When I was out of town, I stopped at a mall that had a homeless man and his dog outside a side entrance. Instead of just giving money to him, I sat down next to them and pet his dog while the guy and I talked about all kinds of stuff. He seemed like he was a good man caught up in dire circumstances, but my empathy for the dog was paramount. I told him I would go into the mall and buy him and his dog anything they needed. He said he desired a warmer coat. Done. And for the dog? The man said he needed food. The dog hadn’t eaten in a while. I went into the mall and went shopping at the grocery for all kinds of dog food and treats, dog bowls and water and then bought the guy a nice, warm jacket. I rolled the shopping cart of stuff outside to them. We talked again for a few minutes; I pet the dog one last time and left. Good Samaritan? Not really. I was drawn to them by my empathy for the dog. Simple as that.
November 2, 2025
Two dogs were in the road about 6 feet apart taking turns barking at each other. It actually looked like they were having a conversation. And really, who’s to say they weren’t?
November 3, 2025
When John was 6 his father asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
John said, a race car driver.
His father thought that was cute.
When John was 11 his father asked him again what he wanted to be.
John said, a race car driver.
At 15, he asked him one more time and got the same answer as before.
Why race cars, John?
It’s my destiny, Dad.
At 17 John was killed in a racing accident.
At the funeral, his father said, "All his life John wanted to race cars. Our son died doing exactly what he wanted to do. He got to live out his dream. That’s more than most of us do. John told me it was his destiny. It was ours too."
November 4, 2025
Overheard a teen talking to himself on a city bench.
-- I can’t believe she left me! I hate my life! I hate living! It’s all garbage. Why am I here? Why am I living this shit life? Nobody knows what the hell is going on, it’s a messed up world…I don’t like any of it. Screw you, Linda. I don’t care about anything anymore.
He gets up from where he is sitting, approaches a stranger walking by and slaps him across the face. The stranger is shocked and takes a step back. The teen doesn’t know what to do next. But when the stranger walks on without saying a word, the teen melts down. He starts crying, Linda Linda, right there on the street. Soon, he stops crying and looks around.
Another stranger approaches. The teen reaches out and slaps this person too. Only the reaction is different. The youth is asked why he did what he did, but again had no answers. This seemed to enrage the stranger and he beat the teen slapper silly. After a bit, the boy picked himself up, cursed Linda several times and shuffled off. 'Twas nothing more than other people’s lives.
November 6, 2025
He wanted to be a spy, or at the very least a cop who gets to carry a gun. He started with the spy people first. He found the paperwork to be a spy was thorough and detailed and in one section they wanted him to list all his friends and relatives, their professions, addresses and phone numbers. He didn’t like doing that. He felt he was implicating them in something they had nothing to do with so he asked if he could skip that section. They chuckled amongst themselves and promptly rejected him. Next, he went to the State Police, but he didn’t fit their physical minimum requirements. He then tried the local police and actually got an interview but was rejected because of the unacceptable views he espoused. That left only two choices: security guard for Brinks, or security guard at the mall. He smiled to himself. Either way, he gets to carry a gun. A sort of cop who gets to carry a gun is guarding our money and malls. You good with that?
November 8, 2025
I’m not going to lie, there are some damned awful people in this world. People that can’t be talked to or reasoned with are not worth anybody’s time. Why should anyone respect their ignorance? If your friends or family are some of these awful people, I suggest getting new friends or family. There that’s tidy.
November 9, 2025
Wanna know how to spend 5 hours changing a light bulb? A table lamp that lights my office starting shorting out, going off and on at will. A new bulb didn’t fix the issue. The lamp wasn’t so precious that I was going to spend time rewiring it, but I needed the light. I found another table lamp in the basement and proceeded to swap them out.
The old cord was snaked through the rear of several open shelves on the cabinet below and was plugged into the back wall. Attempting to unplug it caused me to knock both shelves down spilling all the stuff that was on them onto my office floor. And what stuff there was! Packed onto those shelves were old manuscripts, screenplays, pictures, paperwork, receipts, computer parts and hard drives, technical manuals, books - stuff) and all of it caused me to spend the next 5 hours sifting through it. By the time I plugged in the new lamp, put the shelves back in their place, replaced the stuff I was keeping and turned on the lamp, it was 5 hours later. Oof.
November 10, 2025
Her name was Rita and she worked at a munitions factory in Belgium. One day at work, she asked herself why she was devoting her life to making something that does nothing but kill other people. Each bullet that passed through her workstation was another emissary of death and she wondered why she was involved. It’s called self-realization and it can shift the outcome of a life in profound ways. Rita wondered, once the questioning starts, does it ever stop?
November 11, 2025
In philosophy there is a term called, Loseritus, a syndrome where losers only follow other losers. Maybe that explains Trump and his cretins. Did they test Trump for Loseritus at Walter Reed Hospital recently? I’m just sayin’…
November 12, 2025
Ok class, you are going to learn something about yourself today. If I were to ask each of you about your mental state right now, you might tell me how you wish you were instead of how you actually are. These are lies! Lies you tell yourself! But painting is an express route into the soul; it will reveal all. So today, we are going to do self-portraits. Your paintings will show the world how you really feel right now, unmasked, unfiltered. Have at it, class.
