Header Graphic
KeithSpeak - June 2023


June 1, 2023
For five decades he had been going to thrift stores and buying old faded Levi's. He called himself a collector. His wife called him a hoarder. But last year when an original pair of Levi's from the 1800s sold at auction for $87,000, his wife changed her tune. The collection, as she now called it, was worth a small fortune and she had plans. The only problem was her husband didn't acquire the vintage jeans as an investment, he just had a fetish for faded denim. When he informed his wife he had no intention of selling his Levi's, she slowly started poisoning him until he was too weak to stop her from launching a pop-up shop where she sold the lot, save one pair. Her husband's dying request was to be buried in his beloved jeans. How could she deny him that? Despite the fact that she killed him, she was not cruel.
June 2, 2023
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet you at Cliff Street
Quarter to two
You didn't show
What's the matter with you
I'll have you know
An affair takes two
Magda, my love
What's gotten into you
That tone of voice
That snarl, that growl
Are we having a fight
Or more of a row
You're going to tell my wife
Have you lost your mind
That's cruel and messed up
And not very kind
Let me guess, let me guess
It's that time of the month
Why so enraged
Bloody hell you can punch
What's wrong with me
What's wrong with you
It's obvious now
Magda, we're through
Roses are red
Violets are blue
This is the end
Oh, and you better not tell my wife
June 3, 2023
Somebody famous thought their notoriety guaranteed them a free pass in the hearts and minds of the little people. For years the fawning public had been a marshmallow mosh pit but a public confrontation with someone who had no idea he was famous and took umbrage at an unintended offense disabused the celebrity of any notion that he was special. Verbally humiliated and physically assaulted, he came to realize he had been laboring under a delusion: that being famous guaranteed him something, anything.
June 4, 2023
Too bad. She has to go to prison after ripping off countless people, acquiring a fortune from ill gotten gains and shattering the hope held by those who needed it most. So sad. By the time she gets out she will have missed 20 of the best years of her life. Boo hoo. She's a duplicitous con artist who wasn't good enough to escape retribution and now we will all forget about her while she withers away without a spotlight or a defense. Buh bye.
And with that we end the string of posts about misbehaving miscreants who have cast a dark shadow upon the opening days of June. Vermin! Tomorrow will be different. Will too.
June 5, 2023
Manuel, Franz and Tony had never telemark skied with shovels before but the elders assured them this is how their ancestors did it. What they didn't tell them was that the shovels were used to bury those who couldn't manage to telemark ski with shovels.
June 6, 2023
Have you been able to do much with your life? I'm not talking about material accomplishments like a job promotion or winning an Olympic medal, no, I'm talking about the quality of your life. How well you've live it. What you've learned from it. What you know about yourself because of it. See, from beginning to end, it's all about you; the you that you've become; the you that you discovered living a life. From first breath to last, it's you you you. Always has been. Sounds simple, but many people make it about someone or something else. Then it's not so simple anymore. Then it's a lot harder to discover yourself when someone else is your focus. Making it about them means it's not about you. Capish?
June 7, 2023
I heard a story about me told by some locals. It was kind of preposterous and completely untrue, and yet there it was. They wanted me to verify or deny, and in that moment, I had the chance to set the record straight or concoct an even greater fabrication. It was, of course, like waving a beer in front of a bum.
June 9, 2023
You know how when something's gone, you miss it? That's where I am right now.
June 10, 2023
Can you stroll to the edge of the cliff like you didn't see it and just walk off?
For Jim, everything was going swimmingly until it wasn't. His brother and business partner went bankrupt, taking Jim and the business down with him. Jim's 17 year old daughter told him she was pregnant and was moving in with her meth head/tattooist boyfriend, Alonzo. His other daughter, 15, said that she was putting up a pole in her room to practice dancing and stripping because it paid lots of money and was easy to do. She said she saw it as a career path. Jim's son, 14, decided that since it was he who impregnated his older sister, perhaps he best leave before the baby came and there were...complications. And Jim's wife was having a torrid affair with her yoga instructor and his twin brother, Jeb, which Jim suspected because his wife always looked like she just had sex but Jim knew they hadn't. Who was it who said that family is everything?
