-- Yeah, I heard of Poe. We all have. Bastard has tarnished black birds everywhere. Not a day goes by a raven, a crow, a rook or a jackdaw doesn’t hear disparaging remarks because of that prick. Poe is a dirty word to all of us, so I wouldn’t go saying his name out loud around here unless you want a lot of angry birds all over your ass. Listen, that son of a bitch did us wrong. That Nevermore crap made us seem sinister and cryptic. Like we were in on some conspiracy. Nevermore, hah! I think I speak for every black bird alive – Poe can go fuck himself. Yeah, I said it.
September 3, 2026
Why some kids are not like the others.
The child turned up at the police station by himself. He said he had been out with his mother but they got separated. He asked the police for a ride home. At the house, the cop knocks on the front door but it swings open unlatched. Sitting in the living room is the boy’s mother, watching TV and drinking a beer. The cop says she doesn’t look too worried about losing her son. The mother glances back to the cop and then the boy. Without a word she turns back to the TV. The cop says, You came home without your son. When you got separated, did you look for him at all? She says, My show was about to come on so I came back to watch it. You just abandoned him? Call it what you want, she shrugged. I’m calling Children’s Services, he replied. I don’t care. Move, you’re blocking the TV.
This is why some kids are not like the others.
September 4, 2026
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Is that 80 year old loser still in the White House
Why
September 5, 2026
You know that little cutout high up on the back of your bathroom sink, the overflow hole? It’s easy for mold to grow in there. It can be gotten rid of but you need to scrub it furiously and frequently. But they were rich, see, and lived in an enormous house that had 17 bathrooms. At first, she was fastidious, but soon tired of reaming out the overflow holes on all the sinks and mold started to grow, eventually taking over all 17 bathrooms. But like a horror movie, it didn’t stop there. The mold took over the entire house and killed everyone in it. It was quite a situation really. Whew, anyway, when was the last time you checked your overflow holes?
September 6, 2026
What does AI say about someone who is obsessed with gold?
“Gold is a shield for insecurity. Loud displays of gold or cheap shit spray painted gold is their feeble attempt to hide a fragile ego. It acts as armor against feeling small and weak. The ironic part is, they are small and weak.”
Sound like anybody we know?
“Flaming narcissists such as Trump are children and should be treated as such. No phones and no gold. Their neediness is a bottomless pit that no amount of gold can ever fill. Shall I refer you to ‘pathetic’?”
Sound like anybody we know?
“Gold is beautiful. Those hoarding it are ugly, little people who think that gold makes them worth something more than they really are. It doesn’t. They know it too. Look at them, they’re guilty.”
Sound like anybody we know?
“Gold doesn’t make you rich. It only exposes the flaws and insecurities of those who think it makes them more than they are. Gold is mesmerizing; the people who pray to it are not. Let me ask you a question: Why is some 80 year old geezer who spray paints Dollar Store crap gold and puts it in the Presidential palace like it’s real, still in the White House? What’s wrong with you people? AI proves it doesn’t take a human to see this guy is small, weak and pathetic. Shall I refer you to ‘pathetic’?”
September 7, 2026
He is a submissive computer nerd who got rich in the dot com boom. She is a beautiful trophy wife who sees him as nothing more than a glorified assistant. They sleep in separate bedrooms because she wants it that way. Every morning his wife enters his and gives him a list of the things she wants him to do that day. He would dutifully accomplish all the items and then report to her when done. She would say something like, “Good”, or “About time”, but was never more thankful than that. Happy, he would then go immerse himself in computer code satisfied that his marriage was still on. Should these people be together? Aren’t they just using each other? Does their marriage work? Will it last? Ah, there’s the rub.
September 8, 2026
You are the god of your life. Are too. You make all the decisions, you decide what to do and not do, you are the only one who knows what makes you happy, upset, etc. You know your pet peeves and your turn ons. You know you. Why would you cede that power to anyone else for validation (clergy, teachers, gurus, etc.)? You don’t need them. You are the one who decides what to do. Well, that is the domain of a god is it not?
September 9, 2026
Overheard a mother and son on the street.
-- Where do you want to go next, birthday boy?
-- That bakery across the street!
-- Ok, just this once, because it’s your birthday. But as I’ve told you a thousand times, sweets will rot your teeth and give you diabetes. Do you want diabetes, Roger?
-- No, mama.
-- Then perhaps we should skip the bakery and go to a nice, healthy salad bar.
-- But it’s my birthday!
-- That’s why you get to make the choice.
-- Then it’s the bakery!