An hour later.
-- Uh huh, looks good, Carolyn. How about you Joanie? Ooh, I like the brushwork. Melvin, how you coming along? Just black and white, huh. What’s that supposed to be? Is that your nose? Fascinating, carry on. And Jim, what have you been secretly working on over here in the corner? (a sharp intake of breath) Oh my god, Jim! Are you all right?!
She was sent a package by a secret admirer. In it were bath bombs, a book on bath bombs and a card redeemable at a local store for more bath bombs. There was a note that said, I’m bombing you with my love – your secret admirer.
She thought that was cheesy, belittled the gift giver to anyone who would listen and let it be known amongst her friends and social media that she had no interest in meeting her so called secret admirer.
So no one ever came forth.
The end.
Did she ever wonder who it was?
You bet she did.
November 15, 2025
I was sent a screenplay written by a famous novelist. I read it and then I read the book it was based on. He changed the movie so much from the original book that the studio thought it was another project entirely. He went off on tangents that turned out to be irrelevant. He invented characters that were never in the book. He had no idea on movie pacing. His dialogue was verbose and way too long. And the screenplay came in at a whopping 265 pages! (120 pages is the norm). It was so bad they fired him and sent the script to me for doctoring. But I was not a fan of the author, the book, or the material in it, let alone this mess of a screenplay, so I passed. They went to others and made the picture. It got 14% on Rotten Tomatoes.
You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em
Know when to fold ‘em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
Kenny Rogers
November 16, 2025
Overheard two guys at the wharf.
-- You pick up Genie, I’ll get the boat and we meet back here in a half hour.
-- OK. What time is it?
-- You’re wearing a watch, Daryl.
-- Yeah, but I don’t trust it.
-- Then why are you wearing it?
-- Genie gave it to me. It was her dead father’s wristwatch. But it doesn’t work real good.
-- Ok, then look at your phone.
-- I don’t have a modern phone. Genie gave me her dad’s old Nokia flip phone from like 25 years ago. It doesn’t work too good either.
-- Next you’re going to tell me that ridiculous argyle sweater was-
-- Her dad’s. Yes. We are the same size. Genie gave me all his clothes after he died.
-- Wow. Ok, it’s now 2:10. Meet back here at 2:40.
-- How will I know when that is?
-- Daryl, is it just me or are you making this purposefully difficult?
-- Genie wants me to wait 3 hours after eating before I go in the water. I need more time.
-- 3 hours! That’s bullshit.
-- It was one of her father’s rules.
-- Why am I not surprised.
-- Funny, when she started dating me she said it was because I looked like her father.
-- Well isn’t that super creepy. You’ve got all his stuff. Including his rules. She’s making you into her dead dad. You don’t find that a bit disturbing?
-- I don’t mind.
-- Does she call you Daddy during sex?
-- How did you know?!
-- Jesus, Daryl, has it ever occurred to you that perhaps Genie and her father had, um, less than a conventional relationship?
-- What do you mean?
-- She’s trying to make you into her dad. You’re having sex. Maybe they too had sex.
-- Ew. Ew!
-- Now you’re getting it.
November 17, 2025
Overheard two girls at the wharf.
-- Did you hear those guys?
-- I know! That girl has it bad for daddy.
-- She had sex with her own father!
-- That’s so gross.
-- If she got pregnant and had a kid she would be both mother and sister to it. That’s gross!
-- Plus, you can’t have sex with your relatives or the baby is born a moron or something.
-- That’s really gross.
-- Truly gross.
-- Could you imagine?
-- No.
November 18, 2025
If I write something I think is funny but nobody else does, that in no way affects my thoughts about what I did. I only have to please myself. Everyone else is a crapshoot. This precept should be a universal axiom as it’s applicable to all things in your life: You only need to please yourself. Capish?
November 19, 2025
He looked up at the night sky and saw a white light behaving erratically. Was he looking at a UFO? Without proof, would anyone believe him? He took out his cell phone and recorded the light. When he looked at the video, it was just a white dot with no background or reference points and didn’t really show anything. When he looked up from his phone, he was frozen in place – the light was heading straight for him! He hit record and held the phone up like a crucifix. As it got closer, he was able to make out a face! It was his ex-girlfriend, Marla! The weird girl he ghosted months ago? Marla was an alien?! NOW it all made sense. He couldn’t wait to tell everyone and show his video proof, so initially, he had dreams of being rich and famous, but later that night he had dreams of being abducted by Marla where she removed the videos from his phone and the hippocampus from his brain. Now he wouldn’t remember anything ever again. And when he woke up, he didn't. Is this the end or just the beginning?
November 21, 2025
A group of aliens were looking out their spaceship window at the Earth down below.
-- Humans!
