"If what you say is true, then I no longer have to pretend I'm a woman!" - Sam Petrie
"Badgers is the worst, no wait, weasels, stoats, them are the, no, wolverines are pretty nasty, then there's your feral cats and snakes in the grass... still, only thing I ever had to kill was that pimp in Memphis." - Bobby Rae Pickens
"I bet our life savings on double 0 and lost it all. Dumb stupid craps, stupid craps." - Todd Maychek
"There are few things in life more grateful than parents being told their 15 year old daughter is not pregnant." - Sadie and Henry Peach
"If you marry an imbecile, are you not an imbecile?" - Lucy Boffen Campbell
"Of course, I was suspicious. The kitchen smelled like fish - but we live 2,000 miles from the ocean!" - Sean Rubic
"I never laughed so hard in my life. The string of snot that followed appalled our hosts." - Maximilian Fontaine
"I love watching porn with my cat, Felix. He especially likes BDSM." - Tish Kaufman
"I'm sure this is the way. Has to be. It's so dark and eerie. You doin' ok there, Leon? Leon? Leon! LEEEE-ONNNNN!" - Tremaine Golden
"Stop talking with your mouth full! Swallow, you bastard! God damn!" - Miranda Mervy
"I can't leave him. He needs me." - Carla Funderberg, Ginny Cauthorn, countless others
December 2, 2021
I've known my wife for over 45 years and in our time together we have had three sets of dogs. When we met, I was with the love of my life, a beautiful, brilliant Alaskan Malamute and my future wife had a wonderful, gentle, very big Golden Retriever. Later on, we had two more Malamutes, a male and female, finally followed by the dogs in the pic at the top of this page, three more Malamutes, two sisters and a giant male. Obviously, we are dog people. At some point, I assume there will be a fourth set of big dogs, where once again our house will be filled with the sound of bulls in a china shop. I can't wait.
December 3, 2021
STUPID QUESTIONS FROM STUPID PEOPLE
"How come every time I turn on my TV there's a different show on?"
"What time is JFK Jr.'s flight to Dallas coming in?"
"If the devil isn't real, how come he's made me do all the awful things I've done?"
"Don't you think that Carrot Top is the funniest comedian working today?"
"The Earth is flat, right?"
"Would I get the vaccine if it didn't have tracking devices in it?"
"With Daylight Savings Time, if I leap forward, how do I ever get back?"
"When it says the plane departs at a certain time, does that mean they have to take parts off the plane, you know, for scheduled maintenance?"
"If Santa isn't real, how come he's everywhere at Christmas time?"
"I married you for your money - and it turns out you don't have any - what am I supposed to do now?"
This is what happens. You get older, your body goes to pot and you both start to contemplate how you ended up where you are.
December 6, 2021
a cat in the lap
the lap in a chair
the chair on the floor
the floor above a crawl space
a crawl space comprised of dirt
dirt that is the Earth
a planet that sustains all of the above
ipso facto, dirt is responsible for everything
the lap, the cat, all of it
December 7, 2021
In this life, we all have one Get Out Of Jail Free card and it's called suicide. We know that no matter how bad things get, every single one of us has an out. It is an option. It is a comfort. It is a fabulous gift, whether used or not.
December 8, 2021
His passion was the drums and he had been playing them since he was 7. He joined his first band at 13, turned professional at 17. Somewhere in his mid 20s he started to lose his hearing. By the time he was 34, he was virtually deaf. He thought he would have to quit drumming until he discovered that Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is almost deaf and still playing. Spurred on by that, he joined several more bands but was eventually released from all of them because he couldn't keep time or stop playing when the song was over. He had arthritis in both hands and was in need of wrist surgery. No longer able to do what he loved, with no way to support himself and cut off from everything that brought him passion, he contemplated his Get Out Of Jail Free card, as one would do.
December 11, 2021
She set up her card table on a busy street offering a game of chance to passerby's. She is confident, luminous and captivating. Arrested by her splendour, you stop. You put your money down. You guess the number 7 but she says the number was really 9 and too bad but thank you for playing. You didn't even know what the game was, didn't care, the only thing that motivated you was her. But she was already onto the next player, bending him to her will, acquiescing to her wishes, willingly losing his money, just like you. You've just been had but you don't care. Now that's a neat trick.
December 13, 2021
Overheard two customers at the pharmacy.
-- I refused the vaccine because who knows what's in that stuff.
-- That's your choice. But what about your kids?
-- If I ain't gettin' it, they ain't neither.
