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KeithSpeak- November 2011



November 1, 2011
                                 I don't know where this bar is, but I want to go there.
November 2, 2011
I found a charm bracelet. Does that mean I'm charmed for having found it and that the person who lost it is decharmed? Uncharmed? Charmless? Who cares, the power of the charms are now mine! Drat, it doesn't fit over my manly wrist. Cripes, what do you do with charms you can't use? Where's the charm in that? Oh, cruel world.
November 3, 2011
A 20 something business associate dropped by my office. I had on Pink Floyd in the background and after a bit he asks me what the music is. I look at him like he's pulling my leg. It's Dark Side of the Moon, I say. It's quite nice, he tells me. I can't believe he's never heard this before. It's considered one of the most iconic rock albums ever recorded, it's been on the charts for 25 years, it's sold 50 million copies, Are you for real? He says he is. I can't help it, I wonder if he's ever heard of the Beatles.
November 4, 2011
You're moving! Here! Ack.
November 5, 2011
I turn onto a residential road and am following a car whose tailpipe is dragging along the street throwing off sparks. It's also making enough of a racket that when the driver reaches a stop sign, he gets out to see what all the fuss is about. At the rear he spies the flopping tailpipe and incredibly, he grabs it. Hot, it burns his hands. Mad, he kicks at it and appears to hurt his foot. Hobbling back to the driver's side he slams the door and squeals his tires pulling away. Smoke, noise, heat, sparks, anger, injury - this event had it all.
November 6, 2011
Context is crucial. If you can't put a relative value on something because you've no context for it, then treasures can be diminished, conclusions can be jumped and conspiracy theories catch fire. This can easily become a death spiral where defences are impotent and miraculously horrible stuff happens. But there is a simple way out. Reference everything and your problems will be over. Will too.
November 7, 2011
For his doctoral thesis, Timmy Munchausen decided to mess with the matrix. The atom disassembly and dispersal went off without a hitch, but there were apparent problems with the reassembly portion of the experiment. In the end, the university couldn't decide whether to give him one doctorate degree or 671 to cover all the separate Timmy pieces.
November 8, 2011
The temperature has been in minus numbers and we have a bit of snow so all the songbirds are clustered outside my office window imploring me to put up the seed feeder. The trouble is the bears are not yet hibernating so putting out food is a splendid way to attract them. I explained this to my little feathered friends but none of them were buying it. Occupy Keith is in full swing.
November 9, 2011
A convenience store is robbed. The clerk says that staring down the barrel of a gun he saw his life flash before his eyes. "It made me sad. My life has been a waste. I have done nothing memorable. I wanted to be put out of my misery. So I started begging the robber to shoot me. But that freaked him out. He said that robbing the store was his way of calling out for help. He broke down and gave me the gun. Next thing I know, the cops are here - and I'm holding the gun! I almost got killed twice! At least I know that next time my life flashes before my eyes, I will have something good to watch."
November 10, 2011
Most people's sense of self is easily influenced by the words of others because most people have not defined their own self worth. That's why calling other people names is childish but effective.
November 11, 2011
For those who think power and light comes from a utility company.
November 12, 2011
"Politicians and diapers should be changed frequently and all for the same reason." Jose Maria de Eca de Queiroz
November 13, 2011
A wife goes to a gals only party and discovers that her husband is the hired stripper for the evening's entertainment. She didn't know this was a sideline of his. They have a huge fight. She storms out, he follows her. When they get home, the wife demands that he perform his act for her. Her intention was to ridicule and humiliate him, instead she got royally turned on. Conflicted, hot and bothered, she didn't know what she would do next.
November 14, 2011
The original Tunnel of Love was so short, the locals referred to it as the Tunnel of Quickie, and was the inspiration for the Tina Turner song, What's Love Got To Do With It.
November 15, 2011
This week we have a local election for mayor and town council. It's a parade of uninspired person after uninspired person. I don't want any of them representing me. These candidates have ideas, hopes and notions that don't have anything to do with my ideas, hopes or notions. Therefore, I have no choice but to govern myself.
  Keith Ryan  
There, that's done.
November 16, 2011
