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KeithSpeak- November 2012


November 1, 2012
Just today, nostalgia crept over me like warm syrup. Before I knew it I was slipping back into the past. As we all know, my life has been a splendid affair, so naturally there was tons of good stuff to wallow around in, but when I was done with my reveries, and back to this moment, I surmised that starting the month off with a Flash From The Past seemed appropriate. Long winded, but appropriate.
Nothing gets old faster than reading the comments section of an online article. These mini screeds are full of ignorance, partisan stupidity and trolls. They're the human equivalent of food stuck in your teeth. 
November 2, 2012
At one time this place held the hopes and aspirations of someone. Someone had the desire and energy to build it, to make a go of it, to try. Abandoned and forlorn, a remaining eyewitness to the ongoing changes that made it obsolete, this sad place now marks time as a testament to someone's dreams.
November 3, 2012
I've been waiting on something for two weeks. Each day I assume it will arrive and each day it doesn't. Then I get up the next day, excited, pretty sure it's gonna come then, but it doesn't. But one morning it will arrive, and I shall act like I have every other day it didn't. Did that make sense?
November 4, 2012
It doesn't matter who you are or what story just got told, there are few feelings better than being genuinely amused.
November 5, 2012
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I can't wait for the US elections to be over so I no longer have to witness the commercial oversaturation of disingenuous lying political hacks lying disingenuously ad nauseam on my TV.
Now I'm so worked up I can't even remember the last line of my poem. Great.
November 6, 2012
After explaining my position in a certain thing, someone said to me, Oh, so you're gaming the system. No I wasn't! I vehemently denied that, then took a calming breath and slowly explained like I was talking to a four year old that I had no intention of gaming the system and if that's what it appeared to be, it was a mirage, an illusion, an imaginary fabrication built around a supposition, a wrong supposition, and that if anything, I was upstanding and played by the rules. I was fair and played fair. How dare he. He just said, Nah-uh. Sigh.
November 7, 2012
-- This is miserable.
-- Tell me about it.
-- It's gotta be 35 below.
-- I know. I can't believe Margaret didn't put any gas in the truck.
-- I can't feel my toes anymore. We're gonna die out here.
-- Think warm thoughts.
-- Like how I want to kill Margaret?
-- Hey, that's my sister you're talking about. I thought you fancied her.
-- I didn't say I wouldn't do her, I just said I want to kill her.
-- Ok then.
-- Seriously, if I do die out here, kill her for me.
-- But she's my sister.
-- Kill her.
-- I dunno...
-- Kill her.
-- Ok.
November 8, 2012
I have this note on my desktop.
I have no idea what it refers to. That's probably bad, right?
November 9, 2012
Man, is it snowing. Maddie is in the yard, on her back, asleep, slowly getting covered. Sophie is under a birch tree chewing on twigs. As of 9:46AM, all is well in our world. How's it going in yours?
November 10, 2012
"It's underwhelming." That was said to me by a producer who had just finished reading a tight script I wrote. "Do you think you could fix it?" he asked. What would you like me to fix? I answered. He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know, you're the writer." I told him I would give it a whirl. I went back and changed the names of two characters and relocated them to a different city. Everything else was left the way it was. I brought him the revised script. He read it and complimented me on the new characters. "This is so much better," he acknowledged. This time it was I who shrugged.
November 11, 2012
Was having a few beers with a friend at a pub. Two tables over this guy's cell phone kept ringing. His ring tone was AC/DCs Back In Black. He would listen to Brian Johnson scream for 20 seconds before saying, That's my favorite part, and then he would answer the phone. The fifth time it happened, everybody in the pub wanted to strangle the guy. Fortunately, the manager walked over to the table, picked up the guy's phone and turned it off. She said, I hate AC/DC. When she walked away, everyone in the pub clapped.
November 12, 2012
-- Jeanie, will you get out of the bathroom, I have to use it.
Puff puff.
-- Come onnnnn, Jeanie, I have to go! I'm serious.
Puff puff.
-- What are you doing in there? Why don't you answer me?
-- Jeanie are you all right? Do you need my help?
Sniff sniff.
-- Is that smoke?
Puff puff.
-- Jeanie, are you lying in your underwear smoking in the tub again? Jeanie, answer me.
Puff puff.
-- Jean Elaine Bushman you are by far the hottest girl I have ever dated. You are also the weirdest. If you want me I'll be in the backyard peeing.
November 13, 2012
I'm up at the top of our driveway plowing the 4 inches of snow we got when I hear the distinct sound of a V-twin motorcycle. Really? I turn off the tractor and wait. Up the snow covered road rides our neighbor. He skids to a stop when he sees me. I politely ask him what the hell he's doing riding his motorcycle in the snow. He told me he has two more weeks left on his insurance and he was damn well gonna use 'em. Then he pulled away, fishtailing the bike in the greasy snow, nearly losing control, committed to his dangerous fun.
November 14, 2012
An Unfinished Thought:
For many people, living with little to no money is a way of life. Can one be happy living that way? Can one still have a fulfilling and rewarding life if one has no money? And just what does living a rich life mean? Because we know that personal development and spiritual awakening aren't related to the Benjamins, because if they were, that would mean a buffoon like Donald Trump would be among the most advanced dudes on the planet. And that's hardly even imaginable, let alone an example of the truth, given the cretin he appears to be.
November 15, 2012
