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KeithSpeak - July 2012


July 1, 2012
Valet parking in this quarry sucks. They put my truck between a rock and a hard place. I'm not coming here anymore. You can bet it'll be a higher class of quarry for me from now on.
July 2, 2012
I think we can all agree that it's time to retire miming as an acceptable form of human expression, yes? The problem? Have you ever tried to tell a mime to stop it? They just mock you with more mimes. The more you tell them to quit it, the more they don't until you just want to choke the life out of them. Why should we be so vexed by these half-people?! So before ordinary folks have to resort to crimes against humanity, I propose we make miming a felony and put away these costumed street devils. I say we let them use their gestures and body movements on their fellow incarceratees and see how long that lasts. But I must chuckle - perhaps you think I was the victim of a childhood miming accident or something the way I'm going on about them, but I wasn't, though there were these clowns... Ok, so who's with me?
July 3, 2012
If you're looking to buy a house with a view, and the real estate agent boasts about one where you can see forever, you can't really. That's a lie. They are lying to you. Always remember, the earth is round, you can't see forever from that house or anywhere else, except maybe space - but living in space would be silly! Are real estate agents now suggesting that?! If it were me, I wouldn't stand for it. I'm just sayin'...
July 4, 2012
Flamingo Talk
-- So Joey says to me, Stella, I could kiss you! Kiss me! Can you imagine?!
-- That's nothing, once I was at the beach with him and he tried to compliment me on my neck posture, as if!
-- He's a pig.
-- Help guys, I'm stuck. My beak is stuck.
-- So then he tells me to fly with him to this mango grove he knows.
-- You didn't go did you?!
-- Are you kidding me? There's crocs in those groves.
-- Guys? A little help?
-- Joey's a pig. However, his friend Marco sure ruffles my feathers.
-- Marco is so dreamy!
-- I know!
-- Stop walking, girls. Come back. Where are you going!
-- Marco and I once had a shrimp feed together, but nothing came of it.
-- I hear he has a wingspan like you wouldn't believe.
-- Do tell, girl!
-- The only problem is - you get Marco, you get Joey too.
-- I know.
-- Joey's a pig.
July 5, 2012
It's awkward, isn't it, when you have to try and pretend to like the manipulative, shallow, bigoted, outspoken, conservative spouse of a friend? I hate it when that happens.
July 7, 2012
Do you think it's a coincidence that we are currently living through the time of the Beatles (high water mark in art), the first men in space (science), or the end of the Mayan calendar (spiritualism)?
July 8, 2012
Go Speed Racer!
July 9, 2012
My neighbor saw what may or may not have been a UFO. That got me to thinking about alien abduction. Do you realize that the abduction scenario ending in medical experiments performed upon the human is human vivisection? Do you realize that the aliens are doing exactly what we do to dogs and mice and monkeys every day in our laboratories? And that to these captive animals we are the nightmare from which they can't escape? We humans are horrified and scared out of our minds when it is done to us, so why don't we understand that it is the same for the animals when we do it to them?
July 10, 2012
Well over 25 years of bliss is about to disappear. The jerk across the road is putting in a subdivision. Over 23 houses will now be directly across the street from our house and acreage. That's 23 houses full of cars and kids and pets and quads and dirt bikes and massively increased traffic and 5 years of constant construction all so one jerk can profit at the expense of others. Nice.
July 11, 2012
Made some changes to my computer. After I was done I could no longer open the virtual machine. I had locked myself out. But get this, because I knew I would do that one day (ahem), I had a plan for it. There was another way to access the virtual computer. Which I happily employed. And which didn't work. Uh oh.
July 12, 2012
My god! When did the military start recruiting children to fly transport planes?! Am I the first to report this...this outrage?!
July 13, 2012
I have suddenly discovered about 15 new websites that I like. They all came in a big bunch where one led to another and so on. I calculate that with 15 new bookmarks I'm going to have to get up a half hour earlier every day just to read this much more content. Maybe I won't like them as much as the sleep I lose? Dunno. Time will tell.
July 14, 2012
Somebody told me they were fearful because things were going so well. That made no sense. Why, when you are in a hot streak, would you even intimate its end, think about the demise, sit fretting about when the other shoe will drop? Sheesh, you're on a roll, rejoice. Capish?
July 15, 2012
Like many dogs, ours get very nervous and clingy during thunderstorms and fireworks. However, my wife has discovered a wonderful help for their anxiety during these stressful periods. She rubs down each dog's coat with a new dryer sheet. 5-10 minutes later they are calm and relaxed, even though the thunderstorm is still raging. Perhaps it removes some static charge built up from the electricity in the air? I don't know what chemicals they impregnate those sheets with and it's quite possible that your dog may hate it if they are scented, but unscented dryer sheets rubbed on the coats of our malamutes allows them to weather the storm without fear. That's nifty for us, maybe useful to others.
July 16, 2012
I'm gobsmacked! They've landed! And they look just like us!
July 18, 2012
Overheard waiting in line at the post office:
-- I was watching this show on Machu Picchu. You should see this place.