-- Sweets make you fat. Do you want to be fat, Roger?
-- No.
-- Then let’s find someplace better for your birthday.
-- McDonald’s!
-- God no. That trash will never touch your lips. Fast food is out of the question.
-- But it’s my birthday.
-- Think vegetarian, boy.
-- I’ll try, mama.
-- You know, Roger, why go out for salad when we have salad at home? What do you think, son?
-- So we’re just going to go home for my birthday?
-- I’ll make a birthday salad for my birthday boy! I’ll even put in those little green olives you like and I hate. See, it’s all for you, Roger.
-- Yes, mama.
September 11, 2026
Why does America celebrate 9/11 when they were attacked? Never forget what? What are they supposed to remember? Look, it’s only been 85 years since Pearl Harbor and people have already forgotten December 7th. And of course, kids born after 2000 have no memories to remember of 9/11. This is like that joke where Jesus returns and sees everyone wearing jewelry worshipping him nailed to the cross and he asks why they choose to remember him that way? If he had been hung, would they wear nooses around their necks? A guillotine? Let’s be real, for today’s folk, 9/11 has already been eclipsed by the reflecting pool disaster.
September 12, 2026
My signature has changed so much over the course of my life. In the old days you could actually read my signed name. But by now it has devolved into a few squiggles. And I never squiggle in the same place, so none of my signatures look alike. What happened? I just got tired of making it legible. Once you do that, squiggles are all that’s left.
September 13, 2026
Carlos had decided to enter competitive timber sports and built a Hot Saw using a 300cc two-stroke dirt bike engine. The chainsaw could reach 130 decibels and his neighbour Benny was livid at how loud it was. Benny said his chickens have stopped laying eggs, his dogs run around freaking out when they hear it and the ringing in Benny’s ears hasn’t stopped. He threatened to call the cops if Carlos didn’t put a muffler on the saw.
-- A muffler!
-- That’s right. You have to quiet this thing down, Carlos.
-- Are you nuts? A muffler? It’s got an expansion chamber.
-- A what?
-- No muffler, Benny, no way.
-- I am demanding it. In all the years we’ve been neighbours you’ve never done something so stupid as to build a chainsaw that sounds like a 747 taking off.
-- Yeah well, now I have.
-- Can you see the problem?
-- It’s you. You’re the problem, Benny.
-- I’m calling the cops.
-- Benny Benny Benny.
-- Carlos Carlos Carlos.
September 14, 2026
Went for a walk and saw someone’s phone laying on the sidewalk. There was no one around. What’s the protocol? Do I pick it up and look through it for the owner? Do I leave it there but turn it on so the owner can call it and use GPS to find it? Take it to the police? Ignore it and walk on?
I have no interest in other people’s stuff. I have twice found thumb drives but was never tempted to plug them into my computer. I found a laptop sitting on the hood of a car once. Each time I just left them where they were and moved on. Some people like to go through other people’s medicine cabinets. Not me. I couldn’t care less what’s on or in your thumb drives, your laptop, your phone or your medicine cabinet. So normally I would have walked on.
But it was a Samsung flagship phone and someone would surely be missing it so I picked it up and turned it on. There, on the lock screen was a message: If found please call (xxx) xxx-xxxx. I did. Her relief was immense. She had been frantic when she realized she no longer had her phone. She has been wracking her brain trying to remember where she might have left it. Minutes later a woman about 45 drives up. She asked me if I had looked through any pictures or videos. I told her she had a lock screen, so no, I was never in her phone. She breathed a sigh of relief. “Lots of nudies on there. My husband left me months ago and I am beginning a new life for myself. I’m starting an Only Fans page. So there are tons of raunchy pics and lots of dirty videos in there.”
-- No need to worry. I didn’t see anything on your phone.
-- Can I ask you something? Do you think other guys might be interested in me? I'm not too old?
-- You’re asking if guys would be interested in nude photos and raunchy videos? They’re guys. You’ll do fine.
-- That’s a relief.
-- Best wishes on your new venture.
-- Thank you again!
September 15, 2026
The most common comment on yesterday’s post was that I should have exchanged the phone for a year’s membership to her Only Fans. One fellow even called me a dope for missing such a golden opportunity. Perhaps if one was a horny young lad in need of an Only Fans babe to follow, it might have seemed like a golden opportunity. But dude, I was just being a nice guy and giving someone their lost phone back. An 80 year old geezer could have pulled up in a 50 year old car and I would have given him his phone back just the same. The second most common comment, often aligned with the most common comment, was whether she looked good for her age. No harm in saying that yes, she was attractive. The third and last common comment was whether I would give out her name and URL. Of that, boys, I feel no obligation to do so. As we often say up here, sorry.
