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KeithSpeak - October 2023


October 1, 2023
Harold married above his pay grade. It was a fluke. Ginny, Harold's sexy new wife, thought Harold was already rich because he drove a Tesla. But once the ceremony was over and she could legally see his tax returns, only then did she realize her error. And her error was Harold. So she laid it out for him: he has to make more money if he was to keep his bombshell wife in the style to which she aspires. Anything less, and well... Soon, Harold was working 3 jobs and getting 3 hours of sleep a night. He was too tired to make love to his gorgeous wife and that was perfectly ok with Ginny, actually preferred. Ginny put Harold under immense pressure to buy her all the things she wanted and in his attempt to fulfill her wishes, Harold died at the age of 31. At the funeral, Ginny brought a date. Other people's lives.
October 2, 2023
Janice had a nosy neighbour. The woman was always sneaking around, lurking, gleaning what she could and then badmouthing Janice everywhere. It made Janice uncomfortable and defensive. She had asked the neighbour to stop spying on her and making up stories but it all persisted. In desperation, Janice hired a "private detective" (her cousin Lenny) to dig up dirt on the nosy woman. He found out that she was in arrears on her property tax. He produced a copy of the tax law and with great gusto read:
If taxes remain unpaid at the end of three years,
the property is publicly auctioned at a tax sale to recover the taxes owing.
So basically, Janice could make a successful bid, pay the back taxes and own the house. Janice smiled for the first time in months. Now she could dream of a future without this despicable woman in it, and in fact, Janice would get to be the one who throws the nosy busybody out on her keister. She smiled again. She had a plan. A way out. A light at the end of the tunnel. Janice took a deep breath and noticed how the air smelled a little bit sweeter.
October 3, 2023
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Raise your hand if you're sick of
Over the hill musicians telling us how to live the redneck right wing way and toxic GOP politicians talking out their ass about shit they know nothing about and feel faux outrage for. Oh, and that whore Ryan Seacrest.
October 4, 2023
I have to go out of the country until Saturday. It's only a few days and when I return everyone will be so happy to see me back that they will rejoice and throw flowers and stuff. Or not. Either way, later, my pretties.
October 7, 2023
The weather was beautiful, the trip was fast and furious and now I'm back. I can't say anything about the excursion (sworn to secrecy!) and I haven't done anything worth mentioning since my return so that leaves me with nothing to say. Maybe manaña?
October 8, 2023
Have you ever hired someone for something and they turned out to be a real gem? They were thorough and competent, did what they said they'd do, for the amount they said they would do it for in the time they said it would take. Why is it so notable to find a reliable and honest tradesperson? It's because you always hear about the duds, the ripoffs, the scam artists and the lawsuits and liens people have to fight through. But what if there was no drama? No mistakes. No lies. No excuses. No jacked up prices. Shut up! Unicorns do exist. Do too.
October 9, 2023
A bear dug a substantial hole under our page wire fence to get into our field. I went up yesterday with a whole bunch of big rock to fill in the hole. This morning I went to see if all was intact and a saw that a mere 3 feet away, the bear dug another new entry hole. Does he/she exit the field via the same route? No, he/she climbs out over the top of the 8 foot page wire fence, bending and breaking the wire and the posts holding it as it manages to get out. Now I have to go fix the damage. I can't help it, I'm beginning to think this bear doesn't respect what my time is worth. Bad bear. Bad bad bear.
October 10, 2023
Spoke to a friend who is having a hard time. There was nothing I could do to help, but he got to unload his burdens and I guess that's what he needed to do. We used to be close a long time ago, but have drifted apart. Still, he called, I listened, that's what friends do.
October 11, 2023
Because of all the forest fires up here these past few years, it has forced many of us to think of the items we would take with us if we had to evacuate our homes. Everybody suggests they would save family pictures, heirlooms, jewelry, art and paintings, recipes, etc. But I have never heard anyone say what I would take first: The hard copy file folder with every username and password to every site I have ever given a username and password to. That little precious folder will allow me to fully and completely resurrect my online life exactly as it was before my desktop computer got burned up. Do YOU have any idea where you've been online, where you logged in, what usernames and passwords you have used, what auto payments are coming out of which sites, etc? To me, that folder is my family pictures, my heirlooms, my jewelry.
