-- Hi, Tom. I’m a tech from Microsoft and I’m calling to tell you your computer is infected with a virus.
-- My name’s not Tom.
-- Oh? What’s your name?
-- Lazlo.
-- And what’s your last name, Lazlo?
-- Lazlo.
-- No, your last name.
-- It’s Lazlo.
-- You’re Lazlo Lazlo?
-- So nice they named me twice.
-- Uh, I was calling to tell you that your computer-
-- How’s the weather in Redmond?
-- Where?
-- Redmond, Washington. You know, Microsoft. You know, where you supposedly work.
-- Yeah, it’s sunny.
-- Wrong. It’s never sunny in Seattle.
-- I meant it’s raining.
-- Of course you did. Say, what’s your name?
-- My name is, uh, Ken. Look Lazlo, I was calling to tell you that your computer is infected with malware and for $500 dollars I can remove it remotely for you. All I need is a credit card.
-- Ok.
2 minutes later he responds.
-- You still there?
-- I’m right here.
-- I thought you were off getting your wallet or something.
-- Nope, I’ve been right here the whole time.
-- Why didn’t you say something?
-- Why didn’t you say something first?
-- Ok, Lazlo, give me your credit card numbers.
-- You remove the virus first.
-- What?
-- The virus infecting my computer. Remove it.
-- You must pay first.
-- As an act of good faith, you must do what you say you can do, Ken. Then I pay.
-- It doesn’t work that way, Lazlo.
-- If it doesn’t work that way than it doesn’t work.
-- You must pay me 500 dollars first.
-- Microsoft Ken, I insist, you go first.
-- If you don’t give me a credit card your computer will stop working, Lazlo.
-- No it won’t.
-- Yes it will.
-- It won’t because there is no virus on it. It won’t because you are a scammer. It won’t because of all that, Ken.
Silence on the phone.
-- My name’s not really Ken.
-- And my computer’s not really infected.
-- I thought Lazlo Lazlo sounded fishy.
-- Just like your scam, not Ken.
Click.
July 2, 2026
Down at our barn a deer is grazing. I have to get some tools from the barn but I don’t want to disturb her, so I wait. But she continues to hang out for 10 more minutes and the job I’m working on needs those tools, so I start to approach the barn slowly. I talk to her quietly in a reassuring tone of voice. She watches me but doesn’t run. I get about 20 yards away and she goes back to grazing. I get 10 yards away and she looks up at me but doesn’t run. Is this a tame deer? A family pet that got out? Why is she showing no fear? I slip into the barn and grab the tools I need. Unfortunately, on the way out I knock something over that hits another something and together they make a racket. Surely that must have scared her away. But there she is. She spends anymore time here and I’m gonna name her.
July 4, 2026
Mid-summer tourists’ views on America.
Leon from Columbia – It took me 7 hours to get into the country. My fence cutters went dull after the 3rd row of concertina wire. Ha ha. Now that I’m here, I’m not impressed. Everybody is miserable and shit is ridiculously expensive. The worst is the divide in politics. I don’t understand people slavishly following a dumbass like Trump. He’s a dumbass!
Heidi from Norway – The country is beautiful, the people are nice and welcoming. Thumbs up.
Kojo from Ghana – Heidi, because you are a blond haired Nordic goddess looking bitch, of course they like you. Try being a dreadlocked African and you will have a completely different experience and opinion of America. They laugh at our politicians, but my god, up close, Trump is a dumbass! It’s scary. By the way, Heidi, you single?
Brendan from Ireland – The beer is shite. You go to a pub and you can’t find anybody that wants to fight. This country is so passive. But that explains the continued existence of a dumbass like Trump. No kings, eh?
Suki from Belarus – I came to see Disneyland of which I am not disappointed. But the rest of the place is a shithole. And it was painfully obvious why - dear leader Trump is a dumbass. The place is going down the toilet and this fool keeps flushing.
Penelope from the UK – I have never been on holiday where I cared anything about the destination country’s politics, just their beaches, but it was unavoidable in America. Look, we have our own morons, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, but no one can hold a candle to the dumbass that is Trump. No sir. In the immortal words of Yoda, Ruining America he is.
Perry from Taiwan - He says he is the biggest and best at everything. So by his own admission, Trump is the biggest dumbass that’s ever lived. And the best. The biggest and best dumbass of them all. Sounds about right.
Trisha from the Philippines – I went to visit my mother in North Dakota. What a god forsaken hellhole. She moved there to be a MAGA follower. I told her, Trump is a dumbass, you can’t even vote in this country, come home. She refused. I’m going to hire a guy off Craigslist to kidnap her. She needs to be deprogrammed.
