-- Ronald, what was the name of that movie we watched last night?
-- I don’t know. Some turgid drama I couldn’t wait to forget.
-- Yeah, but what was the name?
-- I don’t know. Why would you want to remember the name of a crappy movie we both said was awful?
-- I just want to know.
-- Well, I can’t help you.
-- Well who was in it?
-- I don’t remember.
-- You’re no help!
-- I just said that! What do you want from me?
-- The name of the movie!
-- Look, even if I could remember, at this point I would no longer say.
-- At what point?
-- You’re nagging me about it.
-- I am not nagging. I just want to know. Is that so awful?
-- Yes.
-- Why are you so mean?
-- Because this conversation is ridiculous.
-- You’re saying I’m ridiculous?
-- Oh god, here it comes.
-- Here comes what?
-- Next you’ll tell me how your mother said you shouldn’t marry me.
-- So? She was right.
-- This is all because of some stupid movie, Betty.
-- Exactly.
-- Forget it.
-- Forget you.
March 2, 2026
I was getting a little nervous. Suddenly I started noticing a bunch of stories about exploding lithium batteries. The more that I saw the more I got worried. Why am I seeing these now? Am I trying to warn myself? I looked around my office and I saw lithium snowblower batteries, lithium batteries for pairs of snowmobile heated gloves, lithium batteries for cell phones and a giant one for an electric winch. Never one to throw caution (or my intuition) to the wind, I immediately bought a fireproof, explosion proof lithium battery bag and stuffed all the potential offending batteries within it. What’s the saying - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of fires, or something like that?
March 3, 2026
Every news headline now starts with ‘Diaper Don and his feckless goons…’
March 4, 2026
We have had to cancel and replace the same credit card 3 times this year because of fraud. You buy something and then your card number gets co-opted and suddenly scammers are buying all kinds of crap on your dime (the last one was a $3,000 piece of slate for a pool table!). Then you spend hours on the phone getting the charges nullified, the card cancelled and wait for weeks to get a new credit card. 3 times this year! What is this world coming to? And what the hell happened to the old piece of slate?
March 5, 2026
It’s been decided. British Columbia is going to stay on Daylight Savings Time permanently. We will have more of the sun than anybody! Greedy? Perhaps. Jealous? That’s not for us to say (but we suspect it). Come this Fall, when you all have to hunker down in your dark caves, we will be out rejoicing in our permanent daylight! Sweet.
March 6, 2026
Art?
March 7, 2026
I was thinking about old friends. One just recently died. Two died years ago. One is living in Tennessee, one in Georgia, one in Ontario and one in Oregon. The two in Europe both got married (or remarried) within a month of each other but I didn’t go to either wedding. The one in Australia got pinched for a crime and is now incarcerated for the next 5 years. The one in Chicago keeps moving but always seems to end up back in Chicago. The one in Cancun I haven’t seen in years, but the next time I do, it will be like we saw each other yesterday. Old friends, regardless of circumstances, remain old friends. One may have a lot of acquaintances, but generally, one doesn’t make a lot of enduring friendships in a life. Those that are, always remain. Comforting, no?
March 8, 2026
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
MARCO
You been perving on my mom?
KYLE
I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I refuse.
MARCO
That doesn’t make any sense.
KYLE
All right, if you must know,
I am attracted to your mom.
MARCO
She’s 59!
KYLE
She’s hot. I go for older women.
MARCO
You’re messed up, man.
KYLE
I’ve got to have her.
MARCO
Ew! And what about my father?
KYLE
What about your father?
MARCO
He’s a professional boxer, Kyle.
He will beat the shit out of you.
KYLE
I don’t care. I must have her.
MARCO
I’m telling you, leave her alone
if you still want to have teeth.
KYLE
Do you think she would go for someone like me?
MARCO
No.
KYLE
I’m going for it anyway.
MARCO
You’re an idiot.
KYLE
I want her.
MARCO
You better not get her pregnant.
I don’t want some
fucked up Kyle half-brother.
KYLE
I’ll wear protection.
Do you have her e-mail address?
MARCO
Her e-mail?
You’re seriously messed up, man.
Leave my mom alone.
KYLE
I just want her e-mail.
MARCO
You want more than that.
KYLE
I do. And I’m gonna have it.
