-- Not my age. I thought Carla would have killed me by now.
-- Your wife?
-- No Carla is my mother-in-law. She hated me marrying June. She cut the brakes on my car the day we met.
-- What?!
-- She said excuse me while we were all getting acquainted in the living room. We thought she was in the kitchen getting coffee or something but she came back with nothing in her hands, brake fluid on her jeans and dirt under her fingernails.
-- That's outrageous!
-- No kidding. So now June excuses herself for the bathroom and when she is gone Carla leans over to me and says, 'You will marry June over my dead body...or yours.'
-- I would have gotten the hell out of there, Teddy.
-- Geno, we got married anyway.
-- Wait, what happened to the brakes on your car?
-- I went to leave and saw there was brake fluid on the ground. I popped the hood and saw that she had filled the master cylinder with dirt from her garden. She also cut the brake lines just to be sure.
-- What did you do?
-- Called a tow truck.
-- She sounds psycho.
-- I have escaped her death attempts several times now.
-- Man, you must really love your wife.
-- Not really. I'm just staying married to spite Carla.
-- Wow.
-- Yeah.
-- Happy 2025?
-- Sure, why not. I'm still breathing, Geno. I'm still breathing.
January 2, 2025
A new month and I'm already taking days off. The nerve! Mañana, my pretties.
January 3, 2025
This morning I saw
two men fighting over the last snow shovel at Canadian Tire
a dog wearing a bow tie walking by itself down the street
a group of teenagers smoking a joint outside a Subway shop
an old lady struggling to push her walker through 4 inches of sidewalk snow
a flock of pigeons on some power lines bespeckling cars parked below
that the donut shop we like had raised their prices for 2025
a woman who ran a red light and the cop who did a U turn to chase her down
and a fire truck returning to the station covered in ice from dousing some blaze in below freezing temperatures.
To see what I saw this morning, you have to look. Otherwise, all this passes you by while you're staring at your phone worrying whether social media has recognized your importance in the world. Capish?
January 4, 2025
I channel surfed into the worst game show ever. The contestants had to rat out their family members by telling terrible family secrets live on air.
"My mother was so mean she gave out moldy candy bars at Halloween. You know how long it takes a Snickers to mold? Like years. All us kids told her to stop but she said she was doing all the parents in the neighborhood a public service so that they will check the stuff strangers just gave their children to eat on Halloween. Of course, Bruno, that was bullshit because kids got sick and the cops came knocking and they raided the house finding next year's Halloween candy bars molding away in a closet in the basement. Ma got charged with 18 counts of candy neglect, willfully harming costumed children, a $75 dollar fine plus she had to replace all the kids' moldy candy bars with good ones. We had to move. A lot."
"I'm sorry, Danny. Though your story has some disturbing elements and your mother sounds like one crazy mean old lady, but Mary Alice's story of how her father robbed a bank to buy her a pony is better. Even though her father is now on the lam, she got her pony. That's heartwarming. So top prize goes to Mary Alice Crumholtz. Come on up and get your 100 dollars!"
100 bucks? For ratting out your family and telling the world how messed up your kin are? 100 bucks? And Bruno? The host's name is Bruno? Red flag. No good game show has ever been hosted by a Bruno. All this and more makes it the worst game show ever. Does too.
January 5, 2025
I have a friend who is a college professor philosopher. He is always challenging me to make him think. Today I sent him this: Sincerity is nice, but it must be intentioned and not faux just because the situation calls for a shoulder to cry on. So what is the tell for true sincerity? It's not tears. Anybody can fake those. It's not a wry smile. It's not tremendous concern. Or is it?
Some people do crossword puzzles. We do this.
January 7, 2025
INANE CONVERSATIONS - Part 1
-- Johnny, I want you to draw my picture.
-- What? I'm not an artist.
-- I know, but I read in a magazine that when your lover draws your picture, that is how they really see you. I want to know how you see me.
-- Megan, I see you just fine.
-- No, this is for me to see how you see me.
-- I don't know what you're talking about.
-- Ok Johnny, suppose I had a big nose. But you had never really said anything to me about my big nose, but when you draw my picture, you exaggerate my nose even bigger and so that would tell me that you are bothered by the size of my nose, without actually having to say it out loud.
-- But you don't have a big nose.
-- Grab a pencil and draw me.
-- No.
-- No?
-- This sounds like a setup to me, Megan.
-- A setup for what?
-- I dunno, maybe I draw a childish picture and you post it on Instagram and people laugh at me.
-- I would never do that!
-- Let's make a pact. I will never draw your picture or tell anyone that you have a big nose.
-- That's not a pact.
-- Megan, do you think you have a big nose? Is that what this is all about?
-- Oh god. Forget I ever brought it up, Johnny.
-- Done.
