"Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness." Frank Tyger
"It's never too late to be what you might've been." George Eliot
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." Elbert Hubbard
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." Milton Berle
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." Sharon Begley
"I'm eating Milk Duds for breakfast. What?" Keith Ryan
May 2, 2022
Lately, my dreams have been running amuck. I wake up feeling like I've been in an action movie. I can't remember anything about what happened or why I was involved, but I know I was up to my neck in some stuff. What does it mean? I dunno, but I kinda can't wait to go to sleep tonight.
May 4, 2022
Overheard a tall girl with a short guy.
-- Janet says we look like Mutt and Jeff.
-- Who are Mutt and Jeff?
-- Cartoon characters. I guess one is tall and one is short.
-- Who is Janet?
-- My Mom's best friend.
-- Well I don't like being compared to a cartoon, so screw Janet.
-- But she's right. Look at us. I'm a good 6 inches taller than you.
-- So are you Mutt or Jeff?
-- I don't know.
-- So basically, Janet is calling one of us a dog. Screw Janet.
-- Yeah, screw her.
May 5, 2022
The difference between living in America and living in Canada is the difference between war and peace. America is at war with everything. Canada isn't.
May 6, 2022
A new pizza place opened in town and a friend's wife got a job there. He said she came home after work every night smelling like pizza and at first it was kind of delicious and kinky but after a while he started dreading her arrival. "It was too much of that same smell. Get this," he bemoaned, "I can't even eat pizza anymore! No kidding. The smell of it nauseates me. Pizza! Can you imagine?" What if she gets another job that doesn't involve a workplace that lingers? But he poo pooed that, saying she likes working at the pizza place and it pays pretty good. He was defeated. He lamented, "I can't ever eat pizza again. And now sex is a battle between enjoyment and disgust." He hung his head. There was nothing more I could do for my friend - but damn if I wasn't hankering for a piece of pizza.
-- And this, Mrs. Applebee, is my Doomsday Machine.
-- Oh my.
-- Beautiful, isn't she?
-- It's so small.
-- This little baby could wipe out Poughkeepsie if I wanted.
-- Frankly, I'm kind of stunned and alarmed, Professor Michaels.
-- Don't be afraid Mrs. Applebee, Poughkeepsie is safe - for now. LOL.
-- But why did you invent such a dreadful machine?
-- It's for good, you see.
-- Good?! What's good about a doomsday device?
-- This way, people will have to be good to me now. Not make fun of my moustache anymore. Not say that I lost my mind and went batshit crazy and invented a machine that could kill my enemies because I'm petty and spiteful. You're not my enemy, are you Mrs. Applebee?
-- Heavens no!
-- Good. You know, if you wanted, I could make one for you.
-- Heavens no!
-- Just think about it, Mrs. Applebee. You could wipe out your mortal enemies with this! Why, we could even take out, Mr. Applebee.
-- What are you suggesting, Professor?
-- We could get rid of your husband and you and I could become a thing. What do you say?
-- I am horrified from beginning to end.
-- Maybe you could learn to love me.
-- Not with that insipid 'stache.
-- I HAVE AN ENEMIES LIST, MRS. APPLEBEE! I COULD PUT YOU ON IT!
-- Oh my.
May 9, 2022
A friend had his phone stolen. In it were his bank codes and passwords. Within a couple of hours, all his savings had been wiped out. He says to me, "I used to laugh at you for not having a smartphone. Now I think you're a friggin' genius." Aw, go on.
May 10, 2022
She waited after work for her boss to enter the parking garage. She confronted him about his relentless sexual harassment of her. He laughed and said that's why he's the boss and she's an expendable employee. She started crying. He continued laughing, soon started leering. She tasered him. Found a new job within days. Moved on with her life. Yes, it can be that simple.
May 11, 2022
QUESTIONS FROM READERS
How many times is enough enough?
Usually 3. But there are exceptions, such as when it's 4 or 14.
I am a silly person and everyone loves me for it. They are always saying how silly I am. Should I be more serious?
Look, imagine you're a bowl of cereal, maybe something chocolate and inappropriate for breakfast. But you're out of milk. So as a lark you pour orange juice all over your silly chocolate cereal self and chow down because it's so well, silly. Now imagine you're a boring bowl of corn flakes. You pour orange juice over that and now you have a serious situation. There, hope that helped.
You're going to think I'm nuts but I saw a flying saucer yesterday. I haven't told anybody else because I don't want them to think I'm nuts. I hold a sensitive job and it would never do for them to think I was nuts. But I had to tell someone! Do you think I'm nuts?
You're kind of hung up on the nuts thing, eh. Do you really think that if you tell people what you saw they are actually going to think you're insane, mentally ill, chemically unbalanced? Is that your idea of nuts? Look, UFOs are real. You just saw one, right?
My wife just had our 5th child. We already have 4 of 'em named Jason, Jeffery, Jonathan and Jordy. My wife is Judy, I'm Jerry and we're the Jenkins family. But my wife has informed me that she wants to name this boy after her grandfather, Soren. Hell, that's Scandinavian! But get this, Keith - we're from Texas! Can you beat that!
There's probably a question in there somewhere.
Oh yeah. Do you think Judy is suffering from this post pardon depression thing? It's like she totally forgot about our J names and how everyone knows us for that. Is she mentally unfit to name the baby? 'Cause I was thinking Jerome.
She's honoring her grandfather. Isn't that enough to lay to rest your uninspiring, artificially concocted J name consortium?
I am down for all sorts of kinky fun. My boyfriend, not so much. Any ideas?
Well, it seems that either you get a new boyfriend who will indulge in your kind of fun, or you stay with your current boy but you have to calm down the kinky. In other words, either you sacrifice or you sacrifice him. Kinda one or the other, isn't it?
