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KeithSpeak - January 2013


January 1, 2013
 Canada in dead of winter. Check
Alaskan malamute in snow. Check.
Frigid -25 temperature. Check.
Icicles. Check.
The promise of a new year. Check.
Our best wishes. Check.
January 3, 2013
The name of the band was Pretentious. And they were. They were playing the lobby of a Ramada Inn, celebrating the 10th anniversary of the establishment, singing inappropriately about bedbugs and thin walls, the entire band displaying a staggering amount of utter musical incompetence all in one place at the same time with no apparent shame. It was glorious in its schadenfreude.
January 4, 2013
"All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration.
We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.
There is no such thing as death,
life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."
                                                                                    Bill Hicks
January 5, 2013
Look, I know there is no such thing as time and that we all accept what is essentially a root construct that everything is linear and moves continually forward except for the present moment which is nothing more than, well jeez, everything, but is it necessary that we denigrate it in addition to disparaging its very existence? I'm just sayin'...
January 6, 2013
Two squirrels were sitting on a section of our fence bickering at each other. The bird feeder was triangulated between them and I imagined they were each saying the seed within was theirs. While they were arguing about it, song birds continued to come and go from the feeder. At the same time, a ring necked pheasant was slowly making its way through the snow to the seed filled ground below the hanging feeder. Watching all that is precisely why I have a bird feeder outside my office window in winter.
January 7, 2013
A friend from Minnesota called and told me he had just finished doing his taxes for 2012. I was flabbergasted because I had always thought that the first week of a new year was supposed to be devoted to debauchery, out of control lifestyle choices and a lack of all responsibility for self or others. But taxes? Isn't that kind of anal? He told me with his refund coming at the end of January he will be on a mid-winter vacation in Mexico sitting on the beach sipping margaritas while I'm freezing my ass off in Canada. Et tu anal then? Ha ha ha ha ha.
January 8, 2013
I have a skull in my office and I'm not sure why. It appears to be canine, but I don't know if it's a dog, wolf or coyote. A friend of my wife's gave it to her to give to me. But I don't know why. So I put it on a book shelf in my office and it looks ok there and mostly I forget about it but every once in a while I'll notice it again and wonder, why do I have a skull in my office?
January 9, 2013
Cheryl and her mom were so dramatic. Like the time they saw a cloud in the sky that looked "suspicious".
January 10, 2013
I'm standing on the street talking to a complete stranger. He said he had seen me around, thought I looked like an interesting chap and decided we should stop and talk when the opportunity next presented itself, which was apparently now. We chatted about this and that and soon discovered a growing dislike for one another. His hobbies and interests appalled me and my opinions turned him right off. It got awkward, then weird, then we went our separate ways. Um, that ever happen to you?
January 11, 2013
The fire department was called to try and get the kitty off the roof but while they were busy deploying their equipment the kitty climbed down and intermingled with its would be rescuers as if flattered that such a fuss was being made on its behalf. None of the fireman realized it was the cat they were there to rescue so by the time they got their ladders up and sent someone to the roof only to report that the cat was gone, did anyone make the connection that the kitty on the ground was the kitty from the roof. Meanwhile, a house burned down on Kettinger Street.
January 12, 2013
I have found that if you get up at 3 in the morning, by the time 8AM rolls around you have accomplished so many things that the rest of your day can't help but be a roaring success. The only problem with this strategy is the fact that you feel like going to bed at 8:30 in the evening which puts a serious crimp on all night time activities requiring consciousness.
January 13, 2013
Look someone in the eyes and you can tell oodles about them. Eyes will reveal a person's innocence or lack thereof; they will show evasiveness, unease, lies and torment; the straightforward glare will display anger, fear, control or defense; the eyes narrowing into slits show uncertainty, doubt, disbelief, incredulity; and the near comical peepers flying wide open in shock or surprise - always good for a laugh. The eyes, if observed, will often say more about a person than the words that come out of their mouths. Will too.
January 14, 2013
If you're grumpy and you know it make a scowl
If you're grumpy and you know it show us now
If you're grumpy and you show it
Then we all will surely know it
If you're grumpy and you know it make a scowl.
January 15, 2013
You know what's hard about being contented? Being contented. Contentedness is a state. Staying in that state is the trick. Not allowing yourself to feel guilty or unworthy of said contentment; not allowing yourself to sabotage it by talking yourself out of it or listening to the malcontentedness of others and sympathizing in kind. There are challenges to contentment. I'm just sayin'...
January 16, 2013
Passed a kid walking the mall wearing a sign around his neck that said, 'I have sinned against God and public humiliation is my penance.' I stopped him.
-- What did you do?
He stared at me.
-- What was your sin?
-- I touched myself.
-- Who said that's a sin?
-- My mother.
-- Son, life is subjective. That means you're the only one living your life. Don't let someone else stop you from exploring it.
-- But my mother says-
-- Son, it's your life. What do you say?
January 17, 2013
