Overheard a mother and daughter at the Farmer’s Market.
-- I hate fresh vegetables. I want to eat meat like Daddy does.
-- I’m raising you as a vegetarian, Cassie.
-- I hate it. All my friends go to McDonald’s, but I can’t.
-- You will grow up strong and healthy and they will all die off like flies. What you eat is important.
-- I want to eat meat.
-- How many times have I said, don’t eat anything with a face.
-- I could sneak some.
-- Don’t even joke about that.
-- Why are you doing this to me?
-- Because I love you.
-- But Daddy eats meat. Don’t you love him?
-- Sometimes...
-- I hate this family.
-- Come on, Cas, let’s find some good tasty veggies.
-- You’re joking, right? We might as well look for a unicorn.
-- Unicorns have faces.
-- I didn't mean to eat. I meant there are no such thing as tasty veg-
-- I know what you meant. But don't joke about unicorns. They have faces too.
-- They're not real, Mom.
-- Still.
April 2, 2026
For years their computer savvy 16 year old son has been spamming older people out of their retirement savings. His parents finally asked him where he was getting the money when he bought a $25,000 Ducati motorcycle. He made up some bullshit story that his mother thought was plausible but his father didn’t. He literally took the kid out to the woodshed and beat the truth out of him. When his father found out his kid was pilfering the life savings of older people, he reported him to the police and gave them his son’s computer. Because he was 16, he appeared in juvenile court. However, because he had ripped off so many people for significant amounts of money, he was sentenced as an adult and put in a federal penitentiary. While incarcerated, the kid was abused and eventually committed suicide. His parents never got over it and divorced. The modern day American dream?
April 3, 2026
April 4, 2026
You know the phrase, They don’t make ‘em like they used to? We just had an appliance die that lasted so long it outlasted the company. For over 30 years we had a Kenmore refrigerator from Sears (remember them?) that gave up the ghost yesterday. It was so old it still used freon. No one ever sheds tears over a lost appliance, but crying over room temperature spilt milk might just suffice.
April 5, 2026
Well, America is now pretty much a world pariah. How’s all that winning bullshit going for ya? Oh look, Diaper Donnie is playing golf again; just ruining the country 18 holes at a time. Isn’t that something.
April 6, 2026
A friend asked me to look at her tower computer as it was overheating. The outside vents were covered in dog hair (she has 3 Huskies). I opened the case and found an enormous amount of dog hair inside. Black and white strands had wrapped themselves around the fan blades so it was barely spinning. There was so much hair on the motherboard it looked like it was covered in a fur blanket. I cleaned out the case and put it all back together. The computer hummed like it was new. She was grateful. The Huskies couldn’t have cared less. Sigh.
April 7, 2026
A hard core, not to be trusted neighbour asked if he could borrow our tractor. I told him no, but I would use it to help him. That wasn’t good enough. He went to another neighbour and asked to borrow his tractor, and he let him. The guy returned it three days later, trashed. The paint was scratched to hell, it had dented fenders, a mangled, misaligned front bucket and multiple deep slashes on the tires. He literally dropped it off and said, Thanks, before leaving. He never explained what he did with it, never offered to pay for repairs and burned any good will he had with the guy who loaned him the equipment. I didn’t dodge a bullet, I was just better at reading people than the guy whose tractor got hosed.
April 8, 2026
Ack, I have to go out of town for the next two days. See you on Friday.
April 10, 2026
Overheard a couple out of town.
-- I will not give in to Jeremy’s advances.
-- What are you talking about?
-- Your partner, Jeremy? He came on to me.
-- My business partner, Jeremy Chubb?
-- How many other Jeremy’s do you know?
-- What happened?
-- He came on to me. Said you didn’t have to know.
-- I’ll kill him.
-- And ruin your partnership? We need that money, Alan.
-- But he wants to have sex with you behind my back!
-- Is that so bad to protect our income?
-- You just said you wouldn’t give in to his advances!
-- That partnership gives us everything – our house, the car, the perks.
-- You’re saying you would have sex with him to protect our lifestyle?
-- I dunno, maybe.
-- Jesus, Darla.
-- It’s just sex, Alan. I could do it with Jeremy…if he wants.
-- I don’t know you anymore.
-- It’s just sex. What’s the big deal?
