his first creation was an art deco floor lamp that was seriously cool. And it sold for good money. He made more stuff. It too sold and word of mouth spread. Unfortunately, the technical pages that had allowed him to make the furniture projects, had only 4 items – two lamps, a credenza, and a dining room table. He had no idea how to make anything else. When custom orders started happening, he realized that he was great at following very detailed instructions, but not so great in creatively making up his own. It dawned on him that he was his own AI machine! Instructions had to be fed into him before he could accomplish anything! He wasn’t really good at anything creatively; he was just another machine absorbing information already created by someone else and replicating it. So he spurned the commissions and walked away from woodworking and into the kitchen. He figured that cooking is just following recipes and there are millions of those, not just 4. Plus, you eat what you make, so there is no evidence staring you in the face that you are a fraud like his dining room table, lamp and credenza do at home.
Moral of the story? Discovering new things about yourself can be a double-edged sword. You may find you’re good at something that you don’t really want to be good at. Or that your furniture is judgmental. Or that your job is the actual representation of you whether you want to admit that or not. Or that ruining your life by making furniture that hates you is counterproductive to good mental health. Does any of that make sense? No? Maybe this was for another story.
October 27, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
America, why did you elect these fearful little twerps?
Your government is blindly following a pedophile scumbag
They are bowing to a convicted rapist
A stupid, decrepit, oafish man/child, a real chicken little - the sky is falling!
The whole lot of these political hacks are hateful losers afraid of everything
Are you?
Is America?
You know, when they do role call in Hell, all these political jerkoffs will be there answering, Here, your Dark Lord
At the head of the line will be Chief Pussy Lying Pants hisself, the biggest loser in Hell and widely known for his paucity of intelligence, as is currently being illustrated
Fat Donnie is lying to the Devil. Right to the Devil’s face. Where does Dumb Donnie think he is? America?
Satan pitchforks him in the mouth. There are no lies in Hell
Uh oh, Donnie
October 28, 2025
3rd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Yesterday, your poem, it opened my eyes. It was like no poem ever read! Can it just not rhyme and that’s, what, ok to do? Who knew? Could I write poem like that? Would it be all right to put rhyme in every now and then? Also, you didn’t use any periods, but you did use question marks and exclamation points. Is that proper poetry literary etiquette? I am learning. Oh, I liked how you dashed from traditional poetry of first two lines to Hell at the end. That was very cool. I don’t know who those people are that you talked about in your poem because I am from Estonia, but the poetry lessons you taught here will live on and on. Tänud.
Signed
Impressed
Dear Impressed,
Don’t be. Yes, it’s true, I am a great poet and to be recognized in Estonia for that makes me delirious, but you should not follow anything I do. You need to find your own style. Mine is no periods and concluding every poem in Hell. Yours? Find out.
October 29, 2025
He had planned his life out since he was 11. He would go to a great college, get an undergraduate degree, get a post graduate degree, land a fantastic job, make lots of money, earn prestige, respect and awards and then retire to great fanfare.
6 years later, at 17, he got Lucy K. pregnant, quit school, married her, got a job at the Ford factory and forgot all about the dreams of his 7 year old self.
5 years after that he was divorced with two children he never saw and a dead end job working the parts counter at a truck stop.
3 years later, his mother sent him stuff she found when cleaning out the basement. In that box were his 7 year old dreams. He laughed at what an idiot he was. College? Him? Prestige, respect and awards? What a joke!
A year later, at age 26, he killed a man in a bar fight over political disagreements. Incarceration taught him to love his fellow man. Literally. Forcefully. And that is where he is today.
So, if your life doesn’t go as planned, does that make it any less of a life?
October 31, 2025
I’ve been out of town for two days. Will return tonight. See you in November.
