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KeithSpeak - August 2014


August 1, 2014
Oh, this was something modern. A good looking woman was shopping for casual clothing. The salesman was flirting with her and eventually encouraged her to try on a swim suit. When she came out to model it, her shapely figure had a noticeable bulge in the crotch area. The salesman realized that this gorgeous woman was a transsexual. Now here's the modern part. Throwing out a lifetime's worth of convention he continued flirting with her in the hopes that it might go well beyond that.
August 2, 2014
Overheard at the bank.
-- So how's your new place?
-- It's coming along but we've had our share of hiccups.
-- Like what?
-- Well, we're so broke that we can't afford a plumber so James had to install the toilet himself and the damn thing leaks.
-- Your toilet leaks? Isn't that gross?
-- Of course it is! Who wants sewage on their bathroom floor?
-- Ew.
-- You said it.
-- No seriously, are you going to fix it?
-- I don't know. The plumber wants a hundred bucks. James says it's not that bad.
-- Carmen!
-- I dunno, maybe I'm losing perspective.
-- You think?
August 3, 2014
Some crusty old coot, a sour, dour, fundamentally religious, misogynistic, closed minded conservative with a racist bent called me a heathen. I told him that his repulsions and revulsions were his limited baggage, not mine. Bye.
August 4, 2014
I met a set of twins. The guy was classically handsome in that all American Ivy League way, but his sister was quite plain and homely. Naturally, I assumed they were fraternal, but it turns out they're identical. Really? The disparity in their looks was so glaring I thought perhaps the hospital had switched babies at birth or something. As she must witness this reaction from everyone they meet, I wondered if she too ever questioned if the hospital had switched babies at birth. 
August 5, 2014
Blimey, how does a place like this stay in business? Wouldn't you think the public wants fresh fish and chips?
August 6, 2014
Got a phone call at 2 o'clock in the morning from "Debbie". I don't know any Debbies. She assures me that I do and says that I even took her to the prom once. I replied that I have never been to a prom. She says that we dated for "a while". I asked her when that was and she demurred saying that if I can't remember, then I'm kidding myself. I asked "Debbie" where she was calling from. Devon, she replied. I inform her that I have never been to Devon. She assures me I have. I finally tell "Debbie" that I am going to hang up because it's 2 in the morning and I don't know who she is or what she's talking about, goodbye "Debbie" goodbye. She says that I haven't heard the last from her. Ah, but I have, as I institute a block on her caller ID. I went back to bed and "Debbie", I assume, went back to her drinks.
August 7, 2014
I was encouraged to enter a contest but declined. After the winner was announced, the person who had encouraged me to enter told me that I would have won. When I shrugged, he said, "What's the matter with you? Everyone wants to win. It's human nature. I'm beginning to think you're not human." My secret, is it out?
August 8, 2014    
Afterwards, Jordy admitted it was stupid of him to have taken on the bigger, more athletic statue. "He kicked my ass," acknowledged Jordy. "Dude's fists are like iron."  
August 9, 2014
So I'm reading an article by a Dutch sports writer who claims that the hardest trophy to win in all of sports is not the Stanley Cup or the Tour de France or even an Olympic gold medal, but is instead, the "grueling" World Darts Championship. What? Darts, the little pointy things you throw at a cork board? You think his assertion has anything to do with the fact the current World Darts Champion is Dutch? I'm just sayin'...
August 10, 2014
He was as big as they come. He loved the ocean as much as the little people. But there were so many of them. They were always getting in his way, soft and squishy they were when stepped on, their little screams... Oh well! Geronimo!
August 11, 2014
I couldn't tell if I was being chastised or enamored by a 95 year old woman stating, "We didn't have people that looked like you back in my day." What? What's that supposed to mean? Was that a slur? Wait, am I just taking it as a slur? If it is a slur, am I strong enough to brave the brickbats of a 95 year old bigot? Why yes, yes I am. Take that!  But if it was some sort of compliment, well then obviously I wouldn't have said what I've already said. And uh, thanks.
