Got a spam phone call.
-- Hello.
-- Hi, Tom. I’m a tech from Microsoft and I’m calling to tell you your computer is infected with a virus.
-- My name’s not Tom.
-- Oh? What’s your name?
-- Lazlo.
-- And what’s your last name, Lazlo?
-- Lazlo.
-- No, your last name.
-- It’s Lazlo.
-- You’re Lazlo Lazlo?
-- So nice they named me twice.
-- Uh, I was calling to tell you that your computer-
-- How’s the weather in Redmond?
-- Where?
-- Redmond, Washington. You know, Microsoft. You know, where you supposedly work.
-- Yeah, it’s sunny.
-- Wrong. It’s never sunny in Seattle.
-- I meant it’s raining.
-- Of course you did. Say, what’s your name?
-- My name is, uh, Ken. Look Lazlo, I was calling to tell you that your computer is infected with malware and for $500 dollars I can remove it remotely for you. All I need is a credit card.
-- Ok.
2 minutes later he responds.
-- You still there?
-- I’m right here.
-- I thought you were off getting your wallet or something.
-- Nope, I’ve been right here the whole time.
-- Why didn’t you say something?
-- Why didn’t you say something first?
-- Ok, Lazlo, give me your credit card numbers.
-- You remove the virus first.
-- What?
-- The virus infecting my computer. Remove it.
-- You must pay first.
-- As an act of good faith, you must do what you say you can do, Ken. Then I pay.
-- It doesn’t work that way, Lazlo.
-- If it doesn’t work that way than it doesn’t work.
-- You must pay me 500 dollars first.
-- Microsoft Ken, I insist, you go first.
-- If you don’t give me a credit card your computer will stop working, Lazlo.
-- No it won’t.
-- Yes it will.
-- It won’t because there is no virus on it. It won’t because you are a scammer. It won’t because of all that, Ken.
Silence on the phone.
-- My name’s not really Ken.
-- And my computer’s not really infected.
-- I thought Lazlo Lazlo sounded fishy.
-- Just like your scam, not Ken.
Click.
July 2, 2026
Down at our barn a deer is grazing. I have to get some tools from the barn but I don’t want to disturb her, so I wait. But she continues to hang out for 10 more minutes and the job I’m working on needs those tools, so I start to approach the barn slowly. I talk to her quietly in a reassuring tone of voice. She watches me but doesn’t run. I get about 20 yards away and she goes back to grazing. I get 10 yards away and she looks up at me but doesn’t run. Is this a tame deer? A family pet that got out? Why is she showing no fear? I slip into the barn and grab the tools I need. Unfortunately, on the way out I knock something over that hits another something and together they make a racket. Surely that must have scared her away. But there she is. She spends anymore time here and I’m gonna name her.
July 4, 2026
Mid-summer tourists’ views on America.
Leon from Columbia – It took me 7 hours to get into the country. My fence cutters went dull after the 3rd row of concertina wire. Ha ha. Now that I’m here, I’m not impressed. Everybody is miserable and shit is ridiculously expensive. The worst is the divide in politics. I don’t understand people slavishly following a dumbass like Trump. He’s a dumbass!
Heidi from Norway – The country is beautiful, the people are nice and welcoming. Thumbs up.
Kojo from Ghana – Heidi, because you are a blond haired Nordic goddess looking bitch, of course they like you. Try being a dreadlocked African and you will have a completely different experience and opinion of America. They laugh at our politicians, but my god, up close, Trump is a dumbass! It’s scary. By the way, Heidi, you single?
Brendan from Ireland – The beer is shite. You go to a pub and you can’t find anybody that wants to fight. This country is so passive. But that explains the continued existence of a dumbass like Trump. No kings, eh?
Suki from Belarus – I came to see Disneyland of which I am not disappointed. But the rest of the place is a shithole. And it was painfully obvious why - dear leader Trump is a dumbass. The place is going down the toilet and this fool keeps flushing.
