Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - March 2019


March 1, 2019
There were five donuts left. So I ate them all and savoured every one, but not equally. The first one - that first bite! - heaven. By the last donut, I was full but still appreciative of the chocolate and powdered sugar even if I was a tad less enthused about actually eating it. But of course I did. Keen minds may wonder, a bridge too far? We'll see.
March 2, 2019
Your heart beats trillions of times in the course of a lifetime. Your lungs rise and fall 23,000 times a day. You have over 3,000 thoughts per hour. Your blood never stops moving. Your organs function with a life of their own. And you are not cognizant of any of it. We are machines. Exquisite, thinking, alive machines. How utterly mind blowing is that?
March 4, 2019
We had an earthquake! And we were only 1 mile from the epicenter! 'Course it was only a 2.2 on the Richter Scale, still, there was a tremendous bang and our house shook. Nearly scared the cats to death. Hey, wait a minute, aren't animals supposed to know when an earthquake is going to happen before it happens? Hmm, do we have defective cats?
March 5, 2019
March 6, 2019
What does Trump stand for?
T is for his thin skin, fake hair and bloated carcass
R is for his 5th grade intellect, nonstop lies, laughable boasts and criminal ideas
U is for leaving the stink of uselessness everywhere he goes
M is for his massive ignorance, a deficiency he exhibits every time he opens his mouth
P is for the pussy he grabs and the pussy he will forever be
I is for (what else) his utter incompetence
S is for his (obvious, glaring, unmistakable) stupidity
A is for his boorish behaviour and tiring impression of a whiny baby who soiled his diapers
is for how laughable he, his family and his administration are
O is for the shock of realizing that a moron is running the country into the ground
S is for the copious amounts of bluster and shit he spews
E is for the reaction he engenders in the rest of the world: Ew, ick
R is for impeachment, and the need to get on with it now, before his next brainless utterance
March 7, 2019
She was a post modern enigma. Everything about her was either ahead of her time or behind it. No one could tell if her fashion sense was forecasting the future or glorifying the past. Even the era was up for grabs. She never spoke about it, but everyone knew, like gold, like pizza, she was timeless.
March 8, 2019
I was at a stop sign when an old woman driving a vintage '50s behemoth with two flat tires, one front, one rear, same side, cruised past. She wasn't babying it either. She was bombing it down a residential street in a car that wasn't level or stable, with compromised steering and a horrendous noise from the flopping tires as they shredded off the rims. It was a George Booth cartoon come to life. And the very definition of an accident waiting to happen.
March 10, 2019
Got notified of an overdue account. My records showed that all was paid up. Seems they had created some concocted surcharge and sent me an invoice for it. I told them it was bogus, gratuitous and completely fabricated. I told them I was fully paid up and that I had no intention of paying their "surcharge". I also told them that because of this, I was cutting bait with their skeezy asses. They said there would be another charge to close my account. Oh really? My lawyer drew up a letter that demanded they explain in court their out of nowhere surcharge and account closing fees (neither of which are posted in their Terms of Condition), and then he told them it didn't matter because should they attempt to pursue it legally, as far as he could tell, this was a closed and shut case of pure extortion and the onus was on them to prove it wasn't. Never heard from the company again. Sigh.
March 11, 2019
When was America great? When they had Washington, Lincoln and FDR running the show. When was America not so great? When they had Reagan, Bush and Trump running the country into the ground. Want to make America great again? Either figure out a way to clone dead presidents or get rid of the current clown pretending to be one.
March 12, 2019
It's the first Spring since legalization and people are preparing to grow their own. Come this year, should there be strong southerly winds, America should be able to smell Canada.
March 13, 2019
An American asked me what Canadians thought of Trump. Not much, I said.
March 15, 2019
Went to a producer's office to talk about a film project. Along one wall he had a sideboard with a long line of photos on it and when his phone rang and he excused himself to take the call, I got up and went to look at the pictures. There were lots of family photos taken on vacation, at their house, in their yard, in their...bedroom? Was his wife stripping? As I moved further down the line, each following picture got more risqué and raunchy. When he got off the phone I told him he needed a longer sideboard. He laughed and stated that she was his third wife and something of an exhibitionist. Sure, fine, but what kind of guy puts up pornographic pictures of his wife in his business office? Turns out he's not very respectable, and judging by the pictures, neither was his wife.