August 12, 2014
Insane dude was making car noises. You know, vroom vroom, tires squealing, pretending to shift through all four gears while making all the appropriate sounds. If he was exhibiting that behavior in his bedroom, or in front of a video game, or in a padded cell, fine, but insane dude was in the middle of 50th Ave with traffic stopped both ways while he 'drove' his pretend car. Every time one of the front cars pushed forward he would 'drive' in front of them, honk his fake horn and wag his finger at the driver. The traffic became impatient and started honking their horns all at once, which effectively drowned out the car noises the dude was making, the cacophony of which was so obnoxious that eventually it drove him off the road. The traffic cleared, giving everyone a story to tell someone else later.
August 14, 2014
Why are so many people so afraid to take responsibility for their own lives? Why do they ascribe all the bad things that happen to them to some outside force not under their control - devils! And when good things happen to them they insist that credit be given to god or luck or Jesus. Why are people so reluctant to give themselves credit for having done what they've done (both good and bad) throughout all the days of their life? Because they did. We all did. Everything that's happened in our lives and everything that will happen is due to conscious effort on our part. You want gods and devils in your life, just believe in gods and devils. You want them to control your life? They surely will. Otherwise, they don't. Can you see how your ideas about your life, are your life?
August 15, 2014
Candy wrote and asked me if I was willing to impregnate her sister Kiki. Aw, that is so sweet. What can I say, I'll have to ask the missus.
August 16, 2014
I pull into a convenience store and there, slumped against the building is a hung over, haggard looking woman dressed in a filthy Batman outfit. She says that she is bushed from a night of crime fighting and asks me if I can go into the store and buy her some coffee and donuts. When I actually return with coffee and donuts she bursts out crying. "No one ever does nothing for Batman," she sobs. "You're the first. You're the first to help Batman. God bless you." I left her there, slumped against the building, knowing our city was safe for another day.
August 17, 2014
People always want to know, how far is too far. Quite frankly, when there's no vacancy at the Loveless Motel, you know you're at the end of the road. Mkay?
August 18, 2014
She said her name was The Baroness, but I found out later she is really Mary Alice Crumholtz from Surrey. She started calling herself The Baroness after her parents divorced. It seems her father always called her Princess Mary Alice but after he moved to Abbotsford with the maid, she threw away the Princess moniker and adopted The Baroness instead. When asked why, she said, The Baroness has decorum, unlike my father.
August 19, 2014
Today I've tried numerous times to write something I was happy with but couldn't seem to produce anything near that so I'm calling it quits right here, right now.
August 20, 2014
Overheard at lunch.
-- Hey Freddie, what's with the new guy?
-- What new guy?
-- The new guy that was just hired to replace that other guy who got fired.
-- What department are you talking about?
-- Accounting. The new guy in Accounting.
-- What about him?
-- He has a mohawk haircut.
-- So.
-- So you ever seen an accountant with a mohawk before? Accountants don't have mohawks, they have pocket protectors. What I wanna know is how the hell did he get hired looking like that?
-- Maybe he's a good accountant?
-- There's a fierceness about that do... He could be dangerous.
-- All because of his haircut.
-- Warriors look like him, Freddie, not like you and me.
August 21, 2014
I'm down at the barn humming some stupid song that got stuck in my head when I think I hear someone cry out. I stop what I'm doing to listen. I couldn't tell if it was human or animal or otherworldly, but whatever it was never made the sound again. I walk outside the barn and around it but see nothing untoward. I find that by the time I resume my task, the stupid song that was stuck in my head is no longer there. You know when they talk about the mysteries of life? This is the kind of thing they're talking about.
August 22, 2014  
After Stanislav moved to America he had trouble assimilating slang. Whenever his new American friends said they were just hangin', Stanislav had no idea what they meant. So he figured he'd better practice, in case his friends ever ask him to do it with them.
August 23, 2014
Everyone has their own opinions. You think this about that. You also have your own beliefs. We believe certain things, each and every one of us. But my beliefs are mine and yours are yours. So we all live in our own personalized, subjective world, built on a foundation of personal beliefs and opinions about what is what and how things should be. But that means everyone's world view is different. That means there are 7 billion different worlds on the planet right now. It's a wonder we agree on anything at all.
