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KeithSpeak- December 2008



December 1, 2008

As the last month of 2008 moves us that much closer to the final end of the Bush moron nightmare, we here at Keith Ryan Publishing give a hearty welcome to December, that harbinger of change so promised in the new year to come.

December 2, 2008

This morning, I found a small piece of pepperoni sticking out between the E and D keys. Lessee, I last ate pizza at the computer a week ago. Ew. Worse, I have typed on this keyboard every day since and never noticed it before this morning – and it’s red! Ew.

December 3, 2008

Billy’s desk was back in the corner by the ventilation shaft in an unused storage room in the basement of the building. He was never sure if that was intentional, and he sure didn’t plan to find out what with the bad economy and Billy being too mild mannered and afraid to ask for a full sized cubicle where he could stand up without hitting his head or impaling his back on the pins he used to stick up his pencil drawings and inspirational sayings in his attempt to make the ventilation shaft, ”more like a regular wall and less like a ventilation shaft”, lest he be seen as an ungrateful, basement dwelling troublemaker and they fire him. That’s what it had come down to for Billy. Take the shaft, or get fired.


December 4, 2008

I was just thinking about the future friends I’m going to make but haven’t yet met. I know that there are some really close people out there that I will meet and become fast friends with, sooner or later, as I live out my life. So I was just thinking about them, even though I don’t know who they are, when we’ll meet, or anything else other than the fact that it will happen.


December 5, 2008


Tuck wants to go out and pee in the middle of the night, so he gets me up, we walk to the front door and I open it to a world of falling snow. Cold, silent and beautiful, Tuck takes one look at it and turns around to go back to bed. What? A malamute not excited by fresh snow? I must be dreaming. Plus, how can you get up in the middle of the night to pee, not do it, and then go back to sleep? Hell, I had to pee just thinking about it. Mystifying, it was.


December 6, 2008

We’re beta testing the latest computer going. It’s the brand new, ultra sexy, Retro. Looks like a big brain, huh? We assigned our fastest typist, Jerry, to spend days and nights feeding all of our company information into her. Soon we’ll see what she spits out. By the way, Jerry says she types like a breeze. Jerry says old is cool again.


December 7, 2008

I met someone who was not quite, I dunno, right. Small but noticeable things were a little off kilter. He just missed, you know. It was like he needed Service Pack 1 to be installed. The more I talked to him the more I was convinced he was an alien trying to pass as a human. Kenneth, what is the frequency. Interesting, no? 


December 8, 2008

I just got the call. The Retro has finished her number crunching and Jerry informs me the final number is 112.345. I couldn’t believe it! I asked him to repeat it. 112.345. Isn't that bloody marvelous! Don’t we feel good! Thank you, Retro!


December 9, 2008

Ok, here is a tip: Make use of everything you have.


December 10, 2008

Alvin was known to his friends as the Guru of Getdown. Here he is showing off his robot moves.

Alvin had a certain coordination when entering the ocean, always leading with his right arm first.

Alvin found that if he held himself in just this position,

a fish would jump right into his fist.

It was a good trick and made Alvin a popular boy at the beach.


December 12, 2008

So this guy comes up to me and says, Are you so and so? I am, I say. He tells me that we have a mutual friend in common and introduces himself. We have a small chat about the mutual friend wherein this guy pretty much trashes him, huh?, then we go our separate ways. A day later the mutual friend calls me and says that the chap I met is in essence, a bad seed. A bad bad seed, he infers, or words to that effect. Okaaaay, pretty clear these guys aren’t feeling the love, but um, how come I’m involved? 


December 14, 2008

Oh my god, the Retro is evil! Look at what we found this morning!

Of course, we immediately sent it back. This is the worst beta test ever!

December 15, 2008

Today I’m giving a shout out to the Earth. This is a truly awesome planet, what with its atmosphere, water, resources and scenery. It has the human tolerable extremes of Antarctica and the equator, vast expanses of human friendly terra firma in between massive oceans of unexplored bounty, and just so happens to be the right distance from the all mighty Sun to benefit from its warmth, light and electricity. Is there a better planet for humans anywhere? This is the perfect home for us, why don’t we revere the Earth?

December 16, 2008

-25 this morning, gray with a steady blowing wind. Nasty stuff if you have to live outdoors. Joy, I guess, if it’s optional: our dogs all have beds in the house, but 2 of the 3 prefer to sleep outside. At 25 below. On purpose! Can you imagine? 

December 17, 2008

No one had to tell Emma about rapture, it flowed out of her every time she put on Barry Manilow. 

December 18, 2008

We go down to the grocery store and come home with food. Wild animals have to catch it, kill it, strip it’s fur or feathers, and then eat it raw in the snow in sub zero temperatures while fending off others who want it too. And then try and do the same thing tomorrow. And the next day and every day of its life that it wants to stay alive – oh, and avoid being caught, killed and stripped by something bigger, faster, or meaner. Yikes. You know, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe the grocery store is one of mankind’s greatest inventions? Fire. The grocery store. What do you think?


