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KeithSpeak - May 2016


May 3, 2016
I count the photos around my office. There are 6 of my wife and 23 of our dogs. That seems about right.
May 4, 2016
Just got back from the dentist. He says I need another root canal. I don't really want another root canal. He insists. Sigh.
May 5, 2016
Years ago I heard a man say he wasn't going to take any chances in his life. He said that he wasn't the risk taking type and if given a choice, would always play it safe. But then he married a wild child. She was possessed of bohemian genes and a gambler's attitude. He was into quiet nights reading a book or playing computer chess; she was into any drug that passed her by, alcohol of any sort and uninhibited no holds barred sex with whomever she pleased. They've been married a couple of years now. Were they in it for the long haul? Hard to say.
May 6, 2016
You bring home the love of your life only to see how disappointed your parents are. You try to smooth things over but the damage is done. They hate Gary. Your mother calls him a loser, your father says there's nothing to like about this creep and the fact that he is boning his little girl makes him want to throw up. Gary's self-esteem takes a hit. He knows mom and dad are no prizes either and he could easily beat them both up, but he wants to continue to have sex with Julie, so he says nothing. Julie is mortified that her parents are slagging off Gary to his face. She wants to die. She leaves, enters her parents' bedroom, pulls the handgun from the nightstand drawer, turns toward the living room... and pulls the trigger. Did she kill herself? Mom and Dad? Gary? All of the above?
May 7, 2016
In the lead up to the Rio Olympics, the Rugby 7s Balkan Championships were held this past weekend. It came down to the All Peasant Rugby 7s versus the Combined Military Rugby 7s. The military were allowed to use their guns while the peasants were afforded guile, children as fast as lightening and the most ferocious prop this side of the Balkans, Sonya "the barbarian" Koznitska. Her manhandling of Sgt. Babacoff was already becoming legendary amongst the massive crowd on hand. In the end, the military were forced to shoot the peasants to maintain their superiority and undefeated Rugby 7s record. To a man they said they were excited for Rio.
May 10, 2016
Went out of town yesterday and spent a total of an hour and a half sitting in traffic while the road was being repaved. During the 90 minute wait I witnessed multiple men and women exiting their cars to pee by the side of the road. Given the lack of privacy and the ubiquitousness of smartphone cameras, exposure on the Net was virtually guaranteed. In 2016, that my friends, is the price of relieving oneself in public. Whether you see that as a small price or a high price, is of course, up to you.
May 12, 2016
Look, if you're going to shortchange the spiritual aspects of your life by not believing in yourself but instead in some fantasy, pie in the sky god-dude or dudess who is running your life for you like you're a puppet and they're pulling the strings, then how can you expect to live and learn about yourself as you go through life? You will always lay the blame for your failures and the praise for your successes on your made up god, as if you had nothing to do with it, when in reality, you had absolutely everything to do with it. Wake up.
May 14, 2016
Met a guy who was marrying his wife for the third time. They had married, divorced, married again, divorced again and are marrying for the third time. I asked him why. He said that every time they got divorced, she got half his stuff and he wanted it back. Wow.
May 15, 2016
Little Leo flunked his driving test for the second time and was deeply distraught. What would the other dogs think of him?
May 17, 2016
I'm watching a father show his young son how to hit a baseball. The kid kept missing, got frustrated and threw the bat into the infield. The boy then went to the backstop, retrieved the baseballs he couldn't hit and threw them at his father before storming off the diamond yelling that baseball was stupid, his father was stupid and he wanted to go home. In that moment, Dad realized his son was not destined for professional ball, had anger issues, and was more like his mother than he cared to admit.
May 18, 2016
Things I'm tired of: Modern Family, Trump, religion, ignorant ass politicians, land developers and scumbags in all their forms. I'm sure I'll come up with more stuff later. Stay tuned.
May 20, 2016
30 years ago, when my wife and I were thinking of moving from the States to this small Canadian town, we were up for the weekend checking things out when the stick shift in our Toyota Landcruiser wouldn't change gears. We limped into the local Toyota dealership and it turns out they didn't have the part we needed in stock and couldn't get one for almost a week. Instead, they took a brand new Landcruiser off the showroom floor, dismantled the shifter and took the part out of that to put in our truck so we could go on our way. Can you believe that?! To say we were floored was an understatement.
We eventually moved to this same small town and have been a customer of that dealership ever since. It's now 30 years later and a few days ago I get stopped on the street by a man I didn't know, who asks me if I am Keith Ryan. Turns out, he is the mechanic who did the work on our truck that day! He remembered me, our Landcruiser, and the complimentary letter I wrote to the dealership after we got back home. That was 30 years ago! I was absolutely gobsmacked. Made my day. Hell, I'm still thinking about it. That's how you build brand loyalty.
May 21, 2016
My idea of a good time.  
May 23, 2016
Last night I sat and listened to a fabulous rendering of Beethoven's 9th. I closed my eyes and for the next hour just listened as this amazing piece of work massaged my soul. That scherzo and Ode To Joy, my god. Right now, I'm listening to his glorious 5th as I write. Dude could compose, eh.
May 25, 2016
Don't let the uncertainty of life get you down, reverse the thought and imagine everything is worked out ahead of time in your dream state. You just live it the following days. Feel better?
May 26, 2016
Listen all, I have to take a trip abroad and will be gone for the rest of this month. If we don't see each other again until June, you think of me, I'll think of you, it'll make our reunion that much sweeter. Ta.

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