MARCO
Jesus, this is like a bad movie or something.
March 9, 2026
She was in a wheelchair and couldn’t get up over a curb. Several times people stopped to help her but then immediately turned away without doing anything. Finally, a man tipped her chair over the curb and pushed her onto the sidewalk. She told him how awful Canadians were who wouldn’t help out a handicapped woman and she wished she had never visited this "shithole country". The man said, “If you hadn’t been wearing your ‘I love Trump’ MAGA sweatshirt, you would have found out how helpful Canadians are. Instead, you found out how much Canadians revile Trump.” “Yeah, well fuck you and fuck Canada”, was her response. The man immediately grabbed the handles of her wheelchair and rolled her over the curb and back into the street before walking away. She started screaming at him. A woman strolling by said, “Fuck around and find out,” before she too continued on.
March 11, 2026
You are your own best council. Therefore, talk to yourself like a responsible adult. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t tear yourself down, don’t act as if as if you don’t know what you’re doing. Instead, be kind, be reasonable and be positive in your thoughts and actions. Be your own best council. It’s how you live your best life.
March 12, 2026
The bears are out early. Went tromping through the bush on our property and saw unmistakable signs of awake bears. Usually, the males are up first. They are hungry and can be looking for food anywhere. Perhaps a tasty morsel such as a 6’1” male strolling through the bush on a nice March morning...hey, wait a minute.
March 13, 2026
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Diaper Donnie is a loser, a rapist, a pedophile, a convicted felon and the dumbest person to ever disgrace the Oval Office (George Bush chortles)
Facts is facts
March 14, 2026
It’s almost the Ides of March, the day associated with the assassination of Julius Caesar Diaper Donnie by the senators hoping to preserve the Roman Republic USA. Fingers crossed, eh?
March 15, 2026
Creativity is at the root of our being. It can be manifested in many ways. Some people paint, others write poetry. Me, I made a fence. Yes, I am artiste. Am too.
March 17, 2026
I saw him at the gym and barely recognized him. He used to be a well known actor but had quit acting to move back to his home in Canada. But he had gained about 100 pounds and looked just awful. I went up to him.
-- You may not remember me, but you and I discussed a TV project decades ago.
-- No, I’m sorry, I don’t remember that. I have lost touch with that world.
-- Do you miss acting?
-- Not in the least.
-- What have you been doing with yourself if you’re not working?
-- Eating. Look how fat I am. I started learning how to cook, got really into it and ate everything I made.
-- Will you ever go back to acting?
-- I doubt it. I liked the jobs well enough, but all the crap that came with it – the fame, strangers interrupting my life asking for useless autographs and selfies, the fatuousness of the industry run by accountants and people that only care about money, turned me off. Hollywood can go fuck itself.
-- I see.
-- Are you still writing?
-- I am.
-- How can you stand the soulless movie industry?
-- Unlike you, I am behind the scenes. The public doesn’t know who I am and don’t care. In addition to film and TV, I also write books, print features, and Internet content.
-- Diversified. That’s what I should have done. I should have gotten my puss off the screen and directed or produced. Frankly, that’s too much work. There is one thing the fat has been good for. No one recognizes me. So what am I doing in a gym if fat is my disguise? Screw this, want to go for a beer?
-- It’s 9 in the morning.
-- So?
March 18, 2026
You just got a brand new cell phone. You have a 6 hour flight ahead of you. You’re in an airplane that demands you wear headphones so others don’t have to listen to your phone conversations, music or videos. You pull out your old phone’s wired ear buds and that is when you discover that your new, very expensive cell phone doesn’t have a 3.5mm headphone jack. WTF?
March 19, 2026
Our new neighbour who moved rural from the big city has been putting out his trash on the road just in plastic bags instead of being in cans. For two weeks in a row, racoons got to the bags before the garbage truck and they scattered everything all over his driveway. I saw him picking up the trash and asked him why he didn’t use cans to contain things and he said it was easier than lugging trash cans out to the street and he never had to do that in the big city. Then he asked why raccoons were picking on him. I said it was because they could smell everything in the bags and all they had to do was rip the plastic to feast. Then I told him that the bears were all coming out of hibernation and if he thought the raccoons were bad…
March 20, 2026
The Internet question used to be, If you could time travel back, would you go kill baby Hitler? The updated version is whether you’d go kill baby Trump, even though some are saying he is still a baby so no need to time travel to do it.
