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KeithSpeak - July 2024


July 1, 2024
It's Canada Day. 34 years ago myself and about 25 other immigrants became Canadian citizens. The ceremony happened outside on a beautiful sunny afternoon in a city park. It was low key, sincere and a darned nice way to say, Welcome Home.
July 2, 2024
I bought a tire pressure gauge and then discovered I had an unused one in a toolbox, so I tried them both. Jeez, there was an 11 PSI difference between the two gauges - and both are manufactured by the same company. Now I don't know which one is correct. So I called the company about the discrepancy and they promised to send me a new gauge. It just arrived. I just used it. Huh, will you look at that, I now have 3 different gauges that read 3 different pressures on the same tire. How does this sort of thing happen? I suppose it could be shoddy manufacturing or pitiful quality control - or it might be the handiwork of that planned obsolescence wanker mentioned last month! Yes! And he's taken it one step further - it won't crap out soon, it just won't work from the get go! That ruddy bastard! Anyway, I still didn't know which was the correct PSI reading so, yes, I bought a 4th tire pressure gauge. Only I made sure it was from a different company and the fact that it cost twice as much as the previous 3 defective ones combined, gave me confidence in its reading. The tire was low. A lot of hoopla for something so small.
July 3, 2024
When there's nothing edgy about you and a concocted hairstyle is really all you have to show to the society you are rebelling against, is it enough?
Now boys, get off my lawn.
July 4, 2024
Overheard two guys discussing the weather.
-- It sure was a cool, wet June. I wonder what July will bring.
-- Who cares?
-- I do. I like to know the weather so I can dress appropriately.
-- If it's hot, wear shorts. Cold, put on a jacket.
-- There's more to it than that. It's scientific, Bill.
-- Look, you get up every day and there is weather. You don't have to worry about it or plan for it or anything. It's just there. Like air.
-- You have your beliefs and I have mine.
-- Frankie, I haven't even begun to tell you my beliefs about the weather.
-- What are you talking about?
-- We - you, me, the people in our local area - we all create the weather with our thoughts and attitude about the weather. That's why it's different everywhere.
-- What? That's nuts. How do we create the weather?
-- I just told you. It's a reflection of the ideas, attitudes and thoughts of those people living locally that create your local weather experience.
-- That's nuts.
-- Is it?
-- Yup, it is. I happen to put my trust in the meteorologists of this world.  
-- They just report on the weather. I'm telling you how it's created.
-- Bosh!
-- Bosh?
-- Bosh.
July 5, 2024
He smiled briefly. A man known for his bad fortune just experienced an entire day where nothing unexpected happened to him or his loved ones. There was no drama and no calamity, no one was hurt, no one was harmed. It was like that scene in The Sound Of Music where Julie Andrews twirls around that mountain top singing her little heart out. But then the song ends and he would get depressed again. He would try to remember Julie in that field, leastways until he learned that a botched surgery had robbed her of her singing voice so she could no longer be his feel good memory and was instead, now a tragic figure, just like himself; companions in misery. When asked why he was so aggrieved, he simply guessed, "Bad juju?"
July 7, 2024
In the last week or so -  a bear in the yard, two bears up in the field and now a bear by the hot tub. Actually, I had the cover open and was just about to go out when I saw the bear standing next to the tub eyeing the water. He's going to get in! Noooo. I've seen enough YouTube videos to know that once they find it, they don't forget it. Thankfully, my presence at the door was enough to shift his attention from the water to me. I guess the juice wasn't worth the squeeze because as he ambled away and into the bush, he said, I'll be back. This isn't over. Oh, great!
July 8, 2024
Why do politics attract the stupid, the disingenuous, the pea brained of the population? These imbeciles are everywhere in government. And everyone wonders how things got so fucked up. Sheesh.
July 10, 2024
Is it noble to have lied to save someone's feelings or is it noble to have lied to save your own butt? In other words, lying, is it better for you or for them?
July 11, 2024
Did Sandra's impulsive streak finally pay off? Usually she would do something spur of the moment and then later regret it, but was this time different? She had 5 dollars left to her name and in a screw it all moment bought a 5 dollar lottery ticket. It didn't win. But there was a second chance draw! She didn't win that either. Because she was now broke and hungry, she was outside a Subway begging for spare change when she met a man that would change her life. Office Brown arrested her for vagrancy and while in the hoosegow she was celled up with Janet, a pickpocket with magic fingers. Over the days, months and years of incarceration Sandra and Janet got all lovey dovey and made jailhouse plans. When they got out they got married and adopted a dozen waifs. But real life wasn't jail life and in no time at all they were divorced, called each other the biggest mistake of their lives, and sent all the kids back to the orphanage like they were returning a parka to L.L. Bean's. Later, when Sandra found herself back at the same Subway begging for spare change, she had to laugh as she connected the dots all the way back to that 5 dollar non-winning lottery ticket. Ha ha ha. No she didn't, she started crying at finding herself in the exact same circumstances again, except now she was divorced, a certified bad mother and an ex-con. She didn't stop bawling until some kind-hearted grandma gave her half her foot long. So, scoring that sandwich, did Sandra's impulsive streak finally pay off? What?
July 12, 2024
Their age difference had never really been an issue until this morning. He was listening to The Four Tops when his girlfriend asked him who they were. He told her about Motown. She said she never heard of it. He was disappointed that something so meaningful to him was lost on her. It was a small thing, but in many ways, it was the beginning of the end. Their age difference had never really been an issue, until this morning.
July 13, 2024
At the psychiatrists office.
-- Am I crazy, Doc?
-- You could be, I haven't made my final determination.
-- What happens if I'm certifiably nuts?
-- Oh, not much. Unless someone wants to commit you, you'll just go on living your life, annoying those you love and alienating those you work with.
-- Heck, that's simple enough.
-- These are polarized, chaotic times. You'll fit right in. Except for your loved ones and those you work with, you'll hardly be noticed.
-- But I don't want any misunderstandings, Doc. How can I be sure people will know there's something wrong with me?
-- Vote for Trump. That says it all.
-- I want them to know I'm crazy, not stupid.


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