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KeithSpeak - April 2014


April 1, 2014
Poor modern Margaret. She had no idea what was about to happen. She didn't even have time to get out a tweet. All that's left is the selfie she was taking before she was taken.
Beware! Selfies kill!
(This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by the folkery at Keith Ryan Publishing, where we believe that if we didn't tell you this stuff, how would you ever know?)
April 2, 2014
Oh the Internets. On a question and answer site I saw this bit of pith:
Q: Excuse me, what exactly does 'bitches be trippin' mean?
A: It means there are many bitches and they are all flipping out.
A: Actually, it's incorrect to say bitches be trippin'. Bitches are trippin' is proper.
A: Bitches is derogatory to women.
A: What century you from, man? Ain't never heard of no bitches be trippin'.
A: Maybe he's a alien.
A: Maybe he's a alien troll sent to earth to mess with us.  
Q: LOL all of you. But what does the phrase mean?
A: It means there are many bitches and they are all flipping out! I hate it when people act like they didn't hear me the first time I posted.
Q: I don't...what does 'flipping out' mean?
A: Man, you kidding me?
A: He IS a alien!
A: Alien troll!
A: It means, you know, she's lost her mind. Flipped out. She be trippin'.
Q: What? I don't understand any of you. Frankly, it sounds to me like none of you know what you're talking about. It sounds to me like a bunch of people who don't know anything about anything pretending to know something about something. I came here asking a legitimate question and got nothing but harassed. Right now, dude be trippin'!
A: Now you got it.
A: Bravo little alien troll.
A: Next.
April 3, 2014
I passed a belligerent man in a wheelchair on a street corner proselytizing. He talked about the uselessness of war, the futility of foreign policy, the endless ignorance of politicians all too willing to throw his ordinary life into the line of fire. Well he did his part, faithful son of Canada, he answered the call, and now he is this: a man with no legs and a seething anger. Now what? Now what!
April 4, 2014
Lately, my dreaming self has been having quite the time. I've been involved in amazing adventures with famous people under incredible circumstances in breathtaking environments. Heck, my dreams are getting to be so compelling that about 8 PM I start thinking of a manly way to tell my wife I'm gonna go get a little shut eye. But even that's not enough. I'm now into naps during the day. I'm not kidding. Look, I'm sure this dream streak will end, but until it does, ummmm. 
April 6, 2014
For the past several months I haven't been able to do something that I enjoyed a great deal, did once or twice a day and for unavoidable reasons, had to abandon it over the last three months. Yesterday, I spent the whole day readying my immersion back into this relaxing and therapeutic world. Today I get to reintroduce it into my life. Oh boy!
April 7, 2014
You got up feeling like you died in the night but it's Monday morning so you drag yourself out of bed and zombie trudge your way to the kitchen wondering how you're going to muster the energy to work another day only to find these fresh beauties waiting for you on the table. Do you
a.) cry
b.) pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming
c.) act like somebody leaves you fresh bagels every morning and calmly sit down to eat even though you live alone and no one has ever done this for you before
d.) pounce on them like Tony Montana with a bag of cocaine
April 8, 2014
I met this guy who looked like a male model. He had that all American, Ivy League, upper class air about him. At introduction, he shook my hand and said his name was Biff. I started laughing. He asked what was so funny. I said, Biff. He smiled and said that Biff wasn't his real name, just a nickname. I asked him what his real name was and he said, Corky. Corky? For real? This time he laughed and said, That's why everyone calls me Biff. Ahhhhh.
April 9, 2014
Ugh, it's tax time again. As I have said in the past, I don't mind paying them, I just hate seeing where all the money went. Reluctantly, I gather my tools. Calculator, check. Spreadsheet, check. Disgust and revulsion for the entire process, check. Guess I'm ready.
April 10, 2014
When you've taken your last breath, you'll find yourself here, at the end, going up or going down.
April 11, 2014
This guy was such a geek that I hated to tell him that the code he wrote not only didn't work, it spectacularly didn't work. But I did anyway. Instead of blowing up and defending his efforts he hung his head and submissively agreed that it could have been written better, he had failed miserably, he was a fool, he was now just another introvert who couldn't even do the only thing he had ever been able to do, what made him think he could, what an idiot, he was sorry... He then struggled out of his chair like he suddenly weighed 400 pounds and was 96 years old. He trudged out of the building and never came back. What?