Marshall from New Zealand – It’s a long flight to get to America, but nothing tired me out more than listening to dumbass Trump waffle. Jesus, America, what were you thinking? This muppet’s a blithering mess.
Geneva from Canada – Trump’s the Bigfoot of dumbasses.
July 5, 2026
How in the heck did Ed’s Big Hats in the Shumley Mall come to be?
He had always wanted to improve his posture. One night, he watched an infomercial about this contraption where you hang upside down. The inventor claimed it would cure back issues, poor posture and more. So he bought it. But he lived alone, and when he got stuck in the upside down position with no one to help him, he passed out. When he came to, he was a changed man. At first, of course, he was furious for his ordeal, and the fact that his head had swelled from all the blood and he couldn’t wait to call his lawyer to sue, but as he moved about, he noticed his posture was now perfect. It worked! He went to a mirror. His head was twice its size but his posture was straight as an arrow. He was sold. He became a distributor for the product. But lots of people got stuck upside down. When the lawsuits mounted, he claimed that he was also just a victim. Your Honour, look at the size of my head! Ah, but your posture is sublime, returned the courts. In the end he was mandated to supply big hats to all those whose heads had swelled. And that’s the origin story of Ed’s Big Hats in the Shumley Mall. Is too.
July 6, 2026
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Not really, we know you’re a hot mess of gas
Did you know we have our own gasbag here on Earth
That’s Diaper Donnie, gasbag grifter
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder who you are
We can rule out that anyone would've picked a twat name like Donnie for a star, right
However, I watched a movie last night about our sun flaming out and dying a wretched, shrieking, painful death and that’s been the only time I ever wished it was Donnie.
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder-
Actually, no one wonders anymore
It’s been replaced with incredulity and shame
Our sun will be here long after Diaper Donnie craps his last
That’s our comfort
Twinkle twinkle little star
July 7, 2026
The path to the barn on a summer day.
July 8, 2026
This used to be somebody’s birthday. They may not be with us anymore, but when this date rolls around, we always remember them as if they were. Happy Birthday, A.
July 9, 2026
Overheard a child with his father.
-- Daddy, why was Mommy yelling at you?
-- I forgot to do something and she was reminding me.
-- She yells all the time.
-- Your mother is an expressive person.
-- I don’t know what that means. Why don’t you tell her to stop yelling?
-- You can’t tell your mother anything when she is in that mood. You just shake your head, say yes, and do whatever it is she is yelling about.
-- That’s not fair.
-- Marriage isn’t fair, son.
-- I’m never getting married.
-- Smart boy.
-- Did she yell before you were married?
-- She did.
-- Then why did you marry her?
-- There’s more to your mother than just the yelling.
-- I don’t think so.
-- You don’t?
-- No.
July 10, 2026
He had to get his girlfriend to stop calling him dude. It was embarrassing. She was much more of a dude than he was. He was a math major who played coronet in the marching band. She wore baseball hats backwards, played 3 sports, could drink like a fish and once, in a school production, played a car thief so convincingly the real police showed up. Did they meet cute? Not really. She said she loved a man in uniform, was in a mood, and picked him. His buddies thought she was cool and wanted to hang out with her. His parents thought she was adorable and capable. Everybody agreed she was a dude. But he never was, wouldn’t ever be, and he had to get her to stop calling him one before he got a complex about it. Was she mocking him? Would this be their first fight?
July 11, 2026
The phone rings, it’s a telemarketer, I hang up. It rings again and it’s the same guy. I again hang up. It rings a 3rd time and I put the phone down and leave while he is talking to no one. When I come back later to hang up the phone, he is gone. Question: Why is this personal harassment legal?
July 12, 2026
I’m in the grocery store when an elderly man with an empty shopping cart reads the price on something, curses, and lifts his empty cart up and down slamming it onto the linoleum floor in disgust. Further down the aisle he stops and leans in to see the price on another item, again cursing out loud and slamming his cart to the floor. A stockboy approaches and asks if he can help him find something.
-- Yeah, cheaper prices!
-- I’m sorry sir, I just stock the shelves.
-- It’s highway robbery! Food is too expensive. I’m on a fixed income.
-- Uh huh.
-- What am I supposed to do?
-- I don’t know.
-- What would happen if I just took something off a shelf and started eating it?
-- I don’t know.
-- What if I walked around the store and just ate whatever I wanted?
-- I don’t know.
-- So my only option is to shoplift, is that what you’re telling me?
-- I didn’t say anything.