-- Ach, you seen one Machu Picchu you seen 'em all.
-- Yeah, I guess.  
-- You want my advice? Aim low, Larry. We're just regular guys.
-- Yeah, I guess.
July 19, 2012
I've had a brutal schedule this month. First it's been the 5AM risings to catch the Tour de France live. And now that the British Open has started, it's pushed that wakeup call back to 4AM. In a week the Summer Olympics start and live coverage will be from midnight on, as London is 8 hours ahead of us. From that point I shall be up virtually all day and all night watching sports, drinking beer and screaming at the telly. Is it hard? Sure it is. Is it a sacrifice? You bet. But don't cry for me Argentina, I can always sleep through August if need be. So I'm good.
July 20, 2012
July 21, 2012
I was in some guy's garage looking at a mountain bike that was for sale. It didn't look like it had been used much but I couldn't figure out why the seat had all this strapping on it. I asked him what that was for. He said it was his wife's bike and when she went out for what she would call "sexercise", she would strap a small dildo on the seat, mount it, and go off for a ride (or maybe he said get off on a ride, I'm not sure). Either way, the ick factor queered the deal (look, I met his wife when I first arrived and though I wouldn't exactly describe her as disgusting, she was disgusting.) I knew that every time I got on the bike I would think of her and her dildo, and that that would be a mental picture so tremendously yucky that I just had to walk away, purge my mind of this woman and her instrument, move on with my life.
July 22, 2012
Dave could watch Ken and Dolly play beach ball keep-a-way all day long. "They are endless fun!" gushed Dave, mesmerized as he was by Dolly's magnificent leaps and Ken's ginger good looks. But Simone, Dave's sultry wife, thought Ken and Dolly to be a couple of show offs and hardly worth her attention, instead thrusting her chest out at the boatload of native fishermen who had just come out of the water, all wet, with their clothes sticking to them, transparent rags really, their dark skin contrasting so nicely with the sand and sea, not to mention their obvious manly vigor and many caught fish. Later, Dave and Simone would argue endlessly about her attraction to working men and their roughness, while Dolly would suffer shin splints from all of her beach jumping and refuse Ken's amorous advances because of it. Both men commiserated over a bottle of rum, got carried away with the tropical atmosphere and started their own passionate love affair that would, in the end, outlast both of their marriages.
July 23, 2012
I was in a shop yesterday where the teenage help were rude and indifferent. I was there to pick up a package and after being ignored by one salesgirl, then spoken to huffily by another, then finally given my package by a put out petulant punk who acted as if I was ruining her day by being a customer, just lost one for life, because frankly, if I wanted to deal with horrid little children, I would go into politics.
July 24, 2012
As you all know, the London Olympics are set to start this week. As you may or may not know, I believe the Olympics are the Greatest Show on Earth and I for one will be glued to the TV for the upcoming two weeks. Inevitably, the site will suffer. I will update whenever I can, but it won't be a priority. Ok, just thought you'd like to know.
July 25, 2012
Went to the liquor store and ran into an old friend buying champagne. I asked if it was for a special occasion and he said it was. It seems the girl he has been trying to dump for 3 months but turned out to be a kind of Fatal Attraction crazy who threatened him with an ice pick and a chainsaw if he ever left her, found out that she has Lyme's disease and will be more or less a shadow of her former ferocious self for the next 6 months. "I plan to dump her then," he says with a smile. "So I'm celebrating the beginning of the end." Yeesh.
July 26, 2012
Once you're photographed like this and it is posted to the Interwebs, you will never be able to undo that face. If you're lucky, it won't become a meme. To some you will look addled, others drunk. Some might mistake your gaunt cheeks and slack jaw for a deformity or birth defect of some caliber, your drooped half-eyelids a dead give away to the paucity of intelligence behind them. The partially formed word exiting your mouth is highlighted by the wisps of unevenly spaced teeth peeking from the upper lip and overshadowed by the dreadnaught position of the tongue against the lower one. You are probably a well informed, decent looking bloke, but you'd never know it by this.
July 29, 2012
The dogs and I were up walking in our field when we heard a caterwauling coming from a grove of trees. The dogs started over to investigate but before they reached the spot, three cats came shooting out of the woods only to come to a dead stop when they saw our malamutes. Like a cartoon, the cats skedaddled back into the trees with the dogs right after them. By the time I got there, all three kitties were up different fir trees while the canines excitedly sniffed the ground below them. Two of the cats seemed appropriately worried and never took their eyes off the dogs, but the third was sitting on a branch ten feet off the ground and licking its paw like it knows that dogs can't climb trees and now it's just a waiting game, ho hum. In the span of a few moments there had been cat panic, flight for life, safety and insouciance. I found myself wondering what was next because so far, this walk had it all.

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KeithSpeak                                        August 2012




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