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KeithSpeak - June 2022

 

 
 
June 1, 2022
Look at you! To paraphrase Richard Ayoade, You're here, but should you have come?
 
June 2, 2022
Let's say that you're afraid of eating asparagus. Maybe some rogue asparagus killed someone you love. Now every time you're offered some you think, What if I'm next? So meal after meal you decline asparagus after asparagus. Soon, people are starting to talk. It's now become a situation. To paraphrase Oliver Hardy, This is another fine mess you gotten yourself into.
 
June 3, 2022
To paraphrase Norm Peterson, It's a dog eat dog world and he's wearing Milk Bone underwear. He said that in reference to the slime that is the opinion of others on the Internet. Did too.
 
June 4, 2022
I Google Earthed a friend's house in another country. I had never been there before so he was amazed when I told him I could discern things about where he lived just by our friendship alone. I then proceeded to perfectly describe his neighbourhood, his driveway and front lawn, garage, backyard, even the rickety screen-in porch on the side of his house. He was, of course, gobsmacked by my talents. Mums the word, eh.
 
June 5, 2022

Freshonthenet

 
June 7, 2022
The fatal flaw in Benny's plan was that he thought somebody cared. When he presented his plan, nobody cared. It was the fatal flaw in his plan.
 
June 8, 2022
You're offered something too good to be true.
Do you -
- Accept the offer and hope it's real
- Spurn the offer and move on with your life
- Question the offer to allay your natural gullibility
- Mock the offer for the ruse you suspect it to be
- Assume you hit the jackpot and dive in head first
- Play along but keep your suspicions to yourself
- Ask for proof
- Throw caution to the wind and give yourself up to the fates
- Tell yourself it wouldn't be the first time you've done something stupid
 
June 10, 2022
We asked someone to do something for us but he blew us off. Said he didn't have time, was much too busy, find someone else. The next day he calls back and agrees to do what we asked. Why the change of heart? He offered no explanation and no reasoning. So what happened in the 24 hours between no and yes?
 
June 12, 2022
So I read in the paper about the death of a former local politician who rose up high and then fell like a ton of bricks over scandal. Nobody was surprised with his spectacular downfall as he was known to be a scumbag and a horndog (he even came on to my wife once; fortunately for him, not in my presence). So the paper gives him this glowing obituary and never once mentions the fact that he was a skeezy, sleazy human. Consider the obit corrected.
 
June 13, 2022
Alien abduction is human vivisection. It's the exact same horror perpetrated on millions of research animals every day right here on Earth. Imagine if the aliens wouldn't let you off the ship. And you didn't understand what was happening. And they did medical experiments on you every day. And you lived in a cage. Alone. With no hope, friendship, guidance or love. Imagine your horror at that. Imagine the animals' horror at that.
 
June 15, 2022
LETTER OF THE MONTH
Dear Keith,
What do you do about critics who hate your work? The reason I ask is I have had my first big work published and the reviews have been awful. The worse is the fact that everyone around me seems to have lost faith in me and my promise. I was a sure fire, big hot deal a little while back so I never had bad reviews. But now I have them in spades and it's eating me up. How do you deal with people who hate your work?
 
Signed,
If this is success, I don't want it.
 
Dear Successless,
It's just one person's opinion, even if a thousand people are saying the same thing. If you really wrote what you wanted and you were satisfied with what you wrote, then the opinion of others, though valid for them, doesn't necessarily have to be valid for you. 'Course, they may be onto something so you should really look at what they are complaining about, but you only need to please yourself. First and foremost. When you do that, all the rest, both good and bad, is dross.
 
June 16, 2022
The farm required unrelenting hard work: the crops had to be tended to; the equipment needed constant maintenance; the cows needed milking twice a day; the buildings and fencing were always in need of attention and repair. He hadn't taken a vacation in 30 years. He was in bed most nights before 8. But every morning as he sat drinking coffee, looking out the window at his farm, he would shake his head and smile at the fact that this great life was his life. Contentment comes in many forms.
 
June 17, 2022
Overheard two farmers at the farm and feed store.
-- We need more rain.
-- Tell me about it.
-- We never stop talking about the weather, do we.
-- We're farmers, Charley. That's what farmers do.
-- Every year it's the same thing - will we make it this year? Will next year be any better? What is climate change doing to our crops? It's a rat race, Cody. We're on a treadmill we can't get off.
-- Would you rather work in an office and wear a tie all day?
-- I'll bet they stand around the water cooler and talk about the weather too.
-- But their lives don't depend on it. Ours do.
-- Yeah, we're much more serious about the weather than those office jerks.
-- You got that right.
-- We need more rain.
-- Tell me about it.
 
June 18, 2022
Obstructionist Republicans, maga morons, Church pedophiles, conspiracy believers, toxic social media, fawning celebrity culture, overt racism, rampant xenophobia... welcome to America?
 
