His phone kept ringing but he wouldn’t answer it. His girlfriend was exasperated.
-- Why don’t you answer your phone?
-- Because I don’t want to talk to anyone.
-- But you never answer your phone.
-- It’s probably spam or someone trying to sell me something.
-- That’s jaded. It could be your mom or an emergency.
-- They should just text me.
-- Could you imagine telling Alexander Graham Bell, Nah, I’m not gonna pay attention to your incredible invention right now. Write me a letter.
-- Who’s Alexander Graham Bell?
-- Oh, some telemarketer.
-- That’s what I thought.
-- What if I had to call you? What if it was something important. Would you pick up then?
-- Just text me.
-- Texting is stupid. Why should I have to type out something I could just tell you?
-- Look Lucy, I hate having to be at the beck and call of a ringing phone. Ring ring, answer me! Answer meeeeee! Screw that.
-- But you don’t reply to voicemails either.
-- Just text me.
-- Why don’t you just turn the ringer off?
-- Wait. You can do that?
May 2, 2026
One Halloween, a preacher’s son went trick or treating dressed as the Dalai Lama and two days later the church fired the pastor for “blasphemy”. Hmm, what would Jesus say?
May 3, 2026
My name is Martha and I happen to know a Jesus. He is Jesus Montoya and he works as a custodian in my building, so I had him read the post in KeithSpeak yesterday and asked him what he thought.
-- Lady, it’s pronounced Hay-zus, not Jesus.
-- Yes, but you are a Jesus so I thought I’d see what you have to say.
-- Stop calling me Jesus. I’m Hey-zus.
-- Potato, po-tot-o.
-- What does that mean?
-- Jesus, all I want to know is what you thought of the blasphemy.
-- Lady, what is your name?
-- My full name is Martha Suzanne Echeviera, but if it will make you more comfortable, you can call me Mary, you know, like Jesus’s mom.
-- I think you are racial profiling me, Marta.
-- What?! I thought all you Latinos were Catholic?
-- See, that is what I mean.
-- But your name is Jesus!
-- Hay-zus!
-- Potato, po-tot-o.
-- Jesus Christ!
May 4, 2026
Something I wrote upset some people and they wanted to hash it out. I had no interest in doing that. They called me out on social media. I’m not on social media. They sent demanding, threatening e-mails. These were deleted unopened. Their upsetness wasn't being addressed! Knock knock. They're at my door! Peeping out I see several outraged women and one irate man. If I open the door I will have to deal with their grievances and rehash why I said what I said, which, as I have already said, I have no interest in doing. If I don’t answer the door, well, the ball's in their court, isn't it?
Morale of the story: Attempting to get a pound of flesh from somebody who doesn’t have a scale is pretty futile.
May 5, 2026
For the last month, the waste management company has refused to pick up our neighbour’s garbage. The rest of the road was emptied but his bins remained full. He put them out again this morning, filled to overflowing, and he waited for the truck to come by. When the vehicle again started to bypass his house, he jumped up on the running boards to confront the driver, but then just as quickly jumped off. I was picking up our empty cans and witnessed his about face. I asked him what that was about. He said that he recognized the driver. Oh? I said. It was the guy his daughter was going to marry, but she broke off the engagement when she found someone else. Oh, I said.
May 6, 2026
Overheard a couple in the park.
-- Teresa, let me ask you a question.
-- Ok.
-- I know your family is super religious, but you don’t seem so attached to it. How come?
-- Religion is bullshit. I’m supposed to believe in some invisible, made-up, pie in the sky God? I’m supposed to worship some schmuck named Jesus who lived a million years ago and is probably made-up as well? I’m supposed to follow a church full of pedophiles? Look at the state of the world, Victor. It’s run by assholes, liars and grifters. Unfortunately, these scumbags are more real than any of that fake crap.
-- What do you believe in then?
-- Myself. I know what’s right and wrong. I know what I’m worth. I know who I am. I don’t need any of that fake shit to validate my life.
-- Wow.
-- Yup.
May 7, 2026
Dear Keith,
I read your post of the overheard conversation yesterday and I take exception to her mischaracterization of religion. Religion is necessary, period. Belief in herself is the bullshit part. What does she know? She knows nothing! God knows best, not some heathen punk girl named Teresa on a park bench spouting blasphemy against God and his holy son. It’s a good thing I wasn’t there or I would have beat the daylights out of her! What a foul mouth bitch! Women ought to learn their place! She’s going to rot in hell! Good! Burn baby burn.