Can you stroll to the edge of the cliff like you didn't see it and just walk off?
June 11, 2023
What kind of special asshole do you have to be to be a Republican politician. The party has no platform, no agenda other than to obstruct and it's populated with hateful, lying chumps, dolts, deadbeats and show off losers. These sycophant twerps are butt hurt about everything and together are a collective of the Stupid with a capital S. As long as these fawning parasites remain one of the parties in America's messed up two party system, its political future looks bleak.
June 13, 2023
Overheard two women at the pharmacy.
-- When are they going to make a pill for women's libido?
-- It'll never happen.
-- Why do you say that?
-- Because men are insecure.
-- But they have their boner pills, why can't we have something for our libido?
-- It scares them. Aroused independent women are too much for them to contemplate.
-- That's ridiculous.
-- But true.
-- Men!
-- You said it.
June 14, 2023
After her reading, the author took audience questions. When someone asked her favorite dog breed, she said the Russian Wolfhound. The crowd immediately started booing her. Someone yelled Slava Ukraini! Mob mentality took over. More invectives and even her own books were hurled at her. The whole room had turned. The exits were blocked so she couldn't escape. Panicked, she realized this was all happening in her head; that her imagination had run wild for a bit but, ahem, it was fully under control again. Golden retrievers, she replied.
June 15, 2023
For years we have had two snowshoe hares living on our property. We had always assumed they were two males or two females because there were never any babies. But recently we saw our first baby bunny in the yard. Do we have fluid gender hares?
June 16, 2023
-- You're not wearing that.
-- I have toooooo.
He had on his moth eaten, ratty, good luck college sweatshirt.
-- Take it off. You look like a bum.
-- Sheila, I always win when I have my good luck sweatshirt on.
-- We're not going to play bingo at the Legion, Barry. We're going to my sister's wedding. There's nothing to win. Change your clothes.
-- But this will give her good luck just by my wearing it there.  
-- No, it'll give her fits and she'll blame me for you looking like a bum at her wedding. Go change.
-- I'll tell you what. I'll wear it until we get to that gas station a block from their house. I'll buy a winning lottery ticket and then take it off.
-- Who do you think that serves, Barry?
-- We could win a lot of money.
-- It's my sister's wedding day. Not Barry and his hard luck fucking shirt day. Take it off, before we leave the house, or I go without you.
-- Sheesh.
-- Now!
June 17, 2023
Oh, she wanted that! It was shiny and silvery and it immediately caught her eye. But she was told no post dated checks, no deferred payment option, no layaway. But...but she wanted it now! How do you get something for nothing? You assess the physical wherewithal of the clerk and if you're confident you can outrun him, you grab the object of your desire and you sprint out of the store. Then, either a chase will commence, or the clerk will stay where he is, call the cops, give them the security footage, you will get a knock on the door, arrested, jailed and given life in prison. But hey, if you want it now, and your payment options are limited...
June 18, 2023
He refers to himself in the 3rd person. Ronny likes this, Ronny likes that. Ronny lives in his mother's house, even though Ronny is 42. Ronny drinks copious amounts of Mountain Dew and is a hard core gamer. Ronny has never had a job. Ronny doesn't vote or worry about responsibilities. Ronny is introverted, undoubtedly an incel, and completely out of touch with the real world. Actually, Ronny's mother gave up on Ronny years ago. Said she saw it coming. "He would sit in his room all day and stare at things. I knew something wasn't right with my Ronny." Question: How many Ronnies has the Internet facilitated? Should we blow the whole thing up? Discuss.
June 19, 2023
Where did the title of my novel Write About Dogs come from? It came from George Booth.
June 20, 2023
Got a very disappointing e-mail. They said something was a no go and thanks but no thanks. I was very surprised that I got rejected because a week ago I was verbally assured that I was in. Then the phone rings. It's the person who said I was in, calling to congratulate me. I informed him of my rejection. It must be some kind of mistake, he asserted. But it wasn't. I never heard back from him or anyone else connected with the project. Of course I immediately started making voodoo dolls of these terrible people (where are those pins) but got sidetracked by a 2 star movie on Turner Classics. I'll hate on them tomorrow.