Oh but Keith, I use a password manager.
Password manager? What makes you think you're going to remember your login to the password manager after the gut wrenching trauma of having your home just burn down and no place to live? My guess is you'll be processing a lot more important life choices than remembering your passwords.
Well what if I write down on a piece of paper the login to the password manager? That's all I'd need, right?
What if your 3rd party password manager goes bust taking all your data with it? What if they have a fire? Backup in the cloud is no good if you can't remember how to get into the cloud. So unless you printed out a hard copy...
Ok, what if I just want to wipe the slate clean and start all over from day one with a new computer and a new home and I pretend I have no past online life?
Do you have any auto payments being deducted automatically every month or year from any site you signed up for? Do you know what they are? And how to get in to cancel? What about your online bank accounts and investments? You don't want to get into those? How about - Look, all I'm saying is your online life may be just as important to you as some family heirloom. In thinking of what you're going to take in case of evacuation, THINK! - How is saving what you're saving going to benefit you in putting your life back together after a devastating fire? That's what's important. That's what should matter to you.
October 13, 2023
This lifetime is about you. You can make it about others, you can spread yourself thin in the benefit of others, but that is just bad self-care. If you do not take care of yourself first, your "help" to others will eventually beat you up, drain you and take a toll on you. In the end, your lack of self-care will hurt you way more than anyone you "helped". Capish?
October 14, 2023
I've absolutely nothing to say. Lucky you?
October 16, 2023
If you're coming to our house, this is the gate you come through. With all the negative space, it won`t necessarily keep anything out, but it will welcome all who come in. It`s a bit of art in steel, a warm welcome, a handmade joy to behold. Life's little treasures, eh.
October 17, 2023
He was a brick layer from North Africa and had just spent a year travelling and working in North America. I wondered what he thought.
What is your impression of Canadians?
Their reputation is justly deserved. They are polite and considerate of others. When they inquire after you, they are sincere not superficial. They are a progressive nation with a healthy outlook on life. They are interested in the rest of the world. But the real gem of this country is its spectacular and enormous scenery. Canada is its amazing land. Its people are rooted and sane because of this amazing land. It is easy to see why the rest of the world believes Canada is nice.
The US?
A nation of needy babies. They are selfish and inhumane toward other cultures. They are warmongers who have been led by some of the biggest fools and frauds ever. The people are loud, pompous, bombastic, self-centered and violent. They are a narcissistic nation with guns for everyone and billions and billions of bombs but no fucking health care. Their priorities are twisted, fear based and fostered by some of the dumbest politicians on the globe. They think money is a god and they pray to it in the most heinous of ways. Whether they see it or not, they are an empire in decline.
And Mexico?
My goodness, they are some of the warmest people on Earth. They are family oriented, supportive of their own and others and they are very hard workers. It was a real pleasure to travel and work in Mexico and see what a beautiful country they have. Their culture is vibrant and fun and it was by far my favorite place.
And there you have it, through the eyes of someone from some other place: Canada is nice; the US is a dump; and Mexico is the glory of our continent. Interesting, no?
October 18, 2023
A neighbour stopped by and asked if I would watch his cat. I thought he was going away and wanted someone to feed him. But that wasn't it at all. He wanted me to literally watch his cat while it did tricks. The neighbour taught him to sit, roll over, leap into the air, high five and meow on command. When they were done, I was a little confused. Do I praise the neighbour for teaching his cat dog tricks or do I applaud the cat for flawlessly executing his learned moves? It felt like being out somewhere and wondering if I should tip and how much.
October 19, 2023
Overheard two women at a clothing store.
-- I'm going to buy it.
-- It looks great on you.
-- Gerald will kill me when he sees how expensive it is.
-- Don't tell him, show him.