Penelope from the UK – I have never been on holiday where I cared anything about the destination country’s politics, just their beaches, but it was unavoidable in America. Look, we have our own morons, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, but no one can hold a candle to the dumbass that is Trump. No sir. In the immortal words of Yoda, Ruining America he is.
Perry from Taiwan - He says he is the biggest and best at everything. So by his own admission, Trump is the biggest dumbass that’s ever lived. And the best. The biggest and best dumbass of them all. Sounds about right.
Trisha from the Philippines – I went to visit my mother in North Dakota. What a god forsaken hellhole. She moved there to be a MAGA follower. I told her, Trump is a dumbass, you can’t even vote in this country, come home. She refused. I’m going to hire a guy off Craigslist to kidnap her. She needs to be deprogrammed.
Marshall from New Zealand – It’s a long flight to get to America, but nothing tired me out more than listening to dumbass Trump waffle. Jesus, America, what were you thinking? This muppet’s a blithering mess.
Geneva from Canada – Trump’s the Bigfoot of dumbasses.
July 5, 2026
How in the heck did Ed’s Big Hats in the Shumley Mall come to be?
He had always wanted to improve his posture. One night, he watched an infomercial about this contraption where you hang upside down. The inventor claimed it would cure back issues, poor posture and more. So he bought it. But he lived alone, and when he got stuck in the upside down position with no one to help him, he passed out. When he came to, he was a changed man. At first, of course, he was furious for his ordeal, and the fact that his head had swelled from all the blood and he couldn’t wait to call his lawyer to sue, but as he moved about, he noticed his posture was now perfect. It worked! He went to a mirror. His head was twice its size but his posture was straight as an arrow. He was sold. He became a distributor for the product. But lots of people got stuck upside down. When the lawsuits mounted, he claimed that he was also just a victim. Your Honour, look at the size of my head! Ah, but your posture is sublime, returned the courts. In the end he was mandated to supply big hats to all those whose heads had swelled. And that’s the origin story of Ed’s Big Hats in the Shumley Mall. Is too.
July 6, 2026
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Not really, we know you’re a hot mess of gas
Did you know we have our own gasbag here on Earth
That’s Diaper Donnie, gasbag grifter
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder who you are
We can rule out that anyone would've picked a twat name like Donnie for a star, right
However, I watched a movie last night about our sun flaming out and dying a wretched, shrieking, painful death and that’s been the only time I ever wished it was Donnie.
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder-
Actually, no one wonders anymore
It’s been replaced with incredulity and shame
Our sun will be here long after Diaper Donnie craps his last
That’s our comfort
Twinkle twinkle little star
July 7, 2026
The path to the barn on a summer day.
July 8, 2026
This used to be somebody’s birthday. They may not be with us anymore, but when this date rolls around, we always remember them as if they were. Happy Birthday, A.
July 9, 2026
Overheard a child with his father.
-- Daddy, why was Mommy yelling at you?
-- I forgot to do something and she was reminding me.
-- She yells all the time.
-- Your mother is an expressive person.
-- I don’t know what that means. Why don’t you tell her to stop yelling?
-- You can’t tell your mother anything when she is in that mood. You just shake your head, say yes, and do whatever it is she is yelling about.
-- That’s not fair.
-- Marriage isn’t fair, son.
-- I’m never getting married.
-- Smart boy.
-- Did she yell before you were married?
-- She did.
-- Then why did you marry her?
-- There’s more to your mother than just the yelling.
-- I don’t think so.
-- You don’t?
-- No.
July 10, 2026
He had to get his girlfriend to stop calling him dude. It was embarrassing. She was much more of a dude than he was. He was a math major who played coronet in the marching band. She wore baseball hats backwards, played 3 sports, could drink like a fish and once, in a school production, played a car thief so convincingly the real police showed up. Did they meet cute? Not really. She said she loved a man in uniform, was in a mood, and picked him. His buddies thought she was cool and wanted to hang out with her. His parents thought she was adorable and capable. Everybody agreed she was a dude. But he never was, wouldn’t ever be, and he had to get her to stop calling him one before he got a complex about it. Was she mocking him? Would this be their first fight?