-- But you’ll look the other way.
-- I didn’t say that either.
-- You’re not much help.
-- No sir.
A little while later I was in line at the checkout when the same fellow comes scurrying by toward the exit. I can see a package of meat in his back pocket and something bulging under his shirt, but he hurries past and hustles out the door. No one noticed. No one followed. I imagined him pulling out of the parking lot yelling, Tonight, we dine in Valhalla!
July 13, 2026
Someone wanted me to write a recommendation letter for them. This had to be done in longhand to eliminate the possibility of AI writing it. I tried doing the thing in cursive but even I couldn’t read what I wrote. So I did a new letter where I hand printed each and every word. It was now readable but looked like it had been written by an 8 year old. I gave my friend the one with all the words hand printed. I also gave him the one I wrote in cursive, and I also printed out the same letter in a word processing program so they could more easily read it, but coupled with the other two hand written letters, also allow them to understand it’s not AI. I suggested he turn in all 3 and see what happens. He didn't get the job. They said he tried so hard to convince them that the 3 recommendation letters weren't written by AI, that they must have been written by AI. Sigh.
July 14, 2026
I got nothing. I spent two hours trying to be clever and failed. 2 hours! Maybe tomorrow?
July 15, 2026
Uh, not today. Drat, I have to go out of town and won’t be back until tonight. I’m running late so this will have to do as today’s nothing post. Mea culpa, my pretties.
July 16, 2026
I’m still out of town! Meetings went late into the night and I had to stay over to finish them today. Will Friday be any better? We can only hope. My apologies to those who came here looking for mirth.
July 17, 2026
Heard while out of town.
-- Colleen, I don’t care what your mother thinks of me.
-- But I do! It matters to me, Qian.
-- She hates me because I’m Chinese. How do you overcome that?
-- She’s always been racist.
-- We can live a good life without her blessing.
-- What will your parents think of me?
-- Probably the same. They will say something like, Qian, many Chinese women, why you pick the white Canadian one.
-- What would you say back?
-- Love is love, regardless of race.
-- That’s nice.
-- Still, my parents will never accept you.
-- Jesus.
-- And a mixed race baby? Forget it, they will go ballistic.
-- I hate everything in this world but you.
-- That’s nice, Colleen. A little dark, but nice.
July 18, 2026
To sum up, America's feeble, bat shit crazy, poseur President is:
A convicted Felon
A convicted Rapist
A pathological Liar
A stupefyingly petty, needy Narcissist
A child fucking Pedophile
A two bit Huckster
A Chump convicted of countless civil business frauds
A Failed Businessman who has gone bankrupt 6 times
And a man so Stupid that it literally defies explanation.
So, now that the rest of the world can’t stand America and its feeble, lying, fake haired piece of orange shit, how’s all the winning with this complete loser going for you?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
July 19, 2026
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
Why do you hate America so much? You’re one of us.
Signed,
Curious Midwesterner
Dear Curious,
I gave up my US passport nearly 40 years ago. But you got me wrong, friend. I don’t hate Americans; I hate Trump and all that put him where he is and are keeping him there despite the fact that he is incompetent and unworthy of the position. He’s a criminal. And the country elected him President. If the election turns out to have been rigged, then please accept my apologies. But if half of you actually voted this ignorant, nasty old man into the job, well, that says who America is now, doesn’t it?
July 20, 2026
I have an onerous task today. The dogs need their nails clipped. None of them like having their feet touched. None of them like having their nails clipped. None of them are the least bit cooperative when this time comes. My main goal is to not hit the quick; their main goal is to get away as fast as possible whether I’m finished or not. Manhandling and wrestling will ensue. Afterwards, they will be indignant that I did that to them and I will be exhausted from fighting with 100+ pound dogs. All of this makes it onerous.
July 21, 2026
When someone gives you an opinion, you must first consider the source. Then you can ignore it, consider it, discard it or adopt it. So what’s the deal with opinions? Aren’t they just the thoughts, advice, suggestions and experiences of other people? Indeed, they are. Which is what makes them so valuable and useless at the same time, because, you know, everybody’s different, so their opinions are different, which is why you must first consider the source. Capish?
July 22, 2026
My wife had to do some international travelling. Because health care is free in Canada, it doesn’t mean it’s so in other countries. But if you get sick away from home it can be outrageously expensive with no coverage. So she needed to take out some medical travel insurance. What an online free for all. There were myriad companies promising the medical moon. But I’m onto them because I do what most people don’t - if I have to sign a contract, you better believe I’m reading every word of it first. The contracts for these companies were restrictive and duplicitous. Some of them were between 10 and 16 pages long. And when you read what they DON’T cover it’s alarming. Forget pre-existing conditions. These legal documents are chock full of exclusions and limitations for all kinds of issues. The bottom line? Do take out medical travel insurance, just don’t use it.
