KeithSpeak - March 2011

 

 

 

March 1, 2011
If only every man, woman, and child had their own Fireball, why, we'd all be Extra Special in Every Way and then everyone's lives would be grand and purposeful with meteors streaking by and a behemoth all to yourself! We should all have these cars! Fireballs for the people! Come on, who's with me?
 
March 2, 2011
I have a buddy who is rebuilding his motorcycle this winter - in his living room. There is grease everywhere, carpet, drapes, couch, and bike parts in various stages of tear down all over the house. His wife has about lost her mind. She is in the kitchen drinking; next to her bottle is a carburetor with a velocity stack. Their marriage is on the brink, the house is an absolute train wreck but I must say, the bike is coming along nicely.   
 
March 3, 2011 
                                                          Woody Allen goes to the beach
-- So we're, you know, amusing ourselves on a Sunday morning, eating bagels and discussing whether Descartes wore a wig, when she says, 'You're suffocating me'.
-- Ouch. What did you say?
-- I told her that discussing Descartes' tonsorial strategies was hardly suffocating. His philosophy however...
-- And what did she say?
-- That's just it. She didn't say anything. When pressed, she finally hissed, 'I wish you'd fall off the face of the earth!'
-- Ooh, that's bad.
-- But what is she really saying?
-- You kidding me?
-- I mean, does she want me to call her next week? Wait a little longer?
-- You are kidding, right?
-- I don't know what she means. Is falling off the face of the earth some kind of euphemism for living together forever?
 
March 4, 2011
I love it when a plan comes together, not that I have one that did or anything. I was just thinking about how nice it is when something goes according to plan. You know, plan - success - whoo hoo. That's all, just a simple thought. Ok.  
 
March 5, 2011
A bearded, dishevelled, grizzled looking guy is walking down the street scratching his back with what appears to be a wooden backscratcher. Upon closer inspection I see that it is a big bone, maybe the leg of a moose or something? The top has been crudely carved into a deformed hand with curved fingers and he is frantically using this thing like he's full of fleas, bedbugs or both. Ew. I give him a wide berth. Ew.
 
March 6, 2011
Look, if you have to tell everyone you're evil, you're probably not.

ptc24

March 7, 2011
I saw a grown woman counting on her fingers in the grocery. Then she writes down 12 X 14 in mid-air like she's at an invisible chalk board. Only she was having a heck of a time with the math, so I whispered 168 as I walked by. She stopped and stared. I said, 12 times 14 is 168. Astonished, she held my gaze like I was a magician and had just correctly guessed she was holding the jack of clubs. I smiled. She never recovered. My work was done here; I continued down the aisle.   
 
March 8, 2011
When did politicians become such tools? I'm listening to this fairly ignorant woman tell the world her plan for economic recovery, and it starts with making the oil companies exempt from litigation, and ends with the need to rezone her voting district. Another brilliant political moron says that gutting the social net would "help eliminate all the whiners without jobs - and then we could send them to win the war in Iraq!" You know, I was on the fence about whether 2012 will be Armageddon or enlightenment, but these uber hacks sorta beg for starting over, you know?  
 
March 9, 2011
Liz
The guys were just hanging, chillin' up at Lenny's place when Arnie said to Mickey, "Dude, you're rocking the bony look," and everybody laughed. 
 
March 10, 2011
Yesterday morning I watched a migratory flock of robins land in the hawthorn tree out back. Even though it was snowing and they looked miserable, nothing says Spring like a bunch of robins, even though it was snowing and they looked miserable. 
 
March 11, 2011
Saw a recent article about an old girlfriend from college. Seems she was caught hacking into corporate computers with the intent of committing industrial espionage. That's so sexy! but wrong, of course, but so sexy! Now that's the gal I remember, kind of. 
 
March 13, 2011
Spent an hour doing this and an hour doing that and then got robbed of an hour due to Daylight Savings and if the truth be told, I want that time back. You owe me 3 hours. Whomever you are. Ok? 
 
March 14, 2011
DJ Lucy and Technician Marcie test their equipment for an upcoming mixer. Whether it's state of the art twin turntables, the coolest computer board this side of Manitoba, or the groovy High Def LCD screen, it's safe to say these gals are super hip and "tuned in". Cut a rug for us, ladies! 
 
March 15, 2011
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Kisses and hugs
I miss you.
 
March 16, 2011
My niece is in Europe and her purse was stolen. Try getting back home with no passport, no ID, no cell phone, no credit cards, no money, no nothing. Try to convince today's paranoid authorities that you're who you say you are. To the bureaucratic mindset, no papers equals no person, even though they're standing right in front of them upset, stressed, freaked out and possibly crying. Poor dear.  
 
