She had just finished the Fifty Shades series and was feeling hot and reckless. He was going out that evening and she wanted to come along. When they got there, she shooed him toward the others, put in her ear buds and turned up the music. Soon she was dancing like nobody’s watching. Only everybody was watching. She was now moving seductively to a Marvin Gaye number, eyes closed, making love in front of everyone... Her husband was embarrassed at her behavior and when she started to remove bits of clothing, he stood up to intervene, but she just whirled away from him, removed her blouse and draped it over a bald man in row 3. Her husband ran after her but she was excited and elusive. Pants were next, followed by whatever was left. As he chased his naked wife around the room, he swore this was the last time he would ever take her to a Kiwanis meeting.
June 2, 2026
It’s recycling day. I bring the cans to the top of our driveway and waiting there is an orange cat. As soon as I put the bins out on the road, the cat jumps into the first one and starts rooting through it for food. He does the same with all 3 recycling containers. He finds nothing but empty boxes and cardboard. Disappointed, he stares at me. I shrug my shoulders and say, Sorry. Our neighbour across the road starts putting his bins out and the cat leaves me and my sorry lot for what he hopes are greener pastures.
June 3, 2026
I tried something new yesterday. I really wanted it to work. I had high hopes it would. It should have worked for me, but it didn’t quite. I mean it did, but it didn’t. In the end, it wasn’t a success and it wasn’t a failure. It was… I dunno. That ever happen to you?
June 4, 2026
He didn’t understand her, but he was an engineer, so it was kind of a slap in the face that women so perplexed him, so he decided to reverse engineer her. If he could figure out what makes her tick, he could use that to rebuild her into someone he could understand using terms and predictabilities he understood and loved. When she got wind of his plans, she said, No, and that was the end of that.
June 5, 2026
Overheard a busload of older Asian tourists that had stopped at the waterfront.
-- The view. It’s pretty. The water is clear. Very nice.
-- Yes, it’s very nice.
-- Did Kenji just call it nice?
-- He said it’s very nice.
-- It is.
-- Well who said it isn’t?
-- Nobody.
-- Now you’re just making stuff up.
-- That’s what I thought I heard.
-- Heard what? Who said they don’t like this?
-- Kenji.
-- He doesn’t like this? It’s nice.
-- Did anybody ask him why?
-- What’s the matter with him?
-- This is nice.
-- How could somebody not like this?
-- It’s nice.
-- It is.
-- It isn’t Mount Fuji nice.
-- No, it’s not Mount Fuji nice.
-- Especially not as seen from the shinkansen.
-- That train is fast!
-- I agree with Kenji. It’s not very nice.
-- But it is! Who said it’s not?
It wasn’t until All Aboard was announced that the conversation circling the drain stopped.
June 6, 2026
There was a celebration the night before so today, the following day, things are not so peachy. It’s a clear message from my body asking me if the fun of last night was worth the pain of today. If it asked me during the celebration, I would have said yes, absolutely worth it, but asking me the day after, like how I feel now, I’m inclined to say that perhaps, no, it was not. If it asks me, Will I do it again? I would say, Most likely, after all, I was voted Miss Congeniality last night. Got a rep to maintain.
June 7, 2026
Overheard an amateur coach exhorting his young players to give it their all.
-- Now I know that most of you are afraid because those guys over there are monsters and any one of those clearly overage thugs could give you a permanent disability at your young age, but that’s what sport is all about, see. Risking it all. Having the willingness to die for a stupid game. Now look, we’re not a very good team, and that’s a little on me, but all I know is you have to smack a bully in the mouth. Sure, he might come back and break your legs, but if you are wearing the uniform of Benny’s Dry Cleaning, you have to sacrifice yourself for the good of Benny, for the good of us all. Going for the win means giving everything, and if you do that and still fall short, you’ll probably be labelled losers. Sport is cruel. Ok, let’s go, lads.
June 8, 2026
Tenacious little bugger. Good on you to find a way.
