I have never missed two days at the beginning of a new month before. Why now? A neighbour called and asked if I would help him round up his horses to get them out of a summer pasture and back to his barn. Sure. So we get a bunch of tack and his big horse trailer, hop in his truck and suddenly we’re driving north. Way north.
-- Where are we going?
-- Vanderhoof.
-- Vanderhoof! That’s like an 8 hour drive!
-- Uh huh.
-- Jeez, Bill, why didn’t you tell me we were going to Vanderhoof?
-- Because you wouldn’t have come.
We drove about 7½ hours and finally reached our destination. We spent the last two days wrangling his horses and driving them the 450 miles back home. We finally got them to his farm and after unloading I said,
-- Bill, you owe me.
-- You just call for anything and I’ll be there. That’s what neighbours are for. Thanks, Keith.
-- You’re welcome, Bill.
And that is why I am posting December 3rd and not earlier.
December 4, 2025
Whoops, I see that I never listed the December 2025 link on the KeithSpeak page. What a foul start to December! All should be working now. As all of us Canadians are fond of saying, sorry.
December 5, 2025
Weeks ago I took a sport coat into a dry cleaners. I went to pick it up and they told me it had been stolen. Their store had been broken into and a bunch of clothes, mine included, were taken. Well, isn’t that a fine how do you do? I was certainly not going to sue a dry cleaner over an old jacket so I just wrote it off. Yesterday, in town, I passed a homeless man wearing my sport coat. He was panhandling in front of a grocery store. It was -4 degrees. Clearly, he needed the coat more than I did. You’re welcome.
December 6, 2025
I got a call from a friend living in the Dominican Republic. His 16 year old son has been picked as an international free agent and asked to sign a minor league contract with the New York Yankees. He was offered a 5 figure signing bonus that the family desperately needed, but my friend said the boy was afraid to go to America. He doesn’t speak English, he thinks Trump is a ghoul, and he doesn’t want to leave his family in the DR. The kid is under tremendous pressure to sign, but if he has to do something he doesn’t want to do (move to America), should he be forced to do it?
I told him to leave the boy alone. The New York Yankees suck. He would be making a wise decision.
My friend’s wife sent me a blistering reply about how they needed the money and the boy should be providing for his family and for me to butt out.
So I did.
The boy signed, moved to Tampa, hated everything about America, the NY Yankees and his new life. So he quit baseball and moved back to the DR. His family was less than pleased and downright hostile to him after the ball club asked for the signing bonus back (which the family had already spent). Of course, everyone blamed the kid and he was made miserable because of it. So much drama for a 16 year old! Those damn Yankees!
December 7, 2025
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
TREMAIN
Don’t you tell me!
CARLO
Don’t tell you what? Oh wait, do you mean don’t tell you
that you’re an insufferable jerk and a miserable bore
who I often have revenge fantasies of
where I’m murdering you in your sleep
so I don’t have to live with you one more night
and in your dying breath even you agree it’s best this way.
That what I’m not supposed to tell you?
TREMAIN
Yeah. That.
CARLO
Fair enough. Mums the word.
TREMAIN
Good.
CARLO
Glad you’re happy.
TREMAIN
Carlo, tell me why we’re together again?
CARLO
Because I tell it like it is.
TREMAIN
You know what? I don’t want to hear how it is anymore.
I’m sick of that shit.
CARLO
Ok. Mums the word.
TREMAIN
I’m serious.
CARLO
Sure, Tremain.
TREMAIN
I’m getting really tired of your always trying to correct me,
fix me, make me how you see fit, like you’re better than me.
CARLO
But it’s true.
TREMAIN
That’s it. You crossed the line, Carlo!
As of this moment we are officially breaking up!
CARLO
Sure, whatever.
TREMAIN
Good. Goodbye, Carlo.
CARLO
I’m not moving out. And neither are you.
TREMAIN
Oh shit, now I remember why we’re together.
CARLO
$4,000 dollar mortgage brought us together
and $4,000 dollar mortgage will keep us together.
TREMAIN
Shit.
CARLO
Listen to you, Tremain.
TREMAIN
What?
CARLO
Shit. Shit. Shit. Do you have to be so crude?
You should be more like me, patient, forgiving, civil.
TREMAIN
I’m gonna kill you.
CARLO
No, that was my fantasy. It’s I who will kill you. In your sleep.
But not in our bed. I don’t want your remains ruining our bed.
Hey, loverboy, you wanna sleep on the couch tonight?
TREMAIN
Very funny, Carlo.
CARLO
We’re already like an old married couple.
TREMAIN
Oh god.
December 9, 2025
He got a new Win 11 computer. It asked him to assign a pin. He did, but didn’t write down the numbers. Next day he couldn’t get into his new computer. He also couldn’t remember his Microsoft account sign-in to change the forgotten pin. His new computer has been sitting on his desk for two weeks, unused. He wrote a scathing long hand letter to Microsoft saying he couldn’t believe that they required him to use old school paper and pen to keep track of his modern computer. They wrote back after checking his account and told him they wiped his old pin, but that it was 1234 and it was as weak as his criticisms of them. Fed up, he used the same pin and immediately downloaded a Linux distro so he would not have to use Win 11. Take that, he said to no one.
December 11, 2025
I realize this month’s postings have been hit or miss. My excuse? I caught a nasty cold a week ago and have been battling it ever since. It’s no fun trying to be creative when my throat feels like sandpaper, my nose is running like a mini Niagara Falls and all I want to do is go back to bed. Oh, by the way, could someone please tell me why in the fuck they have not invented a cure for the common cold?! What, they too busy working on hair restorers?