Signed,
A follower
Dear follower,
What a sanctimonious, useless diatribe. Beat the daylights out of her? Foul mouth bitch? Women ought to learn their place? God help you ‘cause you need it, buddy.
May 8, 2026
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Could you imagine being a suck up to a brain dead loser like Diaper Donnie
No self-respect, just a fearful desire to pander to an 80 year pussy
So sad.
May 9, 2026
I’ve known him since high school. We played on the same hockey team. He was an enforcer and a bully. Now he is an elected Republican congressman. His son is playing hockey in Canada and he was coming up to see him. He called to ask if I wanted to get together. As a joke, I asked him if he was still a bully. He laughed and said he was a Republican – so of course he was. Even though I was kidding, he wasn’t. I told him not to bother. He said he understood. And that was that.
I am moving something very heavy on a 2 wheel hand truck with a 1,500 pound rating when one of the wheels explodes, the truck drops to that side and the 1,000 pound object slips off to the ground falling on its back. I need it upright to get the hand truck back under it, but I can’t budge the enormously heavy object. It is now in our driveway blocking our vehicle so I can’t go into town and get a replacement tire. I sit out on my deck drinking a beer and contemplating the situation. Nothing comes to mind so I have another. 5 beers in, I still have no idea how to get this ½ ton lump out of my driveway - but I don’t care anymore either. That, my friends, is the magic of alcohol.
May 12, 2026
Overheard a couple at the movies.
-- I think he is so sexy!
-- She’s pretty hot too.
-- They are the perfect on screen couple.
-- Would you do him if I gave you a hall pass?
-- In a heartbeat. Would you have her as well?
-- I would. Maybe we could swap with them.
-- I think that would be so sexy.
-- Me too.
-- It’s a shame it’s a movie. What if we met them in real life?
-- I don’t know, what with all the lighting and makeup and costumes… Maybe they wouldn’t be as appealing.
-- I’d still do him.
-- What am I talking about. I would too.
-- Would you want to swap in real life?
-- With them?
-- No, I mean with anybody. Regular people.
-- I don’t know. Would you?
-- I’m kind of warming to the idea.
-- Huh.
May 13, 2026
For decades I have been using a speedy, bare bones screenwriting program that was originally written for DOS. It was used by professionals for its lack of hand holding and super efficiency. You want fancy? Not with this baby. Anyway, it was never integrated into Windows and thus made it impossible to keep using for modern collaboration. Forced to upgrade to the industry standard scriptwriting software, I now have to wade through all the bells and whistles I never needed before, just to use it like I like. Does this still make me modern?
May 15, 2026
Even if you act like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re still doing something, right? You are still waking up every day making choices, turning right, turning left, standing still in the middle just looking around, whatever. You are doing something. Now, what are you basing these choices on? Figure that out and you will no longer act like you don’t know what you’re doing. Will too.
May 16, 2026
I had to go to an industry event where I had to dress up. I have lots of work clothes, but no “good” clothes. I ended up wearing one of my dad’s suits. We were the same size and since my mom, who had very good taste, always picked out his clothes, the suit wasn’t dated. I can’t tell you how many times people came up to me and said, You clean up well! So is that an insult or a compliment? Hmm.
May 17, 2026
Wait until Trump kicks the bucket and realizes that money is no marker of the man.
-- So these are the pearly gates. They would look better in gold. Gold is the best. Pearl is shit. I thought you would have known that.
-- You think so, huh?
-- Gold made me the MAN. Come on, let me in. I’m Ritchie Rich.
-- What about Epstein?
-- Is he in there? We were best buds, you know. I would love to catch up with him, see what tykes he’s rounded up. People called us pedophiles, but I beat that rap with my sycophant lackeys hiding everything. No one knows what I did.
-- We know. We know everything. You’re up here because we needed to show you what you’re not going to get. See all the people on the other side of these gates laughing at you?
-- I thought those were my MAGAs. I need to be worshiped some more. Come on, open up.
-- Boy, you are a dim bulb. Can’t you guess what you’re not going to get?
-- A gold Cadillac to ride around in? Some of Jeffy Jeffs new girls?
-- No, entrance. What makes you think you deserve to be with the best of humanity?
-- I’m rich! They love me for that! That’s my cult!
-- Wrong, but don't worry, you’ll get to be with your cult soon enough. As a matter of fact, your ride will be here any minute.
A beat up, smoking, belching Pinto arrives with a Mexican chauffeur.
-- You are coming with me, pendejo.
-- Wait, I’m not getting into Heaven? But I’m King Donnie!