How's this for incongruous: I was passed by an exquisite blue Ferrari - with snow tires on it. Say what? Who drives a $200,000 car in snow? And how does a supercar handle with snow tires? And can you go 180 MPH on snow tires? And how can snow tires possibly deal with 560 horsepower? This was to say nothing of the Frankencar-ish Ferrari-meets-monster-truck look. As it rolled by at a moderate speed, I swear I could feel the embarrassment of the little blue Ferrari.
November 17, 2011
This is the laziest hunter ever. Dude puts a salt lick out in a field by his house. He puts a camera next to it so he can see from his computer if a deer is using it. In his den he has a high powered rifle mounted on a tripod sticking through a window and aimed directly at the salt lick. The rifle is wired to his computer. All he has to do is click his mouse and it shoots the gun. Ugh. That's not even clever, just lazy and despicable.
November 18, 2011
Hello ladies and the girls! I make sexy for you! Please, I am wanting to be hot for you. Can you feel smolder? Cigarette in kitchen is sexy! I bet you are seducing me now! You will be disappointing for sure! Remember, I am waiting! Call me (if wife answers, say you are wrong calling).
November 19, 2011
Something takes much longer to complete than anticipated. Does that make it that much sweeter when it is finally accomplished or does that make one bitter and sour for the delay and extended time necessary to finish?
November 20, 2011
I read about a nude cruise where all the passengers are naked, but the captain and crew wear clothes. When several female passengers complained that it felt voyeuristic being ogled by dressed people, the captain made it about his comfort, not theirs, by declaring, "If I were naked I'd be just like everybody else! No one would know I was captain!" Ironically, by showing his ego he was as exposed as anybody else on that boat.
November 21, 2011
When we moved to this quiet, rural town two and a half decades ago, talk was about quality of life, the unspoiled natural beauty and the charms of small town living. Now the dialogue is about jobs, attracting more stores to consume crap from and how to lure industry here. Sadly, these concepts are antithetical; you can really only have one without the other.
November 22, 2011
When I see something like this, the first thing that comes to mind is someone has too much money,
then I think about the craftsmanship, the whimsy, the artistic effect, the work involved.
November 23, 2011
It's 2011, why don't we yet have a way to differentiate keys? I currently have 7 keys on my keychain that I have no idea what they go to anymore. Why can't someone invent a way to identify them? I would prefer something audio where I can touch the key in a certain spot and it will say, "office door" or whatever. Also I need it to be biometric so it will play the audio identifier only if it recognizes my fingerprint (wouldn't want some stranger finding your keys and suddenly having access to all your stuff). That's it. Jeez, is that too much to ask?
November 24, 2011
I met a guy named Royce. Everything was Royce this and Royce that and I'm sure I had never met anyone more in love with their name than this guy. Imagine, he dreamed out loud, if America had been discovered by a cool guy named Royce. They'd all be living in the United States of Royce now! How awesome would that be?! Royce had it all: the name, the imagination, the impossible dreams. Frankly, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. 
November 25, 2011
The band was called Hey Buckaroos! I asked the guitarist what that meant. He shrugged and said he didn't know but he thought it was funny as hell. I asked him if they played funny songs, are they a funny group? He said no, they were serious musicians. Then why would you name yourselves Hey Buckaroos!? Like a teacher in class calling on him for the correct answer, he timidly ventured, Drugs? Yes, of course. Class dismissed.
November 26, 2011
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Alarm clocks are for throwing across the room and gouging a hole in the drywall for waking me up in the middle of the night in the middle of a dream that I can't remember now but I'm sure was awesome. Was too.
And I love you.
November 27, 2011
Scientists call all the energy propelling planets and galaxies apart, dark energy, because they don't know what it is. But dark implies sinister, evil, scary. The universe is ripping itself apart! Run! Whereas if they had called it light energy, it would have a whole different connotation. Silly scientists.
November 28, 2011
Darth Beetle
November 29, 2011
I am very keen on KeithSpeak. It doesn't matter if no one likes it or everyone loves it. I do this for myself.
November 30, 2011
Someone I used to know who was quite a go-getter got in touch recently and in the course of catching up, I asked him what he was working on now. He said he's given up working. Diminishing returns, he informed me. Seems work took up too much of his time and got progressively uninteresting the more he did it. So he stopped. How awesome is that!

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KeithSpeak                                    December 2011


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