June 10, 2026
Watched a mother slap a child in a mall. The kid was crying and defiant. She slapped it and said, “Quit yer bitching, Trina. We don’t got no money. We ain’t buying shit. Understand?” The kid stopped crying, thought about it for a second and said, “You’re a terrible mother.”
Two boys were walking along the railroad tracks when one suggested lying on the tracks to scare the engineer to slam on his brakes. But they chose a blind curve where a train had no chance of stopping. When they saw the train mere yards away, they froze with fear, closed their eyes and that was the end of that.
Lifelong buddies Alonzo and Tremaine were going to rob a bank. They chose a small one with only two tellers. Afterward, they made their getaway.
-- That was easy. I want to do this lots.
-- Me too.
The watermelon weighed as much as baby Henry. Everybody thought it was cute to lay the watermelon next to the baby in the crib and take pictures. But in the night, the watermelon rolled over on Baby Henry suffocating him. The next morning when they came in to take pictures, all they saw was Henry underneath the giant fruit. How cute! He’s hiding! They took more pictures and talked about whether to eat the watermelon for lunch. This was, of course, all before the discovery.
What he ordered was not what was in the box he received. When he contacted the company, they told him to keep the item and they would send him the correct one. Curious, he pulled it out of the box and spent an hour assembling it. It was a perfectly good sleep apnea contraption, a malady neither he nor his wife suffered from. But it was free! Did he win?
June 11, 2026
Flirting.
--Who you callin’ a liar?
-- You, Marco Russo.
-- I swear, it’s a true story, Lorelei.
-- You’re such a liar.
-- Am not.
-- Lessee, why would you lie to me? Were you trying to impress me with your hero story and all?
-- Yeah, sort of. Were you?
-- Impressed?
-- Yeah.
-- The only thing about you that impresses me, Marco Russo, is how you can lie with such a straight face.
-- I’m telling you the truth! What if I call Trevor. He was there that night. He can tell you how great I was. I was pretty great.
-- You’re trying too hard, Marco.
-- There’s a lot at stake here, Lorelei.
-- There is.
-- I want this to work.
-- I do too. But you have to stop lying.
-- I wasn’t-
She leans in and kisses him.
-- Now, Marco, tell me a story where you failed.
-- Never! Why?
-- It shows me your character. I learn things about you through them. Like the hero story reveals your vanity, that sort of thing.
-- Vainty!
-- Neediness?
-- I was a hero!
-- Marco Russo, tell me something I don’t know.
-- Lorelei, I’ve been crazy about you since day one.
-- Sweet. Yuck. I need to know who you are. How willing you are to submit.
-- What if I turn the tables on you? You tell me a story where you were a hero because I bet you there aren’t any. That’s why you are attracted to me, a genuine, authentic hero. That’s what I think.
-- I knew your story before you boasted to me about it. Everybody knows.
-- So you called me a liar even though you knew I wasn’t.
-- Yeah. Having some fun.
-- At my expense.
-- Yeah, that’s what makes it fun.
-- I’m serious now, Lorelei. Are we, you and me, are we talking about hooking up?
-- Linking up, Marco. Becoming a couple.
-- Are we going to tell people?
-- That we’re together? That I now own you? That you are mine to do with as I please? Why yes, tell everyone.
-- That means you can’t be messing around with anybody else. No other dudes. You hear me?
-- But that’s not how it works, Marco Russo. I set the rules. And I’m free to do anything I want. You’re free to do what I tell you. Get my drift, my little submissive?
-- Yes, sir.
-- Call me Mistress.
-- Yes, Mistress.
-- Such a good boy. See how much we know about each other already?