-- No pendejo, you are worthless shit. All you did was hoard money, denigrate and belittle people, and be as stupid and corrupt as a man can be in a position of great power designed to help people.
-- Hey, I helped people. I helped all my rich billionaire buddies. They loved me for that.
-- Money is useless, you dimwit. Character is what’s valuable.
-- But I have character!
-- You have nothing. You are nothing. Come on pendejo, this car will blow up at any minute and you need to be in it.
-- But…but…
-- Get in fatty, you’re going down.
-- I’ll sue you!
Everyone laughed. The chauffeur laughed, the people behind the Pearly Gates laughed, the gatekeeper laughed and even Satan from down below laughed. Everyone laughed but Trump.
May 18, 2026
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
CALEB
I’m going into town.
ALLIE
I’ll go with you.
CALEB
No, you stay here.
ALLIE
You’re going to see that whore Melissa, aren’t you?!
CALEB
Who’s Melissa?
ALLIE
Don’t act coy with me!
CALEB
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ALLIE
I had a dream where you met this slut named Melissa
and I know that dream was foretelling
the future and now you’re going to see her!
CALEB
You’re crazy, Allie.
ALLIE
Do you think I’m silly for being afraid of a dream?
CALEB
What do you think?
ALLIE
I don’t know what to think anymore!
CALEB
I’ll be back in a couple of days.
ALLIE
Days!
Caleb meets Melissa in town and they go to Reno where Melissa gets pregnant with Caleb’s child but they decided to tell Allie she’s the pregnant one and the kid is hers.
ALLIE
I’m pregnant?
CALEB
You sure are.
ALLIE
Best news ever!
Will Allie ever suspect the baby isn’t hers? Stayed tuned when Melissa moves in as a midwife and delivers her own child, then decides she loves it too much to give it to Allie. But Allie thinks it’s hers and they fight over baby Marco while Caleb, knowing the jig is up, flees to Argentina!
May 19, 2026
I needed a specific tool for a job yesterday. The know-it-all guy at the hardware store didn’t have any idea what I was looking for. I explained what it does but he expressed grave doubt that there was such a thing. He followed me to the tool section where I found what I wanted. He said he had never heard of this tool. He read the packaging and kept marveling that there was a tool in his store he knew nothing about. As I watched his befuddlement, I thought to myself, ‘tool’ has many meanings.
May 20, 2026
She felt like crap so she took her temperature. She had a fever. She was hot and then she was cold and then she was hot and then she was cold again. Her boss called. Why wasn’t she at work? She told him she felt like crap. He thought she was calling him crap so he reported her to HR. HR thought she was faking her illness and using it as an excuse to call her boss crap. They recommended firing her. Sick as she was, she dragged herself into the office, infected everyone and effectively shut down the company. The company floundered and never regained its footing. She recovered from her illness, they did not, shutting the doors soon after.
Moral of the story? Clearly, bosses and HR are bad for one’s health.
May 21, 2026
He came out to do an estimate for some work. He was really young but I liked him and the price was what I thought it should be. But his company did not deliver on his promises. Two months later I need to have the work redone. They failed to produce what was agreed upon (and written in the contract). Instead of harassing the young guy to continually fix what was deficient, I will hire another company to clean up the shoddy job. Because we both get the experience of the failure, I will live and learn from this. Him?
May 22, 2026
One winter, in a deep snow, I ran over this bench with the snowmobile; never saw it buried beneath; turned an 800 pound snow machine over on its back; mangled the blue metal senseless and rendered the bench useless.
It used to be a lovely place to sit and look at the view.
Not anymore.
Sigh.
May 24, 2026
I met an old friend. We used to play together on the same ball team. Haven’t seen him in years. It was 9:30AM and we bumped into each other on the street. One sentence in, I could tell he was drunk. The bars here conveniently open at 7AM, you know, in case you want a drink or two before work. Anyway,
He looked the worse for wear, like he’d been up all night for the last year. I asked him if he was still at the same job and he told me he was retired. He used to have a second job night driving one of the city snow plows, but nope, done with that too. I caught up on his family and what the kids are doing. He asked me about my wife and our dogs and if I was still writing. The whole exchange lasted no more than 4 minutes, and it was good to see him. In a small town, old friend/acquaintance run ins can be frequent, and like the weather, sometimes they’re sunny, sometimes it rains.
