Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - March 2016


March 1, 2016
I had known this guy for 10 years and liked him right up until the day he expressed his political views. Dude was ignorant, uninformed and vehement. Defensive and quick to anger, every idea he expressed was laden with bad juju. His crazy talk went in one ear and out the other accompanied by whatever respect I had for him.
March 2, 2016
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just watching America wither
One trainwreck politician at a time.
March 4, 2016
In what society is this acceptable?!
March 6, 2016
Don't act as if no one is watching. Instead, act as if everyone is watching.
March 7, 2016
Many years ago I moved to Canada because of a moron President and his icky wife. Today the world is free of them both. Good riddance.
March 9, 2016
Overheard at the park.
-- Your son throws like a girl.
-- Yeah well, your son looks like a girl.
-- That is my daughter.
-- Oh.
-- Your son still throws like a girl.
March 10, 2016
In sport, as in life, there are some great ambassadors for living a self-created, enthusiastic, meaningful life with intention. Twitter hosts 4 of the best - Chris Archer, David Price, Marcus Stroman and Sonny Bill Wiliams.
March 11, 2016
Ooh, this was tricky. There were two boy scouts on one side of the busy street and opposite them were sixteen elderly ladies waiting on the light. How could they possibly help them all across? Both boys started to sweat. There were so many! The scouts went into overload - some were in walkers, some had canes, others in wheelchairs - it was a nightmare! Even worse, that intersection was known to have a short light! One of the scouts fainted. It was too much. He just never had the right stuff. For the other fellow, the pressure was truly on.
March 12, 2016    
It's a beautiful morning, so you grab your first cup of coffee and step outside to admire the day. This is what you see. Naturally, you think your coffee has been laced with LSD. The only other thing you can think of is that somehow time and space have folded back upon itself and the past is now alive in the present. Either way, how it happened doesn't matter, mankind will soon be eaten and once again the dinos will rule for billions more years.
March 14, 2016
She had two boxes, carried them with her everywhere, but she wouldn't open them and she wouldn't say what was inside. Her friends and family couldn't stop speculating on what might be in those boxes. One night, while she slept, her boyfriend snuck into her stuff and opened them. She awoke with a start, as if she knew her mystery was gone.
March 15, 2016
Overheard at the grocery.
-- Everything is so expensive these days.
-- It's definitely getting worse. 16 bucks for a package of hamburger?
-- Almost makes me want to stop eating.
-- The perfect diet! Get priced out of food - guaranteed skinny! The only diet that works because you don't have the money to change it.
-- We'll call it the penniless anorexia diet.
-- No money, no food, no fat. Genius.
March 16, 2016
After writing a couple of times, an old friend hadn't replied and I began to wonder if he was all right. Then out of the blue I heard from another old friend, a different old friend, and I thought that perhaps my psychic need was to reconnect with an old friend, any old friend, and not just the one who's not replying. Because, well, here it was happening.
March 17, 2016
Overheard at the grocery.
-- Everything is so damned expensive!
-- Groceries are getting ridiculous.
-- If somebody made Soylent Green and it was cheap, I'd drink other humans. I wouldn't be proud at all, if it saves me a few bucks.
-- Personally I find that kind of gross but I applaud your willingness to keep costs down.
-- Got to. Groceries are expensive. How much do you think a can of Soylent Green would cost?
-- In terms of human agony or dollars and cents?
March 18, 2016
Overheard at the grocery.
-- Hey Boss, I've been hearing grumblings about the prices being too high.
-- What are you talking about? Grumblings from who?
-- You know, when I'm stocking the shelves and people are talking about the store, they're complaining about the high cost of groceries.
-- Who are these people? I want names. We'll ban them from the store.
-- What? What if our prices are more competitive?
-- See, Teddy, that's why you're a stock boy and I'm the manager. Management teaches you to be proactive. You immediately attack those who attack you. Make them wish they had never said what they said. Make them be the miserable sons of bitches they obviously already are. That way, they never come back, the high prices stay high, the money rolls in, you get your Christmas bonus, I buy my wife a new fur, we did our jobs. Now, get me the names of those disgruntled bastards.