June 21, 2023
If you act like a jerk, how do you expect people to react to you? If you're a nice person, how do you expect people to react to you? See the difference?
June 22, 2023
So I'm having lunch with a famous actor at a small coffee shop where nobody seems to recognize her. At one point she marvels at the fact that she is out in public and is not being bothered by fans wanting an autograph or a selfie. "How refreshing," she lets on. But after a while she starts looking around and making eye contact with the staff and other patrons. I ask her if she wants something else. "I want to be recognized!" she blurts. "Call me shallow, I don't care. It's good for my ego. You done? Let's go out on the street and see if we can't rustle up a fan." Are the famous different from you and I? You bet they are.
June 23, 2023
This morning, I go up to open the gate across our driveway and there is a baby squirrel sitting on the bar. I expect it to jump off when I undo the lock and swing the gate open but it just sits there and takes a ride. To fix the gate open I have to get close to the squirrel to reach the hook. Again, I expect it to run away but it just sits there. I'm close enough to pet it, so I do. A couple of swipes on its head is enough for both of us as the squirrel gets up to leave and I walk back to the house. And to think, petting a feral squirrel wasn't even on my bucket list.
June 24, 2023
I went to sign up for something on a website and they asked for my Social Insurance number. That's not gonna happen but I was curious as to why they wanted it, so I called them. I talked with 3 different people and not one of them could tell me why they requested my number and what they planned on doing with it. The only thing to say was buh bye.
June 26, 2023
I watched a life and death chase in our side yard. A rabbit was being hunted by a feral cat. The speed of the hare was surprising and it's nimbleness at changing direction and turning on a dime was very impressive. The cat was fast but the rabbit was clever. They chased each other around the yard darting in and out of bushes, circling trees and hiding in long grasses. Eventually, the cat gave up the ghost, sat down in the yard and started grooming itself. Presumably, the bunny was off recounting his near death escape to his buddies while they laughed at the futility of cats and ate some carrots.
June 27, 2023
He thought he would do his part, so he bought an EV and splurged for a level 2 home charging unit. He also fancied himself an electrician of sorts so he thought he would install it himself. In less than a month he burned his house down, burned his car up and the exploding EV batteries damaged his neighbours place to the tune of $38,000. The authorities blamed the fire on his improper charger install and because he wasn't licensed, nullified all his insurance coverage. He was out a house, a car and owed his neighbour big bucks. Is doing the right thing wrongly a recognized syndrome? Should it be?
June 28, 2023
She had the pinkest lips I have ever seen. She wasn't wearing lipstick but the shade of pink was just mesmerizing. Was it natural? Did she dye them? Inject something? Heavens, could this be a new fashion trend? The woman wasn't particularly attractive and other than her amazing pink lips, there was nothing of notoriety about her. But damn if every person she walked by didn't stare. And it wasn't out of pity or concern, it was just something so out of the ordinary, like seeing somebody 7 feet tall, that one involuntarily stares. If my name was Maybelline and I owned a lipstick empire, I might be kinda concerned.
June 29, 2023
Overheard two women in Wal-Mart.
-- I get embarrassed just walking in here.
-- I always pray I won't see somebody I know.
-- This store has everything but it's so, I dunno...
-- If I told any of my friends that I shopped at Wal-Mart they would laugh in my face.
-- Same here.
-- Heck, I'll admit it, I go to the Dollar Store too.
-- Me too!
-- Maybe we're just cheap.
-- Nothing wrong with that.
June 30, 2023
I'm down at the wharf listening to a bluegrass band when some old guy sidles up to me and whispers in my ear, "Hey, wanna buy a lid?" A lid! Hello, 1970 calling! When was the last time you heard someone refer to an ounce of marijuana as a lid? It was pure schadenfreude. What fun? Such fun.

Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month
KeithSpeak                                              July 2023



Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2024 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.