Is there gonna be a day when you and I can see eye to eye? Because right now we are pretty far apart.
Are we? Is it hopeless? Oh well.
Just a follow up because I'm sure you want to know. Welp, she named the kid Soren. He's ruined our family tradition. We're from Amarillo, damn it.
Jerry, just love him like he's a Jerome.
May 12, 2022
I was up in our field and just entering our woods when I saw a big black mass move and then disappear behind foliage. Hmm, is there a bear in our woods? I went back into our field and sat on a bench we have at a viewpoint. Sure enough, a few minutes later a bear emerges from the woods. If it moves toward me, I will make some noise to show my presence and hopefully scare it away; if it moves away from me, I'll get to watch it from afar. Sure enough, it turns away and meanders down the hill through a few acres, stopping here and there but just aimlessly walking. (Our field is 17 fenced acres.) The bear continued walking until it reached one of the field gates. Without hesitation, it stood up on its hind legs and tried to climb the post anchoring the gate, but due to its weight, instead, managed to loosen the post to the point where the bear could pull it down to the ground, taking the gate with it. It then lumbered out of the field and onto another part of our acreage. It broke the fence! Bad bear! Bad bad bear.
May 13, 2022
I'm up in the field repairing yesterday's bear damage when the bugger returns. This time I open the gate so it can walk through instead of wrecking things again, but the bear ignores the opening and instead cruises over to our neighbour's farm to terrorize their fences. Yea? Should I consider that a win?
May 15, 2022
If there were a tug of war between politicians and 1 month old babies, the politicians would lose. You need a backbone to win a tug of war.
May 16, 2022
A week ago, a helicopter landed in a neighbour's pasture scaring the bejeebers out of the cattle grazing there. Two men got out and walked around the field gesturing. They then got back in the chopper and flew off. Yesterday, I ran into the owner of the property and asked him about the helicopter visit. He didn't know about it and immediately got incensed. It seems an aggressive Vancouver developer has been trying to buy his land but the neighbour has refused all offers. He then said, "What an arrogant bastard. For scaring my animals and trespassing on my property, that guy can go to hell. Chopper boy is now the last person I would ever sell it to." Good, I thought, I'd much rather see a field there instead of another subdivision. Good.
Notice Milo's wry smile moments after completing a kitty mind meld on baby Frank.
May 20, 2022
One day you're going to be at the last day of your life. Wittingly or unwittingly, you will draw your last breath. Your body will cease functioning. Your spirit will fly back home. Poof!
May 21, 2022
Overheard a couple on a hiking trail.
-- My feet hurt. How much longer? Are you sure this is worth it?
-- You're such a whiner, Larry.
-- Well I'm sorry, Michelle, if I happen to be a well adjusted city boy and not some expert primitive tromping around out in the woods.
-- What a drama queen.
-- I hate every second of the outdoors.
-- We'll be there soon.
-- Can't be soon enough for me.
-- God, me neither.
-- What's that supposed to mean?
-- It means that you and I are incompatible, Larry. It means your whining reminds me of a little girl. It means I'm tired of being the adult in this relationship. Basically it means I'm tired of you, Larry.
-- Don't leave me, Michelle! I couldn't bear it if you left!
-- Look at you. You're more afraid of being lost in the woods than of me leaving.
-- Of course! That too!
-- Yeah, that too.
May 22, 2022
Against the wishes of almost everybody she knew, she started a porn site.
"Alice, honey, no offence but you're not pretty enough to do porn."
"Oh baby, porn? Isn't there something else you could do to make money?"
"You're competing against perfect woman who have had lots of surgery. You up for that, princess?"
"Alice, the trolls will be relentless!"
"Porn?! Girl, you got about as much chance of making money from porn as I do winning the lottery."
"That's interesting. So what's your angle? What do you mean you haven't thought about that? There's a million porn sites, Alice, why are they going to come to yours? Ok, let me think for a minute... I've got it! Call your site Porn For Average Women, starring average women, having sex with average men. What sex looks like in the real world. Cater to the billions of regular looking women and regular looking men who are regularly having sex, but are completely underrepresented in porn."
And so she did, against the wishes of almost everybody she knew.
May 24, 2022
He was a bully who had gotten away with bullying all his life, right up until the day he tried to intimidate Norio Taguchi. Persecuting a smaller Japanese man might seem like easy pickings to a lifelong bully, but Norio was anything but defenceless. In no time he thrashed the bigger guy with an arsenal of lightening fast punches and kicks. The bully was left unconscious with missing teeth and a broken jaw. So, after he healed, did the bully continue bullying? Hell no.
May 25, 2022
Why do so many people believe there is some Big Cheese sitting on high and they as puny humans need to worship this fabrication ? If you need to believe in anything, believe in yourself. It's not only all you've got, it's real.
May 26, 2022
Overheard a teacher and a student in an art studio.
-- No, Charlotte, not that way, the other way.
-- What do you mean?
-- Turn it clockwise, not counter clockwise.
-- But I'm left handed. It's easier if I do it this way.
-- But that's wrong, Charlotte. That's not how I teach it.
-- But this works for me. It's awkward the other way.
-- But it's wrong! I'm the teacher, you have to do it the way I teach it.
-- Why?
-- Because I'm telling you how to do it!
-- But how does turning it counter clockwise makes any difference in the end?
-- Stop defying me!
-- You're a pedant run amuck.
-- I'm the teacher!
-- Run amuck.
-- Charlotte, I think you'd better leave.
-- You're throwing me out of a class I already paid for? Then give me my money back.
-- Get out, Charlotte.
-- No. And I'm going to continue to turn it counter clockwise. Now start teaching.
