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KeithSpeak - July 2008



July 1, 2008



Sophie posing, her only known dog trick, self-taught.


July 2, 2008
Ahem. I am living a perfectly lovely life surrounded by those I love, in a place I love, doing what I love. I just thought I’d mention that. In case anyone was wondering.

July 3, 2008

I recently wrote a beautiful poem. It's based on a classic, only I made mine somewhat post-modern because, well, I thought it needed it. Ok, then.


Roses are red,

But so are apples, beets and Ferraris.

Violets are blue, I guess. Frankly, I wouldn’t know a violet if I tripped on one.

Sugar is sweet - but very very bad for you! Listen, if I catch you eating candy before dinner again I’ll wash your mouth out with soap, little mister!

And so are you. Not bad, sweet. Tasty. Way better than one of those crusty energy bars that Lance Armstrong promotes. Ok then, any questions?

The end.


July 4, 2008

I got invited to a webmasters convention. I imagined a hundred guys in shabby clothes at a Holiday Inn conference room talking trash about Flash, PhP and XML, revealing insider info on log manipulation, site revenue, and corporate bosses. I imagined a hundred guys with open laptops and universal dongles arguing about the newest XHTML standards, server side languages and how bad the food is but still eating whatever is put in front of them. I see that caffeinated drinks are as ubiquitous as the lack of women and the plethora of cell phones, which are constantly humming, vibrating and ringing with the newest company alarm about something gone wrong because their webmaster isn’t there. I see a weekend of total geekery... Haw, sounds like fun! I think I’m in.


July 5, 2008

I’m down on the waterfront when this guy to my left screams, “Look, a bandicoot!” Say what? ”Oh my god!” he yells, “I can’t believe it’s a bandicoot!” Dude, I tell him, that’s a raccoon. I add that bandicoots are terrestrial marsupials from Australia that are in present danger of extinction, and have never been found in North America, let alone here at the Salmon Arm wharf. “Well,” he snivels, “it looks just like a bandicoot.” No it doesn’t, I return. It looks just like what it is - a raccoon. “What are you, some kind of biologist,” he spits, like taxonomy is the pornography of science. “Maybe I just liked saying the word bandicoot,” he finally lets on. “Anyway, I’m telling everyone it was a bandicoot and you can’t do a thing about it.” When knowledge is a deal breaker, all bets are off.


July 6, 2008

Buying crack in 1878.

Except for the pocket square and cane, looks pretty modern, eh?


July 7, 2008

A friend’s site got Dugg and it fried his server. He had 109,000 page views in the 90 minutes before his system gave up the ghost. The amazing part was, he had about 200 page views a day prior to the Digg explosion, and now that he is a week away from the event, he notes that his logs still show about 200 page views a day. In other words, none of the 100,000+ returned to his site. What’s the point of being discovered if you’re not, well, discovered?


July 8, 2008

Many years ago I wrote how the word ‘blog’ made me yack. I said I couldn’t believe that what I loved doing was called something so onerous and retching-like. Blogging, it sounded like some bodily function gone wrong. There isn’t even any point in offering alternative names because blooooog is here to stay. And I still like it as much as broccoli. Ugh.


July 9, 2008

I sit down at the computer this morning and see there are Microsoft updates that downloaded overnight and await installation. I activate the install. Ten minutes later my computer ceases to work. An hour later I get it to finally boot up to my desktop and files, but there is no Net access, no mail access, and no network. It took me another 3½ hours to find the conflicts, resolve the conflicts and restore our network. Shortly thereafter, I called my Dad and congratulated him on having a Mac. I was dead serious too.


July 10, 2008

J. Krishnamurti, an enlightened man, was addressing a group in the 1980s when he paused, and almost conspiratorially asked them,  “So you want to know what my secret is?” Every person leaned forward in anticipation.  In a soft, almost shy voice he said, “You see, I don’t mind what happens.”