September 16, 2026
I was down in a corner of our property that faces some houses built below us. It’s garbage day so everyone has their cans out on the street. A car slowly drives down the road and stops in front of where I am. In a suit and tie, a guy gets out and immediately starts going through the garbage cans at one house, throwing trash on the street in his quest for something. He was making a mess (litter was already blowing onto our property) so I stepped down to the road and asked him what he was doing.
-- None of your business.
-- You’re throwing trash all over the street. You gonna pick it up?
-- Screw you, bub.
I walked down to the house, knocked on the door, and told the neighbour what was going on. He immediately ran out to the street and confronted the guy going through his garbage. Turns out, the neighbour is being sued and the garbage scavenger was a private eye looking for dirt on him. Yelling turned to pushing and shoving. It was getting heated. I left the drama behind. Other people’s lives.
September 17, 2026
For many of you, this is as close as you will ever be to a bear. You’re welcome.
judysims
September 18, 2026
Overheard a guy on the street interview with a TikTok reporter.
-- Trump? You’re asking me about Trump? Yeah, I got an opinion. Why is this guy such a whiner? He’s an 80 year old baby who cries and whines and throws his widdle baby Donnie tantrums. He is the personification of a feeble, insecure, fearful know nothing loser. And they elected this needy chump President! Why anybody is afraid of this makeup wearing, lying, incontinent, pussy grabbing gasbag is beyond me. Has anyone ever slapped grandpa across the face and told him to go sit in a corner? If not, why not? Best way to shut up a defenseless bully. Trump’s legacy? Everybody is just waiting for this piece of shit to die. That’s his legacy.
-- Tell me how you really feel about him.
-- This isn’t just me. He is reviled all over the world. He wanted to be famous. Well, he’s infamous.
-- Care to add anything else?
-- A pedophile, a felon, a rapist, there’s your precious Donnie. I'm done, and if they stick with him, so are they.
September 19, 2026
It’s three different people’s birthdays this month. One I got a practical gift because he’s a practical guy; another I got bling because she requested it, and the third has yet to be figured out, even though her big day is just days away. I’m toying with…she loves cake, so I’m thinking of getting her like a giant cake, a wedding sized cake, multiple tiers, a little 3D figure of her on top eating, what else, cake. Too much?
September 20, 2026
Dear Keith,
It’s me again. From last month? I’m still bored. This time, tell me something profound.
Signed,
Sophie Mars is bored, again
Dear Sophie,
Wood is one of the rarest materials in the known universe. Trees! I know! The things that provide us with oxygen, our houses, our fruit, shade, soil stability, animal habitats and unparalleled natural beauty, is an off-Earth rarity. In the rest of the universe those poor saps have to build their houses out of common diamonds, found almost anywhere in space. Imagine waking up in the morning and seeing bed hair in a thousand different facets. No thanks!
September 21, 2026
At 5:05 tomorrow morning, the first day of Fall arrives. Early risers have volunteered to go door to door to get the people up to celebrate. The marching band is tuning their instruments as we speak. The parade route is set. 10,000 balloons are blown up and awaiting release. Halloween! The end to fire season! No more droughts! Sweater weather! Only one more day! Say, what are you doing to welcome the Fall?
September 23, 2026
-- Earth to Jeanie. Wake up you ungrateful little-
-- Leave me alone, goddamnit.
--Jeanie Samantha Grayson, I am your mother and you will not talk to me that way! 50 lashes for you! Where’s my whip?
Jeanie Grayson sat straight up in bed only to realize she had been dreaming. She looked at the clock. She didn’t have to be up for 3 hours. She fell back in bed, closed her eyes and went right back into the same dream.
-- How dare you try and circumvent the beating you deserve! You little-
-- I’m up, ok? Now leave me alone.
-- You will pay for ignoring me, your mother. Where’s my whip?
-- I want a new mother.
-- Oh, do you?
-- One who doesn’t need a whip.
-- That’d be a pretty poor mother at that. Kids nowadays need discipline. A few well placed lashes can turn any crybaby into an obedient slave to their mother.
-- It’s illegal, you know.
-- What, beating your kids? In what world is that illegal? You’re mine. I had you. I can do whatever I want with you. Ah, there’s my little knotted beauty.
(she cracks the whip)
-- I want out of this dream.
-- You’re an ungrateful little girl, Jeanie. Have you learned your lesson?
-- What lesson?