June 21, 2022
She had been working from home for 2 years. She had a good routine down and was happier at her job than she had ever been. She loved being home all day with her cat and her dog, using her own bathroom, eating her own food, taking a break when she wanted, not when the clock dictated. She had been productive and had managed her situation well when her boss put an end to remote work and called all the employees back to the office. But she refused to return to her cubicle. He threatened to fire her. She didn't care, she saw her path forward and it was working from home - either for his company or another. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.
 
June 22, 2022
Roses are red
Violets are blue
How come the poets never mention
Peonies, poppies and yew
 
June 23, 2022
I'm not a big Star Trek fan, but, um...
 
June 24, 2022
All of our dogs have had brown eyes. All of our cats have had green eyes. I myself have brown eyes, my wife, hazel. Just what in tarnation is going on here?
 
June 25, 2022
Her poshness spilled from every pore of her being. Showing off her pedigree, she proceeded to cut the donut with a knife and fork, slicing the cruller first into quarters and then eighths. The commoner treat now looked more like a plateful of petit fours and was thus acceptable to her refined senses. She ate one eighth piece and declared herself full. Pushing the plate away like she just finished Thanksgiving dinner she leaned back in her chair and scrutinized the semi filthy environs of the Dunkin' Donut store. Mingling with the regular folk in their natural habitat both disgusted and titillated her. She knew she would never step foot in here again, but at least doughnuts could now be scratched off her bucket list.
 
June 26, 2022
I got approached by a stranger.
-- Hey man, I know you!
-- Yeah?
-- It's Keith, right?
-- Right. Do I know you?
-- Nah, I'm a tourist. Name's Roger. What are you doing here?!
-- I live here.
-- Here?! In this town?
-- Uh huh.
-- Wow.
-- Indeed.
-- Listen, I took your advice once. From your website. About my ex.
-- Did it work out?
-- It actually did. She's here right now.
-- Your ex?
-- No, her sister. I was just driving through here with my ex wife's sister when she wanted to stop at the lake. She's down at the waterfront right now buying tourist crap. I told her I was gonna walk around town. Then I run into you! We're on vacation from Idaho.
-- Wait, you're on vacation with your ex wife's sister?
-- Yeah. That's how come she's my ex. She caught us and divorced me. But you gave me good advice about that. So me and sis are now a thing. Seeing you in person is a trip.
-- Is it, Roger? Is it really?
-- You must get a lot of fans this way.
-- What way.
-- You know, on vacation and then they see you in town and here you are.
-- Nope, you're the first.
-- Really?! That's so cool!
-- Well, it's been a real pleasure, Roger, but I must be on my way.
-- Hey, Keith, you gonna write about me? That would be so cool!
 
June 28, 2022
I don't normally eat breakfast. But right now I'm having little chocolate covered donuts and their goodness makes me wonder why I don't eat breakfast, this particular breakfast, more often or every day. Nutritionists, change my mind?
 
June 29, 2022
I am Lynn Renfro and I am a nutritionist. Those donuts will kill you faster than a tsunami, not that I have ever been in a tsunami, but I did almost eat a chocolate donut once, in a moment of weakness, and it felt like I was being swept up in a hallucinogenic donut tsunami which is why I now compare those deadly donuts to tsunamis. But not for breakfast. Never for breakfast. What's wrong with you?
 
My name is Jodi Kellogg and I think that eating chocolate covered donuts instead of Kellogg's sugar coated Frosted Flakes is completely irresponsible. I don't make a cent off those donuts!
 
My name is Chucky LaJoy and I am a donut maker. Screw all them that tell you donuts are no good. Screw 'em, I tell ya.
 
Ok, I am Dr. Frankie Asumbo, DW (Doctor of Wellness), and I can tell you straight off that the mini chocolate donuts are far healthier than the full size ones. They're so much smaller! I hope that helped.
 
Tom O'Harris here. Professional nutritionist here. I would lose my license, if we had to be licensed, which we don't, unregulated as we are, doing as we please, anyway, I would be thrown in nutritionist jail if I prescribed donuts for breakfast. Sure, it sounds like fun now, but what about later? What about that?  
 
Dr. Carol Crutcher, MD, replying to your request. There is no difference between eating chocolate covered donuts or Kellogg's Frosted Flakes for breakfast. Both are laden with sugar. I would suggest avoiding both.
 
Hey! Who the hell is this Carol Crutcher? Did you check her qualifications? Is she a REAL doctor? This is Jodi Kellogg again and I am urging all my Twitter followers to Get her!
 
All right then, it seems that I'm onto something and nothing all at once. Goodness gracious.
 
June 30, 2022
We have reached the last day of June.
See, declarative statements, that's the kind of thing we're about around here.
We are not afraid to utter rock solid, count on me statements.
Statements such as Get out of my way! and Stand back!
If you want wishy washy.
If you want a bunch of I dunno, let-me-take-a-guess stuff.
Then perhaps the Weather Channel is your cup of tea.
But 'round here, we drink beer and declare.
 

 
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