Header Graphic
KeithSpeak- February 2012




February 1, 2012
It's the start of a new month and I am feeling melancholy. For whatever reason, it feels like change is likely. I'm not against this sort of thing, I can deal with shake ups, it just feels...wistful, like I'm witnessing the last of something.
February 2, 2012
Usually you hear, Oh what an adorable baby! or, Look at that precious bundle of joy! It's the rare occasion when you hear someone say, Smug little bastard, isn't he.
February 3, 2012
If Google ever went out of business, how hooped would you be? If you use Chrome, have you ever saved your bookmarks in a separate file? Have you got a copy of your Google Calendar stashed somewhere? Your Gmail contacts? Your Doc files? Have you backed up the apps and files from your Android phone? And if you use any of their other myriad services and haven't bothered to back up from them, there's no way in hell you wouldn't be sorry if they went out of business and took all your stuff with 'em. But this post isn't a call for backups, even though it is, it's to say that Google is one of the smashing good things about the Internet. Is too.
February 4, 2012
A friend who lives in a big city called me last night and said that he was outside his apartment building and found himself wondering how many people in there were alone and lonely. Probably a lot, I ventured. Every window has a light, he mused, but how many are up there alone, watching their TVs, eating by themselves, wishing they weren't alone? This city has millions of people, every day the streets are full, the busses are full, yet no one is interacting with anyone else. How is it possible to be so alone in such a crowded place? Reading between the lines I said, Hey, why don't you come up here and visit us this weekend? He thought that sounded like a great idea. I wasn't surprised.
February 5, 2012
Somebody I considered pretty much a scumbag confirmed my thoughts when he got into a position of power and abused it. Electing a chump to public office says more about the electorate than it does the chump. Either way, you've giving a scumbag power. Good luck with that one.
February 6, 2012
I am here to serve. I wait patiently and when finally called upon, will perform flawlessly. I make your life easier, faster and fun. I am nimble, simple and reliable. I will work with you if you're tired; I will answer the call if you want to race. We will see many sights together. I will deliver you at good speed to your destination. Though not flashy, my gears are rock solid and my wheels are true. After riding me, you will feel good about yourself, may even thank me for the experience, and then once again I will wait patiently until called upon.
February 7, 2012
Why live your life in fear? Why speculate on the worst that can happen, plan for the worst that can happen, and then hope and pray that the worst doesn't happen? Why not wish yourself well in everything you do? Why not imagine the best and plan for the best? Why not love what you do instead of fearing the worst? Fear has as much power as you give it. So does wishing the best for yourself.
February 8, 2012
Given the angry red, the bullet bra bumper, the grill o' teeth, the stern looking headlight eyes, this Caddy is saying it's not a patient car. You do not want to see this beast in your rear view mirror. It's horn plays, 'Move Over Or Die' by the Electric Light Orchestra. It's two tons of metal and menace. It's an homage to when Detroit was itself a monster.
February 9, 2012
If you think you're going to get spiritual awakening from attending a church every Sunday, how come it hasn't happened in all the years you've been going? Have you reached Nirvana, had direct contact with a higher being or evolved spiritually since you started? No? Then why do you keep going? Sounds like snake oil to me.
February 10, 2012
He was simply known as Quarterface. You could never read the guy's intention. His friends always felt like he was just leaving. No group photo with him in it has ever come out looking right. He was a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pair of glasses for an eye no one was sure he even had. The Peggy Lee song, 'Is That All There Is?', is about him.
February 11, 2012
Misty X and Gena De La Pre were just getting to the good parts when my finely tuned anti-Gloria radar went off and I suddenly had the awful feeling that she was near and so tore myself away from the porn I was watching to run to the front window plastering my face against the glass and straining to look down forty-one floors to the street below where I saw her SLS-Class Mercedes hogging two handicapped spaces and knew immediately that she was on her way up here to serve me with papers I didn't want about a lawsuit I didn't need so in just my t-shirt and socks ran into the hallway pushing my sofa across the carpet and up to the elevator doors where I hoped it would jam them from opening at best or trip her up at the least, but neither happened as she lunged out of the lift with a leap worthy of Spud Webb in a miniskirt and Ferragamos, clearing the couch easily and landing just in front of my startled face where she steadied herself by ripping the shirt off my back, slamming a wad of divorce papers into my hand, turning around, and shoving my couch into the elevator, saying, "I'm taking this and you to the cleaners, have a nice life, you make me sick, put on some pants, you're pathetic, my mother was right."
February 13, 2012
My friend describes his new girlfriend as a real 'cutesy pie'. I wince. Isn't that kind of fourth grader-ish? I ask him. He goes overboard and says that his new girlfriend is the definition of a cutesy pie and no other description will do. I throw up. He says, Fine, let's go see her. We drive to her house. He introduces me. Miss cutesy pie is anything but. It's like my friend is trying to pass off a velvet painting as high art. She is a 5 at best. But then, so is my friend. Does one find attractiveness relative to one's own looks and limitations? In his eyes is she a cute 8? This he confirms after we leave her house by exuberantly declaring, See, I told you so!
February 14, 2012
I'd never met anyone named Boris until yesterday. I was introduced to Boris by my friend, Jocko. Boris said he'd never met a Keith or a Jocko. Jocko said he knew another Boris but that guy had shortened it from Borislav and did that count? Boris asked Jocko how he came by that name and Jocko shrugged, even though he knew perfectly well it was a less than flattering derivative of his father's name, Jock, an Australian rugby player who at the birth of his son thought he was rather underwhelming, somewhat effeminate looking and didn't deserve the weight of his manly moniker, adding the 'O' to show his displeasure at the lack of his progeny's virility and likelihood of going on to play rugby. Boris then asked me what Keith meant and I told him it means warrior in Scotland, wood in Ireland, and I wasn't sure what they thought of it in Wales. Boris was besides himself! He spat out that Boris means warrior in Slovakia! So Boris and I were warriors and Jocko was a girly man. For some, it's a cruel world.