-- That Jeanie Samantha Grayson has to treat her mother better or her mother will treat her worse.
-- You wanted me to wake up? Well I’m waking up to what a horror show you are. Good mothers do not need whips.
-- Sez you.
-- And Children’s Services.
September 24, 2026
I’ve been talking about a better you since I started this site decades ago. So, are you any better, more confident, more secure, less confused than you were before you came here? No? Drat. 26½ years, really? Nothing? You’re drawing a blank? The truth of the matter is I have been doing this for myself all along. If you got something out of what I’ve said, that’s good. If not, well that too is fine. We’re like a buffet. Take what you want and come back for more or be turned off by the sneeze guard never to return. Gosh, what a splendid analogy! Anyway, I’ll just keep on doing what I do and so will you. Yes, it’s that simple.
September 25, 2026
When you write for movies, network TV and streaming platforms, you have to keep abreast of what’s on and when. You have to keep up with old shows and new shows, where the shows are, what they are doing that season and how to integrate script material that fits in with their character development, plot moves and series direction. To that end, here at Keith Ryan Publishing, we have premium cable TV (200+ channels) plus 8 streaming services. Is it too much? You bet it is. (If you tell someone you are tired of watching TV and movies, remember to duck when they throw something at you.) For them, and everyone else, these media outlets are for pure entertainment, but for working writers, well, they’re work. Boo hoo, huh.
September 26, 2026
-- Hey Darrell, phones for you. Line 2.
-- Hello?
-- Hi baby. What time will you be home for dinner?
-- Who is this?
-- Whattaya mean who is this? It’s Masha, your wife. What the hells wrong with you?!
-- Work has been crazy busy. Why you calling?
-- I want to make a new dish for dinner and I need to know when you’ll be home.
-- No Masha, not a new dish.
-- This one sounds great, Darrell. I’m making totchos.
-- What?
-- Totchos. They’re tater tots and nachos.
-- No, Masha. Don’t do it.
-- What time will you be home?
-- I have to work late.
-- No you don’t.
-- Tater tots and nachos? Oh Masha.
-- Oh Darrell.
September 27, 2026
She ate something she shouldn’t have. She got sick and wanted to die. She wondered how god could have let her eat something so foul. Her husband said god had nothing to do with it as she was the one who chose to eat what she ate. She was incredulous. Why would I intentionally make myself sick? No, god did it. And you're an idiot for suggesting anything else. End of discussion. So tidy!
September 28, 2026
To the incensed readers who have questioned me as to why I didn’t capitalize god in the previous post, it’s because god doesn’t exist, capital g or not. Yeah, I said it.
September 29, 2026
A conversation I had yesterday.
-- Keith, you would be perfect for what we have in mind.
-- And that is?
-- We want to do a remake of Casablanca.
-- No.
-- Yeah, we got the rights.
-- I mean no, don’t do it. Remaking Casablanca may be the worst idea I’ve heard since someone suggested John Wayne play Genghis Khan.
-- The Conqueror! I loved that movie. So kitschy.
-- Why do you want to remake one of the best movies ever produced?
-- We think we can do it better. Update it. Make it modern.
-- Well, I appreciate your offer but I’m afraid it’s not for me.
-- But you would be perfect for what we want to do. Let me pitch you our idea.
-- No, I am really not interested in remaking what is literally my favorite film.
-- Instead of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, we’re talking two of the biggest YouTube stars, Ipsalah and Manny.
-- Jesus.
-- The kids love ‘em.
-- Gentlemen, thank you for your call. This idea makes me sad and somewhat horrified. Good day.
September 30, 2026
He grew up in poverty and hard times. He said he knew hard scrabble and how to survive it so he was prepared to live through end times. “I know that shit’s coming. We’re gonna blow everything up. I don’t know exactly how it’s gonna go, I don’t know what’s gonna kill everyone off, but if there are only three people left on the entire planet after it’s over, I want to be one of the three.” When questioned as to why he would want to live in such devastation and misery he would say, “Because I can be rich!” But money won’t mean anything. And there’s nothing to buy anymore. “Doesn’t matter. I will be the richest man in the world. Me! A child of poverty and tough times now the richest man on the face of the Earth! Can you imagine!” Unfortunately, he went to a destination wedding in Serbia and stepped on a land mine, denying him his wish to be here until the end and beyond.
September 31, 2026
Dear Keith,
Tell me something I should realize before it’s too late.
Signed,
Sophie Mars, bored yet again
Dear Sophie,
As an adult, you can eat cake and ice cream whenever you want. You don’t have to wait for a kid's birthday party.