-- But you could die from COVID.
-- At least that's natural. I wouldn't be dying from some man-made concoction with god knows what's in it.
-- No one's died from the vaccine. You're making that up.
-- Yeah, well.
-- Yeah, well, we're in a pharmacy and you don't know what's in anything in this entire store. From cough syrup to pain relievers to prescription drugs, you take all of it without knowing what's in any of it. So your anti-vax crap is just that, a load of crap.
-- Who made you the vaccine police?
-- Who made you so gullible?
-- Yeah, well, at least my death would be honourable.
-- You kidding me?
-- Listen, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
-- The only thing you've said that makes sense.
December 14, 2021
People who abuse animals should be beheaded. If that's too inconvenient or tragic, then at the very least they should be buried alive. Just imagine, executioners and grave diggers ridding the world of abusers while at the same time providing local jobs. That, my friends, is a win-win.
December 15, 2021
There's only 5.5 billion more years until the sun burns out. Are you prepared? Have you done anything to get ready? You can't just think of yourselves and the fact that you won't be here, no, instead you need to think about your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
You know how your boss is always telling you to work harder? Isn't working harder just a euphemism for working longer? You should be working smarter. That means that when your boss asks you to work harder, you just nod and keep on doing whatever it is you're doing. See? Smart.
December 19, 2021
It was -6 and he was down at the bird sanctuary on the lake playing his guitar and singing. When someone asked why he was out in minus zero weather busking, he said that he was playing for the birds not the people. He said that winter is hard. Food is scarce. It's cold, there's snow everywhere and he thought that perhaps the birds might enjoy a diversion. He played for 45 minutes until his fingers got too cold. Whether it was avianly appreciated or not was up to debate.
December 20, 2021
Is it just my imagination or is the world going to hell in a handbasket?
December 21, 2021
I have come to the conclusion that there are too many people in the world making up their own minds. I know! What if, after you make a bunch of poor choices and bad decisions you no longer have access to free thought, let alone personal opinions and the ability to vote. Would this not be a splendid system to get rid of people who are deplorable, useless and in my way? Come on, who's with me!
December 23, 2021
Overheard two guys at a pub.
-- I hate Christmas. My wife spends all this money on gifts for other people which means I have less to spend on beer and pot for a whole month.
-- Yeah, but you're getting presents too.
-- Yeah, socks and shit. No one gives me beer or pot to replace what I have to sacrifice for Christmas.
-- Life is unfair.
-- You got that right.
-- So, did you get me anything?
-- Yeah, I'll get the next round. Merry fucking Christmas.
December 24, 2021
A friend who had been keeping the evidence of my correspondence with him for the last 4 decades is sending on to me all the letters and screenplays and other ephemera I've sent him over the years. I will get to see stuff I wrote 40 years ago. That should be fun.
December 25, 2021
BAD MOVIE DIALOGUE
I do believe that Christmas is my most favourite holiday!
Oh Clay, I do love a good dead tree in my living room.
And the presents! We get so many presents!
Why, you're like a child with your Christmas exuberance.
And so I am! Goo goo ga ga.
I so love your childlike innocence.
Mummy, can I have some more?
Mummy, widdle baby has to go wee wee.
Ok, Clay, that's enough.
(makes baby gurgling sounds)
Knock it off, Clay! You just never know when to quit, do you?
Aw, is Mummy mad at baby Cray?
You're ruining Christmas! What a prick!
Baby wants chocolate milk! Please, Mummy!
Keep it up Clayborn and soon, baby will die, right here,
on Christmas Day, by my hand, right under this tree,
a grisly baby death, a crime of passion, I'm serious,
knock it off, don't try me, don't try me, not today.
You're a Scrooge Mummy!
Jesus H. Christ.
December 27, 2021
Brrrr, it's currently -27 and I am supposed to go out and plow. It takes 3 hours to plow our driveway and environs and I just don't want to be out in -27 degrees for 3 hours. Call me selfish, call me fickle, call me when the weather warms.
December 29, 2021
I really feel for these winter songbirds. It's currently -23 and there is no respite from the cold. I have a heated bird bath full of water that is changed daily, I have a 4 perch peanut butter feeder that is always kept full, a suet feeder and a large 12 perch tube feeder full of black oil sunflower seeds that are replenished daily. So the birds are alive, but anthropomorphically speaking, they look miserable.
December 31, 2021
You hear it all the time:
Save your money
Save your soul
Sure, but what about spending some of that capital? How come no one ever says shit about that?