-- You just said you wouldn’t do it. Now you say you will.
-- I was just testing your reaction.
-- My reaction is to kill him.
-- He’s not bad looking, and he’s super rich, Alan.
-- My business partner wants to screw my wife, for what?
-- For our house, our car, our 6 figure income. Come on, just think about it.
-- Trust me, I won't stop thinking about it.
April 11, 2026
A friend in the States says he is going to stop paying taxes so that a cretin like Trump can’t use his money to fund his bogus wars. He said if his money was going to buy bullets he’d rather they be used on all the sycophant Republicans propping up the massive loser that is Trump. He said Iran has never done a thing to him, but Trump has ruined his life. Take away the cretin’s support, he said, and you are just left with a pathetic loser.
April 12, 2026
In Canada we have a word that fits Diaper Donnie to a T.
hoser
Canadian
[hoh-zer]/ ˈhoʊ zər /
an unintelligent or uncouth person
a loser
a person of limited thought and deficient intellect
a poseur, often thought of as a dolt or sap
a person engaged in criminal schemes
a doofus or bonehead
an oaf of limited understanding and comprehension
a dupe
a chump
a foolish, uncultivated boob
a person of zero aptitude, smarts or discernment
a defective human
a moron
a total idiot
If the shoe fits…
April 13, 2026
I was driving on a back road when I came upon a tractor that had a load of wet concrete in the front bucket and both front tires blown off the rims. I stopped. The first thing he asked was if I knew what PSI should be in his front tractor tires. I guessed at least 30 pounds apiece. He groaned and said they had 6 pounds each. Well that, plus the weight in the bucket, would explain why they popped off the rims. He had no cell phone so I told him I would call a tire shop to send a truck out to remount the tires, but he started freaking out that by the time they got there the concrete would set in his bucket before he could pour it. Then what am I gonna do?! He started suspiciously looking around. I knew he was going to dump that concrete right there, so I left before I was a witness to an environment disaster.
April 14, 2026
Overheard at the dog park.
Now Charlie, I want you to run around and play with all the other dogs and get some good exercise. But I want you to stay out of the water. Last time you really messed up the car seats with your muddy feet and it took me hours to clean those seats off. Your aunt Charlotte said I should put a towel down to save them but all I have are the good towels that I got at the Hudson Bay store. They are luxurious towels, Charlie. Ruin them or ruin the seats? I don’t know. So I think it’s best if you just stay out of the water. You know what that means? No palling around with those no good Golden Retrievers, Charlie. They are water addicted dogs and they have led you astray. Frankly, I have no idea why the city would put a dog park next to the lake, but you have to promise me you’re going to stay out of it. Ok? I’m going to let you off now and I want you to run like the wind, but stay dry. Good boy. Here we go.
No, Charlie! Not the Goldens! Is that how little you respect my wishes? Those Golden Retrievers are evil! Damn, I gotta find an inland dog park.
April 15, 2026
Dear Keith,
I met you decades ago when I was an aspiring writer. At that time you had a high powered literary agent in Washington, DC. I can’t remember her name. Anyway, I couldn’t get my writing career off the ground so I became a licensed electrician. But now, after 20 years of that, I want to go back to being a writer. Can you give me an in to your literary agent? It’s impossible to get one without a recommendation from someone they already represent. Thanks a million.
Signed,
My creative side calls
Dear Creative,
I no longer have a literary agent as one does not need them to do business in Canada. If you are in the States, they are virtually mandatory, but I live and work in Canada so I really can’t help you. My best advice is to write something worthy of getting an agent and then find a way to get it to them. Your creative side calls, so be creative. Nothing is impossible.
Dear Keith,
I am too old to play these games! Give me the name of your old agent! And your advice is wrong. It IS impossible without an in. So just give me her name and quit being so coy.
Signed
Frustrated creative
Dear Frustrated,
Coy? Look, you want to use my name with someone whom I am no longer associated with. Strike 1. Strike 2, I don’t know who you are, I haven’t seen your material and yet you want to say I recommended you to her and act as if I’m already on board? It’s pretty simple really, you’re trying to use me, but I have no interest in being used. Strike 3.
Keith,
Your intransience is galling! I just want what you have – a writing career. Why are you denying me this?
