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KeithSpeak - August 2016


August 1, 2016
Everybody has been ragging on the Rio Olympics. Not me. In 5 days we all get to watch the finest athletes in the world do what they do for themselves, their country, and us, the rabble, sitting on our couches with our beer and chips watching with mouths full. Corruption, dirty water, crime, unfinished venues - sorry, all just part of the greatest show on earth. 
August 2, 2016
Overheard two women at the pub.
-- See that guy over there?
-- Yeah. He's cute.
-- Ok, you remember my abortion, right?
-- Uh, yeah.
-- Well that's the guy who did it. Don't stare!
-- What do you mean? Is that the doctor who scraped you or the guy who screwed you?
-- That's daddy.  
-- Does he know?
-- No. We only went out a couple of times.  
-- He's cute. Why didn't you guys click?
-- If it weren't so dark in here you could see his wedding ring.
-- Men are pigs.
August 4, 2016
Life on the farm was tough. They were so poor the kids had to grow up in a bucket. And this wasn't one of those fancy farms where each kid had their own bucket, no, underneath baby Tommy is Carl, Pete, Martha and Alonzo. These kids were tough. Farm tough.
August 5, 2016
Ok, so it's time for me to once again inform you that for the next two weeks, during the Rio Olympics, I will be posting here sporadically in order to witness as much of the Brazilian sports spectacular as possible. Of course I'll miss you and think about you lots and I am sure you will do the same with me (hey, I heard that snicker). In two weeks we'll get back together like none of this ever happened. Will too.
August 10, 2016
Well, we're 5 days into the Olympics and I am already tired of the nonstop coverage of beach freakin' volleyball. Every match is repetitious - serve, set, spike, serve, set, spike, serve, set, boooooring. The most exciting sport? Rugby 7s. 15 minute games, 6 games in the morning, 6 more in the afternoon. It's fast, fun, exciting and great entertainment. Both the women and men in this sport are cardio wonders. The Canadian channels have shown nothing of sailing, archery, shooting, dressage, fencing, judo, table tennis, water polo or weightlifting. There are 41 sports in the summer Olympics, but what do we get? Yet another beach volleyball game. Sigh.
August 11, 2016
Clearly the top brass at the CBC were reading KeithSpeak because today, the day after I called them out on it, they started showing more obscure sports. Cynics may cry coincidence, but facts is facts.
August 16, 2016
Only a week left in the Olympics. By what they've shown us on TV, Brazil has done an admirable job of hosting. I have no idea what's going on outside the venues, but within the lines, things are running smoothly. So much for the ballyhooed 'Brazilian disaster'. 
August 18, 2016
I love the way the Canadian broadcasters celebrate the bronze and silver medallists just as much as those who won gold. The US has 94 medals, Canada just 14. It's all still a big deal to us.
August 21, 2016
It's the final day of the Rio Olympics. Like every Olympics before them, Rio has provided drama, excitement, sadness and elation. The Brazilians pulled it off beautifully and provided a gorgeous stage for a host of fabulous experiences all watched from the comfort of my Chesterfield. On that basis alone, I declare these games most excellent.
August 22, 2016
Overheard at a store.
-- Guess where I was last night?
-- Kyle's?
-- Nope.
-- Mark's?
-- Nope.
-- I give up. Where'd you go last night?
-- Come on, guess some more.
-- Dude, you could have gone anywhere. How am I supposed to know?
-- I'll give you a hint. I was with Joel.
-- That guy from Jamaica? The one playing at the Roots and Blues?
-- Yep. Now guess where we were.
-- You're starting to piss me off.
-- Room 218 at the Holiday Inn.
-- You slut!
-- Yep.
August 23, 2016
Saw a late night commercial that started out with a faux psychiatrist sitting at a table smoking an unlit pipe and trying hard not to look like the actor he is portraying a faux psychiatrist smoking a fake pipe when he stops what he's doing (nothing, absolutely nothing) and acts surprised that a camera is there, takes the smokeless pipe out of his mouth, leans toward the lens and says, in a fake German accent no less, "Are you confused? Vell, I have zee answers. All of zhem." He then leans back and smokes the unlit pipe some more before going on to sell a dubious DVD collection of "confusion cures". Somewhere in there he claims not to be a real doctor, but as a  "doctor of life" he discovered the "confusion cures" while travelling (he doesn't say where), and now he is here to sell them to you, the confused masses. But the best part was when he showed a testimonial from "Bambi Barkowitz" who claimed that she had been "super confused" before she discovered the "confusion cures" and now she is, well, cured! It was truly heartwarming. Then I changed the channel.
August 24, 2016
Stop settling for less. It's degrading. Ok?
August 26, 2016
Have a friend who had a tired, lame ass, broke down couch. You couldn't sit on it without getting a sore back. Next time I visited, I noted the couch was way firmer. He lifted the cushion to show 2 pieces of plywood stacked underneath. Problem fixed. Excellent. However, the following visit, the couch was back to its saggy old self. What happened? He took me down the hallway to show the plywood nailed to the wall. It was covering a bunch of holes he punched into the drywall after a fight with his girlfriend. I suddenly knew exactly what I was going to get him for his upcoming birthday - two more pieces of plywood.
August 27, 2016
I'm working away this morning when I look out the window and see two bears in the yard. They are both yearling cubs, siblings, about 250 pounds each. They wander around the yard together sniffing this and that, then climb the fence out and meander over to my wife's office where they diddle around her yard before slowly walking into the woods and disappearing into our acreage. Ah, the rural life.
August 29, 2016
Apropos of nothing, I suddenly thought about a bad date I had with the prettiest girl in high school. Due to my inability to believe that the prettiest girl in high school would have anything to do with me, we had never spoken and I had no idea if she even knew who I was. Weirdly, somehow, I got the nerve to call her up and ask her out to a friend's party, and because she wanted to go to the party, she agreed. Frankly, I was in over my head and predictably, the date turned out badly. And just what am I trying to tell myself by remembering this now?

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