February 15, 2012
One of my favorite Tucker, Sophie and Maddie pics.
February 16, 2012
If you take responsibility for your own actions, dreams, hopes and desires and accept the righteous fact that you are the sole arbiter of your own life, then it doesn't matter what the ignorant, greedy and abusive fools in Washington and Ottawa bluster on about. Who is more important, you or them?
February 17, 2012
Overheard in the grocery store line:
-- I think they should cancel the London Olympics.
-- Why?
-- Because the world is going to end in 2012. Why are we celebrating sports when we're all gonna die?
-- What are you talking about?
-- The Navajo calendar, man. It ends in 2012. It says that everybody dies.
-- Maybe they just mean all the Navajos die?
-- Forget that, dude, they been dead for like 10,000 years.
-- Then how do they know when our world is going to end when they didn't even know when their own world was going to end? That's ass backwards.
-- Yeah, well I still think we should cancel the Olympics, just in case.
-- I guess that makes sense.
-- I think so.
February 18, 2012
We got a thick, heavy snowfall last night. I was down at the barn getting the tractor ready when I looked up and saw a fox crossing the field, and having the darndest time doing it. The height of the snow was well over the fox's belly but the density of the white stuff made it very difficult for the little fellow to push his way through it. Instead of just footprints left behind, there was an actual groove made by his chest. His gait got slower and slower as he plowed his way through the untracked field. When he finally reached the woods he stopped and caught his breath. You don't usually see winded animals who have not been chased but this fox was clearly bushed. Ah, the rural life.
February 19, 2012
Oh look how dramatic I am! My spit curl oozes drama. My chin cleft is drama personified. I am wearing peasant clothes for sheer dramatic effect. See my hands placed so dramatically? My eyes so dramatically intense? Drama is my life. No one does drama like I do drama. I am drama. Screw that poseur from Entourage.
February 20, 2012
Got a bill for something we didn't order. I called the company and they apologized, said it was a mistake and they would take care of it. A week later a courier delivers a box I never ordered from the same company. I called them back and told them I didn't order the item, I wasn't going to pay for it and I wasn't going to bother to send it back either. They said no problem, keep it, it was their mistake, sorry. I started to use the item. It broke straight away. I called the company to tell them that the item I never paid for broke after the first use and I thought they might want to know. Miraculously, they apologized and said they would send a replacement out right away. Three days later, the unordered, unpaid for item arrives. I can't figure this out - is this just a mismanaged, incompetent company or a shrewd one striving for awesome customer service at any cost?
February 22, 2012
This crop of presidential candidates, including the incumbent, have the whiff of the weak about them. They are so afraid of homosexuality and marijuana, citizens rights and an unfettered Internet that they can't even address these issues, choosing instead to cheerlead tax breaks for the rich, bombs, new wars, and religion. Utterly useless twaddle.
February 23, 2012
So this guy was telling me that the Dec. 21, 2012 date signifies the day the Earth will be taken over by an alien race and we will all become Doctor Who Cybermen.
"First, they will surround the planet with a hundred thousand spaceships and process the human race into cyborgs so we can work in their off-planet mines and nuclear plants and stuff. We will be slaves to an alien overlord. The Mayans knew what was coming. The Incans saw the future. We're the only ones who don't have a clue."
But in Doctor Who, the human race defeats the Cybermen.
"You're talking about a TV show!" he scoffs. "I'm talking about reality!"
Yesssss, reality...
February 24, 2012
The hour had arrived. The wife of an acquaintance was about to leave for a trip to Vegas. With a twinkle in her eye she said she might just get wild and if her husband wanted to stop her, now was the time. He just grinned and wished her well. After she left I said something like, That was big of you. Hardly, he returned. He proceeded to tell me that he has been wanting a divorce but she wouldn't assent to one so he made it look like she won a trip to Vegas where he has already hired an escort to seduce her and take incriminating pictures so he can finally use them to accuse her of adultery and marry his secretary. Oh, I said.
February 25, 2012
Good wife.
February 26, 2012
I tuned into the NFL Combine and watched these linemen bench pressing 225 pounds 40+ times. That's not natural. I'm just sayin'...
February 27, 2012
If an alien in a spaceship were flying over the planet Earth, how would they learn about humanity? I assume, the same way we do, the TV. And what would they see? Mindless and idiotic television programming, our obsession with celebrity culture, our endless wars with each other and our great mistrust of others not like us. They would see boobs running nations, populations unable to think for themselves and a massive lack of responsibility for the care and balance of our planet. No wonder we haven't had the alien encounter we desire. Who would want to make contact with that? And you know the worst part? They wouldn't see the best of humanity: love, peace and understanding.
February 28, 2012
February 29, 2012
I have a friend who called and lamented that his wife had taken up stripping. It started in her pole dancing exercise class when they had a field trip to a strip club. My friend's wife danced, got naked and was offered a job at the club. He says he wants her to quit but not until next week. Her parents, hard core religicos who don't like him and have never hidden their displeasure about that, will be visiting from Iowa. He has decided to take them to their daughter's workplace for a big old fashioned family shockorama. I'm gonna film it and put it on YouTube, he finished. Yeesh, I thought to myself, That's the spirit, I said to him.


 Return to KeithSpeak or go forward to next month

KeithSpeak                                      March 2012 


Keith Ryan Publishing


Privacy policy

Copyright © 2024 keithryan.com
All Rights Reserved.