March 21, 2026
A piece of malware slipped through, coming in as a legit business e-mail. Immediately, something didn’t seem right and a virus scan caught the offending code so I notified the person being spoofed that malware was being sent out under his e-mail address. He told me to mind my own business. Huh, I thought I was.
March 22, 2026
She dropped her cell phone on the street and found that nothing happened. No cracked glass, it still turned on, hallelujah. She walked another block and it slipped out of her hand again. This time the bezel cracked, the glass broke and though it would still turn on, it was hard to see through the glass spiderwebs. She wanted to sue the manufacturer, she wanted her old phone whole again, she wanted a new phone, she wanted things she couldn’t have. Well, who doesn’t?
March 23, 2026
A friend has three big dogs and two cats. With all the warm weather we’ve been having, the animals are already starting to shed. There is dog and cat hair all over his place. We had a few beers and he asked if I wanted to stay for something to eat. Sure, I said. He whipped up some food and when we sat down to eat, there was hair in the food. It wasn’t mine and it wasn’t his, so it was nothing I couldn’t live with. What?
March 25, 2026
After 3 months, I finished a bespoke script for a well known actress. I sent the director, production entity and her the screenplay, which she read and passed on to her agent. Her agent then called me and requested a whole bunch of changes. I asked the actress to be more specific about the notes. She knew nothing about them. Her agent said he was looking out for her best interest. Of course, the director had his own notes and the production company also had their desired changes. Everybody wanted something different done with the script. I had just spent 3 months writing a tight, meticulous screenplay and everybody wanted to add their 2 cents. Welcome to the movie biz, eh.
March 27, 2026
She flew to her brother’s wedding in Mexico City.
-- Emilio, thanks for picking me up. You must be crazy busy with the wedding.
-- That’s all, Esmeralda. I have nothing better to do than pick you up at the airport.
-- Well congrats, my brother! I’m so happy for you!
-- Thanks, Maria. I can’t tell you how excited Mama was that you’re coming home.
-- I know. She must have called me 10 times confirming that I was coming.
-- How long since you last saw her?
-- It’s been 3 years. God, why did I ever move to Texas?
-- Your job, remember.
-- Just being back here… I forgot how much I love Mexico.
-- You could move back, Maria.
-- But it took so long to get a green card.
-- You told me you hate your job and all the pendejos in Texas. You could quit.
-- I don’t know.
-- Mama would go crazy if you came back. Me and Esse would love it too.
-- I don’t know.
-- Think about it. No more ICE agents. No more right wing racists to deal with. No more gilipollas Trump.
-- I can’t believe what a dick that guy is.
-- How long are you staying?
-- Just 5 days. That’s all I could get away from work.
-- You move here, you don’t need to get away.
-- Screw work. I’m here to party with my brother and his new wife. Let’s go.
-- Mama has been cooking all day. I hope you’re hungry.
-- I am hungry for all things Mexican!
-- Ese es el espíritu.
March 28, 2026
He was an autistic boy who observed that every time the family dog wanted out, he would stand by the door and bark just once. After a bit, whenever the boy wanted outside, instead of just opening the door, which he was perfectly capable of doing, he would stand in front of it and woof just once. Who said you can’t teach a young boy new tricks?
March 29, 2026
Life can change in a moment.
He was a philosophy student home for the holidays. Over dinner he remarked that, “Life is a beautiful mystery.” His mother said there was nothing beautiful about it. His father said there is no mystery to an unrelenting life of misery. His sister said he was full of shit. Disillusioned, he finished dinner and decided to become a plumber.
Life can change in a moment.
March 30, 2026
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Trump is the punchline for the worse joke ever told
Diaper Donnie is President? Ha ha
March 31, 2026
He was a right wing zealot and incredibly dumb. His fervor for anything conservative – endless, useless war, disenfranchising the poor, the handicapped and eliminating the education of anyone with half a brain – was palpable. When he died at 29, choking on a piece of meat, not one person attended his funeral. Many who knew of him said “Good riddance”. He left this life without love for anyone or anything that didn’t harm others. What a waste.