May 25, 2026
There were footsteps in the dark hall. She turned around and to her horror, it was Darren! She was sure of it! He must have followed her! She ran further down the hall until she realized she was trapped! At the end of the hall was a window and a four story drop! But she was desperate and would do anything to get away from Darren!, so she didn’t hesitate and ran head first out the 4 story window, landing hard in the parking lot below. She appeared gravely injured but more at peace with herself because she now knew she had no limits. She would do anything. Only when the guy who was behind her in the hall reached the busted window and yelled down to the broken girl, “I’m not Darren!”, did it become even a little bit funny.
May 26, 2026
The question became, What do you do with a problem child? Marge and Henry looked at each other, then to Frankie, Jr. They believed him to be a problem child. He started smoking, in front of his parents, at age 9. He had a list of ‘goals’:
a good set of handcuffs
recreational drugs
a motorcycle
at least a half sleeve of ink
an older, hot girlfriend
a loyal, ferocious dog
When he accomplished all that by his 14th birthday, his parents suspected they had a problem child.
The school principal said he was a bad seed.
Arresting police said he was a habitual criminal and known thug.
The school counselor proclaimed him untreatable. First case, she said. Never seen anything like it.
It was then that his parents knew they had a problem child. Once confirmed, what were they to do?
The school Principal suggested caning and/or whipping.
The school counselor suggested waterboarding.
The police chimed in with “Prison, baby!”
The question became, What do you do with a problem child? And that’s still the question.
May 27, 2026
I was standing in line at the bank when a man talking to a teller suddenly started shouting that the bank had ripped him off. He grew progressively upset, screaming profanely about inflated numbers, cheating bank scum and other expressively strong feelings. He demanded to see the manager, who wasn’t in, which enraged him even more. Out of control, he threatened the teller and “anyone else who is responsible for ripping me off”. His cheeks were puffed red, dotted by two bulging eyes and a thrombotic vein prominently sticking out from his forehead. Within moments, the police pulled up to deal with the irate man. He shoved one cop and took a swing at another. They tackled him to the ground and put him in restraints before hauling him out of the bank and into the squad car, screaming the whole way. The teller, the other bank employees and the rest of us in line stood there processing the incident. Maybe the bank doesn’t pay interest anymore, but their entertainment value is based. It was the highlight of my day.
May 28, 2026
Overheard two guys at the waterfront park.
-- I have to make some money fast or I’m going to be tossed from my apartment.
-- What do you owe?
-- 3 months back rent plus this month which ends in 3 days. I’m screwed.
-- This is how good people end up selling drugs.
-- I don’t have any drugs to sell.
-- Too bad.
-- Is it?
-- Well listen, you can move in with me and Daisy but only for a while.
-- Yeah? How long?
-- A couple of months tops.
-- Can I bring all my stuff with me?
-- How much stuff do you have?
-- A lot.
-- Sure.
-- Shouldn’t you call Daisy and tell her I’m moving in?
-- Nah, we had a fight last night and she’s pissed with me. This news will make her furious. She’s never liked you.
-- Wait a minute. Are you using me as a way of getting back at Daisy after a fight?
-- So?
May 29, 2026
She was a standard bearer. Her cause was just, her fervor unquestioned. But it she couldn’t stop talking about it. Dating proved disastrous. But rejection just fueled the detrimental cycle. Because she was lonely, her work became all the more consuming. She was burning out. Then Brad happened. Brad was all about himself and didn’t much listen to her so the monotonous and boring work part never really affected him. Especially when he found out how much money she made. But Brad was married and her cause was in conflict with his lifestyle and person. Brad was kind of a pig. Still, she threw away all that she treasured to be in Brad’s dim light. Of course, it was her downfall, her ruination and destruction. After Brad, what was left? Her cause had abandoned her, like she had done to them. Her friends and family were so put off by the awful Brad pig that they just stopped seeing her. Lonely and alone, she obsessed over Brad’s stupidity, incompetence, and ability to misread any situation. But he never turned down a dare, she has to say that. If only Brad hadn’t jumped from the CN Tower…
May 30, 2026
She fell for the grandparent scam. Supposedly her grandson was travelling and had been beaten and robbed, his wallet and passport stolen and he needed money for the hospital, new papers and then to get back home. She wired 10 grand to a Western Union address in Europe. He called again later and said he needed bail money. He had been falsely accused and needed to clear his name. So if she could spare it, bail money and a little something for the lawyer’s retainer. She wired him 30 grand. Over the course of the next year, her grandson got into a lot of scrapes that needed her financial help. She never checked with the family to see if any of it was true. She was happy to give and died later that year, hoping that all her good will toward her grandson was worth it. Is this not all of us? Telling ourselves what ever it is we want to believe? Are we not all falling for the grandparent scam in our own creative ways? Yikes.