January 8, 2025
INANE CONVERSATIONS - Part 2
-- Johnny, I've thought about it some more and I definitely need you to draw my picture.
-- No way, Megan. We made a pact, remember?
-- No, we didn't.
-- I'm pretty sure we did. Why are you so crazed for this?
-- I need you to reveal how I look to you.
-- You look good to me. You look great. Always have. Stop this, ok?
-- I can't. I'm obsessed with how you view me.
-- You want the truth? Is that what you're after? Ok, that truth is, Megan, you have a big nose.
-- (Gasp) I knew it! I knew it!
January 10, 2025
ANOTHER ADVENTURE WITH MRS. KLEPPER, BIPOLAR TEACHER!
-- Ok class, the assignment was to build a snowperson in the image of a celebrity. You'll be graded on creativity, how much your snowperson looks like the celebrity you intended and will help identify those of you who are sandbagging, disinterested or just talentless hacks. More on that later. I'm excited. Shall we begin?
Ooh, Carly, I can immediately tell that's Beyoncé! Very good, dear!
And Brenda, what a tremendous replica of Amelia Earhart! Including the plane! Excellent!
Tad, good job with your Jimi Hendrix - only he played the guitar left handed, you might want to fix that!
And a, oh my, um, Joey, um, who is this supposed to be?
-- Ryan Seacrest greeting Bono like a long lost bro?
-- What?
-- Trump?
-- Ok, wait a minute. You do have the ridiculous fake hair, the blank I'm-a-complete-moron stare, but this snowman would have to be fatter and wearing a diaper. Still, the beady eyes, the look of a shameless whoring grifter, the brown hamburger and chicken grease stains on his mouth and neck, those are true to life. I suppose it could be Trump. But jeez... Who's next? Petey, is that to scale?
-- It is, Mrs. Klepper.
-- Well it's an awesome, faithful replication of every skyscraper and building in Manhattan, but damn it son, the assignment was to do a celebrity look alike.
-- Look closer at the Empire State Building.
-- Why, it's King Kong on the spire! Oh, well done, Petey!
Ok kids look, I'm gonna level with you. I've had it with some of you, but I needed proof to be able to expel you, so this assignment was to expose the talentless people who really shouldn't be in my class bringing me down. I'm talking about you, Joey. Get out. That snowman was an abomination. Get out now, talentless child.
-- But-
-- No buts, Joey. You're bringing me down, boy. Just moments ago I was euphoric at the other sculptures and then I get to you and see this..this thing. And it depresses me. Now I'm depressed. It's sad, Joey. You're making me sad. Please, just get out.
-- Well I'm not leaving.
-- Ah, whatever. I'm tired. Class dismissed.
Yet ANOTHER ADVENTURE WITH MRS. KLEPPER, BIPOLAR TEACHER!
January 11, 2025
If a wormhole opened up in your backyard, would you go through it? Or would you wait for someone from the other side to come to you? What if you both went through it at the same time from each end and met in the middle and crashed and everyone dies in the wormhole but you saved the Earth from alien invasion? Just a thought...
January 12, 2025
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Everything has consciousness
Does too
January 14, 2025
America, what the fuck? At best, your money worship has clouded your judgement, has it not? Elmo Musk and Diaper Donnie are definitive proof that money does not make the man, nor does it confer character. So in reality you now have a drug addled autistic dirtbag and a convicted felon running your country. And you're ok with that. Why?
January 15, 2025
Watched a movie last night that had an intriguing premise and started out sharply but somewhere in the 2nd act went spectacularly awry. Did I miss something? What the hell just happened? Did the station switch reels? Nothing started making sense as new characters and plot lines entered and exited with frightening speed - and none of it had anything to do with the original movie or its premise. This unmitigated mess was now clearly being directed by a completely different person, a hack. Hoping this clusterfuck would get better was now a pipe dream. Turning it off was the best decision I made last night. Say, how was your evening?
January 16, 2025
I went to the post office and a guy was at a package table with a stack of about 100 envelopes and several rolls of stamps. He was licking each stamp and applying it. He had done about 20 envelopes when he says outloud, "They should flavour these things. How hard would it be to make a stamp that tastes like cherry or banana when you lick it? I should write a letter."
It's exactly what I would have said, except I would have substituted chocolate for cherry and pizza flavouring for banana.
January 18, 2025
Was out of town yesterday and am going out of town again today. The nerve!
Ok, I'm back. The place was closed. Sign on their door basically saying they've gone fishing. That was a two hour drive for nothing. Sigh. So I'm back in town. A friend calls to meet for coffee. I pick the place. I get there. I don't believe it. They're closed! A sign on the door says they're on holiday until such and such a date. Twice in one morning! Again, one wonders, does this stuff only happen to me?