March 17, 2011
So the chance of a lifetime comes along and my friend hesitates to grab it and the chance slips away like a thief in the night. Later, he tells me he was such a fool for letting it go.  I agree. He gets mad and says if I was his true friend I would support his indecision, especially now that the golden goose has gone and he's depressed and his stomach hurts and he's been drinking too much. But I didn't. I told him that he made a choice, that's all. If you're having a hard time living with it, well, that's because if something comes along that's rare and wonderful, and you worry yourself into a position of indecision, and miss your opportunity, then the life you're living is going to continue in the same way it was before you dissed the chance of a lifetime. That's all. Your choice. Capish?
 
March 18, 2011
At Clinton's Explosive Barbecue, no one knew his cooking secret, but everyone agreed the food was dynamite. 
 
March 19, 2011 
So I design this really cool thing and I present it to the company and they ask me how I would change it if the budget were to suddenly get halved. I said I wouldn't change a thing. They said, But you'd make less money because this would take more time to do. I told them that the design was a wonderful one and it's irrespective of the money paid to create or implement it. They were kind of shocked that someone would put artistic integrity over money.
 
March 20, 2011 
You do understand that realizing a dream only precipitates new dreams, yes? And because new dreams are predicated on the old ones, success or failure (of the old dream) are actually identical results, in that you learn from both and they each engender what you dream of accomplishing next. (A big success might allow you to dream of even grander things, whilst just falling short of a dream might force you to question the scope of your future endeavours.) Either way, the mechanism is the same.
 
March 21, 2011
What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
Bob Dylan
 
Money is the most powerful force in the universe. Period.
Gene Simmons
 
Who to believe?
 
March 22, 2011
Can't say what happened, but something did, and it was a surprise from beginning to end. A tad haunting, it wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was just what it was. But it's over now, everything is back the way it should be and that's all there is to that.
 
March 23, 2011
Convinced he had the most unique picture frame ever, and against the better judgement and taste of his wife Clarissa, Fred now had to find a picture hanger that could support 200 pounds, convince Clarissa that the perfect place to hang a truck tire was over the fireplace in the living room, and then hope like heck that the rubber wouldn't get too warm when they had a romantic fire and start to stink up the joint, ruining the mood with toxic fumes and a boiling mad Clarissa. Other than that he thought he was good to go.
 
March 24, 2011
Oh dear, exactly one week later, it seems Clarissa filed for divorce citing Irreconcilable Differences over a truck tire picture frame that smoked them out of the house during a dinner party for her friend Frieda, who had just beaten cancer and was so overcome by the burning tire she had to be helped out of the house by her husband Mervin, who had his own health problems, all the while threatening to sue Clarissa for trying to rekill her. Fred counter filed citing Irreconcilable Differences over a woman who refused to accept that tires were his life and having one hanging around the house was a perfect way for him to feel at home, even if it was deadly when heated up and almost killed Frieda and Mervin, even if is one week later and the house still smells like burning rubber. Wow, what a story, eh? 
 
March 25, 2011
The seasons at our house are gauged by the canine conditions they engender. Spring is mud season. The dogs can't help it, they track it inside and out. Summer is a fur-a-flying extravaganza. Our malamutes shed their prodigious coats and so naturally there is hair here, there and everywhere. Fall is when the dogs get all kinds of crap caught up in their newly emerging winter coats (leaves, pine needles, etc.) and need constant brushing or that dead stuff is all over the house. Winter is wet. Our dogs are always full of snow and ice and then bring it into the house with them where it melts. And there you have it, a year in the life with malamutes; four seasons of cleaning and grooming.
 
March 26, 2011
                                It's awesome picture Saturday.
                                  Me, my first motorcycle, awesome.
 
March 27, 2011
I have tons on my mind and none of it good. Frustration about a project has risen to red alert levels. At issue is the fact that a long sought and game changing momentum is going to be brought to a grinding halt due to fairly arbitrary reasons. I keep balling and unballing my fists. Grrrr.
 
March 28, 2011
Somebody tried to talk me out of something that I intuitively knew wasn't right. All the facts and figures were on her side, but my gut kept insisting it was a wrong way to go. To me the choice was clear. To not pay attention to myself is to basically denigrate myself, and that is counter to the belief I have in myself. I told her this, she pointed to her papers, waved her facts and figures, went ahead and did things her way, and failed. Sigh.
 
March 29, 2011
I agree that everyone should learn some basic math skills in school. But algebra, trigonometry, geometry and calculus as requirements for high school are just silly for people not interested in math or engineering. You don't have to learn computer coding to operate a computer, so why does anyone need this over the top advanced math in high school? I'm just sayin'...
 
March 30, 2011
Have a nice day.
 
March 31, 2011
Ah jeez, the first mosquito of the season. Sigh.
 

 

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