July 23, 2026
Wildfires everywhere. The air stinks. The sky is a weird, indescribable colour. Everything else is hazy and ill defined and the odd feeling engendered by not being able to see further than 50 yards is eerie. I’m not claustrophobic, but it’s claustrophobic. And who do we thank for this now annual incineration rite? How about the useless, spineless, bought and paid for politicians who whored themselves to industry, party priorities and just plain stupidity by swearing the climate isn’t changing and so did nothing. A pox on you.
July 24, 2026
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
TRISTAN
Gregory, get me the shampoo.
GREGORY
It’s in the bathroom with you, Tris. The green bottle.
TRISTAN
I can’t see through all the blood. Come in and get it for me.
GREGORY
Here.
TRISTAN
Thanks bro, we’re in this together.
GREGORY
Don’t include me! I didn’t kill her.
You’re the one in the shower washing off the blood.
TRISTAN
Get a grip, Gregory. She’s dead. It doesn’t matter who did it.
GREGORY
Yes, it does!
TRISTAN
This stuff is impossible to wash out. There’s just more and more.
GREGORY
Did you get injured in the murder?
TRISTAN
Gosh, I must have. Look, I see a few stab wounds here and here.
GREGORY
You got shived! By a girl. Ha ha ha ha.
TRISTAN
I didn’t feel a thing. The struggle was real.
Forget the shampoo, can you get me
a bunch of bandages to stop the bleeding?
GREGORY
What do we do with the body?
TRISTAN
We! You said we. Ah, Gregory, I knew you’d come around.
We’re in this together.
GREGORY
Yeah, but you killed her. I want to make that clear.
TRISTAN
Who can we pin this on?
GREGORY
What?!
TRISTAN
Somebody has to take the rap and it shouldn’t be us.
GREGORY
Why not us?
TRISTAN
Privilege. We’re two, white, educated, upper class good boys.
GREGORY
Good boys? We just murdered someone.
TRISTAN
Didn’t you hear the other part?
The white, educated, upper class boys part?
This is America now, Gregory. WE are the currency.
Don’t worry about a thing my fellow Caucasian. Now about that body…
July 27, 2026
There was a ball tournament in town last weekend. For lunch, the organizers thought they had set up with a food vendor to feed the players. But something went wrong and there was no food to be had. So the organizers sent a guy to McDonald’s where he ordered 200 cheeseburgers - from the drive thru window! They told him to park and come inside. He refused. He wasn’t moving his car until he had his order. Because this was during the lunch hour and it took them 40 minutes to make the order, by then, the drive thru line was 35 cars long. By the time lunch was served to the ballplayers, the cheeseburgers were cold. The organizers said that for dinner, they were going to go to Wendy’s and hope for the best.
July 28, 2026
Several friends from around the world have written to ask if Trump is really as boorish, uncouth, cheap, coarse, crass, ignorant, sleazy and gross as he appears to be. Yes, I replied, he is.
July 30, 2026
I did a radio interview and this was at the end.
-- And in conclusion, Keith, as an ex-American, what do you think of Trump?
-- Not much.
-- But he is the face of America. He’s so important, don’t you think?
-- No.
-- No?
-- No.
-- But-
-- What do you think of Trump, Mike?
-- Ooh, I don’t think the station or our corporate sponsors want me to answer that on air.
-- No?
-- No.
-- Yeah, well, you kinda just did.
-- Did not!
-- (silence)
-- I didn’t say anything!
-- (silence)
-- I didn’t.
-- Thanks for having me on your show, Mike.
-- I didn’t say anything! I didn’t! Wait!
July 31, 2026
I saw someone famous in our little town. He had played a concert in Vancouver last night and is to give another one in Calgary tonight. It is a 12 hour drive but Salmon Arm is literally half way between the two cities. So he stopped here for whatever reason and I saw him walking around town like he was just another tourist. 15 minutes later he was spotted and outed on social media before being mobbed by locals. He beat it back to his tour bus and left for tonight’s gig. A famous person just relishing the anonymity he had before being famous is kind of poignant. But if you want to be a fame whore, if your ego is so needy that the praise of strangers is necessary for you to believe you’re someone special, then by all means get famous. For anybody else with a healthy sense of self? Don’t be a fool, Billy. Fame is a curse.
