Celebrities you hate?
-- I cannot stand L.C. She would be backstage being a diva and throwing tantrums and would abuse the roadies and staff. If you’re as bloody rich as her, why would you be so petty and awful towards others? Listen, I love her music but she’s an asshole.
-- I was on the highway when my tire blew and my cell was out of juice. C.R. and K.K. pulled over to help me. I was floored when I saw who they were! I actually had tickets to their next show! K.K. changed my flat tire while C.R. regaled me with insider stories on who was good and who sucked in the music biz. I’ll love them forever.
-- Hold on. Wait a minute. 3 things, people. My name is Junior and correct me if I’m wrong, but damnit, we’re supposed to tell about celebrities we hate and yet the last person tells how much they love them? This is wrong. But even wronger, you have to name these people! Using initials is a cop out. And last, what’s with all the musicians stuff? Everybody knows musicians are terrible people. Plus, in my opinion, they’re barely celebrities. That’s all I have to say.
-- Me next? Ok, he is an American politician named Chucky (my pet love name for him) who first dated me, then gaslighted me, then ghosted me and now refuses to have anything to do with me. Sure, I called him a liar and a cheat on social media, but then he tried to sue me for doing him wrong, like I was some high school girly who didn’t know how to get what she wants. I notified the press of us going to court and he immediately dropped the lawsuit, even still, is that reason enough to do me like he’s done? I’m not even going to use his initials ‘cause he’ll send some goons to find me. But I hate Chucky the political prick.
-- Can I include my own family members? My name is Christopher and I am 11. My uncle T.T. and my dad J.T. are a comedy team that have been using me as a butt of their jokes as long as I can remember. I hate people laughing at me. Makes me crazy. When I get big enough, I’m going to break both their legs. I have a 35 ounce Barry Bonds bat I’m going to use. It’s heavy. We will see who has the last laugh.
-- My husband, B.K.L. is a professional rugby player and after about his 20th concussion, started being mean to me and the children. We tried to get him help but every doctor told him to stop playing rugby, and of course, he wouldn’t hear of it. If he hits me one more time, I’m going to leave him. As horrible as it is to say, my husband is the celebrity I hate.
-- Jesus Christ! It’s me again, Junior. Hello?! Earlier, I asked you very nicely to give the celebrity’s name but you all continue to be cryptic like it’s some sort of game. Well it’s not! So now you are forcing me to tell a real story about a real celebrity which I didn’t want to do primarily because I don’t want to get sued again. Ahem. George Clooney, that’s right, the real George Clooney, ran me off the road on his motorcycle. I was just hitchhiking on the LA Freeway, as you do, and the bastard came straight for me and veered away at the very last moment. I fell back and could have really hurt myself or maybe worse. He pulls over, parks his bike, a custom made Exile cycle, takes off his half shell helmet and walks back toward me. I recognize him, of course, but he starts out like he’s a cop.
-- There’s no hitchhiking on the LA Freeway.
-- You could have killed me.
-- That would have been unfortunate.
-- You think?
-- You’re hitching at the apex of a curve. You can’t be seen until it’s almost too late. But I see there is no damage done so I will apologize and move on.
(Clooney turns to go back to his bike)
-- Hey wait.
-- What.
-- You never actually apologized. Not really.
-- Sure I did.
-- I don’t remember you saying to me, ‘Sorry kid, almost killed ya there. Almost caused a Hollywood sensation story equaled only by Fatty Arbuckle. Here’s my card, let me know if there is anything else I can do for you, and please, accept my apology for almost killing you in cold blood.’ You remember saying anything like that?
-- No, nor will I ever. I’m glad no one was hurt and there was no accident. My apologies for scaring you.
-- Scaring me?!
-- That’s all that happened.
Calling it a scare, can you believe that? I could have died motherfucker! I have hated that guy ever since.
What a fine collection of anecdotes.
Signed, the Management
