January 2, 2026
Baby Sherry was too smart for the Memphis family she was born into. At 2 months she could play the entire Brandenburg Concerto, soloing on every instrument. But her family loved country music in it’s simplest and stupidest form. Why didn’t baby Sherry play the guitar and sing about trucks and liquor, drugs and divorce? Who the hell was this Bach fellow anyway? After baby Sherry debuted as a soloist with the Vienna Symphony Orchestra, they threw her out of the house on her 2nd birthday, fed up with her highfalutin classical music ways.
Sherry moved in with a waitress she met at the Waffle House. By the age of 3 she had climbed Mount Everest and won Jeopardy’s Tournament of Champions. At 5 she won the F1 world championship in a car that she designed and built in a shed behind the Waffle House. That same year she made it to the Stanley Cup Finals with the Nashville Predators only to have the team let her down and fall short in game 7. Her athletic career came to an end when she branched out into cosmology and astrophysics proving that Einstein didn’t know what the hell he was talking about and Copernicus was a drunk.
She married the Waffle House waitress at 8, divorced at 9 and at age 10 ran for President of the United States. But America knew that only the stupid can do that. Already a polyglot (she spoke 17 languages), she applied for French citizenship but before the papers could come through, ironically choked on a waffle at age 10, ending her brief life of accomplishment and notoriety. They buried her in an unmarked grave behind the Waffle House that caused her death so that everybody would immediately forgot about baby Sherry and the country could revel in ignorance once more.
Moral of the story? In America, stupid is smart, something to be lauded and revered so that no one ever stops to wonder what’s so smart about that.