March 17, 2019
Rule of thumb: Never vote for someone who lies over 10,000 times on the public record, has been sued over 3500 times, gone bankrupt 7 times, has 17 current ongoing criminal investigations and has proven themselves to be nothing but corrupt and 5th grade stupid. Good chance they're a scumbag.
March 19, 2019
I have been computing for 35 years. I got to be a part of the nascent Internet, partake in the rapid evolution of software development, watched as hardware increased in speed and power year after year... Alas, the novelty has worn off. Is moi jaded? Nah, just too many trolls and twits. The Internet is still a good tool, just too many trolls and twits.
March 20, 2019
Overheard two men at a lunch spot.
-- You think Trump is really as stupid as they say he is?
-- What has the moron ever said or done that would cause you to doubt it?
-- He's so odious. What do you think is the grossest thing about him?
-- You mean besides his fossilized ideas, out of touch delusions and below average ignorance?
-- Yeah.
-- His needy ego. This douchebag looks in the mirror and tires to French kiss himself. He probably grabs his own pussy.
-- Do you think America knows that the rest of the world thinks he's a creepy old man who's mentally ill?
-- I think they know but pretend not to care. They're in denial that they elected a cartoon. You could replace Trump with Foghorn Leghorn and no one would notice.
-- I say, boy...
-- Indeed.
March 21, 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's as far as I've gotten. You have to admit, those opening lines are good, very good, very descriptive. Who doesn't love flowers?
March 22, 2019
She was beautiful and impetuous and suddenly had a breathtaking idea to dive naked into an icy mountain stream as the result of a boast she made during a drug marred game of Truth or Dare when to no one in particular she announced that she felt like Supergirl and was positive she was now possessed of the power of flight and then laughed ha ha ha ha when one of the guys who wanted to see her naked more than flying promptly dared her to exhibit such talents so he and the others could stare intently as she climbed the nearest hill, shed her clothes, waited for the drugs to kick in, and then swan dived off the rocks into an icy stream not near deep enough for the velocity, trajectory and bravado powering her leap, resulting in many probable broken bits and a vague sense that after the drugs wear off, she was going to be in a great deal of trouble and a quite a bit of pain, still, she insisted that she did fly for at least a little and so screw them that said she wouldn't and couldn't, even though no one said she wouldn't or couldn't, even though in the end all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put her back together again.
March 25, 2019
He was such a homely geek I couldn't believe he was married, but here he was talking about his wonderful wife and how she was Miss Santa Fe back in the day and how he can no longer take her to his geek events because his fellow geeks just slobber over her and make her feel uncomfortable but gee, I guess that's the price you pay for having such a bombshell wife. Uh huh. Frankly, the whole thing sounded made up. I said as much. He scrolled through his phone and brought up her picture. "See!" It was a photo of Tiffany Amber Thiessen. My god, is this what IT has come to?
March 27, 2019
A millennial said I was being too hard on Trump. The needy white nationalist xenophobe and his family of grifters? That Trump? ...Nah.
March 28, 2019
You're always angry; you're always upset; it's always somebody else's fault; there is always someone else to blame... Have you ever thought that perhaps it's you? Here's a radical idea: Any event that you are involved in, you are responsible for. Heck, you're there, aren't you? Why just assume it's a random happenstance or a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why not flip the script and tell yourself that you psychically agreed to be a part of this and take responsibility for being there, then see what you get out of it. When you take responsibility for your actions and reactions, you'll find your reasons for involvement. That means you'll understand what's it's all about, that things make sense, and the futility of blaming others loses its luster or need. Responsibility for you from you. That's where it's at. Is too.
March 29, 2019
From the age of 13 to 24 she pretty much exposed all her private life on social media, as if that would never come back to haunt her.
March 30, 2019
Be kind to animals is not just a slogan or a suggestion, it's a lifestyle.

Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
 KeithSpeak                                              April 2019


Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2024 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.