June 12, 2026
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you look up moron in the dictionary
There is a picture of Trump
If you look up pathological liar
There is a picture of Trump
Grifter
Trump
Corrupt sub-human
Trump
Demented perennial loser
Trump
Old fool
Trump
Racist, convicted felon, rapist and pedophile
Trump, Trump, Trump and Trump
June 13, 2026
I had a memorable book review once. She was a self-proclaimed independent Internet book reviewer who also ran a day care in Cleveland. In between kids naps she shredded the book. Said she didn’t understand a thing, had no idea what was going on and sometimes didn’t even know who was doing the talking. She said there were too many words she didn’t get, ideas she couldn’t process and language she assumed was clever but she herself didn’t understand it. She liked the dog and wondered why there wasn’t more about race in it. Her best quote was, “And then came another book! Inside the first one! I had to read two books and I still don’t know what the hell was going on! This guy is either a genius or a crackpot. I can’t tell. I don’t know what to say about it other than - don’t buy this book if you don’t read so good.” If you don’t read so good. Memorable.
June 14, 2026
Two old geezers were in a fist fight. This was at the Farm and Feed store and they had been arguing which intensified to a shouting match that devolved into a fist fight. Both combatants had to be 80 years old. They swung wildly at each other and then locked up in an embrace. One guy pushed the other guy off him and he staggered into a seed display knocking it over and making a mess. The guy who pushed him off seized the moment and charged ready to pounce and punch. But he missed. He slipped on spilled seeds and landed on the floor right where the other fellow was able to reach him and kick him in the ribs, winning the fight.
The store manager came running out of his office and went straight up to the two old men (who were still catching their breath on the floor), and told them they owed for all the spilled seed, they were lucky he isn’t calling the cops and if they ever fight in the store again they will be banned forever. “We good?” He turned around, uttered, “Farmers” disdainfully, and went back into his office.
As they got up, the two guys started arguing about who owed for the seed and that escalated into a pushing and shoving match nearly knocking over a stack of salt blocks when the manager came storming up, held his arms out and his index fingers in a cross and yelled, “You two - you’re banned! Forever! Now Get Out!” Both frugal farmers, seeing it as a way of not having to pay for the seed, left immediately.
The manager went up to the cashier who was closest to the action and asked her what they had been originally arguing about.
-- Turnips.
-- Turnips?
-- Yes, sir.
-- God, we truly are a primitive planet.
June 15, 2026
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
I’ve made a terrible mistake. I married a man who dislikes animals. I grew up on a farm and had a dozen pet chickens, ducks, pigs, horses, dogs and cats. My love for animals is what keeps me sane in an often insane world. I adore them. But not Roger. Roger hates ‘em. We met through work so we knew nothing of each other’s private lives until we married. Then he tells me he’s from a big family and he wants at least 9 kids. Fat chance, buddy! Next, he tells me he’s lactose intolerant so no dairy in the house, Jesus!, but the crushing blow came when I told him we were getting two dogs and two cats. He said, Over my dead body. I was horrified. Would I really have to kill my Roger? I’ve made a terrible mistake. What can I do?
Signed,
Have to have my animals
Dear Have to have,
Ol’ Rog has his preferences, but they’re all or nothing, either/or situations, winner take all. If you capitulate and say all right, no pets, you will be miserable; if you say no, we’re getting them, Rog is miserable and that’s no way for a couple to live. You might think, oh, he'll come to love them, but honey, he is just as liable to abuse them. Roger's flat refusal is a stressful demand on you - the exact opposite of the love you freely get from your animals, so I’m sorry but you need to find somebody who loves them as much as you do and supports your desire to have animals in your life instead of demanding you don't, and oh, by the way, keeping you pregnant for the bulk of your foreseeable adulthood. Ol’ Rog is a choice. As always, the choice is yours.
June 15, 2026
He came home from work to find his wife dressed like a cheerleader. He thought it meant fun and games in the bedroom, but it turns out she wants to be a cheerleader for her life.
-- I figured it out, Phil. I am either my worst enemy – beating myself up for something I did or didn’t do - or I’m pleased as punch at something I did and I secretly congratulate myself. I yo-yo between the two! Well that’s mixed message I’m giving myself, right? I need to be the head cheerleader of my life. Wearing my old uniform reminds me to be positive and constructive and not to beat myself up. Plus, look at me, it still fits!