July 11, 2008

Please meet Claude LaForche, our newest employee. He’s only been with us for a week - yet he’s wrecking our business! The female personnel are falling all over themselves for this half French, half Russian natural born lady killer. Says Sheila from Marketing, “It’s the moustache!” “And those half-lidded bedroom eyes!” added Lila, who was walking by us in the hallway, “And that accent!” shouted Georgina from the front office. We learned of his powers early on when suave Claude accidentally ventured out onto the loading dock and nearly sent warehouse foreman Rita to the hospital for heart conniptions. The ambulance was ready to come and everything. When I introduced him around Accounting, Maria fainted, Ali swore - she never swears, and Diana flung herself at him like the other half of a piece of Velcro. Clearly, I’m gonna have to let the guy go. I dunno, my judgment seems off lately.


July 12, 2008

Every once in a while you just have to take a day off. Today’s mine. Ta.


July 13, 2008

Our current TV is dying a slow, noticeable death  +  The Olympics are several weeks away (Oh boy!) = We are looking to buy a new HDTV. Man, after doing my research and shopping around I gotta say that the HDTV industry are doing a PHENOMENALLY crappy job of informing and defining for the average first time HDTV buyer, the myriad specific choices necessary for purchasing a plasma or LCD HDTV. It felt like going to a used car lot – I didn’t trust anything I was being told, which included contradictory ‘advice’, boldfaced lies and obfuscation. Nice industry image. What’s up with that?


July 14, 2008

It was a weekend full of work, which made Saturday and Sunday feel like a Wednesday and Thursday. The only problem is now Monday feels like a Saturday. That means if I work today, Tuesday will feel like a Tuesday, but if I take today off, Tuesday will feel like Sunday. Hmm...


July 15, 2008

Claude LaForche is suing me for wrongful dismissal – using my own lawyer! And I’ve just been informed by Arnold, my lawyer, that he wants to represent me as well "and keep the whole thing in-house”. What the hell is that?


July 16, 2008

I suspect Arnold just wants to double his fees and isn’t going to let a little thing like conflict of interest get in the way of commerce. Cutting this whole wretched plan off at the knees, I offer suave Claude his job back, but tell him that I’m moving his office to the basement so as not to distract the rest of the female employees. This turns out to be unacceptable. “Zhis is unacceptable!” shrieks Claude. “If zhere are no women about, my charms are wasted, my life ez nothing! I will not partake in zhis tragedy! Good day!” and he stormed out of Arnold’s office. Satisfied, Arnold presented me with his bill. Sigh. I dunno, my judgment seems really off lately.


July 17, 2008

If pressed, Shana would admit to loitering.



July 18, 2008

Click, I surfed into some sanitized super-hokey fake commercial for some horrid looking mixed-drink-in-a-bottle product where they were showing all these rich, beautiful, responsible drinkers partying in their 6 million dollar beach cottage laughing and being so taken with their slimy looking brown-mess-in-a-bottle, and NOT a group of underage delinquents wrecking the furniture, puking in the hallways, lighting the curtains on fire, throwing the BBQ into the pool and stealing stuff – the things that really happen at the parties where this swill is consumed, and I thought, trying to upmarket a product known for its cheapness and vile taste but very high alcoholic content, is doomed. Click.


July 19, 2008

Just what do you think is going on? Do you have a philosophy about your life? Have you given lots of thought to what is what and why that’s so? Do you feel that your life is directive and creative and malleable? Have you allowed yourself your head, cut loose, run free, created a life that is so pleasingly subjective, so beautifully self-tailored and so gosh darned satisfying that it stupefies even you? If the answer is no, well, what are you waiting for?


July 20, 2008

When Zelda saw the ad for the Flyest Girl competition at the Roxy, she thought it meant you had to look good AND really fly. Here she is, unbeknownst to the audience, mentally preparing for take off. Sixty seconds later, she and the three folks she landed on in the orchestra pit were on their way to St. Mary’s of the Unfortunate Hospital. Did Zelda win? Not unless you count 6 weeks in physical therapy and three personal injury lawsuits as a prize.