March 20, 2016
Cold night, no galoshes, skinny jeans, irrational intentional jump into 4 inches of foul curb water. Afterwards, wet feet, saturated shoes, soggy socks, cold wet jeans for the rest of the night. It's not a question of whether alcohol was involved, it's how much.
March 21, 2016
You know how mathematicians are always saying the world is rooted in math and the universe is nothing but math and that should aliens ever want to communicate with us math is the universal language they would use? Well if that were true, I think I would have a greater understanding of math, which I don't So they're wrong.
March 22, 2016
Human relationships are both the backbone and bane of our society, but animal relationships are the pure gold in this life. Basically, dogs and cats make the other people bearable.
March 23, 2016
If you wake up in the middle of the night not sure where you are, and then moments later you snap back to reality and everything is as it should be, why don't we ever analyze where we just came from and why there is any confusion at all when one is awakened?
March 25, 2016
It was unexpected but good as we channel surfed into a Steve Martin movie extravaganza and watched in succession Planes, Trains and Automobiles (who doesn't miss John Candy?), Roxanne (much slower/less adept start than I remember, but picked up in the second half), and the exceedingly funny Bowfinger (damn, that's the Eddie Murphy we all miss. Forget the Klumps). Next is Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and of course,The Jerk. But first, I'm off to make more popcorn. Pretty swell Thursday night, eh.
March 26, 2016
Today's viewing schedule:
· Toronto Blue Jays Spring training game versus the New York Yankees.
·  Vancouver Canucks hockey game taped from last night but not yet watched.
·  CONCACAF qualifying soccer match between Canada and Mexico, also on tape.
·  Finish off the evening with a tape of last night's Australian Rules Football game between the Richmond Tigers and the Carlton Blues.
· Cold pizza
· Ice cream
· Beer
All right. I'm good for the day. Let the games begin.
March 28, 2016
-- Carlo, what is that picture you're looking at so intently?
-- It is a man in a black hat.
-- Do you know this man?
-- I...I don't know.
-- And Frankie, what are you looking at that has caused incredulity to spread across your face?
-- The prices on this menu are insane! Have you seen them? Outrageous!
-- You've hardly touched your coffee.
-- That's because it costs 15 dollars! Highway robbery!
-- Perhaps Frankie, by the very man in this picture.
-- Yes Carlo, the man in the black hat!
-- Yes, maybe he is the one who put the prices so high. I am not sure yet.
-- And Freda, what are you staring at so hard?
-- Me? What about you Colette. You are practically trembling as you stare.  
-- It's true, I can't take my eyes away. That couple is practically making love at the next table! His youth is so...beautiful.
-- A steak is 100 dollars! My god!
-- This man in the picture, I feel I know him... Papa?
-- Freda, will you look at the size of that thing.
-- I'm drooling, Colette, I'm drooling.
-- Come! We are not eating here. The prices are beyond the pale and I for one will not settle for them!
Yet no one moved, each transfixed by their own desires.     
March 29, 2016
I'm at a chain drug store watching a crazy old dude in the bandages aisle singing outloud a Stevie Ray Vaughan song and then playing air guitar with a vengeance. A security guard approaches him and the dude stops playing, but just for a moment, before he sprints two aisles away and yells to the security guard, "I got another amp over here! And I always play at 10!" He then pretended to plug his air guitar into his amp and turn the volume knob all the way to the right. Then he started riffing making all the guitar sounds he could muster. The security guard shook his head and walked over to the wall where he pretended to pull the imaginary plug on the imaginary amp. "I've just pulled the plug. No juice, no guitar. Now it's time you leave the store." Amazingly, the crazy old dude unstrapped his imaginary axe, glared at the security guard, picked up his amp and left. All in all it was a wonderful shopping experience.
March 31, 2016
What is personal development? Might it be something like multiple trips through this reality progressing from a hate filled, prejudiced world view to a loving embrace of all mankind?

Rerturn to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                               April 2016


Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2024 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.