April 13, 2014
Everything has consciousness. Rocks, shoes, dirt, everything. Does too.
April 14, 2014
So this mock snooty better than thou type comes into my office for a file and immediately turns up her nose and says, I see your stuff has a lot of patina to it. Only she said patina like it was the bubonic plague of filth and I was the Typhoid Mary of my time. But I wasn't having any of that, being easily slighted and always ready for a good tussle. I blew the dust off a chair and asked her to sit down. She demurred. So I went about my business but the sun was shining at just that right angle where you can see all the dust and crap in the sunbeam and I was stirring it all up rifling through the papers on my desk and well, the air was thick with patina. I looked back and she had her hand covering her mouth and nose wishing for one of those surgical masks the kids wear in Japan. I found the file and handed it to her. She snatched it, lowered her hand, sneered at me, wheeled around and scurried away.
April 15, 2014
I got a sweet e-mail from Josef in Prague. He asked me if I wanted to move to Prague, and if so, would I like to buy his house. Josef sent along pictures. It was a sturdy looking house. Regardless, it's been decided, I'm not moving to Prague. Josef didn't hide his disappointment. Funny thing is, at this very moment, my parents are actually in Prague as tourists. Josef perked up. He asked if my parents wanted to buy his house. Sigh.
April 16, 2014
I was taking the snow plow and chains off the tractor when a friend pulled up with a six pack and a couple of hours to kill. Seeing what I was doing he remarked that it snowed at his place just yesterday and wasn't I being a bit premature with my assessment that winter was over. I agreed that at various times it has snowed here in April, May and June and that this might be one of those years, but I thought not. He shrugged his shoulders and said, And therein lies the difference between me and thee. And in that he was correct. We all have our own ideas about what's what. It just so happened that his ideas were wrong for me and mine him. I finished removing the equipment while we drank beers and chatted about other great things in life.
April 17, 2014 
This is eccentric fashion designer Pete 'Beefcake' LaMancha, during the final fitting for what he calls 'the peoples clothes', a LaMancha polo shirt coupled with a plastic bag toga. "The togas come in all the familiar garbage bag colours - green, brown, black and light blue for the semi see through recycled looked so prized by today's youth," explained LaMancha. Really Beefcake? Really?
April 18, 2014
From the side door of a minivan two men were delicately extracting a very beautiful 5 tiered wedding cake that glistened like wet paint. Looking like an accident waiting to happen, the two dudes ever so slowly got it out of the vehicle and ever so slowly walked it to the building entrance but neither dared take their hands off the cake to open the door. So one guy repeatedly kicked it with his foot until somebody from the inside opened it. The cake bearers slowly walked inside. As soon as they disappeared, in my head, I heard a thud and someone scream, Oh! My! God!
April 19, 2014
I was given a T-shirt to wear advertising a friend's new company. The logo was confusing and hard to figure out, the graphics were bloody garish, but the biggest offense was reserved for their company slogan. Even though it was generic, didn't define the company or illustrate a reason to use them, it still managed to be racist and would make the wearer of the T-shirt look racist by association (and tastelessly dressed at that). Gawd. He was a buddy, so I normally would have busted his chops about adopting this terrible double entendre as his company slogan, maybe even offered him a few creative alternative choices from the depths of my brilliant mind, but I didn't say anything because his mood changed drastically after he discovered that the entire box of 500 T-shirts were all smalls. Oh. Now I don't have to wear it. *smile*
April 20, 2014
The organ music stops, the PA announcer says: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll direct your attention to the Houston home dugout on the first base side, would you please join me in welcoming the newest team cheerleaders for your Houston Asssstrooooos! There's Bobby, Frankie, Tommy, Billy, Johnny, Mel and Ace. Aren't they out of this world! Wait'll you see their routines! With names like Second Stage!, Rockets Ignite! and Blast Off! you'll be taken on the ride of your life - all the while cheering for your Houston Astros! Talk about the right stuff! Welcome boys!"