July 21, 2008

A woman wrote and told me I’m her guilty pleasure. The pleasure, she said, was in reading me daily. The guilt was in the fact that she hasn’t mentioned my site to anyone, even though she knows people who would love it. I want to keep it for myself, she said, is that so wrong? I wrote back and assured her, mum’s the word.


July 22, 2008

I asked a satellite TV salesman the advantages of satellite over cable. He smiled and said, sports and porn. I must admit, for a guy to guy sales pitch, pret-ty compelling...


July 23, 2008

I just like the feel of this picture.


July 24, 2008

So my phone rings and it’s some producer from Calgary by way of LA who wants to shoot a feature up in my neck of the woods. I’m thinking it’s a writing job, right? Wrong. This guy wants me to be a location scout for his movie. Say what? Yeah, he assures me, I bet you know the area real good.

-- How’d you get my number?

-- From the Writers Guild directory.

-- Did you tell them you were looking for a location scout?

-- No.

-- Did you tell them you were looking for a screenwriter?

-- Yes.

-- But you’re not.

-- No, I’m not.

How can I have respect for this man now? I have been dissed. To my face. I was, of course, shocked. Shocked, I say! So I quoted him the amount I would have charged him to write the screenplay, as my fee for my alledged scoutorial prowess, and of course he refused my services. There was nothing more to say; we both went on with our lives.


July 25, 2008

We pulled the trigger on the new HDTV. It’s way nice. I feel like I’m in someone else’s house. Can’t wait for the Olympics, should be even better than before, and they were merely The Greatest Show on Earth before. Look at me, I’m twittering early.


July 26, 2008

This site is sort of the opposite of a social site. It doesn’t matter what others think of what’s said here, it only matters what you think about that. I’m always speaking only to you, as opposed to a social site where one speaks to everybody, and then everybody speaks back, and amongst themselves. Social sites are Times Square, whereas we’re more of a country estate with lush views, a swimming pond and privacy at every turn.


July 27, 2008

You know it's portrait day. You've gotten all dolled up with the velvet suit and the groovy white turtleneck and what, you just forgot to comb your hair?! You just decided to look like you're ready to kill the guy off camera?! Dude!


July 28, 2008

Had a bunch of family movies transferred from tape to DVD. What a pleasure it was watching them again in the new format. In a few years’ time, I’ll probably be transferring them from DVD to whatever is next – and it will be fun watching them all over again. This media swap will most likely continue throughout the rest of my life as there will always be something new and better. This means volatile storage media is responsible for keeping my family alive. Am I the first to realize this?


July 29, 2008

Here is a pic of the new metal dog door bear gate. It’s a  73lb. piece of 1/2” plasma cut plate steel liberated, via an oxy-acetylene torch, from a much larger 500lb. piece of plate steel stored down at our barn. Now at least bears won’t be able to walk unimpeded into our house. Woo doggie, that’s a good thing.


July 30, 2008

I’ve just booked off my calendar for the 16 days in August when I’ll be at one with the telly and the couch, completely captivated by the Beijing Olympics. It’s only 8 days away! Mmm. More later on how I won’t be doing anything during that time.


July 31, 2008

I’m walking along the street when I notice a piece of black plastic on the sidewalk. I pick it up and see that it’s a micro flash drive; someone else’s data. Could be personal or corporate, could be a hoax and the drive contains a virus, could be a whole lot of things, none of which I cared enough about to become involved with because one, I’m not a snoopy-type guy, and two, just as I’m sure others would see these 4 GBs as a treasure trove to be fully explored, I didn’t. I can’t return the drive to it’s rightful owner without looking at data on it; without plugging a complete unknown into my computer, and that is so not gonna happen. I put it back where I found it and walked on. Why, what would you have done?



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  KeithSpeak                                          August 2008



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