-- Oh, so, this isn’t for us to do a little role playing in the sack?
-- You’re a pig! All men think about is sex. I’m cheerleading me in my life, not cheerleading you on to an orgasm.
-- I see.
-- Oh, now you’re hurt. The old me would have made it my fault and felt bad about disappointing you – but not anymore! Rah rah.
-- Okay.
-- Quit being passive aggressive! You’re bringing me down!
-- All right.
-- Fuck you, Phil, if you can’t support me!
June 16, 2026
A marriage stuck in neutral.
-- Hey Betty, you ever wonder why your index finger fits perfectly into your nostril? It’s the exact right size for your nose opening. I swear, it's like God wanted us to pick our noses. You ever wonder about that?
-- No.
June 18, 2026
Yesterday, we sodded part of our yard. It’s not supposed to have any traffic on it until the sod roots, a couple of weeks at least. Oh great, I get up to water the new grass this morn and a whole whack of it is messed up. Sod strips have been moved, some were folded over, piled on top of one another and a lot of bare dirt was exposed. What the hell happened? Ohhh…amongst all of it were bear tracks. Bad bears! Evidently, some grass wrecking bear climbed into our yard last night and walked all over the new turf, displacing it, ripping it and moving it. Jeez, now I’m going to have to put up signs. No bears! Get off my lawn! Hopefully that does it.
June 19, 2026
On his deathbed he told those gathered around that his biggest regret was not savoring his time on Earth. “All the petty shit we’re involved in…” He said he worked too much, spent too little time with the family and was never satisfied with anything he ever did but he kept on doing it anyway. He said his biggest joys were his wife, his restomod Camero, and Arby’s. Both of his children thought, Well fuck you. “All in all, I’d give the experience a 3.5 out of 10. It’s mostly shit. I guess that’s about it. Oh,” he added, “there are a few surprise in the will, a few secrets may be, uh, revealed.” Everybody around the deathbed gasped. He snorted, gasped and died, right there, in front of everybody, who gasped again when they realized he just gasped his last. Or did he? What was in that will?
June 20, 2026
My computer locked me out this morning. It demanded my BitLocker key. I knew I had written it down somewhere, but had no idea where that was. After a 2 hour search, I found it. 48 numbers later, I hit submit and it refused to accept it. I went through each and every number and found I had transposed two of them. Typo corrected, it let me in. Screw that, I immediately made a copy of the BitLocker key and stored it on an encrypted file in my computer. Wait a minute…
June 21, 2026
Her aunt had an extraordinary life. All kinds of wonderful things had happened to her. It started when she was 18 after a trip she took to Ulaanbaatar. After her return, everything seemed to change for the better. 60 years later, she died in a freak accident in a strip mall in Dayton, Ohio. She left to her favourite niece, a small cast iron bust of the Buddha, the one she brought back from Mongolia. There was a note taped to the bottom.
Dear Lily, this magic Buddha is for you. It was forced upon me by an old lady in a Mongolian bazaar. She wouldn’t even take any money for it. Now I’m an old lady giving it to you. Rub his face counterclockwise for 5 seconds and you will be granted a wish. I’m not kidding. ANYTHING you wish for will be granted. There are no limits on your wishes or the number of them. Over the course of your life you will make foolish mistake wishes and stupid, age related wishes, but you will also learn about yourself through them. It’s like the Buddha is imparting his wisdom in the form of the choices you make. Lily, I told no one about this and I advise you to do the same. Otherwise, you will be inundated with people wanting you to grant them wishes. Oh, and you can’t bring anybody back from the dead or they will become immortal and cannot die, this is a fate way worse than any death. Treat this magic Buddha with the utmost respect and you too will have an impossibly marvelous life. It’s my gift to you, love.
Without thinking, Lily’s first wish was to bring her aunt back. Her aunt was so bummed at being alive again – now forever – that she took the Buddha away from Lily but not before wishing that Lily had never been born.
Moral of the story? Be careful what you wish for?