Went to see a new house under construction. In the middle of the house was a glass enclosed bathroom. It was really cool looking, but everything was on display, including the people who'd be using it, which had to be the point I guess, but ugh. Then we went out back where they were digging a country club worthy Olympic sized 50 meter swimming pool in the almost too small backyard. They had to put it on an angle to fit it in. Scale wise it totally overwhelmed everything including the house, the construction equipment and the people working on it. But the coup de grâce? A glass garage. Unless they had antique cars to admire from within, which I learned they didn't, then I can't even conceive of another plausible reason to build such a thing. When all taken together, this place was quite the fevered uber extravaganza.
November 16, 2012
Now that's a first date.
November 17, 2012
A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. -- Bob Dylan
Amen, brother.
November 18, 2012
I knew a guy who was a joke writer for a late night comedian. He said there was constant pressure to produce jokes. He told me he was contractually obligated to deliver 5 pages of jokes a day, every day. He said the pressure finally got to him. He got writer's block and became unfunny. The late night comedian fired him. He paints houses now. "Houses don't give a crap if you're funny," he told me.  
November 19, 2012
I'm standing in line at the bank and at the exact moment I turn my head to look distractedly out the window to the street, two cars crash head on into each other. Both cars were going maybe ten miles an hour. Both drivers leap out and start yelling at each other. My head turns back to the teller, What?, it's my turn. Drat. It was just getting good.
November 20, 2012
 -- Honey, you know that pond we have out back?
-- Sure.
-- And you know our little red car? The one you love so much?
-- Uh-huh.
-- Well...
-- What, you got it stuck in the mud down by the pond?
-- Not exactly.
-- What exactly.
-- It's in the lake with grandma in the back seat and baby Louie in his car seat and there's dynamite in the trunk as I was going to surprise you and blow up those gophers you hate so much like they did in Caddyshack only my cell rang and I went to look at the call display to see if it was you because I love hearing your calming voice, it helps quiet all the other voices in my head, the ones telling me to drive straight into the water-
-- Are they still in there!
-- That pond is so shallow. The car is resting on the bottom. There's plenty of air inside. They can get out the sunroof. They're cool. You want me to make you something to eat?
-- Are you crazy! My god, that's my mother and our baby in there! I'm coming, Ma! Hold your breath!
-- My, everyone's in such a hurry! You didn't even ask me how I managed to escape. You got all caught up in your mother. Mamma this and Mamma that. And baby Louie's crying his head off and he won't shut up and the voices are saying they know how to make things quiet in that little red car you love so much. Who's hungry?! I'm going to make us some lunch.
November 21, 2012
You're all snuggled up on your couch in your pajamas, eating from a bowl of warm popcorn and watching a good movie on your big screen TV, when an alien materializes in your living room and asks if you'd like to visit his home planet. Di-lemma! Do you give up your comfort and contentment to try something new and completely different?
November 22, 2012
For those pessimistically embracing the Mayan calendar ending, a month from now won't exist.
November 23, 2012
I almost went to vet school in Africa. Nairobi. I wonder how that would have changed my life. Of course, there is a probable me living that very life, and perhaps wondering about the writer me. Or not.
November 25, 2012
Much like the Mona Lisa, it was difficult to tell if the inscrutable look on baby Jasmine's face was one of amusement, disgust or pity.
November 26, 2012
I stopped to talk to a woman walking her dog. I asked the dog's name and she said Snickerdoodle. Like the cookie? Exactly! she replied. Seems she was baking a batch of snickerdoodle cookies when this stray came up to her back door and scratched at the screen. He really needed a good meal and a bath, she let on. That was five years ago and he's been with me ever since. He's the best boy! She ruffled his fur, he wagged his tail. Good on them, finding each other. Love is love.
November 27, 2012
Man has all these rules and regulations, codes, bylaws, modern dogma that must be obeyed or trouble will follow you all your days. But rules are nothing more than guidelines for people who need boxes to fit into, labels to attach to everything and stereotypes to the norm to adhere to. Me, I'm more inclined to wander about and do what I want. And look how well I turned out. Did too.
November 28, 2012
I've had a beard since I was 18. I shaved it once. Sue and I got drunk one lovely afternoon and decided to see who was underneath all the hair. First off, if you haven't shaved your face in decades, wielding a razor on it in an inebriated condition is not highly advised. Secondly, neither of us were prepared for the shock of what I looked like without a beard. It wasn't "me". He was kinda scary actually. He looked like a criminal. He looked like his name was Rolf. It was too much to bear. I started growing my beard back immediately. Soon I was my old self again. Whew.
November 29, 2012
We watched this alleged "comics" show last night where about 8 of the most seriously unfunny stand ups came onstage and did their look how neurotic/crazy/unstable I can be! shtick, all of whom had obviously done so many drugs that they thought what they were saying was actually funny, when it really wasn't, not at all, just stupid unremarkable observations about the life of a loser stand up who did so many drugs that... Out of the 8, one guy was funny, one women scored with about half her jokes, but the rest of them just stunk up the joint and have no rights to call themselves comics, only "comics" will do for that lot.
November 30, 2012
A couple of upcoming flights were booked and ever since my spam from the airlines has gotten to be a daily occurrence. Like I don't pay them enough already that now I have to be subjected to this. Me, I can't wait for teleportation.

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KeithSpeak                                December 2012


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