December 12, 2025
I’m feeling like death warmed over but I have a deadline I have to file today. I turn on my computer and find that the Ethernet is out, Wi-Fi is super spotty and the new multifunction printer will not fax, scan or recognize my router, all of which are needed to file the deadline script. This started at 5AM and did not get resolved until 10:20. I spent 5 hours on various phone calls, searching the Internet to find how to fix my issues and tons of trial and error. There were loopy configuration issues, automatic driver downloads that were wrong and other various massive time wasting efforts to right the ship. However, the deadline has been met and I am beat. I'm going back to bed. Sigh.
December 13, 2025
It’s mid-December and the bears have yet to hibernate. At 3 in the morning the dogs jump up from their sleep and start barking at something outside. I look out the window and see a bear in the yard. No, two bears! Even though the ursines stay for maybe 15 minutes, the dogs are on alert until sunrise. Once again, I going back to bed. I’m sensing a theme here in December.
December 14, 2025
I got sent an AI family Christmas card that looked so fake it was annoying. It was a real family wishing me all the best from a fake family picture. I called the family who sent it and asked why they just didn’t include a real family pic instead of this made up monstrosity. They said their kids refused to be in it after they learned that Santa wasn’t real and they agreed to no longer participate in the lies. So they sent a fake card instead? Huh?
December 15, 2025
It’s 50F this morning! This is all kinds of wrong. I’m marvelling at how stupid warm it is when I hear faint sobbing coming from our barn. I go down to see what’s going on and find our snowmobile softly crying in its bay.
It’s pointing to a calendar on the wall that shows it’s mid-December and there isn’t a lick of snow to be seen. No snow!, it sobs. In Canada!, it whimpers. I comfort the distraught machine as best I can and promise to talk to those in charge of the weather. It thanks me and tells me to do my best. Ok, so does anybody have the address of the weather people?
December 16, 2025
Why isn’t the orange gasbag dead already? So many people desire it. Who is he to deny the people? Oh, and they say to take the hillbilly with you. There, that’s tidy.
December 17, 2025
A friend’s wife called to say they are having a birthday party for her husband and can I come. Before I could answer, she said, it’s a costume party. You have to come in a costume. I told her I’m not dressing up in a costume, so no, I will not be coming. She said I was the 4th person to turn her down. I asked her why she wanted everyone in a costume. I dunno, she said, it sounded like fun. Instead, I sent my friend a Get Well card which made as much sense as his 46th birthday costume party.
December 19, 2025
I’m in a large chain grocery and in the cookie aisle, I pass a 10 year old opening various packages of cookies, eating a few out of each and discarding the rest on the floor. By his 3rd package, the manager comes down the aisle, grabs the child by the arm and drags him to the front of the store. The kid is crying bloody murder and screaming for his mother, who, as it turns out, was shoplifting meat. They both get caught and the police are called. The last thing I hear is her yelling at the cops that they are ruining her family’s Christmas. And there we have it, other people’s lives, 2025 edition.
December 20, 2025
Overheard two boys at the gym.
-- I hate working out.
-- Then why do you do it?
-- Because hot girls only go out with buff guys.
-- Isn’t being smart enough?
-- Hot girls are stupid. You have to appeal to them on their level.
-- Not me. I want someone I can talk to.
-- Whatever.
-- What are you thinking about right now?
-- Getting Allison Kay in bed. You?
-- If you are writing about your own parents, do you capitalize Mom and Dad?
-- What?! Dude, you’re gonna be alone forever.
December 22, 2025
How do you know you’re getting old? When you watch a movie you think you’ve watched before but don’t remember a single thing about it and rewatch it as if it’s the first time you’ve seen it. My wife and I did that last night and at the end she turned to me and asked, Have we seen that before? I couldn’t remember. That’s when you know you’re getting old.
December 23, 2025
I had a dream with an old friend in it. I haven’t seen him in decades, but he looked exactly as I remember him. I tend to have lots of dreams with all kinds of famous people in them (this one included the film director Wes Anderson), but rarely do I get to interact with friends or family in the ether. But for me, this one was a holiday treat. Say, you been dreaming lately?
December 24, 2025
America elects a pea brained pedophile, rapist, 34 time convicted felon and they wonder why the country is so messed up. As Homer Simpson would say, Duh. Merry Christmas? Merry anything?
December 25, 2025
Overheard a couple at a coffee shop.
-- Every year we do it at Carol and Pete’s. Why are we doing Christmas in Canada and not at your sister’s?
-- Because I refuse to cross the border into the US.
-- Yeah, border patrol goons. ICE goons. National Guard goons. DC politics filled with fascist bootlickers. Nice Christmas spirit, America.
-- They would arrest Jesus if he tried to enter.
-- Hey, he’s wearing sandals, he must be a lefty liberal! Arrest him! Send him to El Salvador! But I’m Jesus! It’s my birthday! Papers, you bearded asshole.
-- Has it ever occurred to them that they are being led down the drain by a brain dead criminal filled with nothing but contempt and hate?
-- Obviously not. Look at the place now -full of fear and repugnance fomented by an unloved loser.
-- Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all. Except my sister.
December 27, 2025
We here at Keith Ryan Publishing wish you the best for 2026. And really, could it be any worse than 2025? Don’t answer that.
December 29, 2025
And why was 2025 so horrible for so many people? Well, you know the government phrase, If you see something say something? I’m saying Trump is a piece of shit and the sole reason 2025 was seen as a year of crap. Let’s face it, Donnie shit the bed in 2025. Gosh, you think it might behoove America to change the fucking sheets?
December 31, 2025
Last day of the month, last day of the year. Meh. When it’s the last day of Trump. Whoo hoo. Frankly, propping up and shielding this malignant loser and his dumbfuck minions is inexcusable, unforgivable and exhausting. America lost its mind in 2025. Will they in 2026?