June 22, 2026
Overheard a tourist family at the beach.
-- Hilda, why don’t you take baby Frederich over to that hot dog stand and get the two of you something to eat.
-- Mama, I told you I don’t understand Canadian money and nobody takes Euros. How will I know I’m not getting ripped off?
-- Hans, give her 10 Canadian dollars, it’s the purple one.
-- Simcha, I’m going to give her a green one because I don’t understand Canadian money either and it would be embarrassing for her and baby Frederich if they didn’t have enough to pay that sausage seller. Perhaps that embarrassment would be with them forever? We can’t risk that.
-- The green one is 20 dollars! For a couple of hot dogs?
-- This country is expensive, Simcha.
-- Well then give her the red one to be sure.
-- How do you know that’s worth more than the green one?
-- Because it’s red!
-- This holiday is costing us a fortune. Here Hilda, take this red bill and get you and Frederich something.
-- Do you guys want anything?
-- Your mother wants to win the lottery.
-- Anything else?
-- No.
A minute later Hilda and baby Frederich are back.
-- He wouldn’t take the red one. He said he didn’t have enough change and there are counterfeit red ones circulating so he wasn’t going to take a chance.
-- Why does Canada have this stupid coloured money system?!
-- Hans, give her a green one.
-- Here, honey.
-- Thanks Papa. Come on Frederich.
-- What do we do with all these red bills?
-- You heard the man, they’re counterfeit. Throw them away.
June 24, 2026
I was out of town yesterday. The highlight was meeting this shady old guy. He tells me that back in the day, he was a psychologist hired by the mob when they took over Vegas. It was this guy who told them how to create a captive audience experience for their casinos: no windows, no clocks, no way to see or hear the outside world, free booze, brighten up the interior lights, change the dull color of the felt used on the craps and 21 tables, more free booze, increase the distracting noises from the machines, have a separate gaming lounge for the high rollers, more free booze, etc. In the basement were to be jail cells and soundproof rooms for teaching the cheaters the mob’s way of doing things. The old guy laughs and says that he got out of it when the police tried to tie him to a missing persons found murdered and buried in the desert. Then he winked and said that early Vegas had lots of ways for a man to make a buck. I’ll bet it did, shady old guy, I’ll bet it did.
June 25, 2026
-- Pick as many of those wild poppies as you can, Horace, then we’ll go home and make up a nice batch of heroin.
-- I love heroin.
-- Don’t we all, Horace.
-- What did you say, Lydia?
-- I was just telling Horace how we’re going to go home and make up some heroin from these poppies, you know, to take the edge off.
-- I love heroin!
-- Don’t we all. Hurry up, you two.
June 26, 2026
A friend has a talking dog. He knew that if the world ever found out, their lives would never be the same. So the dog agreed to never talk around any other humans and he agreed to never tell anyone he has a talking dog. The only way I found out was when we were going for a hike, the dog stubbed its toe and said, “Son of a bitch”, plain as day. But I sure don’t want their lives to be ruined, so with the exception of you guys, I’m not telling anybody.
June 27, 2026
2nd LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Why do you continue to write this blog? It’s 27 years old! Who has that much to say?! Actually, I’m kidding. I have been coming here for years and have back read every single monthly KeithSpeak. You always say something funny or ironic or preposterous or thought provoking. What’s weird is how fresh all the old posts are – genuine, undated awesomeness. Can I tell you a guilty secret? I read old KeithSpeaks in the bathroom because each daily post is a stand alone and I can put it down and pick it up whenever I hit the can. I’m here to tell you you’re special. Bathroom special. Do you feel special?
Signed,
A Fan of your thoughts
Dear Fan,
Nah, nothing special about me. It’s true that I’m living a great life by design, but anyone can do the same. KeithSpeak tells you how. Just so you know, KeithSpeak can be read in other rooms of your house. It's very versatile.
June 28, 2026
You do realize that loving a bimbo like Trump says way more about you than words ever could, right? You get that, right?