-- We should never have made them.
-- That was Gor’s idea. We’ll need someone to turn the lights off and on, he said.
-- Gor’s an idiot.
-- Yeah, considering how awful humans have turned out to be.
-- I can’t believe that they would so disregard this jewel. We gave them a paradise in which to live.
-- And they have become a blight on it.
-- Why do humans hate each other so much?
-- They are a despicable species.
-- Hey gang, these errors can be corrected. We have the technology.
-- Yeah, we could get rid of the humans.
-- We should have done it long ago.
-- They’ve taken the planet to the brink.
-- They’re destructive and greedy.
-- Stupid and in it for themselves.
-- All in favour of getting rid of the humans on Earth, say aye.
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- Nay.
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- What’s up with you, Oulette?
-- We must keep Celine Dion, she is a treasure.
-- Well hell, man, if we’re gonna keep one we might as well keep them all.
-- Yeah, I guess.
-- That was a waste of time.
-- We’ll come back in a thousand years, see what’s left.
-- A thousand? I’d say ten would do it.
-- Ok, all in favour of returning in a decade?
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- Aye.
-- 2035 it is then.
November 21, 2025
I went to buy a printer and was hustled by the store manager. Everything he told me was a lie. I had done my research. I knew what I was talking about and I knew what I wanted. He kept lying about the hardware, the price and the return policy, which I knew stated that if you open the ink you cannot bring the unit back in for a refund. But you don’t know you need a refund until the printer doesn’t work and you can’t tell that until you print something which, of course, violates the return policy. The manager pooh-pooed that and told me I could bring it back even if the ink has been used. I told him I wanted that in writing. He refused. I went shopping elsewhere. Grrrr.
November 23, 2025
His girlfriend was hot, and a conspiracy theorist who spent ungodly hours on social media believing everything she read. He would come home from work and she would regale him with the latest cockamamie ideas she’d embraced in his absence. But tonight, for the first time, while she was raving on about politicians who are really reptile people, he thought to himself, How much longer can I do this? She’s hot but nuts. Is it worth it?
Hint: When you start asking those kinds of questions, can the end be far away?
November 25, 2025
At the sales meeting Thompson called the CEO a know nothing charlatan and a poseur after the chief attacked his new marketing campaign. He was immediately fired for insubordination. He went home and told his wife he had been canned. Unbeknownst to him, she called the company CEO and begged to get her husband’s job back. This involved a sexual tryst with the CEO but hubby got his sales job back and was never the wiser. He would go through the rest of his life not knowing what his wife sacrificed for him. Is this beautiful or a pity?
November 26, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
What happens next
Is up to you. Is too.
November 27, 2025
He was an insurance salesman. A funny insurance salesman. His wife was always telling him he should have been a comedian. Nah. Really? Hmm. One day he sat down and wrote a dozen jokes. He signed up for amateur night at a local comedy club. He bombed. He was nervous, his timing was awful and he botched some of the punchlines. But his jokes were good, so good that an agent in the audience wanted to sign him as a comedy writer. But he loved selling insurance too much to change careers.
Somewhere in the above paragraph is a gigantic lie. Can you spot it?
Insurance is a racket. Trying to make it palatable is the lie.
Just whipped off 12 fabulous jokes, eh? You know how hard that is to do? For anybody? Let alone an insurance salesman? No doubt about it, there’s your gigantic fib.
His boss should have fired him for saying there is a place for mirth in the insurance industry.
Yeah, a funny insurance salesman? Bullshit.
Professional here. No freakin’ amateur after a dozen jokes gets offered a comedy contract by any agent. I ought to know because I’m an agent and I have to see a comedian three times just to be sure. Although the first time I saw Carrot Top, I knew.
Do we really know if he was married or that was a made up lie because he is a lonely man masquerading as a jolly insurance salesman hoping to look normal to his marks, you know, talking about the wife and stuff, the ol' ball and chain, wink wink, nudge nudge. I wondered if he had any kids or if he lied about them too.
Some might call this story creative license but I think you’re just baiting us. Are you playing us? Is that the lie?
Get real, the whole thing is a pack of lies! All of it!
I want to know the name of the comedy club. They will have a tape of the set. After I watch his painful performance for myself, then I'll make my decision on the lie. Perchance, was it Chez Jester in Burlington?
Yer yankin' my chain, Ryan, and it's pissing me off. Tell us the lie already! Hello? You there? Goddamn it, the bastard left! That's exactly what I'm talkin' about!
November 29, 2025
For those who have newly moved to Canada from warmer climes and asked me what to expect come this, their first winter, I say, This is what to expect.
And I also have a question: Why didn’t you immigrate in June?
November 30, 2025
My buddy’s kids downloaded malware onto the family computer. In the span of a week, their bank account was cleaned out and their credit cards were maxed to the limit. When my buddy discovered the hacking, the emptying of their accounts and the amount of credit card debt they now had, he told me he wanted to kill his kids. And I believed him. I haven’t seen him in a while. Did he?
