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KeithSpeak - April 2019


April 1, 2019
Whenever an article starts out "Trump says", I just move on. Why should I care about what he's going to lie about, fawn fake praise over, or rant in incoherence about. "Trump says" should be a lesson to anyone to turn it off, tune him out, move on from the widdle baby in the corner pouting about more terrible traumas in his widdle brain.
April 3, 2019
It's been just another ordinary day: saw a woman in a black catsuit walking a Doberman; passed a dozen protesters outside an office building waving signs like, 'Peace ain't spelled piece, asshole' and 'Who do you think you are, Mr. Hotstuff'; went to the post office to get the mail and found 20 dollars on the floor; parked in a downtown lot next to a gorgeous $350,000 Aston Martin Vanquish S; went into the library where an aged lady was perspiring reading Fifty Shades of Grey; went into a small boutique where I found something I totally didn't need and bought it anyway; and on my way home stopped at a gas station that yielded the day's most dramatic moment - an attempted robbery, foiled by a silent alarm, RCMP patrol cars screaming into the station and cops jumping out with guns drawn. How about you? Anything out of the ordinary in your day?
April 5, 2019
Overheard two obese men at the pub.
-- I drink because I'm fat.
-- That's funny, I'm fat because I drink.
-- Hey, got time for one more?
-- Is a 16 inch pizza just an appetizer?
April 6, 2019
He was raging drunk as the party wound down. He grabbed one more for the road before he quaffed it down and went stumbling out the door. His best friend said he was too drunk to drive. The couple throwing the party said he was too drunk to drive. His girlfriend, who he inadvertently left behind, said he was too drunk to drive. The EMT guy said he was too drunk to drive. The occupants of the car he hit said he was too drunk to drive. The cop who arrested him said he too drunk to drive. Everyone said he was too drunk to drive except for the drunk guy driving. So who's culpable here?
April 8, 2019
Religion is fantasy. The natural world is more spiritual than any religion. Wake up.
April 10, 2019
It's tax time again and it seems a discrepancy has been noted.
April 11, 2019
TIME: 9:40AM
PLACE: British Columbia, Canada
CONDITIONS: Foggy with misting rain
DILEMMA: The 4 year old green poinsettia plant in my office is starting to turn red. The returning hummingbirds migrating to Canada from Mexico are no doubt hungry and when barely visible in the fog and mist they spot a bright red plant, bird after bird keeps crashing into the window only to knock themselves out and concuss their little brains first day back.
Move the plant
Set up a little bird hospital outside my office
Put up a warning sign with easy to understand pictograms
Rig LED lights that flash
Put up a plastic eagle to scare them away
Hire a hyperactive kid to stand out there and wave his arms
CONCLUSION: I really like where the plant is and I'm not keen on moving it so I have sent word to whomever is responsible for scheduling hummingbird migrations to see if we can't reroute them away from my poinsettia and their near fatal concussions to a safer flyway further from my plant. I dunno.
April 12, 2019
I made cookies to surprise my wife. She walked in the door and immediately asked about the burning smell. I told her I made cookies for her. She again asked why the house smelled like it was on fire. I told her I made cookies for her and left them in the oven a little too long. She looked uninspired. Ok sure, they're burnt - but I did it for you! I burned them for you! No wait... She crinkled up her nose after inspecting the alarmingly darkened cookies and took a pass. Fine, I'll eat them. It took me a single bite to realize I must have left out an ingredient or two. Which now raises the specter of her disappointment if I hadn't burned them and she ate one only to say they were god awful. Hmm, burned or inedible, in which scenario do I look best?
April 13, 2019
I'm a little vexed this morning. I was asked to teach a class on how to write a screenplay. That is so not me. Writing is doing. Talking about writing is masturbation. I hate to bring sex into it, but that is me.
April 15, 2019
Overheard in America.
-- Trump is such a cunt.
-- Karen, I've never heard you use that word!
-- If the shoe fits, Larry. He's a pathetic, needy old cunt.
-- Maybe we should move to Canada?
-- I don't hate America, just Trump.
-- Right now, Karen, they're one and the same. You realize that by immigrating to another country, you'd be just like the people Trump wants to keep out.
-- What better way to say fuck you to the needy old cunt.
-- Well there probably is a better way to say that.
April 16, 2019
Instead of worrying about what the other person will do, play to your strengths. Let them fret about you. You may not know what you're capable of, but if you continue to play defense, you'll never find out. Be bold!
April 17, 2019
Our road has one asshole living on it. Before he moved in, our road was good people. What do you do when a good road turns bad?
April 21, 2019
Just got back from 4 days off only to find it's a long weekend. Can one have too much time off? Haw!
April 22, 2019
Ronny Reagan was shallow, superficial, pretty dumb, and had Alzheimer's while in office.
George Bush is a war criminal, weak as balsa and the stupidest President since Millard Fillmore.
Don the Con is an incompetent narcissist and literally the bottom of the greasy barrel unless you consider a loser of galactic proportions and a lying douchebag who has the intelligence of a fifth grader repeating fifth grade to be some sort of prize. I repeat, the bottom of the barrel. The sludge in the bottom of the barrel. The bacteria in the sludge in the bottom of the barrel.
A complete triumvirate of ignorance. Yea 'Murica. We have met the enemy and he is us.
April 24, 2019
Trump is such a deluded old man that he thinks he's going to get to run in the next election. As if impeachment followed by imprisonment don't await. Anyway, by just being the tool he is, the moron has inadvertently created his new campaign slogan.
April 25, 2019
You know why Trump and his old white boys sycophants don't give a damn about the environment? Because those aged assholes will all be dead soon. They don't care what happens after they fuck things up because they won't be here. Reason enough to elect a young President.
April 26, 2019
Sunshine is streaming into my office. It's so warm and soothing that I linger. My computer is unhappy with the inattention. My computer has all this work waiting for me. The sun says don't go just yet. The computer insists. I am but a pawn in the benevolence of nature versus the brutality of commerce.
April 28, 2019
I'm watching a tape of a TV special from 2015. In the audience is a woman who looks exactly like the wife of an old friend. But she is sitting with another guy. I write her to ask if she was at this comedy festival in Montreal in 2015, but the e-mail bounces back because she no longer has that account. Instead, I write to her husband and ask him to forward it on to her. Only later do I realize that she may have been there, but not with hubby, and maybe hubby never knew, and now I have inadvertently informed him, and uh oh...
April 30, 2019
The last 24 hours: Went out of town yesterday and had a perfectly lovely time. Came home and made dinner from a recipe I got off the Web. After dinner watched a good movie. Went to bed. Had a nightmare where some crazed old man tried to repeatedly stab me in an elevator. Woke up wondering what the hell that was about. And here we are, 24 hours later.

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