I am not denying you anything. Oh wait, yes I am. Now you get it.
Keith,
I am going to find out who represented you and I am going to get in touch with her and then I’m going to congratulate her on that fact that you two are no longer together. What do you think of that?
Not much.
April 16, 2026
Have been using a company for 18 years that had great products and they never failed to deliver on their promises. But the last item ordered was flimsier and crapped out within a very short period of time. Customer service actually hung up on me! I reordered the product as it was quite useful and the second one also failed. Again, customer service was rude and ineffective and I wondered what had happened to this stellar business. I came to find they were bought out by money grubbing, soulless, venture capitalist hacks whose reputation was pure garbage. They then gutted the old familiar company, downgraded all their products with cheaper materials and shoddy manufacturing and decimated customer service. Is it too much to wish a pox on this rabble?
April 17, 2026
You’re telling me these are man made? Har.
April 18, 2026
What are you doing here? Why are you living a life? Have you given any thought to your existence? If so, what have you determined. If not, why not?
April 19, 2026
Overheard a couple at a coffee shop.
-- Did you pay my US taxes yet?
-- No.
-- Richard, the US date has already passed. They had to be in by the 15th. What are you waiting for?
-- You’re the one that wanted to be a dual citizen. Why should we have to pay US taxes to that 80 year old pissant to fund his fucking wars?
-- Because the US taxes its citizens on worldwide income.
-- And Canada only taxes us on what we make domestically. The US is the only country in the world that taxes you no matter where you earn it. I don’t like it. All they do it take. What have you gotten by keeping your US citizenship? What have they given back to you? I’ll tell you – bupkis, that’s what. Hell, you don’t even live there anymore. You haven’t lived there for 14 years, yet we have to pay those assholes for the privilege. None of it makes any sense, Kathleen.
-- But I am still an American.
-- No, you are a Canadian who clings to some past notion because you once lived there. Do you plan on moving back?
-- No.
-- Then give up the passport and stop paying them your tax money and funding that orange douchebag’s lies and bullshit.
-- You want me to breakup with them. I don’t know if I can.
-- Why not?
-- I don’t know.
-- Maybe I just won’t file anymore. What are they gonna do, send the tax police to Canada? Fuck ‘em, Kathleen.
-- That makes me nervous.
-- Oh, and a lunatic 80 year old who has no clue what he’s doing doesn’t bother you?
-- It does, it’s just…
-- It’s just what?
-- I don’t know.
April 20, 2026
She had a Great Pyrenees and a Maremma dog on her farm protecting her livestock. Both of them are all white. This meant that every stitch of clothing she owned had white dog hair attached. Her older sister was getting married and wanted her to be her maid of honour but when she asked her younger sister if she could manage to keep white dog hair off her dark dress, the farm girl, who didn’t really want to dress up anyway said, Probably not. She was then disinvited as a member of the wedding party, had to sit in the peanut gallery with the rest of the family, but this meant she could wear anything she wanted. At the reception she left early to get back to her farm but took a half dozen roast beef sandwiches for her beloved dogs. As everyone got exactly what they wanted, it was deemed a beautiful win-win wedding.
April 21, 2026
I wrote an episode of a popular TV series and when it aired, they spelled my name wrong in the credits. I thought it was kind of funny, so when a minor controversy started online about one element of the episode, the rabble ended up attacking someone other than me. Someone who didn’t exist. I thought that was even funnier. We are amused.
April 22, 2026
You can’t tell me aliens in space aren’t talking about the bimbo running America into the ground.
-- I thought this was the year we were going to tell them they are not alone.
-- Can’t do that now.
-- Why not?
-- Look at the joke that is the American President. He is a complete twat.
-- A contentious prick.
-- If we say we’re here now, he’ll just try to use it for some fucked up lies and make himself look like something he isn’t – intelligent. Hell, he’ll probably charge us to land our spaceship.
-- These lizard people are unreasonable. Always have been.
-- They spawned this idiot, didn’t they?
-- What will America do when they find out they have been duped by a lizard person?
-- Nothing. They are accepting this cretin right now and they think he’s human. Trust me, they will fall to their knees and welcome their lizard overlord when he is revealed to be non human. It’s obvious, this country revers stupidity, lizard or not.