December 19, 2008

Don’t be shocked by this (elevate your feet), but Science is dead wrong, and is actually 180 degrees away from the truth it always purports to search for. The holy tenet of Science is objectivity. Proof from a distance. But life is subjective. You experience it. The science of personal subjectivity – the mind, its thoughts, consciousness, that’s the real Science. All the rest is an illusion built upon the horror of vivisection and disregard for other life forms just as valid and significant as ours. The source and scientific truth of our world and its existence, indeed everything about us, is something from inside us, not outside. Is too.


December 20, 2008

We’re getting ready for the semi-annual Keith Ryan Publishing Winter Solstice Fun Fest. I’m telling you, we scored big time too! For this year’s Longest Night of the Year party we’ve spared no expense in hiring the doubly talented - Turner Twins! 

Here at the company, the excitement was palpable when I made that announcement. Ok, I’m off to buy beer. Happy Longest Night of the Year to you and your loved ones! Ta.


December 21, 2008

What a fiasco. It was -31 at precisely midnight when an inebriated Gina from Shipping announced her intentions to “honor all the druids who came before me” by shedding her clothes and heading to the lake for a polar bear swim, pretty much followed by every employee of the company, none of them giving a thought to the hypothermia that would soon beset them all and send our entire staff to the hospital (in 35 separate ambulance trips; seen here, no. 17 with Carlos, our Print Manager).

This night was a perfect example of why the Winter Solstice Fun Fest has now become a semi-annual bi-annual semi-perennial maybe-never-again event in Leap Years only, well that and because of all the other spectacular malfunctions in previous years. Sigh. Hey, have you noticed that our company shindigs always seem to elicit mayhem? I sure have.


December 22, 2008

I’ll tell you right now, I don’t see anything wrong with being confident. Confidence is self-reliance, and that is a fabulous tool to possess in life. It ought to be fostered. It ought to be taught in school. I should write a letter to the person in charge. 


December 23, 2008

Twice a day, Susan and I go up in our field and snowshoe with our dogs. We have 3 malamutes who adore Winter. We have 37.5 acres of forest and field with fresh powder snow and drop dead scenery. We don’t even have to get in a car and drive to it. We’re already here, at home. Sometimes I have to pinch myself.


December 24, 2008


December 25, 2008

Some weird database voodoo happening on the site. Some pictures may fail to load. Others things may or may not happen. It’s precarious at the moment. Merry Christmas. 

December 26, 2008

I turn down an aisle in the grocery store to find a woman wearing a tiara and a feather boa. She has on jeans, a down coat, big winter snowmobile boots, a red feather boa and a tiara. I say, My, don’t you look festive. She replies that she is a queen, mingling with the people, don’t blow her cover, mums the word, by the way, did I know what aisle the Pop Tarts are in? Cute, huh?

December 27, 2008

A friend came over to spread some holiday cheer. We drank some beer and talked some talk and then at one point, on his way to the fridge to refresh our refreshments, he looks out the window and says something like Holy crap, Batman!, because he sees that it’s snowed about a foot since he’s been here, and realizes there’s no way he can get his car up our driveway from a dead stop through a foot of snow. Now I know that our 4 wheel drive tractor and a tow chain can accomplish that, but I also know that our little dirt road is considered a tertiary arterial, meaning the plow will come through maybe tomorrow, but for now there will be a foot of untracked snow, so getting out our driveway is only the beginning of his travel travails... He called me when he finally made it home to tell me that cars were strewn all over the road, and it took him twice as long as normal, but he did make it. I congratulated him on his excellent Christmas driving skills. He said he wished Jesus would have been born in June. Friends in peril with a happy ending, now that's a merry Christmas.

December 28, 2008

Our yard looks like Cirque du Soleil, what with all the squirrels jumping from tree to tree and leaping object to object instead of using the ground to get around, which they can’t because of the foot of snow. I could video these flying squirrels, put it in slow motion, add music and upload to YouTube. Then I could watch it go viral, score 20 million hits and get on Good Morning, America. Or I could just sit here and enjoy it.

December 29, 2008

                                  Awkward Moments


-- Those sure are some handsome, young boys you have there, Father.

-- Yes, these are my protégés.

-- And three big strapping lads they are.

-- Mmmmmm, yes.

-- And those outfits-

-- Thank you, I designed them myself. They’re alike but different – just like each boy.

-- Uh huh.

-- And I love the hot pants look, don’t you?

-- Who doesn’t, Father! Well, this is so great.

-- Yesss, it is.

-- Ok, then.

December 30, 2008

This was spooky. You know how when you boot your computer most of the start up programs load in the same order every time; the system tray icons are pretty much in the same order on every boot up? Well, today, for the first time ever, these resident programs opened and loaded in a completely different order. All 12 icons are there, but they have been totally rearranged. I’m thinkin’, maybe the ghost in the machine is trying to tell me something? It lives! Who knows? You think? 

December 31, 2008

I have an old college friend whose life didn’t turn out like he expected; I have another college friend whose life didn’t turn out like we expected; and then there’s me, just riding in the slow lane with the top down. Expectations? We don’t need no stinkin’ expectations.


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KeithSpeak                                      January 2009


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