Was sent a picture by an acquaintance in Norway. It was him and his family in their newly built sauna. Let's see, there's him and his wife, her mother, and their 28 year old bombshell daughter. Her name is Marta. She looks all sweaty. It's my new screen saver.
January 18, 2013
Watched a video of a sports coach exhorting his players on with hokey platitudes - Now boys, I'm gonna pelt you with some useless drivel disguised as profundity and it's gonna rouse you! If you're a professional athlete losing a sporting contest, having an insipid coach shout insipid platitudes is not inspiring. It wouldn't surprise me one little bit to find that the guy who invented platitudes also invented puns. What an annoying little jerk he must have been.
January 19, 2013
 Roommates wanted. Space for 8. Soothing colors abound in this spacious, well lit, airy roost. No night fliers, aerial acrobatics, incessant chirpers or pets. Rent is one seed or worm per day, payable in advance. Ask for Rory.
January 20, 2013
I'm eating cookies for breakfast. They are yummy and I'm having even more than I should because they're so darned delicious. I feel especially good about my choices this morning. I wonder why I don't have cookies every morning. But then I remember. I don't like to plan things out, I've been asked, Keith, do you have a spontaneous genius for living in the moment? So perceptive! Why yes, yes I do. Tomorrow I might just want cold pizza for breakfast. Ummmm, cold pizza. You know? Did that make sense?
January 21, 2013
It never would have worked. Not the way it was set up. Not with the people involved. But there was blind optimism and rah rah enthusiasm and a refusal to acknowledge all the things that weren't quite right. When it failed, it didn't come as a surprise, just a realization of what was intuitively known all along: It never would have worked. Not the way it was set up. Not with the people involved.
January 22, 2013
Was out of town yesterday and accidentally hit 5 o'clock traffic on our way home. I had completely forgotten what a pain in the ass it is to be in a mad rush to get out of the city with everybody else. As one would surmise, there were pockets of movement, then dead stops for no apparent reason, and when a little open road appeared, cars screamed past at 50 km over the speed limit. When you live in a town of 15,000, rush hour traffic is something bad that happens to other people. Now I was one of them. Oh cruel fate.
January 23, 2013
A buddy says to me, I wish I had one of those Monopoly Get Out Of Jail Free cards. How come? Because my trial is in two days and I think I'm going to jail. Ah.
January 24, 2013
The way of the world.
Ronald is reading How To Pick Up Older Women.
Don's book is What Women Purport To Want - Warning, It May Be A Trap!
Jimmy is perusing Women Have All The Control, Get Used To It Punk
while Howie is gazing at the dreamy pictures in Beautiful Women You'll Never Have.
Only Mickey is engaging in real life provocative sexual banter with the prim yet fetchingly busty Miss Cavendish, a career librarian responding favorably well to Mickey's attentions and lewd suggestions.
January 25, 2013
My wife is going out of town. Can you hear the drums? Suddenly I'm receiving calls from all my mates. In a blink, my schedule is full. Full of beer and cards and sports and beer and other manly entertainments of that sort. I'm sure I will miss my wife. Will too.
January 26, 2013
If you're dissatisfied with your life, what are you going to do about it?
January 27, 2013
A man in his mid 70s goes into an animal shelter and requests to adopt the oldest dog they have. He says he wants a dog that nobody wants and he will give it the love and dignity it deserves as it lives out the rest of its life. He said that if he outlives that dog, he will come back to the shelter to adopt the next oldest dog. The old man died at age 94, just hours after the death of the eleventh dog he adopted and loved with all his heart.
January 28, 2013
You know what's lost its charm for me? Tech. That which once so excited, now doesn't, sort of like that hot babysitter you fantasized about until you accidentally run into her some 30 years later at a Home Depot and she looks like just an average mom aging badly and you feel kind of let down because you know that that thrill is now forever gone. But heck, change is good. It makes me wonder in what new direction my influence shall be felt. Stand back!
January 29, 2013
Awk-ward! When Julie introduced her new boyfriend to her parents, her father went crazy and threatened to squeeze the juice out of him. Her mom just cried because of the fattening calories of the pineapple versus say, a slimming grapefruit. But Julie didn't care. She was into that fruit.
January 30, 2013
You know how your blood boils and your head nearly explodes from the exasperation of someone not doing something the way you'd do it? Ok, this is why that is. The reason they're not doing it your way, is they're not you. And don't forget, you are the best at doing it your way, the master, so that's like strike two already. It's best to let them make their own mistakes and then at some point, when you can't stand it anymore and your blood boils and your head nearly explodes, come down on them like a ton of bricks...wait a minute, that's where we started. Huh. Never mind.
Being petty is such a sucky trait. There's always that one person too, the narrow minded pinhead who contributes nothing but dominates via a spectacular display of inessential importance. What if there were a law against pettiness? Act petty, get thrown in jail. Meet cellmates Tiny and Horst. Get over your pettiness super fast. Become a better citizen because of it. Rehabilitation that really works. Now that's a win win. I should write to somebody.
January 31, 2013
I was thinking the other day about how there are too many rules. You can't do this, you mustn't do that, obey, be like everybody else, conform citizen, conform. They say this overburdening of rules is because society would be a mess without them. Pshaw, society is a mess anyway. So from now on, I'm living by my own rules. Feel the freedom! Come on, who's with me?!

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KeithSpeak                                    February 2013



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