-- We should land in Canada, at least their Prime Minister is smart and reasonable.
-- And he ain’t no lyin’ lap lizard.
-- When we say, take us to your leader, they will take us to a real leader. Get the directions to Ottawa.
-- Aye aye.
April 23, 2026
A friend visited from the US. He was surprised how much Canada hates Trump and his ilk. He went back home with a new perspective. It’s really a shame Trump can’t visit here and go home with an eye opening view of how much he is reviled. But because Diaper Donnie is a pedophile and a convicted felon, he is not allowed in Canada. We’re just sensible that way.
April 24, 2026
A well known actor who had originated a franchise role was up for the next sequel. He was famous for being a hard ass with a body to match, but when he arrived at the meeting, he was sporting a dad bod. The director asked him to take off his shirt so he could assess the damage. The actor was carrying an additional 40 pounds. His belly was huge, his face was fatter and the director displayed his dismay at the man’s size. Desperate, the actor swore he would lose weight by the time it came to shoot. But the director could see the damage was done and he recast the action role with a different actor. But the public didn’t like changing horses in mid-stream and the new movie was a box office failure. It killed the director’s future and the franchise along with it. Neither realized it at the time, but this was a perfect example of a lose-lose situation.
April 25, 2026
He was crying on his couch. His wife just told him she was leaving him and the 3 kids to move to India to be with her new Internet boyfriend. She had already sent the man gobs of money, so he was eagerly waiting for her arrival. Was it a scam? Of course it was. Will she come back later ashamed for having been duped? Of course she will. Will she be taken back by the family she left? Undoubtedly. Will they take the Internet away from her? Well, duh.
April 26, 2026
I want you kids to help your mother out. She recently took a job with an advertising agency and her first client is a toilet paper company. They need a new slogan. I want you guys to use the TP and then give me your ideas. Okay?
Shelley: It’s like a cloud for your butt. Cumulus not cirrus.
Toller: The toilet paper of the rich. Use it and feel important.
Mark: It’s like wiping with a soft, furry bunny.
Dad: That's animal abuse, Mark, and something that should never be encouraged.
Kimmie: Each sheet is like scraping an angel across your beleaguered, battered bum.
Tom: Jesus, Kimmie.
Kimmie: Oh yeah, you got something better, Tommy?
Tom: 4 ply goodness for even the most candy assed among you.
George: It’s like a Rolls Royce ran over your pothole.
Zara: That doesn’t even make sense, George.
Lenny: Class for your ass.
Alice: Raw bottoms be gone.
Luanne: Toilet paper good enough to eat.
Eunice: Ew, Luanne!
Carl: Better than using the newspaper.
Petey: Isn’t your butt worth the best?
Mom: I want to thank all you kids for helping but I’ve decided to go with, The gold standard of toilet paper. Oh, by the way, we can’t afford this stuff so it’s back to the 1 ply misery for us.
Mass groans from the family.
April 27, 2026
In a city known for its aggressive, obnoxious baseball fans, she showed up wearing the opposing team’s jersey. She was pelted with hot dogs, had beer thrown at her and was subject to verbal abuse for 5 innings. In the top of the 6th, after mashed up peanuts were ground into the back of her hair, she pulled a knife and stabbed the guy behind her. Then she kicked the rude couple next to her and punched a beer vendor in the balls. She was escorted out of the stadium and arrested. But her team won, so who got the last laugh?
April 28, 2026
I went out of town yesterday and while I was waiting to pick up my wife, I was approached by a stranger who asked me a simple question. We ended up having a 25 minute conversation about that “simple” question. It was kind of surreal how we mutually kept it up and only ended it when my wife called and asked where the hell I was.
April 30, 2026
His new gaming computer with its mass of peripherals and heavy electrical draw caught fire and burned down his house. The fire department determined that he had one wall socket in which he had plugged in 24 electrical cords. He had power strips plugged into power strips and the whole mess eventually overheated, shorted out and started the fire. When the insurance company refused to pay him based on negligence and extreme stupidity, he tried to find a lawyer who would sue the insurance company, the computer manufacturer, the gaming companies and the power strip makers, but when no attorney would do so, he ended up crying a lot and living in his Dodge Caravan.
Moral of the story: There is none. He was plainly just an idiot.