April 21, 2014
I needed some O rings so I went to a store to buy them. They had a huge O ring display attached to the wall with all the O rings one could ever possibly want, only they were out of the size I needed. Somebody had raided my size O rings. Well, I went to another parts store and guess what, same thing, my size O ring is sold out. One last store only to be met with the same results. Somebody in town is hording O rings. Jeez, now I have to order them online, only when they come, they're the wrong size. The machine needing the O rings has not been in operation for over a week due to this 20 cent part. That, of course, is the surface of the situation. But my issues aren't about the O ring, that is just symbolic of whatever the real crux of the situation might be. These things are always multi layered and rife with symbolism and personal meaning. When I figure that out, my O rings will follow.
April 22, 2014
I read a quote by someone who thinks like me. Only trouble is, I am not a fan of the man. I think he is mindful of how he lives his life and his advice and philosophy are right on, and I'm glad he has a public forum because more people ought to hear what he has to say, but he is not someone I particularly like or admire. Funny, huh.
April 23, 2014
Overheard two boys in line at the cinema:
-- If aliens were to come down to earth and request a meeting with the most perfect human being, who would that be?
-- Nic Cage.
-- Noooo.
-- Yes, he could represent us and kick ass if necessary.
-- Cage would get us all killed.  
-- Ok, maybe someone less violent...What about Christopher Walken?
-- Are you serious? You might as well send Crispin Glover. You send Walken or Glover to meet these space travellers and we might as well bow down now to our alien overlords 'cause they're gonna enslave us as nothing more than quirky morons.
-- Well who do you think is the perfect human to send?
-- Emma Watson. She's perfection.  
-- Yeah, you're right.
-- She'd save us.
-- You're right, she would.
April 24, 2014
Yes, I do read every e-mail sent to our little site. Including this one.
I have been looking for someone like you to run my organization. I am getting older and have no heirs to pass this on to. One day I'm having a tuna sandwich at Morty's when out of the blue it occurs to me -  I have been reading your site for years! I like you! Have I not been looking all along for someone like you? So why not you?! Who better than you to take over after I'm gone? Anyway, you're probably wondering what kind of enterprise I'm talking about. My company is Zander9001. We are an offshoot of an alien enterprise started by the original Zander a few billion years ago just when the earth was red hot and forming. I am the 9001st replacement Zander. You could be 9002. What is involved? All you have to do is make sure the earth stays intact and take the occasional trip to our ancestral home planet AGMp319. That's it! For this you will be paid handsomely in Zander dollars. So what do you say?  
Gleep sa awneey (my best wishes)
I say Yikes.
April 25, 2014
Ok, so today I was driving down one of the hillier streets in town when I saw a very old woman slowly working her way up it. She was short and stout, head down, bent over from time and the incline of the road. She had on a flat brimmed hat and was dressed very colorfully like they do in Peru. She was leaning on a walking stick as she trudged. There was something odd about her presence. She looked out of place, as if dislocated in time and space. As we passed, she looked up and I noticed the backdrop wasn't the houses lining the street, it was the snow capped Andes. A split second later I was past her. All day long I've been asking myself, Was that real or imagined?
April 26, 2014
In this life, there'll be some things, well, you just don't know what they are. Try not to take it personally.
April 28, 2014
Have to go out of town this morning. What? Will I miss you? Of course I will! Goodness, what kind of question is that? Hey, are you ok? Do you not want me to go? Because I'll cancel my trip if it means that much to you. You sure? Ok, mañana, my pretties.
April 29, 2014
I wrote this piece for another site and they edited the hell out of it. I was a little surprised as they had given me a word count and I was under the maximum limit. When I asked the editor what happened, he said that it wasn't trimmed for brevity, it was trimmed for content. Content? It was a piece on motorcycles, what could be offensive about that? He said that in the article I slagged off one of their advertisers and the advertiser threatened to pull their ads. Sigh.
April 30, 2014
You are the only one who definitively knows if your life is going well or not. You don't need to sugar coat it or kid yourself or defend what's what as you might with someone else asking how things are. You can be genuine, you can tell yourself the truth. So, how's it going? If you like your life, good on you. That's how it's supposed to be. If not, you can change it. You can do anything you want. You are only limited by the belief that you can't. See what I'm saying?

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