-- What do you mean?
-- Put that sexy dress on and parade it in front of him and when he asks how much it cost look him straight in the eye and ask, Do you want me to take it off?
-- What's that gonna do?
-- Before he even answers, strip. Just don't wear anything underneath so you are naked when it's off. Then ask, Is this better? and have sex with Gerald. From then on he'll love you in that dress. I guarantee it.
-- If you say so.
-- I do. Men only want one thing.
October 20, 2023
Dear Keith,
I take exception to that last post and her derisive statement about men only wanting one thing. I think that woman is a lesbian. There are lots of things I want. A boat, for instance. We don't live near water or anything so my wife isn't too crazy on the boat issue but at least she isn't a lesbian. I just wanted to set the record straight.
Dear Steve,
Pun intended?
Dear Keith,
What pun?
Dear Steve,
Unintended. Blind squirrels and acorns and such.
Dear Keith,
I didn't say anything about squirrels. Wait, is that another name for lesbians?
Dear Steve,
Have a nice day.
October 21, 2023
An update from a reprint.
 April 9, 2021
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There are currently 34 active criminal lawsuits against the loser known as the One Term Twice Impeached Orange Twat
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There are currently 91 felony charges against the loser known as the One Term Twice Impeached Orange Twat
Even better
October 23, 2023
He thought she was lazy and told her so. She said the only reason she gets out of bed in the morning is to feed the cats, otherwise, she wouldn't bother at all. He asked her if she was depressed. She didn't know. He asked her if she wanted to see someone about this lethargy. She didn't know. He was worried but already late for work so he had to leave, but on his way out, looking for silver linings, he thought that the cats looked exceptionally healthy.
October 24, 2023
Some friends who live high in the mountains got 30 centimeters of snow last night. Usually the first snowfall of the season is admired for its beauty but in this case not so much as it collapsed the roof on a shed that was storing 20 bags of concrete, now just 20 wet concrete bricks a hundred pounds apiece. I could have been a terrible friend and a smug bastard and told them that living down in the valley was waaaay better than being on top of a mountain where all the bad weather is, so I did. Tee hee.
October 25, 2023
On his first trip to England he fell in love with beans. "They have them with everything!" Seems they didn't have beans where he came from. "My god, imagine if we did!" He especially loved baked beans at breakfast. "Where I come from, we don't even have breakfast! Let alone beans for breakfast!" After that, he knew he could never go home to that beanless place. So he became yet another illegal immigrant, amazingly, lured to England because of their cuisine. Go figure.
October 27, 2023
He was pitching his latest idea to a studio. "Let's make tragedy fun! No one is doing that! If you don't know whether to laugh or cry, we got you covered - do both! The world is a horrible place, am I right, so I think it's the perfect time for a tragicomedy. You know, so we can laugh at our god awful shared experience and cry over how much worse it could get. Come on, who's with me!"
Funding did not follow.
October 29, 2023
Overheard two kids in the grocery.
-- Don't tell me what to do!
-- I'm the oldest. That means you are my slave. Now get me those cookies. Hurry up.
-- You're not the boss of me!
-- I'm the oldest! Those cookies! Now!
-- Mommmmmm! I don't want to be Darcy's slave!
-- Lucas! Cookies! Now!
-- Mommmmmmmmmmmmm!
October 30, 2023
I have a meeting today that I'm kind of dreading. I have to deal with finances on a project that has some pretty big numbers. And there is liability involved, which ramps up the dread. No one said learning experiences were going to be unicorns and rainbows, but at this point, I'd like to know why not. Why not a cake and ice cream extravaganza where the love flows and harmony is the order of the day? Why does it have to be a mudslinging, torturous crawl through a mine field littered with legal booby traps and adversarial advantages? Ack, either way, I'm going in. There will be blood, I just hope it's not too much of mine.
October 31, 2023
As he left for a trip, she said, Don't do anything I wouldn't do. This made him very nervous as she was prone to doing anything that came into her head. So was she giving him a free pass or giving herself one?

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