August 24, 2014
I was talking to a guy who had hand crafted, elaborate silver rings on every finger of both hands save the thumbs. They looked like a set of cool brass knuckles except in silver. He said that a friend of his made each and every ring. He said they cost him a fortune. And an ex-wife. He said that he feels invincible with them on and when he punches someone in the head repeatedly, they can hurt his hands but it's a good kind of hurt, you know? No, no, I didn't know.
August 25, 2014
Saw a neighbour walking three cats on leashes. It was comical how the cats would walk around her legs and between them, the leashes crossing over each other and wrapping around her so that every ten feet or so she would have to stop the whole procession so she could unwind. Then they'd start out again only to have it repeat itself. Too cute it was.
August 26, 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I have to listen to that certain lame unnamed sportscaster one more time I'm going to reach through my television set and strangle him in front of everybody watching. I don't care.
Where was I.
Violets are blue
I'm serious.
August 27, 2014
This logic professor says that everyone commits crime. You drink underage? A crime. You smoke marijuana? A crime. You steal from your employer? A crime. You marry the wrong person? A criminal sentence. You can't hold a job? You'll eventually turn to crime. The professor says that we are all criminals and we should just erase all laws and let the good intent of man rule. He compared it to driving on the Autobahn. You would settle in at the speed in which you feel most comfortable, regardless of what everyone else around you is doing. Hmm.
August 28, 2014
Everyone at the race agreed that Selwyn was completely underdressed for the punishing 100 mile push-pull quad race from Chittenden to Mallory. The crowd murmured about his fancy white turtleneck, his precious little anklets, the fact that he was wearing Mary Janes! Didn't he see how muddy the road is further down? Many in the crowd questioned his judgement, the laxness of his parents and whether there were any child protective services in Queensland at all.
August 29, 2014
A girl is wearing super tight skinny jeans. Her smartphone, which is in her front pocket, rings. She tries to get it out of her pants but everything is so tight she can't get more than two fingers in the pocket. She futilely tries to clamp onto the phone as it continues to ring and she gets more desperate to answer it. Failing all, she unbuttons her jeans and pulls down the zipper, making the pocket slack enough to enable her to pull the phone out. This woman has to get undressed in public to answer her phone. In every way possible, this seems both modern and ridiculous.
August 30, 2014
She was Becky the optimist and he was Stan the curmudgeon. They were having dinner at the table next to us.
-- Stan, I don't know why you don't wear that tie more often. It flatters you. You look good in that tie.
-- I hate this tie. I only wore it because the other one has a stain on it.
-- Well, it was the right choice, Stan. It's stunning.
-- It's a piece of crap. Did you talk to the plumber about repairing the pipe?
-- I did. He said it would take two days and cost $1800.
-- That's throwing 1800 bucks down the toilet.
-- Good one, Stan! That's exactly what we're doing! You're so clever.
-- What a ripoff. 1800 bucks for a couple of days work. Wish I could make 900 bucks a day.
-- Now Stan, I don't think it's unfair for him to charge for his expertise.
-- I hate plumbers.
-- Let's talk about fun stuff!
-- Does being such a positive person ever piss you off, Becky?
-- What?
-- It does me. Quit defending the plumbers of the world and be on my side for once.
-- Oh Stan.
-- Don't oh Stan me, when I'm mad at something I want you to be mad too.
-- But I'm not that kind of person. I love everybody.
-- The world's going to hell in a handbasket and I married the cruise director on the Titanic.
-- So I'm a naturally positive person. I see the world that way. There's nothing wrong with optimism, Stan.
-- We live in a cesspool of rotting humanity, Becky. We're all going down the toilet along with my 1800 bucks. Why can't you see that?
-- Oh Stan.
-- Jesus, Becky.
August 31, 2014
The woman said she felt like a target. She had expressed her opinions on a popular website and received enormous amounts of scorn for it. The anonymous hoards attacked her, threatened her, and said such sick and disgusting things that she was fearful for her safety. Her therapist told her to stop hitting the refresh button a thousand times a day and instead turn off the computer. Close it down. For a couple of weeks, live your regular life, not your online life, and when you go back to it, your news will be old news and you can move on. But the woman couldn't stop. She fed the trolls. She trolled the trolls. She became a troll. Ah technology?

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